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Last Active 12-17-20 10:03 pm
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12.26.20 Thank You All11.09.20 None of this can be real.
10.01.20 My Babies Are Emerging!09.11.20 SPUT ROYALE: Round 1 Group F
08.30.20 September 2020 Song of the Day 08.12.20 The Sixth Hundred Shows
07.27.20 These are a few of my favorite things 05.27.20 The Fifth Hundred Shows
05.20.20 Letterboxd.04.08.20 The Fourth Hundred Shows
03.30.20 Manic03.09.20 The Third Hundred Shows
01.13.20 Knights of the Old Republic07.31.19 The Second Hundred Shows
06.27.19 Got accepted to University03.03.19 New Year, New Ratings
02.19.19 The first hundred shows02.05.19 My Existential Crisis
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Thank You All

I just wanted to post an update that has been long overdue. I'm still struggling, just as hard as before. There are moments where my breath catches and the reality of everything comes flooding in. Usually when I get up away from a game or my laptop or some other distraction to get water or something. It will hit me and I have to brace myself in case the tears come again. There's days where nothing matters anymore, and a piece of me didn't come back when I left the funeral in Montana. But I am still here And I just wanted to thank you all.

Specifically I would like to thank everyone for either financial or emotional support. I am dealing with the thought of myself as a burden, and the novelty of all this pain wearing off on everyone. But the flood of support from everyone has kept me afloat. Potsy in particular... and everyone that donated even the smallest amount to the gofundme, it was surprising and I remember sobbing discovering it all.
That money came in handy when my engine failed in North Dakota and I needed to get a rental car to make it to Jules' funeral in Montana. I'm not good with words, but just know if you reached out to me in any way possible, it all meant the fucking world to me. I may not want to be alive anymore, but all your words have helped keep me here. Thank you.
2Dead to Me
I Wanna Die in Los Angeles

Ahh, danger! It's so exciting and damn if it ain't fun though
That is until there's a payphone at the psych ward that knows me by my first name
That is until there's a payphone at the psych ward that knows me by my first name now
Blood rush
Slow breath
The weight of things I can't control
I picked up my phone and called Augusta
She said that I'm too hard on myself
She said that things aren't so bad after all y'know?
She's right
Aching Anger and crushing boredom
It's no wonder there's a war
In my head that rages on
As I walk slowly through the store
Staring blankly, ugly vacant
Still at times I miss that life
In fleeting moments or in a romantic daydream
As I walk slowly through the store
3The Wonder Years
No Closer to Heaven

Cardinal crashed into my window, I think he might die
I'll plan him a funeral, I'll read his last rites
'Cause I know what he saw in that reflection of light
On the glass was a better life
Staring at a hole in your chest that's been dug there for decades
American broken promises
Caught between the lies you've been fed
And a war with your bloodstream
I should have been there when you needed a friend
I was off on my own again
Selfish and stupid
So if you call me back or let me in
I swear I'll never let you down again
I know the devil you've been fighting with
I swear I'll never let you down again
4Stuck Out Here
Until We're Each Someone Else

Meet me at the bar with the bar rail deals
For around 30 bucks we can forget ourselves
And after a few more rounds pretend we're each someone else
Like if you'll be my Gatsby, I'll be your Daisy
5Emma Ruth Rundle and Thou
May Our Chambers Be Full

Move your body from this place
Move your body to heaven
I can taste Elysian

A heart so hollow
Rise up from your skin
Skin like tallow
For life so thoughtless
For dreams no one believed
A helm of sorrow
Is finally sinking
6Modern Baseball
You’re Gonna Miss It All

I've got so much to do
But it's OK, 'cause "whatever, forever"
To hell with the spins, I'm staying
There's no good reason why I should leave your bed tomorrow

7Joyce Manor
Never Hungover Again

I want a heart tattoo
I want it to hurt really bad
That's how I'll know
I'll know it's real
A real tattoo

8The Menzingers
Hello Exile

You wake up shaking in the middle of the night
A voice from the past back looking for a fight
Seize your sorrow, breathe with me
The pause between is all we need
They say it hurts 'til it doesn't
You said "the future is unwritten, let the past stay in the past"
Bring the part of me you love back
9The Menzingers
After the Party

But I know somewhere in Chicago
Where we can stay for a little
I hope this isn't a burden
Thanks for having us over
Most nights we always fall asleep with
Something dumb on Netflix
Some nights trash reality
Or kids cartoons or shitty documentaries
Not perfect but we're good together
Yeah, me, you, and our bad tattoos
Yeah, all our stick and pokes, all our inside jokes
We'll regret 'em when we're dead and sober
But we're still breathing and the party ain't over

10Mannequin Pussy

I get along with everyone I meet
I'm so sweet

I'm in hell and I

Darling, you'll come back to me
I know you will
Oh, but darling, if you don't
How sad to see this go
11The Maine
Lovely Little Lonely

I lose my voice when I look at you
Can't make a noise though I'm trying to
Tell you all the right words
Waiting on the right words
Just another lovesick afternoon
Black butterflies and déjà vu
Hoping for the right words
Waiting for the right words


Last night, you told me that you're pregnant
My throat collapsed, I couldn't breathe
You said there's a little man inside you that looks a little bit like me
I should've gone to college and got some type of degree
'Cause now I got a second job and I work like sixty hours a week

And even though all we ever do is fight
I could feel a kicking in your stomach last night
Can't help but think that after all the things that I've done wrong
Maybe I did something right
13Mount Eerie
A Crow Looked At Me

I am a container of stories about you
And I bring you up repeatedly, uninvited to
Do the people around me want to keep hearing about my dead wife?
Or does the room go silent when I mention you?
Shining alive, I live with your absence
And it's been two months since you died
I'll speak to your absence and carry our stories around my whole life

Eyelid Movies

Wake up
You're gettin' high on your own supply
Oh, baby, you're still alive when you could've died, oh
The world is not around because of you
You know I'm not around because of you
You've got a mouthful of diamonds
And a pocketful of secrets

15Chris Bell
I Am The Cosmos

My feeling's always happening
Something I couldn't hide
I can't confide
Don't know what's going on inside
So every night I tell myself
I am the cosmos
I am the wind
But that don't get you back again
I'd really like to see you again
16Frank Watkinson
my life unplugged

So, got to get my act together somehow
Got to try my level best to carry on
Got to leave this empty house, and all those memories
Got to find it in me to be strong
But i miss you
I miss you
17Jeff Rosenstock

Staring out the window at your old apartment
Imagining the old you stumbling through tacky renovations
That the landlord wanted to cash in on the boom
And you don't know where to go now
You've got nowhere to go now
I wish you'd come down and meet me here
I'm gridlocked
I'm not going anywhere
I've had a bad year

18Free Throw
Those Days Are Gone

Daily dose of my own regret
An unset feelings that I won't forget
So I speak the truth and the empty things in bottle
With everything I have a diary but put into to a song
Everything I ever meant to say but always said it wrong
Every day I dialed your number, I just never made the call
It's like standing on the edge so I can contemplate the fall

The song that brought us together

Dear You

A near miss or a close call
I keep a room at the hospital
I scratch my accidents into the wall
I couldn't wait to breathe your breath
I cut in line, I bled to death
I got to you, there was nothing left
20Spanish Love Songs
Brave Faces Everyone

I know that life is long enough
Didn't think you'd speed it up
Feel selfish that we still want you alive
The memorial wasn't bad
Some people tried to understand
Thought you were complaining
But we weren't listening
21New Order

Every time I think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine, but it's a problem I find
Livin' a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of the fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes and it's what nobody knows
Well, every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say

In Rainbows

Now that you found it
It's gone
Now that you feel it
You don't
You've gone off the rails
So don't get any big ideas
23Sorority Noise
You're Not As ____ As You Think

And they're playing the '59 Sound in heaven
While the angels were drinking up gin an tonics
I'm not trying to tell you it's easy, I'm trying to tell you it's fine

Dear You

Sunken-eyed best friend of mine
Why do you sit so still, still shaking?
Superhero sapped of all powers
I'll kneel beside you, watch you for hours
There's an angel on you
Leaning down to kiss your cheek
Feathers floating on air
This is my prayer for you
Steps of stone, morning bright blue
Stick of flame, a candle winks at you
In the pew, head down, I'm crying
I think you have thoughts of dying
I'm eclipsing them now
Calling all allies down
I'm consumed by your eyes
Keep them open and full
It's raining in your room
Angel tears, bask sweet
Angel eyes on you
They love all that they see
Dewy palm, cemetery lawn
Walk alone in gardens of loss
You can't have a flower of stone
Never let this soil come between us
I'm asking you on a date
For the rest of your life
I'm asking you on a date
For the rest of your life
It's raining in your room
Angel tears, bask sweet
Angel eyes on you
They love all that they see
25Touche Amore
Stage Four

I was told you were half asleep
Told myself you would be proud of me
But it's not that easy
I tried to be your light
Did my best to shine
Nothing I do feels right
As I went out all the time
Somehow it's already been a year
You keep finding new ways to make yourself reappear
I hope you never leave me be
I haven't found the courage to listen to your last message to me

26Depeche Mode
Speak & Spell

Just like a rainbow
You know you set me free
And I just can't get enough
And I just can't get enough
You're like an angel and you give me your love
And I just can't seem to get enough of you

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