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Last Active 12-13-12 8:10 am
Joined 01-12-04

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09.26.10 2107.21.10 Streetlight's Guide To Writing Reviews
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Streetlight's Guide To Writing Reviews

Because people can't.

Get some. Write like you own the fucking band. Pretend you know everything there is to know about your record. Even if you don't. You'll only get away with this if you
Don't Be Lazy.

Think. And when you're through thinking, think some more. If you aren't delivering line after line of insight, stop writing. You might also need to
Know Everything.

Don't just pretend. Actually know everything. The genre, the scene, the history. History in general, actaully. This will help when you realize that you need to
Stop Talking About The Music.

Seriously. Shut the hell up about the music, no one cares. And if you're going to talk about the music, do it only to illustrate a point. The idea is you should
Write Like You're Talking To Your Girlfriend.

Flirt a little. Tell a joke, tell a story, be casual, but not too vulgar. Make her laugh, get under her skin. Start getting too nitty gritty and she'll lose interest. Sex always sells. And if you're tying to bed the bitch, remember to
Have An Angle.

Don't just waltz in with a jumble of unorganized thoughts. Approach your review with something to tie them all together, a thread to keep your audience reading. And remember she'll never sleep with you if you don't
Treat Your Readers With Respect.

They're probably not as stupid as you think. And even if they are, don't let them know it. It makes them feel better about themselves and makes them far more agreeable. So if you're going to use big words, at least do it modesty. Also,
Stop Writing.

Unless you read. If you don't read, you don't write. Simple. For every review you write, read Gravity's Rainbow twice over. This will make you a better person. If you don't know Gravity's Rainbow, also stop writing.
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