please crit my untitled song....none of that "i want to kill myself" stuff

TimeCannotExplain · 04-09-2004, 01:37 PM

Ok....im new to this site even though ive been browsing it since Christmas..........But anyways, heres a song thats kind of personal with a hidden meaning.....i hope you enjoy it. (its untitled)

Mother Marys right behind me
whispering nonsense of a past long lost
Making all my praisings worthless
Changing everyone around me.

Watching like a stalking tiger
waiting for who the blame rests
tossing me into a world of complication
throwing indecision in after me

Why cant we be together?!
Why am I gone forever?!
Why cant we sleep foreever?
one last time.....forever

(let me see you one more time
please,god, let her call me mine)

Paranoia sits upon my shoulders
breathing down my neck to die
Making confusion in my head
Trying to make me pass this time

Why cant we be together?!
Why am I gone forever?!
Why can’t we sleep together?
One last time…. forever…

thats it! please crit!

Sloth · 04-09-2004, 01:57 PM

It doesn't do much for me, but it's not bad.
Post more of your writing and don't forget to crit other people's stuff.

Music rockS · 04-09-2004, 02:04 PM

Its okay.

The hidden message wouldn't have something to with jesus, or god would it. The first verse gives me that idea.

TimeCannotExplain · 04-09-2004, 02:06 PM

lol.....no it doesnt...thanks guys by the way..i'll be sure to crit some of your stuff...

chaos00 · 04-09-2004, 03:11 PM

Trying to fing structure in the verses. The chorus is OK - nothing shouts death like the overused phrase "sleep forever" or "forever sleep"....

Hard to write riffs to.. sorry - maybe you should take the idea and simple up the content to give it more of a rhythm. Sometime less words in a sentence is better than more...

TimeCannotExplain · 04-09-2004, 03:42 PM

thanks chaos...i'll be sure to crit some of your stuff

TimeCannotExplain · 04-09-2004, 04:02 PM

oh.....i didnt notice before.....i didnt mean to die in the part "why cant we sleep forever".no i didnt mean it to be about death

TimeCannotExplain · 04-09-2004, 10:49 PM

*bump*

switchbladeX · 04-09-2004, 10:59 PM

i thikn thats really good. keep up the good work. good job son.

TimeCannotExplain · 04-10-2004, 01:47 PM

ah.........bumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbum pbumpbumpbump

already x fell · 04-10-2004, 06:05 PM

i think you have a nice idea and can really turn this into a good song--i wont lie, theres alot of work to do but if you take what you already have and reshape it abit its not that bad dude :-)

TimeCannotExplain · 04-10-2004, 06:17 PM

thanks man......ii'll crit some of your stuff now

TimeCannotExplain · 04-10-2004, 09:52 PM

ah.......is it that bad people? Bump

switchbladeX · 04-10-2004, 10:45 PM

no i liked it.

TimeCannotExplain · 04-12-2004, 05:05 PM

lol.........i knew YOU liked it switchblade.....but noones commenting so i said that, my bad bro..... BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP

magic13237 · 04-12-2004, 07:54 PM

good start needs a little more clarity maybe a metaphor short and sweet of course. It has a dark romantic feel, i once read that you should write what you feel. Now that doesn't neccasarilly mean you have to write what you know but whats inside of you. You make it sound like you wish to write as a transendalist but it comes out with a little southern goth. my advice is to be true to self. I like the message and the need you convey in the song.

Leaves · 04-12-2004, 11:25 PM

It's...okay. First off, the line "waiting for who the blame rests" doesn't make sense to me. Gramatically, it would be "for whom the blame rests upon" or something like that. Unless I'm misinterpreting it. Secondly, I don't like the AAAA rhyming of the chorus. I think you should change the first line of the chorus to a non-rhyme, so that it's ABBB. I think that would give it a fresh sound, and take away the lame-ish "together/forever" rhyme. Try to use a more poetic or metaphoric line as the replacement, too. A small change like that could really make this song way better.

rimmey · 04-13-2004, 02:14 AM

tool --- "sober" do u not c it?> come on.

Speedhorn666 · 04-13-2004, 04:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rimmey

tool --- "sober" do u not c it?> come on.

lmao the man is correct:

http://www.lyricsdir.com/t/tool/sober.php

U made a bad job of imitating it 2. It no longer flows

Leaves · 04-13-2004, 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rimmey

tool --- "sober" do u not c it?> come on.

Oh my god, you're right. I can't believe I didn't notice it before. Wow, compared to Maynard, these lyrics really suck.

04-09-2004, 01:37 PM	#1
TimeCannotExplain too slow in daydreams Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 19	please crit my untitled song....none of that "i want to kill myself" stuff Ok....im new to this site even though ive been browsing it since Christmas..........But anyways, heres a song thats kind of personal with a hidden meaning.....i hope you enjoy it. (its untitled) Mother Marys right behind me whispering nonsense of a past long lost Making all my praisings worthless Changing everyone around me. Watching like a stalking tiger waiting for who the blame rests tossing me into a world of complication throwing indecision in after me Why cant we be together?! Why am I gone forever?! Why cant we sleep foreever? one last time.....forever (let me see you one more time please,god, let her call me mine) Paranoia sits upon my shoulders breathing down my neck to die Making confusion in my head Trying to make me pass this time Why cant we be together?! Why am I gone forever?! Why can’t we sleep together? One last time…. forever… thats it! please crit!

04-09-2004, 03:11 PM	#5
chaos00 Out of service. Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: St. Louis, MO Posts: 75	Structure??? Trying to fing structure in the verses. The chorus is OK - nothing shouts death like the overused phrase "sleep forever" or "forever sleep".... Hard to write riffs to.. sorry - maybe you should take the idea and simple up the content to give it more of a rhythm. Sometime less words in a sentence is better than more...

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04-09-2004, 01:57 PM	#2
Sloth I steal sh.i.t Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 1,530	It doesn't do much for me, but it's not bad. Post more of your writing and don't forget to crit other people's stuff.

04-09-2004, 02:04 PM	#3
Music rockS Stone Magnet Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 4,090	Its okay. The hidden message wouldn't have something to with jesus, or god would it. The first verse gives me that idea.

04-09-2004, 02:06 PM	#4
TimeCannotExplain too slow in daydreams Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 19	lol.....no it doesnt...thanks guys by the way..i'll be sure to crit some of your stuff...

04-09-2004, 03:42 PM	#6
TimeCannotExplain too slow in daydreams Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 19	thanks chaos...i'll be sure to crit some of your stuff

04-09-2004, 04:02 PM	#7
TimeCannotExplain too slow in daydreams Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 19	oh.....i didnt notice before.....i didnt mean to die in the part "why cant we sleep forever".no i didnt mean it to be about death

04-09-2004, 10:49 PM	#8
TimeCannotExplain too slow in daydreams Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 19	bump

04-09-2004, 10:59 PM	#9
switchbladeX Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 59	i thikn thats really good. keep up the good work. good job son.

04-10-2004, 01:47 PM	#10
TimeCannotExplain too slow in daydreams Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 19	ah.........bumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbum pbumpbumpbump

04-10-2004, 06:05 PM	#11
already x fell clever got me this far... Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 146	i think you have a nice idea and can really turn this into a good song--i wont lie, theres alot of work to do but if you take what you already have and reshape it abit its not that bad dude :-)

04-10-2004, 06:17 PM	#12
TimeCannotExplain too slow in daydreams Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 19	thanks man......ii'll crit some of your stuff now

04-10-2004, 09:52 PM	#13
TimeCannotExplain too slow in daydreams Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 19	ah.......is it that bad people? Bump

04-10-2004, 10:45 PM	#14
switchbladeX Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 59	no i liked it.

04-12-2004, 05:05 PM	#15
TimeCannotExplain too slow in daydreams Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 19	lol.........i knew YOU liked it switchblade.....but noones commenting so i said that, my bad bro..... BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP

04-12-2004, 07:54 PM	#16
magic13237 i have a losers happiness Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: vancouver wa. Posts: 235	good start needs a little more clarity maybe a metaphor short and sweet of course. It has a dark romantic feel, i once read that you should write what you feel. Now that doesn't neccasarilly mean you have to write what you know but whats inside of you. You make it sound like you wish to write as a transendalist but it comes out with a little southern goth. my advice is to be true to self. I like the message and the need you convey in the song.

04-12-2004, 11:25 PM	#17
Leaves ain't lettin' it get me Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: SE Minnesota Posts: 449	It's...okay. First off, the line "waiting for who the blame rests" doesn't make sense to me. Gramatically, it would be "for whom the blame rests upon" or something like that. Unless I'm misinterpreting it. Secondly, I don't like the AAAA rhyming of the chorus. I think you should change the first line of the chorus to a non-rhyme, so that it's ABBB. I think that would give it a fresh sound, and take away the lame-ish "together/forever" rhyme. Try to use a more poetic or metaphoric line as the replacement, too. A small change like that could really make this song way better.

04-13-2004, 02:14 AM	#18
rimmey Registered User Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5	tool --- "sober" do u not c it?> come on.