hal1ax: yung clean | Sputnikmusic

MyShadow 12.07.17	congrats man, got no experience of that shit thanks to bein straight x edge for a while but glad u got on track n sorted ur sen out also 13 is amazin sach sent me it yday
hal1ax 12.08.17	Ya he sent it to me too lol. Kirb is the man
StarlessCore 12.08.17	do u still do other drugs im addicted to weed!
Toad 12.08.17	i go between gaming too much and drinking too much. rn im pretty balanced though. congrats on staying strong man, a lot of difficult days barrelled through i imagine.
Conmaniac 12.08.17	super proud of ya my dude
Nazzadan 12.08.17	Dope, congrats on 2 hopefully great years.
Ryus 12.08.17	whew no small feat man, congratulations
StallionMang 12.08.17	you should be proud man that shit aint nothin to fuck with, must take a ton of strength and determination to overcome that kind of thing
hal1ax 12.08.17	thx bros.
hal1ax 12.08.17	suh u have good taste what can i say
adr 12.08.17	better on heroin than fat
adr 12.08.17	- Mark Twain
hal1ax 12.08.17	similar to ian mckay
hal1ax 12.08.17	lol
hal1ax 12.08.17	his music helped get me into mit
Dedes 12.08.17	Hal you rock dude, proud of you.
hal1ax 12.08.17	💋
DarkTyler 12.08.17	Hey Hal
ArsMoriendi 12.08.17	Well that's good, power to you hal.
Orb 12.08.17	Props bud. That's a tough one to kick. If I were you I'd be proud as fuck for climbing out.
Orb 12.08.17	"glockenspiel refrain" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-K802u75Oc
hal1ax 12.08.17	lol hi tyler / ilu2 alice :D and ye thx ars / evo. ya it will prob be the hardest thing i ever do. relapsed over 50 times lol. wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy
Futures 12.08.17	good job dad
hal1ax 12.08.17	thank u my dear boy
Risodo 12.08.17	Nice to read this mate. In January will make three years that I do not use ecstasy (and derivatives). This year was complicated and I presented some kind of vulnerability regarding some drugs, being willing to even use cocaine and heavier things (I never did). But what has been relieving me even is the music and recently the long runs that I do in my gym.
Rowan5215 12.08.17	super respect hal. takes a lot of strength and resilience. power to you man
hal1ax 12.08.17	@ risodo - yea man exercise and music helps me a lot too. good for u tho on the clean time @ row - thx sweety pie
ImmortalPaper 12.08.17	first of all, i'm very proud of you man. it's been 8 months since my last use. it has been feeling like it's getting harder every day, though, honestly. i have pretty bad manic so it really plays into my struggles. i've gotten good at identifying when im going up and coming down, which helps a lot, but it's those crashes that get me the worst. right now i'm on my way down and i'm feeling lower than ever, my anxiety is through the roof and im trying desperately not to jump to conclusions about things and prepare myself for the worst, but frankly it feels like heroin is the only thing that truly fixed me (i know it didn't, but i'm sure you understand the sentiment). i eat a lot of kratom now to try to stifle cravings and bite the down episodes in the ass as best as possible, but right now is one of those times that it's just fucking rough. choking back emotions and trying not to convince myself using would make it all go away. i'm glad i happened to see this list, though, so i could ask if you have any advice for me? it feels like i'm trapped in hell and i know going back to that life would only keep me here in the worst of ways but you know the mentality. it feels almost like the only solution.
hal1ax 12.08.17	damn man. yea i can try. first, do u have bipolar ?
hal1ax 12.08.17	congrats on the 8 months but sorry you're feeling that way. it's the absolute worst
Lord(e)Po)))ts 12.08.17	love you dude
hal1ax 12.08.17	@pots ilu2
Asdfp277 12.08.17	congrats dude!
ImmortalPaper 12.08.17	assuming we're both of the understanding that manic depression.bipolar are one and the same, yes, i do. i've had little to no luck with prescribed medications though. i sometimes wonder if i was misdiagnosed and am more in line with treatment resistant MDD but id rather not self diagnose, not to mention i recognize the manic episodes pretty clearly. thank you though. i take a lot of pride in my clean time because it took me years to get to this point, but times like this mak me question just how much i do care about it since i feel like throwing it away in a heartbeat in the heat of moments
hal1ax 12.08.17	tyty i like u guyz
hal1ax 12.08.17	@immortal - na man it took me like 7-8 years lol. like 19-27 basically. and you can still care and have those destructive urges. drug addiction is very visceral and it never really leaves you. even when you're clean and your life is going well you're going to sometimes encounter triggers / stressors and your brain is going to immediately lean toward wanting to use. i mean the brain is enormously adaptive, and since it's experienced how well drugs (seemingly) deal with the stressors of life, it will always want to go back - so experiencing a bit of cognitive dissonance is nothing to feel guilty about. and hmm, you said you mainly crave when? when your mania is tapering off and you're eking toward depression? you have tried SSRI? several of them? i know meds aren't the answer / solution but SSRI's are a really good temporary tool to use while you get your mental faculties in order. they basically put your affect in a container, so you aren't able to fall too low (i.e. when u feel like u want to use). so maybe that's something to consider. also have u thought about getting off of the kratom? how much of it do u take and how often?
Asdfp277 12.08.17	seconded
ImmortalPaper 12.08.17	thanks for explaining that, i mean i understood that to a degree, but in that context it does make me feel better about feeling this way. yeah, that's when my cravings get the worst. and it's exceptionally bad when there's some distressing event coinciding with the move into depression, which is probably a given (lol) but worth mentioning. i've tried several SSRIs as well as a couple SNRIs over the years; i.e. Paxil, Prozac, Cymbalta, Zoloft, Citalopram (can't remember the pharmaceutical name) as well as Lithium, but to little to no avail. There's still a lot of citalopram and cymbalta laying around here;would it be worth trying to use those temporarily? i eat kratom near daily, with only day or two long breaks every week or so. I don't eat huge amounts, usually no more than 7 grams in a day. i'm a little scared to cut it out though, only because it helps immensely with the cravings when they get REALLY bad and i'm a little fearful of how i'd react if i didn't have it to turn to if I got froggy.
hal1ax 12.08.17	7g or less a day is minuscule tbh, you should be ok on it, but i would consider stopping or at least weening down at some point in the future, maybe once you get your cravings tamed down a bit. damn, so you've done all of the SSRI's it seems. umm, i mean i wouldn't recommend taking what's lying around the house if it was ineffectual in the past. plus SSRI's take a good 2 weeks to fully conform and start altering your biochemstry so if you're struggling right now, all an SSRI would do right now is maybe have a placebo effect (not after u read this tho sry lol). and i assume when u say they didn't work u waited a good 2-4 weeks before making that determination? the lithium didn't work either? it didn't even curb your mania? that is super odd man... lithium always attenuates manic episodes... i wonder if you have a more perennial form of bipolar. how is your diet? do you exercise? if you're not going to go the med route, you'll have to go natural, and to do that you typically need to be able to acknowledge and be aware of maladaptive habits and lifestyles. i'm sure your thinking / perception is a bit askew as well, especially when you can feel the onset of depression rolling in. cognitive behavioral therapy could most likely help you there. i'm not sure your financial situation but it's the absolute best for treating depression / anxiety / substance dependence.
hal1ax 12.08.17	damn my mans... that;s a lot :[ tell papa what's wrong
ImmortalPaper 12.08.17	i'll remember that about the kratom. i know it can, eventually, become a dependence, so i try to be careful. when i tried all of these i gave them at least a month if not two before deciding i wasn't getting the desired results. some of them, namely prozac and citalopram, admittedly DID curb the symptoms, but (ALL of them caused what i'm about to describe) the way they made me feel left me feeling extremely self-loathing and like i wasn't the person i should be, which would lead into, i guess for lack of a better phrase, a separate depression. paxil did this to me the worst. lithium, strangely enough, made me feel almost like i was perpetually manic. i experienced very little issues of depression but i was almost constantly agitated or out engaging in behaviors and activities that were dangerous or extremely counterproductive to the betterment of self. my diet is -usually- up to par; i eat square meals and take vitamins daily, but if i get real low that, of course, goes out the window until i smack myself around a bit and force myself to eat something. i exercise minimally, that is, daily calisthenics (push ups, sit ups, pull ups and some modified forms of those). my financial situation is more or less preventing me from getting outside help, unfortunately. i currently attend a weekly group therapy but group therapy is much more difficult for me as opposed to individual counseling, which costs twice as much, and my insurance doesn't cover the practice i attend - though the counselor at this practice is who i feel most comfortable with. i'll ask her about cognitive behavioral therapy when i see her next and see if something can be worked out between us. my mother is a behavioral therapist, but i take it it may be counterproductive to seek that kind of help from a close family member due to bias? i really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me about this all man. i don't mean to hijack your list or anything, but i really wasn't sure where else to turn and this particular circumstance called out to me as an option. and i am getting solid answers. so thank you, really.
hal1ax 12.08.17	@ landiving - yea i feel u. should maybe try to set some goals? maybe try to dive back into school or something? anything that could help motivate you to want to be sober. have to take baby steps with all those different drugs tho. if u do end up wanting to live clean you'd prob have to drop one at a time, and slowly. helps to talk about that shit with ppl in your life too. someone close. @immortal - those are some atypical symptoms of those meds. well i guess the feeling not like yourself is kinda common but lithium def should not have that effect lol. sounds like you are a fairly healthy person, maybe you just need to get your mind right. if the depressive onset is your main weakness, and the locus of your cravings, then that sounds super manageable. about the mom thing, absolutely not -- the thing about CBT is it's basically just cognitive heuristics. it's not like psychotherapy where her being closely related to you is going to hamper her ability to extract and interpret information outside of an immanent, inextricable bias. have you spoken to her about these things? i mean she could definitely give u good advice, if she specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapies ... because cognitive-behavioral is not quite the same as behavioral, but either way, at the very least, she could refer you to someone who would be more apt for helping you. and na you didn't hijack shit. i said at the top i wanted ppl to air this stuff out. ain't no thang.
Chortles 12.09.17	love you boi. congratulations, onwards and upwards
Pon 12.09.17	congrats halbb stay golden
hal1ax 12.09.17	aw thx sweety pies
Frivolous 12.09.17	congrats hal! good for you man
Chortles 12.09.17	sidenote the cover art for 12 is making me squirm tbh
ShitsofRain 12.27.17	yung clean looking into a bright future
hal1ax 12.27.17	lol
Cygnatti 12.27.17	wow, gj dude. i'm rootin' for u, king. :]
hal1ax 12.27.17	💋
Hep Kat 12.27.17	glad u didnt die or end up in a forever cage like so many of my teammates ❤️
hal1ax 12.27.17	thx dude. and likewise to you. i also had several friends go the past couple years. shit just causes too much suffering. glad to be out.
Spacesh1p 12.27.17	Late to the party but great news dude. Keep being the man
hal1ax 12.27.17	luh all u dudes
Tyler. 12.27.17	hart