Review Summary: Way better than Viagra.
The brand new compilation album from the Swedish kings of cock rock has been released, a compilation of classics like (Makin’ Love By The) Windowpane, When (We Make Love), and much more, including a live version of their top hit, Famine (In The City (Of Love (In The City (Of Love)))). I have to admit bitches, when I firstly heard In Mist She Was Standing (a. Sunrise b. Gathering c. Mist d. The Sorceress e. Spells Of Doom f. Epilogue), I thought this was going to be a gay grandpa album full of homoerotic passages and unmanly, monotonous riffs. Guess what, I was dead wrong! The rest of the tracks actually overcompensated for that mistake called Orchid (Tales From Crimson Space), a progressive rock debut the ‘Stache is most certainly not proud of, baybuh.
Simply forget the first track, that’s not what manly cock rock fans like us want to hear. It’s a known scientific fact that if you listen to this song three times in a row, soon enough you’ll be wearing pantyhose and lipstick and sing Barbra Streisand songs all day. We need more lightning-fast solos and kroegressive riffs and less gay mellodong wankery. Rating = limpdick/10
Nectar (Drippin’ Wet) is a classic track from the album Morningrise (Ready For Lovin’), released in 1976. This is definitely the most important moment in Akerstache’s discography. This is the moment where he turned into a mayunly mayun and started writing awesomonious cock rock songs instead of homoromantic grandpa rock. When I heard that manly opening riff I completely forgave the ‘Stache for making such a homoerotic 70s prog rock song. But this one is pure cock rock wizardry, my mayuns. After listening to it, my hand felt like a jackhammer, because I simply couldn’t stop masturbating in a violent manner! The ensuing ejaculation was so ***ing powerful it impregnated all the hot baybuhs in the neighbourhood. When you hear those smooth, soaring leads making way to that manly riff at 02:55, you know it’s a classic ‘Stache song. Kroegster-approved. And it’s probably the raunchiest they’ve ever written (even more so than Makin’ Love By The Windowpane), since it combines manly riffs with smooth, soaring leads and most of all, kroegressive dirty lyrics that would make every woman in the world gush from excitement (“Give me your nectar, baybuh, I need you drippin’ wet”). Rating = 100000000000000000000000/10 (I will ***ing kill you all if you only rate this with a perfect score, bitches)
When (We Make Love) is guaranteed to make you headbang as hard as you can while instinctively turning the speakers up to maximum volume and performing a furious windmill with your Svollen-Boehner. It was originally released in their ’77 album My Arms, Your Hearse (For Better Or Worse). Cock-solid riffs, kroegressively harmonic leads and lots of speed are the most interesting things about this track, and the lyrics are definitely not bad at all, baybuh (“Stars collide, no end is in sight Oh lord When we make love Tonight will be alright and I will hold you tight Oh lord When we make love”) Rating = 10000000000000000000000/10
Face Of Melinda (She Was A Gypsy Queen) from their ‘78 outing Still Life (When You Got No Wife) will surely provide you the most testicle-heating of atmospheres, baybuh. This song isn’t as energetic or powerful as the previous ones, but the vocal performance is so kroegressive it will make you laugh (from the dangerously high amounts of joy, obviously). Mikael “The Sleaze” Akerstache showcases his uncanny ability to compose beautiful, nostalgic melodies and also perform different instruments with ease. Kroegtastic organ performance, Akermayun! Rating = 1000000000000000000000/10
The next track is Harvest (The Crops Of Love), a legendary 80s ballad from a legendary 80s ‘Stache album called Blackwater Park (Makin’ Love In The Dark) (best ***ing title ever, by the way). I uncontrollably cried tears of semen when I heard this, because it’s certainly one of the most delicate Akerstache songs, evidenced by the smooth keyboards, melancholic lyrics (dealing with a long-time relationship that has come to an end) and a ***ing heart-wrenching vocal performance as well, baybuh. That gated reverb effect and soaring arpeggios in the beginning of the track never fail to send chills down my spine (and cock). And how could anyone listen to that chorus without jizzing kroegressively? However, the verse has to be my favourite part of the song: “YEEEWWWW GAWTTA BE A MAWWYYUUUGHHNNN!!!” Rating = 1000000000000000000000000/10
A Fair Judgement (By Love), from Deliverance (Love Letters Of Love). Now this is where things start getting really dirty and where The Sleaze completely unveils his mayunliness. Something I find very peculiar about this track is that it was inspired by the release of the Akerstache sex tape in 1980 (a true story). Kroegasmic riffs is something this song doesn’t lack, as well as speed, aggressiveness, badassery, and guess what, it even has a neoclassical solo near the end! ***ing kroegerrific bros! You’d think a band couldn’t write an interesting AND diverse song without it being longer than 5 minutes, right? Well Akerstache has proved you wrong, this is only 2 minutes and 28 seconds long. Way better than the entire Opteh discography (which, as you bitches know, is just an Akerstache rip-off band). FAAAYUUUUGGHHH JUDGEMAAAYUUUGGHHHNNN, BY LOOOUUUURRRRVVVHHEEE!!!!!! Rating = 1000000000000000000000000/10
(Makin’ Love By The) Windowpane is likely to be my favourite song on the compilation album, a perfect fusion of cockiness, attitude, and fayurgh of desayurgh. It will make your scrotum swell with that funky intro until it subsequently explodes during the verse and chorus. When I heard this for the first time, dozens of hot, naked bitches simultaneously came (pun totally intended) into my room and started giving me blowjobs while jerking me off in a violent, compulsive manner. Needless to say, the ensuing Kroejaculation was so powerful their heads got blown away into outer space. MAAAYYYYKIIIN LOUUUUVVVHHHEEE, BY DA WINDOWWWWPAAAYYYUUUGGHHHNNN!!!!!! There are so many memorable, legendary vocal parts on this song that I could fill an entire textbook pointing them all out, but I shall only quote my faves: “GAWWNNA GET A LAAAYYYUUUUGGHHH, DIRTY WOMAWN CUM MAH WAYYYYYUUURRRGGHHHH!” and “NEIGHBOURS AIN’T COMPLAINING AND MAH LOUVHE FOR YOU AIN’T FADIN-UUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!” Simply ***ing kroegtastic! Rating = 100000000000000000000000000/10
Hours Of Wealth (Just Got Paid) is another famous track from the ‘Stache, from the ’83 masterpiece Ghost Reveries (Lovin’ Memories). This shares some sort of similarity with The Lines In My Hand (Tell Me You’re The One), it has a pretty similar romantic vibe to it, although I slightly prefer this song because of the colorful keytar approach. A simple, yet effective approach, baybuh. It’s the quintessential 80s song, and if you close your eyes while listening to it, you won’t be able to think about anything else rather than tight, bulging leather pants, hot bitches with big hair and neon lights (in the city (of love (baybuh))). And of course, hot, melted cheese, soft, furry kittens, and fearless, badass honey badgers! Also, congrats on Akerstache for another kroegerrific vocal performance drenched in a mayunly accent (of love). OH BAYBUH, I JUST GOT PAYOUGH!!!! Rating = 10000000000000000000000/10
(Your Lust Is A) Burden is simply the most kroegedelic track from Akerstache. Pensive yet dark and epic, it’s the perfect soundtrack to those times when you’re lying down in your bed with your eyes closed. It’s also a bit similar to Folklore (Interlude in Em Composed For The Keytar). Rating = 100000000000000000000000/10
And finally, the album ends with a live version of the most kroegasmic, testosterone-drenched song ever, Famine (In The City (Of Love (In The City (Of Love)))) recorded live in the City Of Love. I’m ***ing proud that I was present at that concert, because I didn’t know it was going to be featured in a compilation album! I remember I jizzed so much I got home and my pleather pants had an enormous hole in the front. Good times, bros. Rating = 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 000000000000000000/10
Best compilation album for sure, it’s an amalgamation of the finest Akerstache songs (well, except for In Mist She Was Standing) and it sure will cause lots of Kroejaculations™ around the world, with its blend of virtuosity and cockiness. Rating = ∞/10
