M. Worden

Reviews 142
Soundoffs 188
News Articles 27
Band Edits + Tags 442
Album Edits 1,000

Album Ratings 4971
Objectivity 87%

Last Active 01-01-70 12:00 am
Joined 01-01-70

Review Comments 19,155

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MarsBro's NFL Ranking: Week 12

A big shuffle around, in which my optimism for certain teams decays instantly.

Houston Texans (+/-0)

Washington got a 2-score lead and essentially parked the bus, knowing full well that the Houston Texans cannot do anything at all to mount a comeback. Mills continues to struggle, this time in the form of a pick-6 that immediately turned the momentum of the game into a sharp downward spiral. The Rams are thankful for the Texans, as they would otherwise easily be considered the most lifeless team around. Just keep hoping those draft picks work, I suppose.
31Chance the Rapper
The Big Day

Carolina Panthers (-3)

That certainly was a game of football. Whew. What a thrill. Anyways, in other news, Sam Darnold is gonna start next week.



The Classic Symptoms of a Broken Spirit

Los Angeles Rams (+/-0)

The Rams went up against a Saints squad struggling in practically every regard and, while finally showing a pulse on offense, couldn't get it done. Stafford has now taken his second concussion in consecutive weeks, adding on to his season from hell. Injuries and talent drain have gutted this team to its absolute minimum, and those still left are struggling or starting to age. The more this team lets leads slip away with such apathy, the more the rumors of McVay's retirement seem reasonable. There could b a fire sale at the end of the season at this rate. Hopefully Kupp is able to come back stronger, eventually.
29All That Remains

Denver Broncos (-5)

Remember when the AFC West was going to be this mythical murderer's row of amazing teams? Yeah, the Chiefs have now practically wrapped up the division race already... what an incredible contest. The Broncos being below expectations was something I saw coming, but to *this* extent? Everything is ridiculously broken, from Hackett's inability to understand what a football is (likely) to Russel Wilson becoming one of the worst QBs in the entire NFL. The Raiders have now won 6 straight against the Broncos, which is a sure sign that the team has failed to evolve despite the additions it made. Any chance of Wilson being salvageable decreases with each awful performance he puts out onto the field, and the reports of him not knowing the playbook or just being entirely lost are very worrying. Too much money is invested to tear this down, but what else can be done? That locker room has to be in shambles, especially for the poor defense that's carrying this corpse of a team.
28100 Gecs
1000 gecs

Pittsburgh Steelers (-1)

Kenny Pickett managed to put together a decent half of offense. Progress! The Steelers immediately turned into a pumpkin in the second half and only found the slightest amount of success in garbage time... less progress. How much of this is because Pickett is still developing or Matt Canada's, uh, "offense" is up to debate, but this was a painful loss to the perpetual little brother that was Cincinnati. The team joins the Browns in the basement of the North, any any hopes of playoffs or getting a winning record are basically toast. At least TJ Watt is out there. Small victories!
Some Nights

Las Vegas Raiders (+4)

As bad as things have been, Raiders fans can take comfort in a time-honored tradition: beating the Denver Broncos. The team still sucks and is perhaps only marginally better than those behind them, but hey, continuing to own the Mistake at Mile High is always a pleasure. McDaniels being fully guaranteed to return and do this shit all over again is less of a pleasure. Buckle up, Raiders fans.
26Forest Of Harambe
Under The Sign Of Harambe

Jacksonville Jaguars (+/-0)

Just a good ol' bye week. Not much to add here.

Cleveland Browns (-5)

Watson is coming, in more ways than one. Your team still sucks, by the way, and in a manner that any QB cannot plug up. Enjoy the lost season.

New Orleans Saints (+5)

Good Andy Dalton showed up and cruised past a Rams team that probably couldn't tie their own shoes. A win is a win, however, and rookie Chris Olave is still demonstrating his commendable talent level. He has the potential to be a valuable foundational player of the franchise if the Saints play their cards right. Still too much to address, but it's always good to have a top-tier receiving threat out there.
I know there's something left for you

Chicago Bears (+/-0)

Ugh. I give far too much leniency to this squad despite the fact its defense is the equivalent of thumbs-up and a wave goodbye. Justin Fields' injury is hopefully minor and keeps him healthy for the remainder of the season, as he has quickly turned Bears games into must-watch affairs; he's simply electric with the ball. The passing game must develop in kind, however, or teams will eventually learn to contain him. Claypool has been limited in his snap shares (~%30 I think) as he acclimates to the new squad; he'll need to start providing more upside to assist his QB. It's another disappointing game that shows promise while only teasing victory, but hey, Chicago being able to move the football downfield at all is a plus!
A Vanity Spawned By Fear

Indianapolis Colts (+3)

In hindsight, considering how lifeless the Colts were, Saturday's ability to just be energetic and believe in his players was undervalued--me included. That's not to say he's a good coach or Indy is a good team, but they are playing hard and actually had the Eagles dead to rights. They just couldn't seal the deal, in part due to the lack of talent that's apparent on the roster. An unfortunate loss, but the Colts have any sort of spirit is worthy of praise.
21Fall Out Boy

Arizona Cardinals (-2)

Same as the past few weeks: we have learned nothing about Arizona that we didn't already know. The team is "throw to DHop and pray, and also like Kyler just kinda run," but this time they were again limited to Colt McCoy--not a bad QB, but one that cannot bail out the horrendous coaching that is the human anchor (falling off a) Kliff Midsbury. Greg Dortch, a former UDFA from the Jets, had a pretty promising showing though! Perhaps the team can have another receiving threat, because James Connor's running game isn't scaring anyone.
20Sleeping With Sirens

Green Bay Packers (-4)

There goes the optimism. Rather than turn a corner after a strong W versus the Cowboys, the Pack laid an egg against a visiting Titans squad that seemed shockingly impervious to the cold. Rodgers was off all night, frequently overthrowing and missing open WRs, and overall chemistry seemingly depleted overnight. Despite the score looking close, the game was anything but, and Green Bay are now forced back to the drawing board. Their run defense was able to clamp down on Henry, but their pass defense was abysmal, allowing Ryan Tannehill to carve them up for all 4 quarters. If beating Dallas wasn't the energy boost the team needed, what is? This was an unfortunate setback in a year full of them.
19Rings of Saturn
Rings of Saturn

Los Angeles Chargers (-1)

More pain. Although the game was well in hand, the Chargers did what they do best and Charger'd the lead away. Injuries continue to pile up. The defense cannot make key stops. Brandon Staley is still employed. With this loss, Kansas has essentially secured dominance over the AFC West despite all the hype over the division's apparent talent boost. It shouldn't be too surprising that Andy Reid is stunting on these morons.
18Gold Key
Panic Machine

Detroit Lions (+4)

For the first time in several years, the Lions have some positive momentum: they've strung together three wins in a row, with their latest being a dominant rolling of the Giants. The much-maligned defense is still not too good of a unit, but they've developed well over the course of the season and can now make stops when called upon--a massive improvement from earlier in the year. The true prize, however, is the fearsome running attack of Williams/Swift/Jackson. Together, the three are a touchdown generator, and the Lions' firm offensive line can open up great lanes for them to power through. Detroit is still likely behind on making a postseason appearance, but there's much more to be happy about now.
17Thy Art Is Murder

Atlanta Falcons (+4)

Witness the magic of Falcons football! Passing? Sometimes, although Marcus Mariota will often collapse once applied a feather's worth of pressure. Rushing? We sure love it, but don't ask us to make smart decisions when we do. Cordarelle Patterson? He's God. Praise be unto him for this precious W, and in His name we hope Arthur Smith finally starts Ridder just to see what he can do. Amen.
16Symphony X
The Odyssey

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+1)

Up in a bye week. Can't buy that kind of happiness!
15Pianos Become the Teeth

New York Jets (-9)

Not going to give kudos to where it isn't deserved anymore. I ranked these fellas far too highly when I was initially on the money; this team is on the verge of collapse, and we recently saw a peek into it with Zach Wilson's drama. There has evidently been a rift in the locker room due to Wilson's poor play and absolute refusal to hold himself accountable, even throwing criticism at others instead as a deflection. Considering their back-up options are both memes, it's safe to be full-on pessimistic at this point. Shame, since this is an incredibly talented team.

New York Giants (-5)

The glass slipper broke. After weeks of barely scraping by wins thanks to Daboll squeezing *all* possible talent out of a lackluster roster, the Giants finally had a premium spanking and subsequent reality check. The Lions controlled the game and didn't keep it close at all, forcing the game to fall primarily on Daniel Jones' shoulders--a tall task considering who he has to throw to. This is a skeleton grew at this point that's barely clinging on to stability. A loss this bad could be a bad omen.
13Without Waves

New England Patriots (+1)

Don't look now, but New England is now firmly entrenched in the wild card race in the AFC. Their past opponents haven't featured intimidating QBs, but their defense deserves credit for locking down most opponents on their schedule. Whether they can stay consistent against better teams is something they'll have to prove in a much harder second-half schedule. Still need to kick Matt Patricia to the curb though, make no mistake about it; Mac Jones is solid but he desperately needs a competent playcaller that can minimize penalties and instill some discipline.
12Woe Of Tyrants
Kingdom of Might

Seattle Seahawk (+/-0)

Just chilling on a bye week. Pete Carrol and co. definitely need to keep winning, as the Niners look more and more fearsome with each game.
Altered Pasts

Washington Commanders (+2)

A very chill, relaxing dub for the Commie crew. Taylor Heinicke has cemented his role as the starting QB, and though he lacks a lot in the physical department, his leadership skills are capable of energizing the team and helping them rally around each other. At 6-5, the Commies are in the thick of the wildcard race, and they finally have stability at the position that needs it the most. Just gotta keep pace and let Scary Terry dominate.
10In Vain

Cincinnati Bengals (+5)

Cincy needed that win. For too long has Pittsburgh walked over their preferred doormat whenever they so desired, and the season opener was certainly an example of that. In a powerful role reversal, Burrow and the gang stomped the Steelers despite a worrisome first half that was too close for comfort. Chase aims to make a return soon, which would be ideal, but hopefully Taylor has seen that Tee Higgins can easily take over as WR1 when needed. Now all the Bengals need to do is establish a sense of consistency and roll strong performances like this into win streaks.
9Amia Venera Landscape
The Long Procession

Tennessee Titans (+2)

In an unexpected twist, the Titans won Green Bay not off the back of their rushing attack, but courtesy of a dominating performance by Ryan Tannehill. Treylon Burks had his way with the Packers secondary to the tune of 100+ yards, including a beautiful deep ball to seal the win, and Austin Hooper has become a deadly red zone target. The WRs and TEs as a whole had an amazing game and helped keep the score out of reach from a potential Packer's comeback. An equally potent offense in Cincy approaches; whether Tennessee can keep pace is an open question until then. The team hopes to get back key defensive players back to assist in what could be a critical win in the race for the AFC's #2 seed.
8Forest Stream
The Crown of Winter

Minnesota Vikings (-7)

OK, OK, I know I probably put the Vikes up too high. But have you seen the chaos of this year? It seemed appropriate that Minnesota would bumble their way to the top. Reality called: it's name is the Dallas Cowboys. In a game so embarrassing it was pretty quickly blacked out, the Vikes were completely dominated on both sides of the ball and had every weakness exposed. Cousins looked lost as his OLine did a Roman Empire impression and folded in on itself. They're still firmly in the driver's seat of the NFC North and can clinch it outright soon, but this loss definitely stings.

Buffalo Bills (+/-0)

Yikes. The final score perhaps doesn't represent it, but Buffalo looked distressingly lost for a half there. Josh Allen has been off, and Gabe Davis has turned his breakout year potential into one of the worst pass drop rates in the NFL. This team got a pass for their intimidating roster and tantalizing potential, but that goodwill is either exhausted or incredibly thin: you gotta tighten this shit up, lads. Coming in comatose against the Browns is fine, but against the upper portion of the league, it could be fatal. Tread carefully.
Where the Word Acquires Eternity

Baltimore Ravens (-1)

The Ravens keep winning, but they certainly have a way of doing it that is truly awful to watch. Whatever they did against Carolina is going to have to stop YESTERDAY, because that was a worrisome performance against a squad that anyone not named the Houston Texans should walk over. Thankfully, Baker Mayfield is pretty bad and Baltimore was able to escape. You can't keep getting away with it forever... I don't buy this team as a threat just yet.
The Sham Mirrors

Philadelphia Eagles (-1)

Hey, Philly? I thought your wake-up game was last week. Why did you let the Colts nearly deliver the most embarrassing (albeit hilarious) upsets? The team looks impressively terrible and now has a random fumble issue appearing out of seemingly nowhere. Concerns of the team being lifted up by a laughable strength of schedule seem very real now; the Eagles look far too vulnerable to be deserving of their record, and if the Cowboys are able to build upon their latest victory, things could come apart faster than expected.
4In Dread Response

San Francisco 49ers (+5)

The Shanaplan is now fully armed and full operational. Its first sacrifice? The Arizona Cardinals. Into the grinder they go! Christian McCaffrey has now become the x-factor the Niners needed, and Jimmy G has been playing incredibly efficient football, allowing the offense to reliably alter from passing to rushing. This team is full of so many matchup nightmares that it seems unfair. Once they get momentum going, they could make a decent run for the championship.

Dallas Cowboys (+5)

Here are the Cowboys that were promised: suffocating defense and an automatic offense. In their game against Minnesota, Dallas was in control for the entire duration, having themselves an easy cruise in a blowout game that re-establish the strengths inherent to their roster. With the Eagles having dangerous near-misses, the division lead is certainly not out of reach.
2Blind Guardian
At the Edge of Time

Miami Dolphins (+/-0)

A bye week for Miami. The Jets losing helps ease off some pressure for the division, which still remains theirs to defend for now.
A Night at the Opera

Kansas City Chiefs (+2)
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