please crit my untitled song....none of that "i want to kill myself" stuff
 

[B]Ok....im new to this site even though ive been browsing it since Christmas..........But anyways, heres a song thats kind of personal with a hidden meaning.....i hope you enjoy it. (its untitled)[/B]


Mother Marys right behind me
whispering nonsense of a past long lost
Making all my praisings worthless
Changing everyone around me.

Watching like a stalking tiger
waiting for who the blame rests
tossing me into a world of complication
throwing indecision in after me

Why cant we be together?!
Why am I gone forever?!
Why cant we sleep foreever?
one last time.....forever

(let me see you one more time
please,god, let her call me mine)

Paranoia sits upon my shoulders
breathing down my neck to die
Making confusion in my head
Trying to make me pass this time

Why cant we be together?!
Why am I gone forever?!
Why can’t we sleep together?
One last time…. forever…


thats it! please crit!

It doesn't do much for me, but it's not bad.
Post more of your writing and don't forget to crit other people's stuff.

Its okay.

The hidden message wouldn't have something to with jesus, or god would it. The first verse gives me that idea.

lol.....no it doesnt...thanks guys by the way..i'll be sure to crit some of your stuff...

Structure???
 

Trying to fing structure in the verses. The chorus is OK - nothing shouts death like the overused phrase "sleep forever" or "forever sleep"....

Hard to write riffs to.. sorry - maybe you should take the idea and simple up the content to give it more of a rhythm. Sometime less words in a sentence is better than more...

thanks chaos...i'll be sure to crit some of your stuff

oh.....i didnt notice before.....i didnt mean to die in the part "why cant we sleep forever".no i didnt mean it to be about death

*bump*

i thikn thats really good. keep up the good work. good job son.

ah.........bumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbump

i think you have a nice idea and can really turn this into a good song--i wont lie, theres alot of work to do but if you take what you already have and reshape it abit its not that bad dude :-)

thanks man......ii'll crit some of your stuff now

ah.......is it that bad people? Bump

no i liked it.

lol.........i knew YOU liked it switchblade.....but noones commenting so i said that, my bad bro..... BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP

good start needs a little more clarity maybe a metaphor short and sweet of course. It has a dark romantic feel, i once read that you should write what you feel. Now that doesn't neccasarilly mean you have to write what you know but whats inside of you. You make it sound like you wish to write as a transendalist but it comes out with a little southern goth. my advice is to be true to self. I like the message and the need you convey in the song.

It's...okay. First off, the line "waiting for who the blame rests" doesn't make sense to me. Gramatically, it would be "for whom the blame rests upon" or something like that. Unless I'm misinterpreting it. Secondly, I don't like the AAAA rhyming of the chorus. I think you should change the first line of the chorus to a non-rhyme, so that it's ABBB. I think that would give it a fresh sound, and take away the lame-ish "together/forever" rhyme. Try to use a more poetic or metaphoric line as the replacement, too. A small change like that could really make this song way better.

tool --- "sober" do u not c it?> come on.

[QUOTE=rimmey]tool --- "sober" do u not c it?> come on.[/QUOTE]
lmao the man is correct:

[url]http://www.lyricsdir.com/t/tool/sober.php[/url]

U made a bad job of imitating it 2. It no longer flows

[QUOTE=rimmey]tool --- "sober" do u not c it?> come on.[/QUOTE]

Oh my god, you're right. I can't believe I didn't notice it before. Wow, compared to Maynard, these lyrics really suck.

lol thats sad

you know
i am trying to contemplate if you tried to really say you wrote this.... or what? i mean wow... your a dumbass... good idea would be not to post on here again... unless of course it was all a mistake then i would say "copnsider revising" but it wasnt a mistake.. or i highly doubt it.... but if it was i take back the dumbass comment

I like it. Its not dazzling, but its definatley not bad.

I like...

Watching like a stalking tiger
waiting for who the blame rests
tossing me into a world of complication
throwing indecision in after me

This piece struck me. very nice piece.

6/10 overall!!

I don't think it would be that hard. To write a riff to "sleep forever" actually, if i knew how to play the things in my head on guitar. It would good. Not to blow my own horn, but in my opinion I think it would give it that affect, however, what I think and the writer thinks is two diffrent things.

Just admit you ripped off Sober

[QUOTE]Sober Lyrics

There's a shadow [COLOR=Red]just behind me[/COLOR]
Shrouding every step I take
Making every promise empty
Pointing every finger at me
[COLOR=Red]Waiting like a stalking buttler
Who upon the finger rests[/COLOR]
Murder now, the pattern called "must we"
Just because the son has come
[COLOR=Red]
Jesus,wont you ****ing whistle ?
Something but the past and done[/COLOR]
Jesus, wont you ****ing whistle
Something but the past and done
[COLOR=Red]
Why can't we not be sober?[/COLOR]
I just want to start this over
And why can't we drink forever?
I just want to start this over

I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
I will find a centre in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down
[COLOR=Red]
Mother Mary, won't you whisper?
Something but what's past and done
Mother Mary, won't you whisper?
Something but what's past and done[/COLOR]

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over
[COLOR=Red]And why can't we sleep forever?[/COLOR]
I just want to start this over
And why?

I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
I will find a centre in you
I will chew it up and leave

Trust me

*Chorus

I want it when I want it
[/QUOTE]

JESUS WONT YOU ****ING WHISTLE!
why can we not be soberrrrrr

holy SH*T how come i didnt notice this....well isnt that interesting..mixing sober with your other stuff. ahaha well...hmm...def. work on making it not sound like a sh*tty copy/interpretation from a tool song

[B]maynards the man[/B]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

SUCH AN OBVIOUS RIPOFF

You're pathetic.

You know, Its too bad there's none of that "I want to kill myself" stuff. If there were I could only hope you'd go through with it.

*Hmmz*

I hadnt heard that sober song before, so i dunno really

I like your basic idea, but it could be improved and more original, there are already lots of "trying to be depressing songs"

It does sound like you ripped it off......
I would get rid of all that stuff that resembles Sober and change it. It could be salvaged into a different song.

guys..
what does bump mean?
sorry


oh yeah and the song is pretty good
first verse made me instantly think of "Let it Be" by the Beatles though