Ranger
Knights of Darkness

Release Date: 2013 | Tracklist

I’m not even sure where Ranger is from, probably somewhere near that portal in Scandinavia right next door to the gates of Goddamn Helheim, but I can tell you with more certainty than I’ve had about anything ever that this band speeds f*cking hard. This debut EP has 5 songs of unadulterated speed riffs of face-smashing Goddamn fury that recall the terminal velocity of “Reign In Blood.” I’m not saying these guys are thrash, I honestly don’t know what the hell to call this aside from pure fists of holy-sh*t-Goddamn-SHRED acceleration. The vocalist switches from Tom Araya-esque rapid fire shouting to King Diamond/Rob Halford-like squeals of might while waxing about subject matter like fire, steel, how he rules the night, evil, and exactly how f*cking METAL Ranger are. There has to be at least two guitarists because if one man tried to play these riffs his arms would disintegrate before his brain exploded from a crippling aneurysm from the cascading vortex of unrivaled shreddage. The verse riffs are riffs of hell-lightning coupled with soaring Maiden-esque solos and leads of truth. I didn’t pay much attention to the drumming because it is entirely irrelevant with riffs like these. If you need 23 minutes to get jacked, this will serve two important purposes. The riffs of domination will compel you to fist fight a starving anaconda and simultaneously annihilate your sperm count, leaving you uninhibited to score with reckless abandon, which will absolutely happen because you just bathed yourself in an avalanche of speed metal and any panties within a 10 mile radius will be saturated from the unrelenting masculinity and musk dripping from these inimitable riffs of force.

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3.9 excellent

Rank: #100 for 2013