Review Summary: [This summary was obliterated by an explosion]
Hum-drum; a synonym for something lacking variety or excitement, a synonym for something so mind numbingly boring by the twenty-minute mark you’d want Optimus Prime to take his shiny metallic appendage, and slam your bolt and two nuts with it. This is only part of the wonderful merriment you’ll feel upon listening to the 78 minutes of Steve Jablonsky’s latest effort in the Transformers franchise, which was recorded up until three weeks before the film’s theatrical premiere.
In an attempt to differentiate his big budget action soundtrack from similar works, Steve Jablonsky enlisted the help of Hans Zimmer, who is well known for his big budget action soundtracks. Steve would have been fine with just Hans helping, but since Michael Bay was working closely with him on the soundtrack he would of course tap into Michael’s wealth of musical knowledge. So who else did they bring to work on the composition? Michael Bay said he wanted the music to have “energy” and “heart”, and that the group he chose was a popular band that captivated his imagination, so who I ask who? Did he perhaps enlist Radiohead to create memorable alt-rock undertones, or maybe he brought on Celldweller to add an industrial tinge to his orchestral symphony. Who would carry the esteemed torch you ask? Imagine mother fuckin’ Dragons. You might be a bit skeptical at first, but they truly left their mark on the soundtrack by adding some bleeps, blips and good ol’ bloops.
Speaking of the soundtrack, Steve’s really got the essentials here; you’ve got your big booming drum lines to accompany all the big booms on the screen, you’ve got your tender one-tone string arrangements to let the audience know that one dimensional robot characters are people too, and you’ve got your totally hefty and randomly placed electric guitar strums during the destructive explosion sequences where Michael Bay can show off his highly paid female movie extras, and then proceed backstage with her for some additional (and presumably disappointing) explosions. But wait! That’s the same as the last three Transformers movies, so what’s different? Slap some to the floor beats and techno influenced bibble-babble on them damn strings and you’ve got yourself a perfect concoction; it’ll be sure to keep your attention while you try to ignore the dude getting that awkward half-hand job from his disinterested partner in the next seat over. Don’t worry, Steve knows that audiences love hearing the same thing repeatedly; so he opted to skip the variety and use the exact same build-ups for the faster tracks. Monotonous is the new sexy; I mean who cares right? DINOBOTS BRO!
So if you feel like doing magical activities such as: passing a kidney stone, sitting in a long line at the DMV behind a guy who just had a double serving of Taco Bell, taking the bus wearing an Aiden tank-top and a Rolex watch in downtown LA, or getting your dick caught in your jeans zipper, this is the soundtrack for you! Jam those violins and electric guitars bro, because if Steve Jablonsky’s taught us anything, it’s that you can mask repetitive structuring and a blatant lack of diversity with millions of dollars worth of production value.
