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Treb's Declassified Sputnikmusic Survival Guide

Hey are you a new user, or maybe a lurker ready to join the site? Well listen the fuck up because I'm going to be dropping knowledge on your ass. This list will also explain how to go from a mid tier user to a top tier user, and also how to avoid dropping a couple ranks (andcas) so everybody listen up
1Bomb The Music Industry!

Part 1, Lurker: So you're thinking about making an account on sputnik. You've
probably heard about the site from wiki pages for albums or something like that
and you thought "Hey, this looks like it's for me." Well you're wrong, sputnik will
eat most people alive, but hey give it a shot. Time to pick a username, do not
fucking put numbers on the end, this isn't AOL in 1998, also try to avoid a stupid
fucking name revolved around bands or something like that (metallicopeth) It's
almost impossible to gain respect with a stupid fucking name like that (besides
metallicopeth, he rules)
2Bomb The Music Industry!

Part 2, Rating albums: OK so you've rated all your favorite albums and they suck
for sure. Most people have shit taste when they first join, and the whole point of
joining the site is to get good taste, so don't rate how you feel at first cuz you're
taste is shit. Love Slipknot and want to 5 their discography? Conform to the
average rating instead. Does Symbolic by Death do nothing for you? Give it a 4.
3Bomb The Music Industry!

Part 3, To comment or not to comment: OK so my fucking advice is to not
comment for like 4 months after you join. Why do this? Well people hate change
and you're a new user and everyone will hate you. You don't know how many users
make a shitty fucking list on their first day about how Sum 41 changed their life
and how that guy who reviewed their latest piece of shit is a big fucking asshole.
Your goal is to blend in without drawing too much attention. Don't post for a few
months, then start posting really conservatively. Try not to say something
controversial or stupid or say things like "what's an alt?" or "I already took my
meds today thank you" You will be crucified.
4Bomb The Music Industry!
Goodbye Cool World

Part 4: Gaining some attention: OK so you waited 4 months to post, and then
posted around 20 comments a day for a couple months, now you're ready to make
yourself present. Start getting into conversations with other users, you will likely
understand all the lingo and who all the major users are by now. Act like you
belong, this is key. Higher up users will wonder who you are, but probably
recognize your username since you've been posting a bit lately. They will then
check your join date and notice you've been around for a few months and thus will
not destroy you for being a new pleb. They'll also notice you gave Death a 4 and
Slipnot a 3 and they will be impressed.
5 Bomb The Music Industry!
To Leave and Die in Long Island

Part 5, start to evolve your taste: It's OK to listen to post-hardcore, but not as your
main genre I mean get some fucking taste. Make a list asking for recs in a genre
related to a genre you like i.e. "rec me punk or post-punk" if you like post-
hardcore, or "rec me death metal" if you like shitty metalcore or whatever. Pretty
soon your ears will stop betraying you and start to enjoy this elite shit.
6Bomb The Music Industry!
Get Warmer

Part 6, Start reviewing: Post count is one thing, but writing quality reviews is a
great way to get noticed and get respect. Your first 5 or so reviews will be utter dog
shit, so I would suggest posting them at like 2 am on a saturday on like a holiday
or something so no one will see them and you won't get any "lol slipnot 5 gtfo" or
"this has enough reviews dickhead" If you would like constructive criticism, directly
contact a staff member or contributor via shoutbox and they will help you
7Bomb The Music Industry!
Album Minus Band

Part 7, Branch out: People who tend to stick to like 2 genres tend to suck hard, so
branch the fuck out. Yes I know you often said "country plus rap equals crap" with
your shitty fucking friends in like 8th grade, but it's time to grow the fuck up and
knock that shit off my word. Go to the hip hop charts and get some white people
approved shit like Beastie Boys, Tribe Called Quest, and Wu-Tang Clan and pretty
soon you'll be blasting that shit in your car and rolling up the windows when you
drive past people of color.
8Streetlight Manifesto
Keasbey Nights

Part 8, Take shit in stride: Ok so a lot of users will give you shit once you're a
somebody, this is usually a way of saying you're an all right guy. If someone gives
you shit jokingly and you respond super serious and get on your period and get
really pissed you'll lose their respect big time and they might never let you forget
that shit. Always stand your ground, but never take anything too seriously, this is a
music forum site for fuck's sake.
9Streetlight Manifesto
Everything Goes Numb

Part 9, Read a fucking book for once: Try not to say stuff that is incorrect about
bands because you will look really stupid. Don't go on about how Green Day saved
punk rock and Lil Wayne founded rap in 2004.
10Streetlight Manifesto
Somewhere In The Between

Part 10, This is not facebook: Do not talk about yourself or say completely
irrelevant stuff all the time. "Sometimes my cat likes to watch TV with me" is not an
appropriate comment in a Mars Volta thread. Most people couldn't give less of a
shit about your personal life. Some might, and that's what shoutbox is for
11Strapping Young Lad

Part 11, The art of list making: Try to make your lists about music at first, the
forums are form other stuff you know. And try not to be funny because you're not.
Only one per day too yeah.
12Strapping Young Lad

Part 12, Honing your reviewing craft: OK so you've got between 5-10 terrible
fucking abominations of reviews by now, and you want to finally write a sentence
that isn't complete shite that disgraces your entire family. Try reading as many
staff reviews as you can. Start to read like a writer, think about how they wrote it
and what methods they used and why. At least half of writing is revision, I know
your first 3 reviews were track by tracks that you wrote off the top of your head,
but you can't do that shit if you want to be taken seriously.
13Devin Townsend

Part 13, Assert dominance: By now you probably have around 5000-10000
comments and like 20 reviews, it's time to start shitting on new users and acting
like a big shot. You've only been on the site for a little over a year, but since you
didn't post for 4 months it looks like you've been on for like a year and a half which
is acceptable. Stick with users that seem to know what they're doing and try not to
defend users that take lots of shit.
14Bloc Party

Part 14, Try and get promoted: Hey mister bigshot you got like 30 reviews.
Congratufuckinglations, at least half of them aren't awful. Start reviewing lots of
new releases and ask for features and try to really get noticed. Then apply the next
time there's an application.
15Bloc Party
Silent Alarm

Part 15, Move beyond sputnik: Ok so you've had some good times, but it's time to
move on. Try to evolve your real life to the point that you don't have time or the
urge to post on this fucking site anymore. Most of the greats do this and become
legends that make new users shit their pants. This is the ultimate goal.
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