SPUT RETAKE: Apple Top 100
Almost everyone turned their nose up at the Apple Top 100 for mostly obvious reasons, but where is the real list. HUH? Where is the real nu-canon? How do you game a list like that correctly? Well, uh, lfg, not putting too much thought into this: just starting at 100 and powering through, not changing anything retrospectively (though will be brainstorming albums to throw in higher up the list as they occur to me). Methodology is 75% corporate cosplay/plebcanon pandering, 25% whatever the fuck. Let's go... |
| 100 |  | Taylor Swift
Red
100. Taylor Swift - Red
2012
Ex-country pop
Let's get this one out of the way asap. Og takes precedence, but this is one of the only picks where opting for the Taylor's Version doesn't make you look like a pandering stooge, man this list is going to be generous. |
| 99 |  | 100 Gecs
1000 gecs
99. 100 gecs - 1000 gecs
2019
Krank hyperpop
Generational edgecred |
| 98 |  | Willie Nelson
Red Headed Stranger
98. Willie Nelson - Red Headed Stranger
1975
Country
Generational oldworld pander to offset the last two entries, now count how many times the list mentions country again from hereon out! |
| 97 |  | Blondie
Parallel Lines
97. Blondie - Parallel Lines
1978
New wave / pop rock
Vanilla filler pick |
| 96 |  | The Flaming Lips
The Soft Bulletin
96. The Flaming Lips - The Soft Bulletin
1999
Psych pop
Snubbable critical darling, but here for a little early hipster credit that the rest of the list will inevitably sell out on |
| 95 |  | TWICE
Formula of Love: O+T=<3
95. TWICE - Formula of Love: O+T=3
2021
K-Pop
Korea pander |
| 94 |  | Frank Ocean
Blonde
94. Frank Ocean - Blonde
2016
R&B
Another one we're just gonna get out of the way asap |
| 93 |  | Billie Holiday
Lady In Satin
93. Billie Holiday - Lady in Satin
1958
Vocal Jazz
>approving nod from the entire readerbase
>none of them have heard this
>I haven't heard this (love her though!) |
| 92 |  | Madvillain
Madvillainy
92. Madvillain - Madvillainy
2004
Hip hop
Hip hop critical pander that will impress absolutely no one ("SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE TOP 50") even though it's secretly obvious that someone on the selection panel went out of their way to muscle this in over the objections of everyone else in the room ("I hear you man, there's just no arguing with Drake's numbers..."), look just be grateful this wasn't a Nujabes record |
| 91 |  | Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds
Tender Prey
91. Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds - Tender Prey
1988
Post punk fuck blues
Didn't mean to sequence Billie/Madvillain/this, three individually uncontroversial records, in the order most likely to make any self-respecting (ew) music history snob throw a fit, but that is the magic of canon |
| 90 |  | Nick Drake
Pink Moon
90. Nick Drake - Pink Moon
1972
Folk
Universally loved obvious pick to bring things down to earth |
| 89 |  | The Killers
Hot Fuss
89. The Killers - Hot Fuss
2004
Pop rock
...and having said that, in we go with the '00s radio pick most likely to make every critic in the house sigh and poptimist in the building launch into a "no not like that!" tantrum. Don't you worry, I can still hear the cheering from the back! |
| 88 |  | John Lee Hooker
It Serves You Right to Suffer
88. John Lee Hooker - It Serves You Right to Suffer
1966
Blues
Lists like this are traditionally way too short of soul to pull of more than a couple of token blues inclusions, so let's get this one out of the way here. Back-to-back placement with the Killers is exactly the what-even-is-this-bullshit whiplash a proper Objective GOAT 100 List (stupid idea) *should* be giving you. Should have put the Killers in front of it tbh, but no looking back! |
| 87 |  | Tyler, the Creator
IGOR
87. Tyler, the Creator - IGOR
2019
Neo-soul
aaaand we're back to greasing the wheels of the contemp canonwagon |
| 86 |  | Deafheaven
Sunbather
86. Deafheaven - Sunbather
2013
Blackened crescendogaze
This gives me absolutely no pleasure, but there was no way this list would be made with more than 1-2 token metal albums and not have this as a token inclusion (and don't you dare tempt me with the argument that no metal at all might have been preferable) |
| 85 |  | Lorde
Pure Heroine
85. Lorde - Pure Heroine
2013
Pop
One of the few things the Apple List got 100% right -- this was more groundbreaking, more influential, and imo will have a more enduring legacy than Melodrama (even if that was the perfect mainstream pop record for its time (a poisoned chalice, it turned out)). The groundwork it laid for the morose alt pop currently raking it in at the top of the commercial pyramid doesn't get enough appreciation, and its strongest songs are far more enduring statements and personality mappings than the ephemeral coming-of-age rush on Melodrama. It is also inconsistent and homogenous, and belongs absolutely not one spot above the bottom 20.
Also what's this deal with accidentally gravitating to certain years (2004, 2013, 2019) for this list? I didn't mean it, I swear! |
| 84 |  | Lady Gaga
The Fame Monster
84. Lady Gaga - The Fame Monster
2008
Pop
Alright, the Apple list was also kinda based for this. |
| 83 |  | Kanye West
Graduation
83. Kanye West - Graduation
2007
Hip hop
Another one we're just gonna get out of the way ASAP. This placement is entirely unmotivated by commercial pandering or tacit distance from the 10s->20s decline of the artist's platform, and I anticipate zero blowback for it haaaokay |
| 82 |  | Hikaru Utada
Deep River
82. Utada Hikaru - Deep River
2002
R&B / J-Pop
Japan pander (obviously I don't actually believe that the solution to the stifling Western focus on Apple's list and countless other is a demeaning one-album-per-country policy, all afforded miserly bottom-20 placement, but this list is is corporate cosplay and we're dishing out the absolute bare minimum to tick that box) |
| 81 |  | Faye Wong
Sing and Play
81. Faye Wong - 唱遊 (Chàngyóu)
1998
C-Pop / Downtempo / Dream Pop
...on which note, China pander -- and in this corporation, that's a full house for Asia. You had a good run. |
| 80 |  | Kool Keith
Sex Style
80. Kool Keith - Sex Style
1997
Hip hop
There are so many arguments why this doesn't belong on a list like this, and if you're sat there making any of them, you ain't deserve music. |
| 79 |  | Black Sabbath
Black Sabbath
79. Black Sabbath - Black Sabbath
1970
Heavy metal
Alright, I promised y'all more metal, now let's see how I can make as many people as possible happy with that promise in the most unimaginative way possible |
| 78 |  | Rage Against the Machine
Rage Against the Machine
78. Rage Against the Machine - Rage Against the Machine
1992
Funk metal
...and just to reinforce how little any monocultural critical body cares for metal purism, here's Rage (a tbqh based inclusion in the Apple list) one place above Sabbath. Don't look at me -- if I were pandering to *you*, I'd have Master of Reality in the top 50 with no questions asked |
| 77 |  | Fela Kuti
Zombie
77. Fela Kuti - Zombie
1977
Afrobeat
There's no way this would appear on a real list in any position that didn't make everyone happy to see it scream that it should be far higher, so here you fucking go... |
| 76 |  | My Chemical Romance
The Black Parade
76. My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade
2006
Alternative Rock
...and on a real list, a legendary record like Zombie would be followed by a hideously sequenced populist record like this, but in this case it is a based pick and you will all have to deal with it. |
| 75 |  | Herbie Hancock
Empyrean Isles
75. Herbie Hancock - Empyrean Isles
1964
Jazz
One thing *everyone* can agree on is that the Apple list had a brutal shortage of jazz. Addressing this as uncontroversially as possible was a leading concern here are Well_corp, but picking a lowest placement record from classic bop/cool/spiritual jazz that was a) universally loved and recognisable, but also b) just a slight cut below the other obvious classics we'll get to soon was a tough ask. Empyrean Isles covers all bases, straddling the ballparks of Ah I Get It and Did That Need To Be Here? just enough to show that our commitment to jazz is, uh, real and not at all calculated. Yes. Good album. |
| 74 |  | The Velvet Underground
The Velvet Underground & Nico
74. The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground & Nico
1967
Proto-punk
So when I said that the M.O. for this list wasn't 100% corporate cosplay, what I really meant was that I needed precisely enough leeway to dump TVU+N at an insultingly low placement, follow it with at least two insultingly mismatched albums, and get the lizardman mask back on before anyone had a chance to complain. Had to hold my nose almost as much as Sunbather on this one. |
| 73 |  | Grimes
Art Angels
73. Grimes - Art Angels
2015
Dork pop
Elon Musk pander late-stage capitalist moment |
| 72 |  | Azealia Banks
Broke With Expensive Taste
72. Azealia Banks - Broke With Expensive Taste
2014
Hip hop
...and then a desperate clawback because damn does a good corporate music exec know how to play both sides |
| 71 |  | Sigur Ros
( )
71. Sigur Ros - ( )
2002
Post-rock
Iceland pander |
| 70 |  | Aretha Franklin
I Never Loved A Man The Way I Love You
70. Aretha Franklin - I Never Loved A Man The Way I Love You
1967
Soul
Cold consensus take to restore some measure of sanity to this portion of the list |
| 69 |  | Curtis Mayfield
Superfly
69. Curtis Mayfield - Superfly
1972
Funk
...and suddenly everyone is nodding along happily again |
| 68 |  | The Notorious B.I.G.
Ready to Die
68. The Notorious B.I.G. - Ready to Die
1994
Hip hop
Haven't had a cold take classic hip hop record in a hot minute, so here's another pander |
| 67 |  | Portishead
Dummy
67. Portishead - Dummy
1994
Trip-hop
No explanation needed for this one. Dummy being high enough up that it could conceivably have made the top half of the list (where it belongs), but being low enough to rub in that it very much did not get there feels about right for an Apple tribute |
| 66 |  | Isaac Hayes
Hot Buttered Soul
66. Isaac Hayes - Hot Buttered Soul
1969
Soul
This is one that no one asked for, no one deserved, and literally no one is going to complain about |
| 65 |  | Sufjan Stevens
Illinois
65. Sufjan Stevens - Illinois
2005
Indie folk
A fairly token pick, and one that I'm surprised (though not super disappointed) to see Apple snub. Stepping out of the cosplay for a moment, I know how much *this* site would yell at me for missing it, so here you fucking go. A List Like This would probably have it from anything to 20 places higher to 20 places lower |
| 64 |  | Aphex Twin
Selected Ambient Works 85-92
64. Aphex Twin - Selected Ambient Works 85-92
1993
IDM / ambient
Somewhat token and not nearly my pick for best Aphex, but this list is about making NERDS feel SEEN. Just be grateful it doesn't have an Autechre album here instead |
| 63 |  | Bjork
Homogenic
63. Bjork - Homogenic
1997
Art pop
Sure, the albums either side might be better in their respective ways, but this is the most comprehensive and (probably) accessible showcase of everything that Bjork used to be outstanding at -- and as much as I'd roll my eyes if someone said this, she is one of those artists that a list like this *has* to have if it's going to be worth a damn outside of pop bait (and I think the Apple list had that aspiration?) Just a little annoyed I forgot to place it in front of whatever Kate Bush record ends up showing up. Is this placement a snub? Lol fuck yourself |
| 62 |  | Neil Young
After the Gold Rush
62. Neil Young - After the Gold Rush
1970
Folk
Gonna slip in another mandatory inclusion that I currently have zero personal opinion on right about heeeere |
| 61 |  | The Prodigy
The Fat of the Land
61. The Prodigy - The Fat of the Land
1997
Breaks
The establishment of the last decade seems to have lost the vim it would have needed to uphold the Prodigy once the 90s zeitgeist had fully faded away, or to defend them without getting tongue-tied over misogyny apologism that (in this case) literally no one else in the world gave a toss about. This corporation thinks otherwise! |
| 60 |  | Sex Pistols
Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols
60. Sex Pistols - Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols
1977
Punk
Here for the same stupid reasons as The Fat of the Land, with far less owed to quality of bangers and far more to stupid postulation. This is a Top 100 list. |
| 59 |  | Nas
Illmatic
59. Nas - Illmatic
1994
Hip hop
Calculated damage control for anyone who turned their nose up at the last two picks but wants to pretend they have an edge |
| 58 |  | Stan Getz and Joao Gilberto
Getz/Gilberto
58. Stan Getz and Joao Gilberto - Getz/Gilberto
1964
Jazz / bossa nova
The vast legacy, influence and absolutely universal palatability (there's not an event in the world you can't host with this on) of this record are gonna be, uh, vastly offset by the fact that it's the only attempt this naff American moneylist will make at a Brazil pander |
| 57 |  | Led Zeppelin
Led Zeppelin IV
57. Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin IV
1971
Hard rock
About as low as I can get this one while ticking the box on it without making it look too much like a pointed backhand. Let 'er down gently, team. |
| 56 |  | Metallica
Master of Puppets
56. Metallica - Master of Puppets
1986
Thrash metal
a) I think this record genuinely does deserve to make any list of this kind at approximately this placement,
b) I am very aware that a list like this would 100% have it as its highest-ranked metal album,
c) I have a feeling there are 1 or maybe 2 metal albums left to rank here, but
d) I have no idea what the shit they are right now. Stay posted. m/? |
| 55 |  | Massive Attack
Mezzanine
55. Massive Attack - Mezzanine
1998
Trip-hop
This feels like approx the right placement for a soulless pander list vaguely trying to do the right thing (which is also why it's ahead of Dummy - this one's paranoia and sleaze trumps that one's soul ten times out of ten on a board like this) |
| 54 |  | King Crimson
In the Court of the Crimson King
54. King Crimson - In the Court of the Crimson King
1969
Prog rock
One of the more grievous omissions from the Apple list. You cannot pander to the rock canon (however slightly) and not include this |
| 53 |  | A Tribe Called Quest
The Low End Theory
53. A Tribe Called Quest - The Low End Theory
1991
Hip hop
Of all the hip hop panders on the list, this is probably the one I feel worst about not having heard tbh. Will address this soon. |
| 52 |  | Pixies
Doolittle
52. Pixies - Doolittle
1989
Indie rock
If you swipe one 90s scuzzy alternative/indie darling with enough legacy, influence, gloss, hooks and ongoing beloved kool kid points, it's, uh this one. This one right here from 1989. Fuck that half-baked Surfer Rosa bullshit (which ironically I think would be more likely to end up on a real version of this list) -- sometimes the palatable option is actually the correct choice. |
| 51 |  | Death
Scream Bloody Gore
51. Death - Scream Bloody Gore
1987
Death metal
The sole trv-ish metal album of the list, and, uh, yes it's 50% only here because it started an entire genre that still exists [s]in mostly zombie form[/s] (is what I told the panel!) and 50% here as a direct pander, but the REAL main reason is the made the cut is to reinforce that this corporation will always follow the money no matter what. And so, without further ado, I present to you the 50th best album of all time...: |
| 50 |  | Linkin Park
Hybrid Theory
50. Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory
2000
Nu-metal
Uh yes Linkin Park is the final and highest-placed metal band on this list. We are all coping and thriving. YES this would have been substantially lower on the list had it occurred to me earlier, but it did not. Tell me that isn't providence. |
| 49 |  | Beyonce
Lemonade
49. Beyonce - Lemonade
2016
Pop / R&B / hip hop
Made it to the top 50, time to tick Beyonce off the list |
| 48 |  | Miles Davis
Kind of Blue
48. Miles Davis - Kind of Blue
1959
Jazz
and if Linkin Park/Beyonce/Miles Davis doesn't underscore what a stupid fucking enterprise this is, I can do no more |
| 47 |  | The Jimi Hendrix Experience
Electric Ladyland
47. The Jimi Hendrix Experience - Electric Ladyland
1968
Blues rock / psych
Quick moment of (incredibly drugged-up) sobriety, before... |
| 46 |  | Carly Rae Jepsen
Emotion
46. Carly Rae Jepsen - Emotion
2015
Pop
Uh yes, so the Apple list pandered hard to LDR-school poptimism and this list is pandering hard to CRJ-school poptimism. I am sorry, and yes I *will* hold your hand while you cope. |
| 45 |  | Charli XCX
Charli
45. Charli XCX - Charli
2019
Pop
There. Let's get all that stupid shit out of our system here and now. |
| 44 |  | Justin Timberlake
The 20/20 Experience
44. Justin Timberlake - The 20/20 Experience
2013
R&B / Pop
And don't let me hear another word about forgetting to pander to y'all poptimist trash |
| 43 |  | Janet Jackson
Rhythm Nation 1814
43. Janet Jackson - Rhythm Nation 1814
1989
R&B / Pop
Would personally have gone with Janet or maybe The Velvet Rope over this and put it a fair distance higher, but then I remembered that the American canon still has a stick up its arse about Janet Jackson and best-of lists (she must be on all of them and near the top of none of them -- who can complain then?!), for reasons I cannot recall. The fact that this is one place above Justin Timberlake is absolutely zero reflection of this. |
| 42 |  | The Cure
Disintegration
42. The Cure - Disintegration
1989
Gothic rock
Obligatory inclusion for (mostly) the right reasons |
| 41 |  | Depeche Mode
Violator
41. Depeche Mode - Violator
1990
Synthpop
[2] ain't no one gonna object to this. |
| 40 |  | OutKast
ATLiens
40. OutKast - ATLiens
1996
Hip hop
Would personally have put this several places higher, but this would be BIASED and FALSE and, uh, the panel have decided that this is exactly where OutKast belong. Just don't give me any of that bullshit Aquemini-is-better chitchat. |
| 39 |  | The Beach Boys
Pet Sounds
39. The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
1966
Pop
Getting this out the way as soon as we hit the 40s might look cynical and dismissive, but (uh) it is exactly the same as dropping Beyonce as soon as we hit the 50s, or putting Led Zeppelin wherever the fuck they were. Depreciate that shit. |
| 38 |  | Green Day
American Idiot
38. Green Day - American Idiot
2004
Pop punk
Now *here's* an album that needs no introduction. Should probably have been an either/or between this and the Black Parade, and yet and yet |
| 37 |  | Elliott Smith
Either/Or
37. Elliott Smith - Either/Or
1997
Indie folk
Utterly essential irreplaceable artist. Thank fuck that the last blurb accidentally reminded me that this existed. |
| 36 |  | PJ Harvey
Let England Shake
36. PJ Harvey - Let England Shake
2011
Singer/songwriter
This should have been about 50 places lower and I uh forgot about it, but here we are PJ is present you are all happy this is nobody's genuine favourite album of hers I am happy |
| 35 |  | John Coltrane
Blue Train
35. John Coltrane - Blue Train
1958
Jazz
In this corporation, we have no spiritual instincts but do love tap tap tapping along to that bop. Bye bye ALS |
| 34 |  | Fugazi
Repeater
34. Fugazi - Repeater
1990
Post-hardcore
Most iconic album artwork + most obvious legacy pick (really tells you all you need to know about how earnest this one is over the rest of the Fugazi discog lol). That makes two punk albums - think we have space for one more, and yes you already know what it's going to be. |
| 33 |  | Underworld
dubnobasswithmyheadman
33. Underworld - dubnobasswithmyheadman
1993
Techno
Also ranked this way too high by mistake, but in this case I am NOT sorry |
| 32 |  | Brian Eno
Ambient 1: Music For Airports
32. Brian Eno - Ambient 1: Music For Airports
1978
Ambient / new age
This, on the other hand, is exactly where it deserves to be (if not higher). Should be considered a mandatory inclusion for any list of this kind. |
| 31 |  | The Stooges
Fun House
31. The Stooges - Fun House
1969
Proto-punk
Now *this* is the only classic proto-punk record we should be talking about |
| 30 |  | Parannoul
To See the Next Part of the Dream
30. Parannoul - To See the Next Part of the Dream
2021
Emo / shoegaze
For reference here, the Apple list had Billie Eilish's debut in the #30 slot, and given that there was no way in hell I was restoring that album here, this was the only thing I felt similarly obnoxious about prematurely raising a million miles its station to give the illusion that Well_corp was in touch with its target audience. You are all Parannoul fans -- all of you! -- whether or not you know it, dratted e-zoomers! Take this stupid internet album and run!
Or, preferably, complain loudly and aggressively, as is your right (and then some). Jfc. |
| 29 |  | Cocteau Twins
Heaven or Las Vegas
29. Cocteau Twins - Heaven or Las Vegas
1990
Ethereal wave
Here half out of merit and half to cement that, no we will not be featuring any *real* shoegaze records on this list sorry not sorry (this hurts me more than it hurts you most likely). |
| 28 |  | Kate Bush
The Kick Inside
28. Kate Busk - The Kick Inside
1978
Art pop
While this is realistically going to be the perfect placement for Kate Bush as far as most readers are concerned, this particular corporation is salty that it accidentally put her too high and has decided to deal with this by deliberately featuring the wrong album. Fuck Stranger Things! |
| 27 |  | Sparks
Kimono My House
27. Sparks - Kimono My House
1974
Art pop / glam rock
This is probably significantly too high, but it belongs on this list somewhere, and that somewhere more specifically is directly above Kate Bush |
| 26 |  | Death Grips
The Money Store
26. Death Grips - The Money Store
2012
Experimental hip hop
Trust me I am more annoyed about this one than you are |
| 25 |  | Ornette Coleman
The Shape of Jazz to Come
25. Ornette Coleman - The Shape of Jazz to Come
1959
Jazz
Did I fuckin stutter |
| 24 |  | Fiona Apple
When the Pawn...
24. Fiona Apple - When the Pawn...
1999
Art pop
Realistically, any of Idler Wheel/Bolt Cutters/Tidal would be more likely to be up here on a real life corporate atrocity-list, but that is exactly why this cosplay and the best of the lot is getting hooved up to the top. There it shall stay! |
| 23 |  | Otis Redding
Otis Blue: Otis Redding Sings Soul
23. Otis Redding - Otis Blue: Otis Redding Sings Soul
1965
Soul
At this point, the list has started to feel a little too easy, a little too freely drawn from the Well_back pocket, so this is the point where I reach for a neglected classic of which I had no knowledge whatsoever until 5 minutes ago in the hope of being able to bluff my way into competence and catching you all off guard (and fwiw this does vibe). Lfg. |
| 22 |  | Radiohead
OK Computer
22. Radiohead - OK Computer
1997
Alternative rock
If #22 is low enough to seem like a snub, then, well, don't that tell you everything need to know about the stupid fucking discourse around this stupid smart stupid band. This is exactly where OK Computer belongs -- and it *is* the Radiohead album that belongs here - none of their other stuff has the same intimate relationship with its zeitgeist, and its inclusion on all future lists of this kind is going to seem more token the more obvious this becomes. Could I possibly include a second Radiohead album in order to prove that including the *band* is not a token act even if this album is totemic? Fuck will I lol |
| 21 |  | The Who
Who's Next
21. The Who - Who's Next
1971
Hard rock
While not quite Eagles-tier, The Who are an annoyingly mandatory part of lists like these and there ain't no way to reinforce how dubiously their grip on the canon has aged than dumping them one place above Radiohead for bait. I was going to put T. Rex - Electric Warrior in at some point, but we've had too many rock albums for the time being. Fuck the Who. |
| 20 |  | Boards of Canada
Music Has the Right to Children
20. Boards of Canada - Music Has the Right to Children
1998
IDM / Downtempo
This should have occurred to me earlier and been in a position that didn't make as strong a statement (would swap it for The Money Store in a heartbeat if I were adjusting this retrospectively), *but* we got there and that is what matters. Should be a mandatory inclusion. |
| 19 |  | Public Enemy
It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back
19. Public Enemy - It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back
1988
Hip hop
We are uncontroversially cooking now |
| 18 |  | Ariana Grande
Dangerous Woman
18. Ariana Grande - Dangerous Woman
2016
Pop
Every list like this needs at least one table-flipping shiteating horrorstory 'they did WHAT' bungled zeitgeist pandering moment somewhat near the top of the tree, and I have decided that Dangerous Woman is going to be exactly that for this one, but more likeable |
| 17 |  | William Basinski
The Disintegration Loops I
17. William Basinski - The Disintegration Loops I
2002
Ambient
...and needless to say, any excitement garnered from slot #18 must immediately be squandered on the most eyeroll-inducing "totally get why it's here but literally no one asked or cares for this shit" snooze of a choice imaginable. Next. |
| 16 |  | Bob Dylan
The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan
16. Bob Dylan - The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan
1963
Folk
This may not be the Bob Dylan that ever gets picked for these, but it *is* your chance to duke it out over what might go in its place. I don't care lol, this is the Bob slot. There is always a Bob slot. |
| 15 |  | Bob Marley and The Wailers
Exodus
15. Bob Marley and The Wailers - Exodus
1977
Reggae
FUCK I nearly forgot Bob Marley. He is here. Here is is. Wow, phew. Jamaica pander. |
| 14 |  | Leonard Cohen
Songs of Love and Hate
14. Leonard Cohen - Songs of Love and Hate
1971
Folk
Really gunning down the folk GOATs on that pre-top 10 final stretch |
| 13 |  | Bruce Springsteen
Born in the U.S.A.
13. Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run
1984
Rock
Shit the bed, nearly forgot Bruce too - we're not nearly removed enough from this list-concept being an All American Canon at its heart to snub him (which I wouldn't want to do anyway), but we can deliberately put his frat jams here ahead of something more deserving in the hope that our readerbase feels more self-conscious and a little bit uglier about the scheme at play here (though for all I know, half of them would prefer this -- who cares, Well_corp wins every time!) |
| 12 |  | Arctic Monkeys
Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not
12. Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not
2006
Indie
Originally reached for a 2010s Arctic Monkeys album having realised that the last few entries have drifted too far from the recency bias this list is morally obliged to uphold, but somewhere along the way the sentiment became much more Fuck The Strokes And 2000s New York Landfill -- *this* is the only 21st Century landfill indie record we are going to endorse here, and because it's otherwise such a forgettable/uncontroversial inclusion, it's going to be dumped offensively high up just because. HUH. |
| 11 |  | Joni Mitchell
Blue
11. Joni Mitchell - Blue
1971
Folk
Well obviously. There must always be a Joni Mitchell album on the list, and it must be this one, and it must be in the top 20% but not the top 10 -- I don't make the rules, but in this case I do agree that they are correct |
| 10 |  | Pink Floyd
The Dark Side of the Moon
10. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
1973
Progressive rock
Should have checked this one off a little earlier, but fwiw it was so instrumental to fleshing out the album format as an artform and not an inconvenience that I don't mind seeing it here. Fuck the Beatles and their poxy efforts at doing the same (yes they are higher, your boi needs to get paid) |
| 9 |  | David Bowie
The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars
9. David Bowie - The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars
1972
Rock
A bit higher than I'd originally intended to include Bowie, but tbh I kinda don't mind putting Floyd in the top 10 specifically for their mastery of the album-length arc and then accidentally implying that Bowie did it better, one year earlier. Whoops -- he didn't (this is a better album on a song-for-song basis though), but he *did* supplement his sequencing and development-of-concept drawbacks with grand narrative and shiny theatrical ideas, and if those aren't weren't the qualties that triumph every single time, then, well, Well_corp would never have commissioned this stupid list to begin with. Yeet.
Side-note: I forgot about the Clash, but there's no fucking way I'm shoehorning them into the top 10 to make up for this. Sorry boys. Blame it on Death Grips -- London Calling was due a high placement. |
| 8 |  | Wu-Tang Clan
Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)
8. Wu-Tang Clan - Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)
1993
Hip hop
Yes this was held in reserve to make everyone feel good about the culture for the right reasons, yes this is a corporate pander, yes this is both probably correct and deeply cynical, yes you should definitely feel worse about yourselves. Everyone loses a little bit, Well_corp wins big. |
| 7 |  | Charles Mingus
The Black Saint and the Sinner Lady
7. Charles Mingus - The Black Saint and the Sinner Lady
1963
Jazz
You know exactly why this is here, and you *should* know how unforgivable it should be to soullessly throw Coltrane and Davis onto a list as token jazz picks and then omit Mingus (thanks Apple). Considered cope-picking this as my top 1, but this seemed a little deja vu and maybe a little thick with the Online Music pheromones, but it is very much due this high on its own terms. |
| 6 |  | The Beatles
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
6. The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
1967
Psychedelic pop
Look, I am a fucking sellout. This record is full of bullshit, wears its conceptual trimmings like the superficial fluff they are, is easily in the bottom half of the Beatles discog for me, and is far more valuable as 60s cultural paraphernalia than an enduringly worthwhile album-record-music.
The problem is that the game is rigged! The precedent of past lists has long dictated that if you nominate one of the Beatles albums that actually belongs here (Revolver, Magical Mystery Tour, or maybe even Rubber Soul), it must be followed almost immediately by a bloated souvenir-record like this or the White Album to remind your hungry waste of a readerbase that yes, you remember how sales work and know which album made it onto the most teatowls -- and there is absolutely no way in hell I'm giving the Fab Four multiple slots on a list where I forgot the Clash and haven't filled 8 of the top 10 slots with Seiko Oomori records. Very much not sorry.
Abbey Road is the traditional easy way out, but while it is a far superior record to this, it also barely qualifies as an 'album' -- shit's a last-ditch compilation of highlight tracks that its gang of increasingly mutually polarised songwriters had written either for other albums that didn't have room for them, or straight-up off-the-cuff. The band were barely a band at that point, and the medley is more of a heroic effort on the part of poor ol George Martin to salvage their B-reel than a smart take on the form. It is full enough of great tracks to get away with it, but it has never and will never be a cohesive listen, and putting that shit in, say, the top 3 of your list is an insult to the album format. It's also on too many T-shirts.
Sgt Peppers is our token Beatles pick, and it comes with as many layers of salt, bad blood and self-loathing as you can throw at it. Or us.
I also have no idea what to do with three of the upcoming five slots. Fuck. |
| 5 |  | D'Angelo
Voodoo
5. D'Angelo - Voodoo
2000
Neo-soul
Ngl I'm proud of this one. Yes, this placement is a result of forgetting about D'Angelo until the last minute, yes, I haven't heard anything he made pre-Black Messiah (which itself is a record I'd be more than happy to throw in somewhere near the end), but if I saw this this high on someone else's list, I would nut my nut. Will finally download this soonish. It is bloody long. It will be worth it. |
| 4 |  | Beth Gibbons
Lives Outgrown
4. Beth Gibbons - Lives Outgrown
2024
(Ghost?) Folk
You see a hysterically premature clown act, I see a jittery realisation that the vast majority of the top-10 has been pre-21st Century and a desperate attempt to remedy this by laying down that recency bias so hard that the list doesn't just seem on top of things, it's actually *ahead of the game*. Catch up with your canon yo! Wish I'd had a chance to include this before it was actually released. Can't wait to hear it lol. |
| 3 |  | Kendrick Lamar
To Pimp a Butterfly
3. Kendrick Lamar - To Pimp a Butterfly
2015
Hip hop
Yes this had to happen, yes you saw it coming, no GKMC is not better (though I'm due a rerun), no this placement is not entirely token even though everything at this point of the list is 99% token. Far as the records that wears shoes like this one go, we could have done far worse for last decade's zeitgeist-definer. Don't mind the pandering, you've learned to read lists like this without reading its placement as an insult to lower-placed hip hop classics you'd rather be listening to. |
| 2 |  | Stevie Wonder
Songs in the Key of Life
2. Stevie Wonder - Songs in the Key of Life
1976
Soul
Shit damn the #2 slot was harder than I expected, Stevie full on saved me there thank fuck. Was originally going to go with Innervisions, but this high up we simply cannot afford not to pander.
Also smdh I forgot Marvin Gaye sorry sorry sorry (fwiw I feel there is enough soul on this list for this to get as close to forgivable as it ever could be)
I also procrastinated and then forgot about Michael Jackson, which is just too unfortunate not to be funny. Thriller's a cool record, but it's no Lives Outgrown apparently
...oh shit, and Prince too. This is what happens when you save artists for the top 20, delete your notes by mistake, and then fixate on a bunch of evil pandas in the interim period. I feel much less bad about accidental passing over Purple Rain than Thriller or What's Going On tbh, but it could have been a good pander :[
and also Talking Heads. RIP. |
| 1 |  | Sade
Love Deluxe
1. Sade - Love Deluxe
1992
Soul / Downtempo
Although the top 10 must *almost* entirely be unsurprising, the title of Best Album Ever Made can only ever be awarded to a record that a) vaguely deserves it, but b) hasn't received quite enough acclaim in the past/has fallen out of discourse/has recently been reappraised or showcased enduring popularity beyond what its initial legacy has said for itself/seems like it has more to say for itself in a way that critical discourse failed to do justice to. If the album you choose isn't at least most of these things, your entire list sucks and is a waste of time and you deserve to go bust.
So, uh, here is the single record on the list I would be happiest to see at the top of someone else's and also the one I feel worst about not having heard. Pander to YOURSELF, stooges! |
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