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09.11.20 SPUT ROYALE: Round 1 Group F08.30.20 September 2020 Song of the Day
08.12.20 The Sixth Hundred Shows07.27.20 These are a few of my favorite things
05.27.20 The Fifth Hundred Shows05.20.20 Letterboxd.
04.08.20 The Fourth Hundred Shows03.30.20 Manic
03.09.20 The Third Hundred Shows01.13.20 Knights of the Old Republic
07.31.19 The Second Hundred Shows06.27.19 Got accepted to University
03.03.19 New Year, New Ratings02.19.19 The first hundred shows
02.05.19 My Existential Crisis01.04.19 2500 ratings, 7 years. Fuck that shit.
10.23.18 What's up with the artist pictures?10.16.18 7 years!
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My Existential Crisis

This is me using Sputnik as a journal. I need to get my thoughts out on something, maybe to help myself. It has little to do with music but each of these albums have to do with a particular mood and feeling.
1The Gaslight Anthem
The '59 Sound

so, when I was 11 I had a hard time grasping the concept of Heaven, and Christianity in general. I was raised Catholic, and I tried hard to hold onto those beliefs, but the concept of the afterlife didn’t sit right. An eternity of “paradise” seemed to be an unsatisfactory answer to all these questions tumbling around in my head. Every single night I’d cry and beg for answers, my mother bought me a book that says “what happens when I go to heaven” even, and it just did not help. I took anxiety pills every day for a while after that, and I think that anxiety turned into depression through my high school years. I couldn’t talk to many people and my curiosity persisted into high school. The days where the thought of an afterlife drifted into my mind lasted only that day, I could get over it fairly easily, because whatever happens happens, right?
2Bad Religion
Bad Religion

I’ve become an agnostic from around age 17 and on, I realized that I just could not fall in line with Catholicism. I have strived to become a logical, science based thinker, as douchey as that seems. I was never exactly okay with the idea of non-existence, but I managed to accept it as a possibility, I thought I mostly got over this anxiety of death and the afterlife, but I seem to not be able to escape it.
3We Lost the Sea
Departure Songs

Nearly 2 months ago I was laying on the couch browsing reddit, when I read a simple comment: “Life is literally the longest thing you will ever experience”. For some reason it struck a chord with me and I kept thinking about that, at that moment I had a realization that I will die. Not just “we all die, that’s life”, but a horribly real realization of time and finality. This stupid comment that I have seen variations of many times before shook me to the core, and I found myself close to tears huddled on the couch trying to fall asleep so I didn’t have to endure the pain in my chest. When I woke up the thought immediately came back to me.
4David Bowie

For the next couple of weeks I would sit at home and try to fight off the thoughts by hanging out, or playing Dark Souls, or listening to music. But the thought was constantly in the back of my mind, no matter what I was doing. A heavy weight on my chest and my mind was slightly spinning, I fell into a heavy depression that I haven’t endured since I was in the hospital two years ago. The thought of my father dying was heavily present; the thought of me dying and dealing with the fact that there could very possibly be nothing on the Otherside dominated everything.
5Streetlight Manifesto
Everything Goes Numb

Nothing. There could be nothing. This has always scared me, but I managed to block those thoughts and live my life, but not now. I realize that it would be a peaceful non-experience, I realize that there’s nothing we can do about it and I shouldn’t worry, I realize that whatever happens happens, and I realize that I should just deal with it. But I am a selfish man, and I cannot deal with this thought. I remember very clearly driving home from class and driving down a hill, I realized that at this moment I could very easily die, and I could realize that everything I know would just be over and I wouldn’t know it. My body wouldn’t care that I died, because I couldn’t think, it would be like before I was born. This terrified me.
6Bruce Springsteen
Darkness on the Edge of Town

On December 30th my girlfriend was driving me home from the bar, and it all came out for the first real time. I said “I’m scared” and for the first time in what seems like a year I cried. I was sobbing uncontrollably, I just wanted things to be back to where they were just two weeks ago. I would have rather been depressed than deal with this anxiety. She told me that it wasn’t Nothing, and I wanted to believe her, but I didn’t know if I could, it was all so much to take in. I felt better letting it all out and hoped it would be the end of it. But it only got worse. After this moment I tried to confide in the people around me, who are mostly just spiritual rather than religious, and it was always crazy to me that they never really thought about it too much.
7Robbie Basho
Visions of The Country

Here is what I am comfortable with. I think there is a soul, and I think there is an afterlife. For the sake of convenience I’ll call it Heaven, but I do not believe it’s a Christian Heaven. I like to believe that when we die we can reconvene with the souls of the living that we had met in our previous lives. At this point we could either come back down to this universe to live another life time to gain a new experience, or we could stay in Heaven and be with the souls we met over various lifetimes, provided they decided to stay a while. If there is a God, he isn’t some man in the sky; he is more of an essence that surrounds everything. It created everything and let it be, its language is mathematics and is everything. It sounds crazy, but it’s something I am comfortable with this.
8Better Oblivion Community Center
Better Oblivion Community Center

Shit we could all just be in a time loop, reliving the same life over and over again for all eternity. Maybe it’s just a reincarnation thing where we live over and over until we reach an enlightened plane. Or maybe it’s an eternity of non-existence…. I don’t have the answers, and that is what kills me. What if this is all just my mind trying to calm itself?
9Albert Ayler
Spiritual Unity

The week before College started back up, Thursday January 10th, I texted my sister and ask if I could come see her, she was worried and told me to come over. This was the beginning to one of the worst weekends of my life. I needed to be around people to try and quell my thoughts, and to be able to express them. I explained to my mother, sister, and brother in law how I see life, death, and the afterlife. I explained to them what makes logical sense and that I am struggling with trying to conceptualize the afterlife—an impossible task.
10Frightened Rabbit
Painting of a Panic Attack

Friday I suffered a complete mental breakdown. I was on the verge of sleep while my brother in law played Destiny, and then like a switch I felt my head go completely dizzy. The thought of the inevitable death struck me again, but with the added realization that every single life is separate from mine, but just as lucid. Everyone has a life of experiences, and every single an entire life—an entire world—dies.
11Tom Waits
Rain Dogs

I went to my sisters room and I told her that I didn’t feel well and my world was spinning.
Have you ever been driving and you pass someone on the highway and you think “that person has an entire life I will never know” and you get that little head rush that is a little uncomfortable? What I experienced was similar to that. And eventual it transformed into what I can only describe as what a religious experience, I was laying on the bed and I could feel energy radiate off of my body, I could feel things not attached to my body; I did not feel connected to reality or my body. I realize it was a panic attack, but I felt like I could feel other people’s souls in the spaces in between. When I moved my head I felt like something was lagging behind and it hurt terribly.
12Rahsaan Roland Kirk
I Talk with the Spirits

In this moment I felt every single religion connecting to each other, I understood true nihilism, I understood that Nothing could very well be Heaven—after all it’s being free of want, isn’t it? I understood why religion existed, and it was because of this feeling, this enlightenment. It was horrible. I laid there babbling about how nihilism makes total sense, about how I felt all the religions connect through this feeling, and talking about the conservation of energy. I knew that I sounded like a crazy person; I knew I WAS a crazy person. The feeling subsided after a couple of hours, but I still felt that continuous head rush and realization of separate consciousness from my own.
13George Harrison
All Things Must Pass

Reflecting back on this experience is incredibly strange, I can barely get myself back into that headspace, or try to understand what I felt in that moment. I did some reading and I think it may have been an ego death, or something that monks meditate for. God knows why, I couldn’t image being in that state for a continuous amount of time.
14Thao And The Get Down Stay Down
A Man Alive

The next day I was brought to the mall for some fucking reason. I looked like a mess, and I did not handle it well; every person I passed I realized that they’re world is completely separate from my own and one day will just end. I passed a sign for a type of food, and I wondered if the inventor knows that their influence is felt today, and whether or not it mattered that they had this legacy. I was having another panic attack in the Mall of America, surrounded by thousands of people. And I tried to keep it together for an hour until I was sweating uncontrollably and found my brother in law so I could tell him that I couldn’t handle it. He brought my back to their house and I told my sister I couldn’t do it anymore, we then headed to the emergency room.
15The Twilight Sad
It Won/t Be Like This All the Time

This was the second time I have been in the ER for a mental illness, but it couldn’t be more opposite, I no longer wanted to die. The people I spoke too were kind of taken aback, as they don’t really have to deal with someone talking in depth about their thoughts on life itself. There was a male nurse I talked to and he was amazing, an older gentleman, his presence eased my mind and soul. I felt calmer. Maybe I felt calmer because I knew that this would soon be ending. They eventually let me go with a prescription for Lorazepam, an anxiety drug.
Can't Maintain

I knew that the reason I felt this way was because I strive for validation from others, I need to know the truth, it’s like a cycle, just this time it has been stuck on something bigger than love or bigger than how I look. No one could tell me what happens, so my mind kept on this cycle trying to figure it out logically. The thing about death is that it is not logical; logical would imply that it is comprehensible to human minds, but death is something a human will never understand. There is no understanding what happens when we die, there is not understanding what non-existence is like, there is no understanding what Heaven will be like, because a human has never experienced anything like it, it is unfathomable.
17Amigo the Devil
Everything Is Fine

Weeks later I still have some triggers that cause me to dwell on death, but I’m doing better. I have been put on some medication to try and help regulate my mood, and I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of school. I’m writing this now in the middle of a slight anxiety attack, and a desire to just log this event in my life. I came back from this a bit more spiritual than I have ever been. All the time passing by me still scares me, and makes me wonder if this physics career path is really worth it, if it’s all for nothing, but I am going to try to persevere. I need to experience all I can experience if not to enrich my soul and leave this Earth better than when I arrived.
18Iron Chic
You Can't Stay Here

Thank you all for reading and responding, it means a lot to me.
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