Review Summary: Guest Review by the Hair
This album is like Descartes’ imaginary world (as described in The World) before God introduced motion into it: HOMOGENOUS, UNDIFFERENTIATED. “I can hear the grass grow”—indeed. I can see the paint peel. Or, better:
This album is like Descartes’ imaginary world: it exists in imaginary spaces—14 imaginary spaces to be precise. Although some hold that there are an infinite number of such spaces, the Fall neither agree nor disagree with this. They simply do not make use of more than 14. Or better:
It is midnight. We find ourselves in a dark room. There is a fire in the fireplace. In the bed, Descartes is asleep. Meanwhile, Wittgenstein and Mark E. Smith discuss the nature of logic by candle light. The conversation goes as follows:
Wittgenstein: The first is called “Ride Away.”
*Wittgenstein writes “Ride Away” on a piece of paper while Mark E. Smith watches.*
Wittgenstein: The second, the third, and the forth.
*Wittgenstein writes “Pacifying Joint”, “What about Us”, and “Midnight Aspen.”*
Mark E. Smith: Now I can go on!
*Mark E. Smith writes “Assume.”*
Wittgenstein: What has happened here?
Mark E. Smith: I tried the formula
(1) an= track n on Fall Heads Roll
and when you wrote “Midnight Aspen” in the forth spot, it confirmed my hypothesis.
*Descartes briefly wakes up*
Descartes: Am I still dreaming? How would I know? Well, I can examine the sensations I am experiencing now, but that…I can…or better:
The next morning Descartes wakes up, and discovers that Wittgenstein and Mark E. Smith are still discussing logic. Wittgenstein tries to hand Descartes a cup.
Descartes: No coffee for me.
Wittgenstein: Malebranche quite likes it.
Descartes: Nietzsche does not. I do not understand why you insist upon making music, Mark. I wish you would devote yourself more to mathematics.
Mark E. Smith: You have not heard my music. It is nothing but mathematics. Or bet—
*Descartes stands up abruptly, causing Mark E. Smith to cease speaking. There is a brief silence.*
Descartes: Were you going to say “better”?
Mark E. Smith: Yes.
Descartes: This reminds me of the dreams I had last night. They were so vivid, so real, but there were moments of discontinuity between them. I remember thinking to myself, “or better:
Meanwhile, I sit at my computer, writing this review. Or better:
Meanwhile, I sit at my computer, reading this anti-review, thinking to myself: “This is utterly ridicules. Why does the author suppose that I would call this an “anti-review” anyway? Why would I say “suppose” anyway? That is not how I usually talk.”
Author: You are a character in my narrative. I can make you say whatever I want.
You: How can that be? Just a second ago I was sitting OUTSIDE of the computer, reading. In fact, it still seems to be the case that I am sitting outside the computer, reading.
Author: I would actually guess that you did not make it this far.
You: Well, apparently I did. How else could I be responding to what you are saying?
Author: You aren’t.
You: I certainly seem to be.
Author: No. I get to make you say whatever I want. You are just a character.
You: I don’t think I am just a character.
Author: Watch this.
You: I don’t get to decide what I say. I am just a character.
Author: That was a little disappointing.
You: Wouldn’t you prefer to think that I made it this far? That someone else read this?
Author: I would.
You: Shouldn’t you get around to discussing the album, or something?
Author: I am really not convinced that anyone is reading anymore.
You: Well, if that’s the case, would you like to hang around and talk anyway?
Author: I might as well.
Mark E. Smith: I, for one, would prefer that you discuss my record.
Author: What do you want to do, You? Shall you discuss the record?
You: Me?
Author: You!
You: You are the author of the review, and not me!
Author: “anti-review.”
You: Whatever. I’m leaving.
Author: I doubt that.
Mark E. Smith: I, for one, would very much like the author to discuss my record. Please, sir.
Author: I doubt that.
Mark E. Smith: You have already put enough absurd things into my mouth. Please, focus on the record, kind sir.
Author: This is the problem with being the author.
You: What’s that?
Mark E. Smith: Another digression! Please restrain yourself, kind sir.
Author: This bizarre politeness is totally uncharacteristic of the real Mark E. Smith. Sometimes it is so obvious that I am writing this that it is totally unenjoyable.
You: I haven’t enjoyed this for some time now.
Author: You haven’t been reading this for some time now.
You: But you just said that you doubted that I would…
Author: You are a character…
