Review Summary: INSIDE THE COURTROOM: A Shocking Exposé of the Ed Sheeran Copyright Infringement Trial
BAILIFF: All rise, the honorable Judge Billiam Megamilliams presiding.
JUDGE MEGAMILLIAMS: Thank you, you may be seated. I don’t know about you all, but I almost didn’t want this trial to start. They’ve got Swedish meatballs in the lobby.
MRS. WALSH: Your honor, Andrea Walsh on behalf of Edward Sheeran. Mr. Sheeran is present in court and ready to proceed.
JUDGE MEGAMILLIAMS: Very well. Mr. Sheeran is accused of 14, or 18, counts of copyright infringement by the prosecution.
GILBERT ARENAS: Your honor, former NBA All-Star turned prosecutor Gilbert Arenas on behalf of the elevator.
JUDGE MEGAMILLIAMS: Good to see you again, Mr. Hibachi. It’s been such a long — pardon me?
ELEVATOR: That’s
MY music, damn it! You won’t get away with this, Baggins!
GILBERT ARENAS: Easy, Glenn. Let me do the talking. We’re ready to proceed with motions, Your Honor.
JUDGE MEGAMILLIAMS: Understood, you may call your first witness.
GILBERT ARENAS: We call the defendant, Ed Sheeran, to the stand. Let the record show that I am currently flexing on you b
itches with my sick hesi dribble moves.
*Ed Sheeran makes his way to the stand*.
JUDGE MEGAMILLIAMS: Kathleen, you don’t need to type that.
GILBERT ARENAS: Mr. Sheeran, your new album
Subtract was released Friday, the 5th of May, 2023, correct?
ED SHEERAN: Yes, sir.
GILBERT ARENAS: And you assert that the music contained within this album is your own intellectual property?
ED SHEERAN: I do.
ELEVATOR: He spews falsehood!
MRS. WALSH: Objection, puzzling word choice?
JUDGE MEGAMILLIAMS: Sustained. Continue your interruption, elevator, but speak like a normal person, and not an elevator that somehow learned English.
ELEVATOR: I’ve had the market cornered on this scene of music for decades. My fingerprints are smudged on all 14 tracks of this charlatan’s album, 18 if you count the superfluous deluxe edition. The genre is named after me, for God’s sake. Any public area, any town square, any harshly lit warehouse you enter, there I am, supplying the ambient nothingness that pollutes your mind and dampens your intellect without even an inkling of your conscious awareness. And
this man has the audacity to pass off 14 of my greatest hits, and 4 of my other greatest hits, as his own work! If I had fingers, I’d point them all at this goober. Shame, Chuckles! SHHHAAAAAAMMMMMEEEEEE.
JUDGE MEGAMILLIAMS: Now, sir. These are serious and weighty accusations to be making; surely you have evidence to substantiate these claims.
GILBERT ARENAS: Oh sh
it Billiam, this elevator’s about to dunk on your ass.
ELEVATOR: I don’t even know where would be best to begin, so let’s just start with all the egregious uncleared samples of my built-in audio. Exhibit 3, “Eyes Closed”, brazenly loops the sound effect that plays when my doors open and shut, chooses it as the foundation of its beat, and really expects me not to notice. That’s just insulting, Eduardo. My ambient piano library has also been ruthlessly scoured and pilfered, and now every jingle in my catalog that’s supposed to make sunscreen-slathered white people passengers feel safe is being used to anchor tracks like “No Strings”, “Sycamore” and “Borderline”. If you’re going to steal, at least do it well. Every track I just mentioned flounders outside of the context of the elevator, because they’re being asked to do too much. It’s almost as if my sounds should stay within my walls; what a shocking proposition!
JUDGE MEGAMILLIAMS: Mr. Sheeran, did you clear these samples with the prosecution?
ED SHEERAN: They’re not samples, Aaron Dessner played them.
JUDGE MEGAMILLIAMS: Somehow, that’s even worse for me to think about. Continue, Mr. Elevator.
ELEVATOR: There’s no end to this man’s picking of my pockets. Consider Exhibit 5, “Dusty”, another song based entirely on a stolen loop of my tropical preset that plays whenever someone hits the 7 button. The hotel has themed floors, deal with it. Anyway, Brother Lawrence over here tried to play it safe and insert some of his own songwriting into the bridge to try and pass it off as his own, and not only is it the most atonal thing I’ve ever heard, it also
still manages to plagiarize the sound effect that plays when I make an emergency stop.
JUDGE MEGAMILLIAMS: I do have to say, this all sounds somewhat damning, but I’d imagine that the sum of money you seek in damages may be excessive due to Mr. Sheeran’s own work being present on
Subtract through his lyricism.
GILBERT ARENAS: And here comes the dagger!
*Gilbert Arenas launches a regulation basketball directly at Judge Megamilliams’ face, which then bounces right back into his hand. He is subsequently removed from the court by the Bailiff.*
JUDGE MEGAMILLIAMS: God damn it, Kathleen, do
NOT put that in the transcript.
ELEVATOR: I hereby assert that every single lyric on
Subtract was written by me, and not this flaming pants flaming hair flamingo that stands before you today. Take a closer look, and you’ll see my artistic genius behind every turn of phrase. Come on;
easy come, hard go, then life goes on?
Yesterday was a long night, but I got a feeling that the future is so bright?
The waves won’t break my boat? I was displaying these platitudes to passengers on my LED screen before you were
born, punk.
JUDGE MEGAMILLIAMS: I’m out of meatballs. Jurors, start deliberating or something.
*12 HOURS LATER*
JURY: Your Honor, we find the defendant, Edward Sheeran, not guilty of all 14, or 18, counts of copyright infringement.
JUDGE MEGAMILLIAMS: This loud swing of my big hammer makes it so. Court adjourned.
ELEVATOR: Jesus Christ. Shafted again.
