Review Summary: "OMFG!!!" - Satan
An open letter to Athenar (aka Jamie Walters), as dictated to me by Satan on All Hallow's Eve in this year of our Dark Lord, 2013.
Dear Athenar,
I like old ***. Original sin. Incantations in dead languages. Ancient myths and superstitions. Monarchies. Most of all, though, I especially love me some Old School Black Metal. Mercyful Fate, Celtic Frost, Venom and early Bathory make me giddy like a little girl with a new pony.
Don't get me wrong here. I can certainly appreciate the unintelligible shrieking, blastbeats and tremolo picking that dominate trve kvlt Second Wave Black Metal, especially when I'm in one of my angry at the world "Nobody understands me!" kind of moods. I mean what kind of sick freak couldn't appreciate Darkthrone's early albums or Bathory's third after a long day of trying and failing to corrupt innocent young souls, or, worse yet, trying to convince the tasteless music-downloading public why the music I love is superior to the latest corporate-sponsored pop pablum they're currently obsessing over. But I digress.
Anywho, most of the time I'm just a fun-loving King of Hell trying to spread my message of the sheer bliss to be found in unshackled lust and random acts of violence. Albums with piss poor production values and lyrics that you need a Black Metal Rosetta Stone to decipher are not going to be the best choices for spreading my message. Plus, I like music that just plain rocks (the Horned One loves a wicked hook) because it's more likely to inspire sin.
Oh sure, there may be a few deviant outsiders who think "Under A Funeral Moon" is more romantic than any Barry White album, but "Lust, Filth and Sleaze" or "You Can't Stop Steel" are way more likely to inspire massive orgiastic revelries than anything falling under the Second Wave banner. Mayhem, Burzum or Gorgoroth may soundtrack the occasional ritualistic sacrifice, but when I'm trying to motivate my subjects to do some real hardcore raping, pillaging, mass murder or serial killing my weapon of choice is either gonna be "Violence On Violence," or, once again, "You Can't Stop Steel." I mean, they don't call this stuff "Black Rock'N'Roll" for nothing.
I guess what I'm trying to say here, Athenar, is that I really just feel like you get me. There are all these albums out there where the artists are all like "worship Satan" or "Satan's gonna get you" or Satan plays a mean fiddle" or "I'm just like Satan," but "Satanic Royalty" is the only album that really represents my point of view, because I really am Satanic Royalty.
So to wrap this up, I would just like to congratulate you for making a decently produced yet totally punky NWOBHM meets First Wave of Black Metal masterpiece that clearly and concisely presents my fundamental values to the world while making them sound so damn(ed) fun. For this I award "Satanic Royalty" the distinction of Most Satanic Album of 2011 and eagerly await your next piece of filth. Best thing since "Paradise Lost."
Yours Truly,
Satan
Satan's recommended tracks: All of them, but especially "Violence on Violence," "Lust, Filth and Sleaze" and "You Can't Stop Steel"
