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Last Active 01-24-23 12:43 am
Joined 11-04-15

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01.22.23 What's Your WORST Review? 12.01.22 Pie Charts 2022
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What's Your WORST Review?

After finishing my "review" of Mac DeMarco's Five Easy Hot Dogs, I got to thinking. Over the years, I've written some absolute dogshit. And I'm sure others feel the same way about their writing too. And self-reflection is healthy and necessary for improvement (or something). So, here's the score: comment your worst review. Not the worst review you've read; YOUR worst review. Comments posting others' reviews will be ignored and the users will be mocked for not following directions. And post a write-up about why it's your worst, for funsies. Be a storyteller and make it fun, if you can.
1Flower Travellin Band


After quickly looking through my old reviews, I've decided on this word vomit to be my entry. Kind of a bummer that it's a relatively recent review of mine, but them's the breaks. So, the only reason I wrote this was that the flagged review was deleted and replaced with placeholder text that said "This review is being re-written and will be uploaded again May 23rd. I apologize for the inconvenience." And then it was never re-written. So, because I'm stupid, I decided it would be funny to write a review for the album and post it on May 23rd.

I went into it ready to write a glowing review for an album I really liked. But re-listening to the album in preparation, I didn't like it as much as I remembered. But I still had an (imaginary) obligation to fill, so I wrote the review anyway.

And it fucking sucked.

I could've (and probably should've) just scrapped it, but nope. It's still there, in all its bitter glory. I didn't think it was possible to write a negative 4/5 review, but I managed it.
Yellow and Green


I'm dissatisfied with a majority of my reviews to one degree or another, but I think I have to give worst to my Baroness - Yellow and Green review from last year; I was stressed as hell and pulled in a million different directions when I wrote it and I think the review reflects that, clinches the title of worst for coming at a point in my reviewing career where I think I really could have done a whole lot better.

Dishonorable mention for my first review because 5ing Pantera is a dicey kickoff to a career as a music critic by any measure
3Earth Crisis

Storm In A Teacup

My first review in idk prolly 15 years and where I was looking for advice on what to do in a Covid crisis and I just rambled and the closest I came to any kind of clarity was the quote “whatever, people didn't even know what kind of music they liked in the 2000s anyway”
4Norma Jean
O' God, the Aftermath


totally cringe for me
Norma Jean, and i have some serious bad takes on that one
5Banks Arcade
Future Lovers


Very early review. I didn’t really know what I was doing at all and feel like I rated it way too high. It wasn’t necessarily badly written just all over the place and confused. I feel like I’ve gotten better though…
6Fucked Up
Dose Your Dreams


Probably my review for Dose Your Dreams by Fucked Up. I can't pinpoint one thing that I don't like, but it's just not that pleasant to read. It might have to do with the fact that my English is clunky no matter how long I edit my write-ups.
About U


I absolutely hate that review. The album deserved better.


probably Muzz's s/t album for me. it reads now like a pretentious college student's creative writing class mid-semester writing. unnecessarily big words and turns of phrase here and there, while barely getting the point across. bleh. not that the album deserves any better, but for my sake, it ain't good. and if i ever get to a point where i have a few hundred reviews here, i'll probably delete this one
9Kayo Dot
Moss Grew on the Swords and Plowshares Alike


A few candidates here, but gotta go with this one (ignoring everything I did pre-contrib bc this is cheating). Tough album to write about for sure, but I feel I missed the (huge) atmosphere of the whole thing and had a really screwy focus from point to point - spent too long hyping the album generally and critiquing it hyperspecifically, not long enough fleshing out substantiated praise, and and just too fuckin long being overly long as a whole. Sputnik always needs more fellatio revs for Kayo Dot but not like this
10Dream Theater


Probably my review for Dream Theater - Awake. I was gushing over it at the time but I couldn't put words together to actually critique it yet, so I wrote a concept tbt review with an inferred story of how the band members were recording the album based on the song's lyrical content. But even then I could have done it so much better, as it doesn't really tell a story at all, and the review itself is really just a disjointed mix of easy jabs, jokes too stupid to even be considered dad-tier, references that only DT fans would get, and an oft used Sputnik meme.
11Deathmoth Necromachine
Grim Void


I bullshitted this review as much as possible for the sake of lols. It worked, but consequently is a terrible review.
12Melanie Martinez
Cry Baby


i'll go for my first one on the site the melanie martinez one because it's pretty sloppy and the other really sloppy one (the robert miles one) is basically more of a tribute to the artist than a formal review of the album
13Pet The Preacher
The Cave and The Sunlight


In my case its pretty clear i would say.
Home Alone


probably my third: Totorro's Home Alone. Everything from the awkward fumbled 'coffee' simile to the vague descriptors and formulaic structure s u c k s.
Of Rot And Ruin


I wrote one and people were like

pls don't do that again

so I gave them what they wanted
16Emmylou Harris
Wrecking Ball


My run of Emmylou Harris reviews was supposed to have Wrecking Ball be the high point and what ended up coming out managed to be pretty pretentious while also saying nothing that wasn't said better in the other review.
Cancer Culture


Mine is definitely Cancer Culture by Decapitated. I just don't think that I worded my opinions on it very well. It reads really awkwardly to me, basically.
18Breaking Benjamin


It might be a bit unfair to put literally my second review ever on here, but I'm sticking to it. Back in the early days of reviewing, I was super compartmentalized with my reviewing, choosing only to focus on specific things in each section of my review... which severely damaged the flow of my writing. I think what really makes me hate this review is just how wrong I was lol. I'm not saying it was written super poorly, but my statements on the record are so far removed from my actual opinions today. Basically, if you read this review, just reverse about every opinion-like sentence I wrote, that reflects my thoughts on it today.
19Versus My Phobia
The Journey


I certainly don't hold any of my reviews to any high standards since I half ass wrote them in highschool and never strived for any improvement
and this one certainly doesnt help lol

(I actually ended up talking to the guy that made this album a couple years back who found this review and he thought it was hilarious, so theres that at least)
20Cherri Bomb

Get Low

My worst one is probably my Cherri Bomb - Stark review, because I talked too much about the context and aftermath of the EP and not enough about the music itself.
Supreme Degradation


in recent memory its ossuary - supreme degradation. i tried to build on an experience i had visiting an actual ossuary in the czech republic but failed to actually tie it in to the review. far too much overly flowery descriptions of stuff that didnt need it too. we take the L and move on
22Taylor Swift


My T-Swift midnights review is god awful
23A Ritual Sea
A Ritual Sea


anyway, not including stuff i wrote pre-contrib i rly dislike this one... bc it's just the most autopiloted gaze review ever: i love short reviews but this one has no substance whatsoever and short bois need substance to survive so yea fuck this one


My first review, I was 14 and a freshman in high school. It's a pretty average track-by-track, and I tried pretending it wasn't my old band for some reason when I clearly was involved in the project. How the hell would I know about some of these minor obscure details? I think I was pretty proud to have released a feature lengthed LP as a 4th grader and wanted the world to know of my creative genius. Look where it got me.
25cyberbully mom club
outdoor activities


pre-contrib: probably this one. a bunch of my earlier reviews were very … idk, developmental.
this is one of many where I try to explain the “essence” of why the album is good, but I was v rough with it. it’s a nothingburger review
26Lee McKinney
Infinite Mind


I suppose that Lee McKinney one is the most shit of my shitty reviews
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