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Guide To Hip-hop For Newbs/white People

So you're white and/or a hip-hop newb and you want to get into the genre. You've proclaimed "country plus rap equals crap" all your life (hell you even bought the shirt at Hot Topic) but now you've had a change of heart because you've seen how many elite sputnik users jam hip-hop. Well, you've come to the right place my friend, here's my guide
1Limp Bizkit
Significant Other

Level 1: pre-hop: RATM, Korn, Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit Faith No More, Bloodhound
Gang / instrumental : DJ Shadow, J Dilla, Nujabes
2J Dilla

This step has two sectors, which you probably only need one or the other. For
music nubs, I would recommend rap rock. It's mostly shit, but hey it'll get you used
to rapping at least. For more seasoned tastes, I would recommend instrumental hip
hop and trip hop, as you're sure to appreciate the musicianship.
3Beastie Boys
Licensed To Ill

Level 2: White rappers: Beastie Boys and Eminem, Fresh Prince, Run DMC, Aesop
Rock, Atmosphere Drake
Take Care

Now that you're more used to the music of hip hop, and some of the rapping, we
delve into white rappers. If you're not into hip hop at all, you're probably white, so
white rappers are a good starting point as they usually rap about white people
problems that you're sure to relate to. Beastie Boys are prime, because a lot of
their music is rock oriented, they don't have very complicated flow, and they rap
about weird white people shit.
5A Tribe Called Quest
The Low End Theory

Level 3: Dipping them toes: Tribe Called Quest, Outkast, Kanye West, De La Soul,
Public Enemy, Mos Def, Gang Starr, Kendrick Lamar
6Kanye West
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Know that you know every word to Kill You, and Brass Monkey, it's time to dip your
toes into blacker, meaner hip hop. Conscious rap is great for white people because
they love to pretend they're real smart and know about issues and shit. Also you
should be able to get down to some nice jazz based hip hop beats, oh yeah snap
your fingers and clap your hands to that 4/4 beat, I know you can do it whitey!
7Deltron 3030
Deltron 3030

Level 4: Alt hip-hop: Madvillain, Deltron 3030, The Roots, Cunninlynguists,
Common, MF Doom, Odd Future
8Tyler The Creator

White folks are fuckin weird, just like alt hip hop. Blaze up that weed you got from
the kid with divorced parents in your suburb, I know you got it! It's time to get
down to some weirder shit. You can pretend you're a really hip stoner while
listening to Madvillain and Deltron and be all like "lol did he just rap about a jetpack
hehe so high OFWGKTA"
9Snoop Dogg

Level 5: Bridging the gap to gansta rap: Wu-Tang Clan, N.W.A., Biggie, Snoop
Dogg, Goodie Mobb, Dr. Dre, Clipse
10Wu-Tang Clan
Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)

OK so now you're used to listening to black dudes rapping, but now you must get
into black people problems. A lot of white folks can't get into gansta rap at first cuz
they have no fucking frame of reference when it comes to life in the hood and the
police being on your ass and shit. But don't worry, your training so far should
enable you to find your way. Start off with some Snoop Doggy Dogg, oh he's so
silly, you barely feel afraid of him, even when he's rapping about guns! Next try
some Wu-Tang Clan, they're music is great for parties. Get all your pasty white
chick friends to come over to your mom's house this weekend for a nice hip hop
party. I know she left the liquor cabinet open so feel free to treat your hoes to
some Seagram's oooo eeee bitches love that shit.

Level 6: Reining in the classics: Nas, Eric B and Rakim, Mobb Deep
12Eric B and Rakim
Paid In Full

All right so know you've gotten a taste for hood life, and you're almost out of the
woods. Just get some more classic shit, you're probably elite enough to understand
Nas and Rakim's complex flow at this point, so give it a shot!
13Death Grips
The Money Store

Level 7: Diversify, be elite: Proclaim Big L whenever Pac or Biggie are mentioned.
Shabazz Palaces, Lil B.(ironically) Alt hop elitism: Cannibal Ox, El-P, Digable
Planets, Quasimoto, Dr. Octagon, Death Grips
The Unseen

All right so know you've heard all the classics, now it's time to throw all that shit out
the window. Only newbs listen to popular and classic albums. You need to listen to
some obscure shit. Listen to some hipster shit too, like Death Grips. If your friend
starts talking about how awesome College Dropout and Dark Twisted Fantasy are,
call him a pleb and tell him Yeezus is the only Kanye album worth listening to.
Whenever Pac or Biggie get mentioned, call everyone in the room a fucking newb
and ask them if they've even heard Big L, that'll show them. Start listening to Lil B
ironically, laugh at how dumb his music as and lament at how shitty mainstream
shit hop is, wow you're so rebellious and controversial.
15Lil B
Based Jam

Level 8: Listen to Lib B unironically
16Lil B
God's Father

OK so you've heard it all, what's next? Listen exclusively to Lil B, and enjoy his
music without a hint of irony. This is the highest level of elitism. Wow you've done
it, I'm so proud. Now go my son, and major in business at your local state school
and grow ironic facial hair and get all the hipster bitches.
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