TheAnalyzer
User

Reviews 1
Approval 100%

Album Ratings 24
Objectivity 45%

Last Active 11-19-10 4:40 pm
Joined 11-19-10

Review Comments 106

 Lists
11.01.11 Sputnik Profiles: Irving12.20.10 Sputnik Profiles: Nagrarok
12.18.10 Sputnik Profiles: Willie/jethro 4212.17.10 Sputnik Profiles: Sea/satellite
12.16.10 Sputnik Profiles: Michael Jordan12.15.10 The Analyzer Goes Public
12.14.10 Sputnik Profiles: Special Double Editio12.14.10 Sputnik Profiles: Qwe3
12.10.10 Sputnik Profiles: Emim12.09.10 Sputnik Profiles: Jesuslaves
12.06.10 Sputnik Profiles: Inveigh12.03.10 Sputnik Profiles: Andcas
11.30.10 Sputnik Profiles: Intothepit11.29.10 Sputnik Profiles: Redskyformiles
11.24.10 Sputnik Profiles: Ballstothewall11.23.10 Sputnik Profiles: Returntorock
11.19.10 Sputnik Profiles: Winsomniac11.19.10 Sputnik Profiles: Kill

Sputnik Profiles: Jesuslaves

With apologies for the break in action, today The Analyzer will be profiling controversial Sputniker Jesuslaves. He's been begging for it, so The Analyzer obliged.
1Slayer
Hell Awaits

Strengths: Thrashin hard. User Jesuslaves is known as Sputniks resident thrash guy. Thrash has consumed at least 50 percent of his pie chart for as long as The Analyzers been analyzing. While he is not Sputniks strongest writer, he is at least above average and has written 15 reviews (all thrash albums, of course). Jesuslaves also tends to bring a different perspective when it comes to opinions on, well, thrash as his first review for Sputnik was a 3.5 star write-up on the infamous St. Anger. For some reason he also likes Anthraxs State of Euphoria and Slayers World Painted Blood (he is likely a masochist), but there is a lot to be said for not following the hive-minded Sputnik masses. Jesuslaves is a consistent lister, and is a generally amicable guy at least to a select number of users who share his love for all things thrash metal.
2Dark Angel
Darkness Descends

Weaknesses: Generally being a total dickhead to any user who dares disagree with his unorthodox views on music (i.e. thrash). Anyone who has spent time in a Pantera, Metallica, Megadeth or Slayer thread will know that Jesuslaves is prone to blunt statements of his opinion on another users intelligence. Even when everyone in a thread is telling him that Phil Anselmo was not a scene kid, he just re-doses on the caffeine kick and yells until people stop arguing with him, and then acts like the sensible party. A shame really, because when he is not mainlining 5 Hour Energy straight into his jugular he actually can articulate some intriguing reasoning behind his odd collection of thrash favorites. The definition of what some may call a Masshole, Jesuslaves also vehemently defends his Boston sports heroes to death, claiming superior knowledge of sport when really he is essentially just a homer, like a poor man's Inveigh. See any NBA-related thread for examples of those two having a Celtics-Bulls penis measuring contest.
3Overkill
The Years Of Decay

Posting Tendencies: Gon thrash hard,will be thrashin later, shut up moron, thrashed earlier this morning, thrashin so fucking hard right now, gonna thrash over at a friends later.
4Destruction
Inventor of Evil

Famous For: Being Sputniks thrash guy, thrashing with KILL, hating Pantera/Phil Anselmo, having unique opinions, getting really pissed off when someone spells his name Jesusslaves, getting really pissed off when the user Emim calls him "Jesus Washes," being a Massachusetts homer.
5Motorhead
Ace of Spades

Overall Sputnik Score: 7.1. While Jesuslaves does have the ability to be a tremendous asshat at any given moment, he is a consistent lister and occasional reviewer who brings a different viewpoint to Sputnik on a very specific subject-matter. He needs to improve his social skills, and has room to grow as a writer, but user Jesuslaves overall provides value and a bit of intrigue to the site (the metal section, at least).
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