More Popular Bands That I Loathe
The legacy continues |
| 1 |  | Counterparts
A Eulogy for Those Still Here
A gang of syrup-swilling manlets screaming and shouting about how difficult it is hating themselves and being simps. I can't imagine how devastating it must be when the Tim Horton's next to the recording studio runs out of French Vanilla lattes. Those are truly timeless, universal problems that need to be discussed on a massive scale. I can't listen to the vocals for more than 10 seconds without thinking to myself "dude... literally shut the fuck up." It's just the absolute worst trash imaginable and I'm genuinely baffled anyone can stomach this stuff. Their latest album is very appropriately titled. You'd have to be dead, physically or mentally, to remotely care about this embarrassment of a band. As far as metalcore goes, you'd be better served listening to their counterparts. Counterparts? More like Counterfarts. Total crap. |
| 2 |  | Knocked Loose
A Tear in the Fabric of Life
Disney should sue for unlicensed use of the Mickey Mouse voice. This band is a rotten tooth in the mouth of heavy music that needs to be knocked loose. They're a tear in the fabric of music and an overhyped blemish on the heavy scene. It doesn't help either that the fans are some of the most petulant, overcompensating crybabies you'll ever come across. Why don't y'all do the world a favor and two-step yourselves into the psyche ward. You can have all the pudding, crayons and karate space you want. It's the ultimate win-win scenario. |
| 3 |  | Failure
Fantastic Planet
Fantastic planet? Not with this band on it. I'll admit the band name is appropriate tho. |
| 4 |  | Rush
Moving Pictures
Listening to this band is such a rush! I'm literally always in a rush to turn this shit off! |
| 5 |  | Fit for an Autopsy
Oh What the Future Holds
Another band with a perfect title. As far as creativity goes they were certainly dead on arrival. The production is over compressed, the riffs are overused, the vocals are overly mediocre, and the potential is overly missed. My assessment deems this band fit for a breakup. |
| 6 |  | Stray from the Path
Euthanasia
Rage Against the Machine called. They want their fucking lyrics back. Much like their plagiarized counterpart, here we have yet another brigade of such laughable irony. Claiming to be part of a counterculture, yet their views align 100% with the same corporate machine they ostensibly oppose. This off-brand woke rap-rock garbage is completely insufferable, and as their braindead songs might suggest, the fans are inclined to report you if you bash them. Every song sounds exactly the same and the jizz-haired singer sounds like my mother-in-law backseat driving. If the members of this manletcore ensemble put half as much effort into songwriting as they do hating cops, they might craft a decent song. Until then, I hope they learn there's nothing virtuous about living in perpetual self-deprecation and bitterness. If they want to know the root cause of their misery, they should sell their instruments and buy a mirror. |
| 7 |  | Boris
Amplifier Worship
Bore us |
| 8 |  | Elton John
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
"I suck cock! It's a big deal!" - every Elton John song ever |
| 9 |  | Ghost (SWE)
Infestissumam
A metallic caricature of every Woodstock band boomers worship |
| 10 |  | Gaza
I Don't Care Where I Go When I Die
I don't care where I go as long as I don't have to listen to this shit. |
| 11 |  | Rolo Tomassi
Time Will Die And Love Will Bury It
I wish my memory of this band would die and Slowdive would bury it. It's like they've incorporated everything I can't stand in music and made a band out of it. Obnoxious harsh female vocals, instruments that don't fit (throw that keyboard out ffs), lack of distinct riffs or hooks, awful guitar tone, arbitrary clean sections that disrupt the flow of the songs, etc. This is a perfect example of a "Sputnik band". People here rave about them incessantly, but if you show it to the average person the response is almost always "what the fuck is this shit?!". Converge is another perfect example. As soon as the vocals come in it's nothing but disgust and grimacing. Hard pass on this hipster trash. |
| 12 |  | As I Lay Dying
Shadows Are Security
Wifekillercore that makes me wish I was dying |
| 13 |  | All That Remains
The Fall of Ideals
All that remains is a tattered legacy. Although, even their good stuff isn't THAT good tbh. Their more recent material is so insanely embarrassing. I feel sorry for the fans of this band. |
| 14 |  | Ulver
Bergtatt - Et eeventyr i 5 capitler
I gotta hand it to this band. There isn't a single other group that have embarrassed themselves in this many genres. They should've named themseves Ulcer, because they're a painful sore in the stomach of music that causes nothing but pain for the listener. Take your unlistenable lo-fi scandilamevian rubbish and your pretentious little orchestra and get lost. |
| 15 |  | American Football
American Football
The singer always sings in the key of stripper clothes and this particular brand of pussified indie rock crap always came across so immensely boring and uninspired to me. The name is also rather ironic. American football involves passion, talent, and competitiveness. This band embodies none of that. They should change their name to WNBA. It's more boring than watching paint dry, and while some people may pretend to enjoy it, everyone knows they're full of shit. |
| 16 |  | Machine Gun Kelly
Mainstream Sellout
This little hair dye surprise is responsible for more cringeworthy tabloid headlines than I care to remember. It's generic bubblegum crap from an emotional trainwreck with an identity crisis. He looks hip-hop, he sounds pop-punk, and he talks country. Can't fault him too much tho since he jumped in the foxhole. |
| 17 |  | Refused
The Shape of Punk to Come
I wish they refused to make music. Admittedly though, it's noble to name the band after their romantic advances. |
| 18 |  | Botch
We Are the Romans
They're not the Romans. The Romans built one of the most powerful empires ever known. The only thing these guys ever did was botch any prospect of making decent music. We Are the Romans? More like We Are the Retards. No thanks. |
| 19 |  | Mumford and Sons
Babel
Ah yes, Mumford and Sons. A band specifically designed to fill the ears of soccer moms as they peruse living room options at Pottery Barn. It's uninspired folk music for the first world with the emotional depth of a shopping mall parking lot. |
| 20 |  | Iron Maiden
Piece of Mind
I'd rather die with my boots on and my remarkably impressive schlong and bollocks dipped in scalding hot tea than listen to these Union Jack Hacks. The bass is always way too high in the mix and the tone blows, and the singer sounds like Molly Ringwald's retarded neighbor. Apparently they have a plane too with their dumb little Gene Simmons mummy mascot on the side. Maybe they'll name their next live album Flight of the Feces and play the Madison Square Garden restroom. Influential relevance aside, nothing about this band pleases me whatsoever. Merely a stepping stone to reach a better sound. |
| 21 |  | Vladislav Delay
Anima
Useless flip-flop bleep-bloop crap that sounds like robots having a softcore orgy in a subway tunnel. In fact I'd rather be run over by a subway than have to sit through this fucking garbage ever again. |
| 22 |  | Melt-Banana
3+5
This sounds like a burlap sack of kittens being tossed in a trash compactor. |
| 23 |  | Bjork
Homogenic
Take me to an arcade and allow me to unleash a beastly hose of Chipotle-induced diarrhea onto a senile old woman's face. It'd sound exactly like this. |
| 24 |  | Blood Incantation
Hidden History of the Human Race
These guys are their own worst enemy. There's no way aliens will visit us when there's abysmally-produced, self-important shite like this on our planet. Somebody call Sully and Mulder to investigate the crop circle on the vocalist's head. I wish they'd Awaken from the Dream of Delusion into the One-Dimensional Reality of Their Music and spare us any further torment. |
| 25 |  | Panda Bear
Person Pitch
Outback-driving, Sperry-walking, Kale-munching, IPA-sipping Neanderthals will call The Beatles "overrated", then heap praise on this plodding load of predictable drivel in the next breath. Can we save the pandas and make this crap endangered instead? |
| 26 |  | Kublai Khan TX
Absolute
I wish this band would Self-Destruct |
| 27 |  | Imagine Dragons
Mercury - Act 1
Imagine draggin' your balls over a table saw |
| 28 |  | Lizzo
Special
I tried to get into her, but I just can't stomach it. The emotional weight of the songs is exhausting, and they take a heavy toll on the heart. She's also embroiled in a big scandal, which I refuse to comment on until the courts weigh in. |
| 29 |  | Sleep Token
Take Me Back to Eden
Music that sounds like an AI-generated abomination of Periphery and Imagine Dragons. A band tailored to the TikTok generation with bland songwriting, undercooked ideas, sterile production, obligatory clean vocals, and a pervert cosplay image. It's the musical equivalent of Buffalo Wild Wings which the fans consider fine dining. The members look like they're gonna suck-off General Grievous any minute and the vocalist's face looks like a vessel for dicks. It wouldn't be so bad if every time he opened his blackface glory hole it wasn't pure AIDs spilling out. Sleep Token? More like Sleep Broken. Hard pass on this snoozefest. |
| 30 |  | Portugal. The Man
Woodstock
Horrible. The Band |
| 31 |  | Animal Collective
Strawberry Jam
One of the few projects I can think of where the instruments sound like they're actively being tortured. They should've called themselves Animal Abuse or Rascal Flatts because this is some of the most insufferable garbage I've ever heard. It's a horrible noise museum from a couple dudes who look like Pitchfork personified. I'd rather strawberry jam a cactus up my own arse than have to sit through this shit again. |
| 32 |  | Arctic Monkeys
Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not
These Geeky Blinders are the musical equivalent of jellied eels: disgustingly slimey, repulsively flavorless, and nauseatingly British. |
| 33 |  | Defeater
Travels
Defeater? More like Defeatist. They can't even pull their eyes off their own dingle dangles and look at life from better angles. Every song is some variation of "I'm down in hell and I've been drinking and I'm sad and I don't even recognize my home anymore and it's a big deal". It's so played and boring the only thing they could defeat was my patience. The vocal delivery sounds like a housewife bitching at her husband for messing up the Boston Market order. "What's left for me? There's no mashed potatoes for ME?!!" Yawn. |
| 34 |  | Ulcerate
Everything Is Fire
An absolute ulcer in the stomach of music. This trio of bald edgelord fucks couldn't write a compelling song if their shire-dwelling lives depended on it. The brachiosaurus on guitar writes such dated and boring riffs you'd think we were back in the mesozoic era. Idk how he survived, but I guess it's kinda cool he wrote this album about the K-T extinction. Never thought I'd hear about it from the first-person perspective. Somebody call The Ocean and have them take notes! Or have Victoria Bitter reach out for a sponsorship. The drummer wears gratuitously large headphones, probably so he can have his favorite episodes of Toi Time pumped into his noggin. If his fills are good enough he gets his juicebox after the show. Also the vocalist sounds like my grumbly tummy after too much lembas bread. Ulcerate? More like Boredor. They have as many good ideas as they have hairs on their heads. This is truly one band to bore them all. |
| 35 |  | Opeth
Damnation
Folksy progcore sing-songy crap for longhairs who smell and pretend they listen to Rush |
| 36 |  | Chelsea Wolfe
Apokalypsis
This chick is about as spooky and foreboding as my father's balls. Actually I take that back. At least my father's balls produced something of value and don't sound a slam poetry "artist" doing a Muse impression while guitars are being tuned in a beehive. |
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