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03.25.13 Samshine's Guide To Spring 03.19.13 Never A Good Idea
01.15.13 The 5 Girlfriends Society Wants You To 08.24.12 Samshine's Top 15 Digs Of Summer 2012
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The 5 Girlfriends Society Wants You To Be

1Frank Ocean
Channel Orange

1. The Doesnt Know Shes Beautiful Girlfriend --
The theory behind this girl, immortalized in the One Direction song, is that she is
absolutely gorgeous (makeup and hair styling-free, of course, because she is also
the epitome of ~natural beauty~) without being aware of it in the slightest.
Because being aware that she is attractive, or being generally confident in her
looks, is the secret ingredient to turning even the most tolerable girl into a raving
harpy, the Doesn?t Know Girlfriend remains blissfully ignorant. She is the Taylor
Swift of aesthetic appeal, always slack-jawed and utterly shocked at the positive
attention she receives. It is for the Good Guy Boyfriend to remind her at regular
intervals that she is so much more appealing than all of those other wenches who
spackle on the foundation with a rusty putty knife, and it is for her to laugh naively
and forget all about it.
2Kendrick Lamar
good kid, m.A.A.d city

2. The One of the Guys Girlfriend --
This girl drinks beer, JUST LIKE A DUDE. She enjoys watching sports, JUST LIKE A
DUDE. She plays video games, JUST LIKE A DUDE. Of course, because she is a
woman, she remains perfectly attractive and physically feminine while carrying out
said activities, as a woman who actually displays traces of deeper masculinity is
gRoCe! (Umm, hello, they?re not trying to date a lesbian! #eww) She participates in
these manly activities ? and supports all of her boyfriend?s friends unequivocally,
regardless of behavior ? because she ?gets it? and is down to just be ?one of the
guys.? Bear in mind, though, that should her interest in any of these activities be
questioned, she is liable to be labeled a ?gamer girl? or ?geek girl? who is doing this
for attention because she has nothing better to do with her time than seek the
approval of greasy manchildren. If this fate befalls her, she will have brought it on
herself. Shouldn?t have been such a fake bitch.
3Pink Floyd
The Dark Side of the Moon

3. The Chill As Hell Girlfriend --
This girlfriend doesn?t care if you wanna go to a strip club on a weekly basis! She
doesn?t care if you don?t call her back within 48 hours! She doesn?t care if you show
up when you say you?re going to! She doesn?t care if you are flirting with other
women in front of her! She?s chill, man, she?s not like all of those other uptight
bitches with ?personal standards? or ?reasonable expectations of another human
being.? She?s not here to get all in your face about minor shit like meeting her family
after two years or being honest with her. She?s got better things to do, such as
laugh at your jokes.
Departure Songs

4. The Betty Crocker Girlfriend --
The ability to cook and clean and really take care of the house has been
plummeting amongst females since, wow, forever. It?s really refreshing to see a
girlfriend like this, one who is dedicated to providing a perfect domestic
environment for her boyfriend. She is the true wifey material, not like all of those
other hoes who eat ramen noodles and let forks chill in their sink, unwashed, for
days at a time. She is the future mother of your well-fed children. Her ability to
keep things right on the home front should be the cause for endless mockery of her
peers who cannot achieve the same, as it universally falls on the woman to run a
home, and any woman who cannot fulfill her destiny may as well just resign herself
to a life of cats and vibrators. #duh
Koi No Yokan

5. The Lady In The Streets, Freak In The Sheets Girlfriend --
Do you want a girl who is going to acquiesce to all of your more depraved sexual
demands? Do you want someone who is as discreet as she is smoking hot? Do you
want her to wear nothing but demure skirt suits with classy La Perla lingerie
underneath, revealing her onion-like layers of increasingly sexual femininity? Well
then this is the girl for you! She is here to fulfill all of your fantasies, all while
remaining perfectly silent about said sexuality when in public. She doesn?t talk to
friends about her sex life, she doesn?t make blue jokes, she doesn?t have an open
attitude towards the subject when in mixed company ? she is a lady. She has the
Madonna/Whore dichotomy down to a finely-tuned science, and she is here to
charm your parents at dinner whilst giving you a zesty handy under the table.
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