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Lords of the Trident

Fang VonKillenstein was born when a volcano containing metal and steel erupted at the beginning of time. His one and only mission: create the most metal band in the world. He searched across the land for many centuries, until during his travels in Greece, he heard the sound of sweep picking emanating from a cave. After fighting off the man-eating bats with his bare hands, he came upon the one known only as the Socrates of Shred. Socrates imparted his sage advice upon Fang, and the next stop was the top of the tallest mountain in Japan: Mt. Yuufretokuwiku. Quickly ascending the treacherous m ...read more

Fang VonKillenstein was born when a volcano containing metal and steel erupted at the beginning of time. His one and only mission: create the most metal band in the world. He searched across the land for many centuries, until during his travels in Greece, he heard the sound of sweep picking emanating from a cave. After fighting off the man-eating bats with his bare hands, he came upon the one known only as the Socrates of Shred. Socrates imparted his sage advice upon Fang, and the next stop was the top of the tallest mountain in Japan: Mt. Yuufretokuwiku. Quickly ascending the treacherous mountain by riding on a cloud of pure shredding guitar, they met the fierce guitar warrior known as Asian Metal. After a three day battle that left most of the surrounding mountainside in ruins (and most of its inhabitants deaf), Asian Metal decided to join the warriors on their quest.

On the voyage across the Pacific Ocean, their ship was attacked by the fierce and proud Captain Bluddbeard, whose proficiency with the bass was so well known that the waves themselves would run in fear from the swelling sounds emanating from his pirate ship. During the battle, all four of the warriors happened to strike the same chord at the same time, causing a giant tsunami which flung the two ships across the sky, eventually crash landing in Southern Wisconsin. Striking a truce, the band was now almost complete. Suddenly, from a rip in the fabric of space and time itself stepped the cyborg DANALOG. Hailing from the equatorial submersible cities of the future, DANALOG explained to the warriors that the convergence of their explosive sound without a uniting beat could threaten to destroy the very fabric of the universe.

However, during one of the Lords' most epic battles, one of DANALOG's arm servos became jammed. A tremendous buildup of pressure caused the cyborg to explode, creating a massive crater that reached to the depths of Hell itself. Seizing his chance, the demon king Korgoth escaped from Hell through the crust and emerged from the crater, hungry for souls. Socrates, in his wisdom, immediately challenged the demon king to a guitar duel - a challenge Korgoth could not deny under demon law. As the battle raged, the surrounding landscape was reduced to rubble from the tremendous force of the sonic waves. Socrates stunned the demon with his flawless sweep arpeggios, then shattered his guitar with a pinch harmonic. The demon king, now enslaved, became the new demonic drummer for the Lords.

Soon after, the LORDS manifested what mankind now knows as the most metal album ever conceived: "Death, or Sandwich". Following numerous highly publicized incidents of spontaneous combustion and/or face melting due to listening to the CD's contents, a shadowy multinational group known only as "SPIDR" amassed an army of the most battle-hardened special ops soldiers they could find. Their mission: find and imprison the LORDS in order to use their unimaginable power as a weapon. Their first target was the Socrates of Shred. Although Socrates managed to destroy a large number of the soldiers, the group's leader (codename: Red Widow) knocked him out from behind. Imprisoned, the Socrates of Shred decided to take his own life rather than be turned into a weapon. The resulting implosion wiped the prison (and a large section of the countryside) off of the map.

Weakened, but not yet defeated, the LORDS began their search for a new guitarist, all the while keeping a watchful eye for the agents of SPIDR. Traveling to Rome, the LORDS decided to attend the games at the Colosseum. There they encountered the famed Killius Maximus, an undefeated gladiator whose only weapon was shred guitar. Admiring his skill, Asian Metal leapt into the area and challenged him to a duel. Their furious playing eventually led to a massive earthquake, destroying much of the city and leaving many sections of the Colosseum in ruins. After this impressive display, the LORDS were in agreement: Killius Maximus would be the new guitarist. But this would not be the end of strife for the LORDS...

During a short break from touring, Captain Bluddbeard and his crew decided to set sail in search of a legendary treasure in the middle of the treacherous sea graveyard known only as La Boca Del Diablo. Using his immeasurable skill to navigate the deadly rock formations, the Captain was near his prize. Suddenly, and without warning, a gigantic mechanical shark leapt out from the black sea, devouring the ship and all of its inhabitants. Broken, bleeding, and grasping at life, Captain Bluddbeard continued to pound away furiously at his bass, trying to escape the clutches of Davey Jones' Locker. From the abyss, Death appeared. The Captain pounded his bass against even Death himself, but was no match. With his last breath, he begged Death to assist the LORDS in finding a replacement. Death agreed.

Shortly thereafter, Death appeared to the LORDS and informed them of the Captain's demise. The LORDS were in shock - was this another attempt by SPIDR? Or perhaps someone (or something) else? But the issue remained - the LORDS needed a new bass player. Death thought the matter over. As Death himself was the only spirit able to match Bluddbeard on the bass, the only worthy replacement for Bluddbeard would be a bassist infused with the power of Death...and one who would be taught by Death himself.

For this task, Death journeyed to the decaying towers of the afterworld to seek out his High Priest - Pontifex Mortis. As the most revered leader of the Priests of Death, he would be the most worthy candidate for this task. Death explained the situation to Pontifex, and told him he would teach Pontifex the secrets of his deadly bass skill - if he survived the training. Over the course of months, Death's arcane bass secrets were imparted to Pontifex, and through his careful study he harnessed a bass power equally as deadly as the power of Death himself. Summoned before the LORDS, and at the request of Death, Pontifex swore a blood oath to aid the LORDS in their metal quest. Thus, the LORDS were again united, and METAL REIGNED SUPREME!! « hide


Death or Sandwich
2009

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