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|This House is a fuCKING NIGHTMARE|
Post-midnight food escapades at my house, the complications that follow, and digs.
From the Gallery of Sleep
So, I hadn't eaten much all day because I just do that sometimes (like a lot), so I made myself some wings, and that went off smoothly without a hitch. Got a new wing sauce for my birthday from my girlfriend's parents and wanted to try it out and it's so fucking good. If you're into wings, pick up Solomon's Spicy Wing Sauce. Really good. Ate seven wings and put on some Friday Night Lights.
|2||Have a Nice Life|
Next food item went off mostly without a hitch as well. I was still hungry after my wings, so I decided to make myself some Kraft Triple Chees Macaroni and Cheese. (SIDENOTE: for those who bag on Kraft Mac and Cheese, go fuck yourself. The homemade "real" mac and cheese genuinely tastes like vaguely cheese flavored anteater semen and noodles made from whale scrotum that was boiled at 100 degrees Fahrenheit in Lake Eerie. And that's the better kinds that I've had. So yeah, keep that gross ass shit to yourself and I'll stick to my superior Kraft that takes four minutes instead of four hours). After it was done and the flavoring powder was added, I decided to add a little extra milk for that prime creaminess. Sadly, we didn't have the whole milk that I was expecting because I forgot that my 7 year old brother made the executive decision of the household that we would no longer be drinking whole milk because it's "too unhealthy", despite that being what he's drank for most of his life.
The kid is genuinely underweight and basically needs to be force fed to regularly eat. Whole milk is one of the ways we keep any sort of weight gain consistently on him, so I have no idea why my mom decided to switch. Irrationally irritating smaller siblings aside, 2% would do pretty much just fine, nit picky at that point. The Mac was tasty and I continued on with my show.
Shortly after that though, I had a bit of a sweet tooth craving, and with a glass of recently poured, unfinished milk that accompanied my now finished mac and cheese, I thought that some Oreo's would do swimmingly. The minor hitch ups continue and the package of Oreo's is nowhere to be found. I searched through the cubbard for some time before I came to the conclusion that my fat ass had already finished them.
Tomorrow Is Nearly Yesterday...
Disgruntled but not yet discouraged, I moved on to my next favorite treat, honey. Yes, straight fucking honey. My mom calls my Pooh due to this (it may also be due to the fact that I am a shithead, but I choose to believe the prior of these two options). There was a bottle that was nearly finished that I was snacking on the other night with some very nice crystallization and solidification going on at the bottom that is just MONEY. I went searching for it, and again, came up empty handed in pantry spelunking. I felt defeated, refusing to settle for the leftover cake and pie from earlier today, as I do not like cake and already had pie. However, in my pantry foraging, I came across some Sriracha ketchup that sparked a new hunger in me: the midnight hotdog. I challenge you to name a better time for a hotdog than at a time like this; morale is down from a lack of desired sweets and it's past midnight. No better time.
This is where the story reaches its climax and I, my breaking point. I go to the fridge to find myself a package of hotdogs so that I may extract one to microwave. I easily find a package, but when I go to look for buns, t h e r e a r e n o n e t o b e f o u n d. Not a singular bun. It's not like this package was near empty and we just ran out at an inopportune time, no, not at all. There were at least 12 perfectly good, uneaten hotdogs in there. Where the plot really thickens is that in my searching, I found not one, but two more packages of hotdogs with 10 or so hotdogs in each. So let's put this in perspective: we have a fridge filled with 30~ hotdogs, a n d n o t a s i n g l e b u n. What has this household come to? I really don't have any idea how such a travesty could have occurred.
Songs About Leaving
I have two slight ideas. one possibility is that we recently cleaned out the fridge and maybe when that was happening, the hotdog buns were thrown away without much inspection for some reason. That theory doesn't really make sense because we've ordered hotdogs since then and usually when you buy hotdogs, you buys buns with them as well and obviously, there are no FUCKING BUNS. My other theory is that my mom's ex-boyfriend is coming over and stealing them. That sounds crazy, but I've forgotten to lock the door a couple nights and he's done similar shit (i.e. cutting the cord to my gaming headphones because he thought that my brother (His son. We got different dads, long story) was playing too much video games). I will be confronting my mother about this on the morning. Anyways, how's everyone else's night? Anyone have similar experiences? Thoughts? Prayers? Solutions?
|UPDATE: I have conceded and used regular bread. I am officially a heathen.|
|When shall I awake? Hopefully in time for the Bears to shitstomp the Cards.|
|Storm In A Teacup|
|oh my god i have a jumbo egg roll to cook i just realized!!! fuck yeah!|
|Shit list. Get a job you fucking piece of shit and contribute to the food supply of the house or better yet move out of the nest like a normal person and be poor like the rest of us.|
|most of the music in the list about matches the excitement of the story.. still, i hope morgan freeman plays the jar of honey when this invariably gets made into a biopic..|
|stop eating so much, lol.|
no wonder your bro scared of food so much, u mofo a fat PoS
he fear he'll turn out like his fat PoS older brother lmao
|"Shit list. Get a job you fucking piece of shit and contribute to the food supply of the house or better yet move out of the nest like a normal person and be poor like the rest of us."|
|"hot sauce for a birthday gift is TRAGIC"|
Still better than t-shirts and socks.
|thank you for blessing my morning|
|make your own fucking mac and cheese you degenerate and stop buying that fake shit|
|just reading that made me feel sick|
|Some things need to be clarified: 1. I just turned 19 and do have a job. Took a semester off to save up some extra money for college and will be leaving soon. 2. I eat at night, so no one sees and I'm actually underweight as well lmao. 3. I love hot sauce, so it was actually a great present.|
|thanks for updating us|
|also non-fat milk is worse for you than whole milk. the fat in whole milk actually slows down the rate at which you process the milk sugars, thus helping to avoid insulin reactions. because nonfat has none of the fat it is processed very quickly and as sugar so you are spiking your insulin every time you drink nonfat milk. nonfat milk will make you fatter / more unhealthy than whole milk. ppl don't know shit about health|
|low fat milk never felt right to me |
|non fat milk is disgusting ya|
|just go semi-skimmed|
|Thanks for the tip hal1ax|
|"UPDATE: I have conceded and used regular bread. I am officially a heathen."|
you say this like the bunnings snag somehow isnt a widespread delicacy