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Every film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe ranked

THERE are still like, 5 more movies coming out but fuck you. I would have said movie in the title but there ARE not enough characters to fit it so i had to use film. Watching all of these movies took HEAPS OF time but I do like me a shit movie. SPOILERS are a thing on cars I think. I watched these all IN chronological order, idk how THIS affected my opinion of these BTW. yeah just in case, i thought i'd warn you in an eye catching way cause i know you lot are really fucking bad at reading these, but I assume pretty much everyone's seen Infinity War, if you haven't just skip this list. if you haven't though Scarlet Witch dies, idk, you probably wont be sad or surprised about that i just kinda felt like being a bit of a dick if you haven't seen it and actually for whatever reason bothered to read this far through my description.
Soulside Journey

Thor: The Dark World
The Dark World earns the impressive title of lamest MCU film. Containing possibly the lamest villain in the entire MCU besides maybe Red Skull or whoever the fuck was the villain in Iron Man 2, TDW also firmly establishes Jane Foster as the most damselly damsel. This movie has some of the shittest, most cookie cutter superhero movie cliches (i.e., motiveless villain, family member murder and the hero magically becoming stronger than the villain at the last minute). The villain whose name i do not recall had no other motive other than just being a real piece of shit, Loki further establishes himself as one of the most over-fangirled characters in any medium and Jane temporarily becomes pretty much the most powerful person in the universe (since she had the reality stone) but cannot actually use the powers cause she's such a useless piece of shit. Movie succ.
Yeezus 2

Iron Man 2

This movie fucking sucks too, but I don't even remember why it fucking sucks, it just does. Whiplash, who is established as like, the main villain or something at the start of the movie, is in all of like 20 minutes of it and Tony Stark is a somewhat more chicken-shit of a character than in the first movie (probably because this movie gives him like, zero development). I do not remember if this movie had any big fight scenes, i remember Iron Man gets his ass handed to him by Whiplash right at the start and he has to fight a bunch of shitty 2 dollar store versions of his own unmanned suit but that's it. Also Warmachine is almost completely written out of this iirc. Idk just skip to Avengers or something who fucking cares about this movie.
23Adam and the Ants
Kings of the Wild Frontier


Now while this movie isn't exactly shit like the two I put below it (it nearly is though), it is pretty lame. Possibly the least exciting hero in the MCU next to Winter Soldier, Ant-Man is a hero who's kind of an asshole but not quite unlikeable enough to be an actual asshole. Now, here's something that really pisses me off about Ant-Man: his powers. The way they're described (which is all science fictiony like every other Marvel movie except for Doctor Strange where they just kinda went "fuck it, w/e, he's magic I guess"), when Ant-Man shrinks down, he supposedly has the same mass, which is why he's always shattering floor tiles and can punch bad guys invisibly and shit, but this rule seems to only apply selectively as for some reason he can ride ants and crawl into small, fragile spaces without destroying everything. Oh also the villain in this one is fucking terrible too except I guess he's kinda motivated by money? Which i guess is a motivation and more than I can say for
22Adam and the Ants
Kings of the Wild Frontier

several other villains. Basically there's literally nothing exciting about anything that happens in this movie and the story is pretty average, the visual effects aren't even that cool.
21Guns N' Roses
Use Your Illusion II

Captain America: Civil War
This isn't actually a Captain America movie btw it's more just a shit Avengers movie. Considering the Cap is one of my favourite heroes in the MCU, the fact that this movie almost completely sidelines him for Iron Man was super uncool. All of the heat in this movie that's supposed to drive the story (i.e., the copious collateral the Avengers have wrought in their colossal city leveling fights) falls almost entirely on Iron Man, Scarlet Witch and Hulk (who is absent from this film), so Cap spends most of the movie standing up for himself against Iron Man's ego and protecting his (I mean, in this particular case) innocent friend from Black Panther who gets a super inglorious introduction in this film. Oh and throughout the entire film, the villain works in the shadows pitting them against each other (super indirectly) and there's this whole thing about an army of Winter Soldiers who are just killed by the villain in their sleep so most of the suspense that had
20Guns N' Roses
Use Your Illusion II

built for half the movie fissles out. Also Ant-Man is in this with his shitty powers again, but Spiderman's cool cause Tom Holland is a fantastic Peter Parker. But idk w/e I've seen it more than once so I obviously like it.
19Green River
Rehab Doll

The Incredible Hulk

I almost feel like I should have this lower because it kinda fails in the fact that it felt like it wanted you to do your homework before you watched it. You learn nothing about any of the characters prior to Bruce Banner becoming Hulk (you actually also learn very little about Hulk himself as he has one spoken line in the entire movie, which predictably is "Hulk Smash"), but fuck me the fight scenes were so good. Nothing like a good old bit of hand to hand combat to make for an exciting climax. Oh yeah uhhh, the villain sucks again though, but at least The Abomination actually made for an awesome fight scene. Pretty glad they ditched Norton though when all is said and done. Yeah idk this really shouldn't be this high and I get why people put it last but honestly if you just wanna see Hulk go around breaking a bunch of shit that's pretty much what you get here.
18Pink Floyd
A Saucerful of Secrets

Doctor Strange
I first saw this on one of the lamest dates I've ever been on and didn't think a hell of a lot of it outside of the visual effects. I watched it more recently in chronological order with the rest of the MCU and I feel pretty much the same. Like, it's fine, w/e, but it's a pretty uninspiring story for the most part I suppose. I feel like it needed more time (you know, maybe a fucking sequel or something before and not fucking after Infinity War) cause I felt Doctor Strange's character development was kinda fast (and also the thing about his hands being fucked kinda becomes a non-issue like half an hour or so in) and I felt none of the other characters really got a lot of screen time. The villain in this is hardly ever on screen and is just a super misguided zealot that we know basically nothing about, but i thought the way Strange defeated Dormamu was kinda clever and made his obscenely unfair possession of the time stone actually feel like it payed off in the story.
17Pink Floyd
A Saucerful of Secrets

The movie looks fucking gorgeous though, that gives it most of its points for me. Fine movie and character, just shaky execution.

(btw Strange wears a Syd Barrett - The Madcap Laughs t-shirt at one point but I used this album cause the artwork uses a shot from the comics)
16Green Day
American Idiot

Captain America: The First Avenger

Yeah kinda the same on this actually (apart from the visuals of course cause these look like shit) but I thought the Cap was handled better as a character. I kinda expected this movie to have a bunch of lame patriotism as its driving narrative but it really doesn't, it's more about looking out for your people rather than your country. However, there's a catch, cause of course there's a fucking catch. The villain sucks ass. Red Skull spends the entirety of the movie fleeing, I don't think he's ever directly fought except for maybe a couple of hits at the very, very end of the movie. The other characters besides Cap are pretty unsubstantial in and of themselves as well with maaaayyybe the exception of Agent Carter, but yeah this movie's kinda lukewarm for it.
15Valient Thorr
Legend of the World

Yeah idk this movie is pretty good for a phase one movie, but it doesn't really do a hell of a lot to put itself particularly far up the pile. It looks pretty fucking good in terms of sets (there is this one scene though where Loki is pinned down with Mjolnir where you can clearly see that the fucking hammer is edited in) and Thor is a great character, really gets grounded as the movie goes on (which is a breathy of fucking fresh air after the fucking Iron Man films obviously). But really what i want to do here is go off about how fucking shit a villain Loki actually is, because apparently i'm the only one who thinks this. His actions considerably outweigh his supposed grievances as far as i'm concerned (which are honestly sooooo fucking inconsequential, especially since it's pretty well established that Thor is better suited to the throne). Loki goes from 1 to 100 super quickly within the first 10 minutes of the film, starting out likeable to suddenly being a big fucking dildo
14Valient Thorr
Legend of the World

and his attitude is pretty much fixed for the rest of this movie, Avengers and The Dark World. Fuck you if you like Loki, i'll throw hands.
13Soundtrack (Film)
Guardians of the Galaxy: Awesome Mix Vol. 1

Guardians of the Galaxy

Now admittedly, the biggest flaw that Guardians of the Galaxy has is that the first half or so of the movie feels like a mad fucking panicked dash to establish all of the characters so that the movie could actually start. Because of that, we end up waiting a while for the movie to actually warm up and we get like zero character development. However in saying this, i felt that once the movie did get going that it had a lot of charm. I thought it had a great ensemble cast, though again who fucking cares about the villains (you'd be forgiven for forgetting that Thanos actually appears in this briefly) and i thought the family spirit angle wasn't overly cheesy. Also this film succeeded in the visuals department in a way that none of the previous films managed to.
12Black Sabbath

Iron Man

I mean this is more or less a classic at this point, probably the franchise's flagship movie outside of the Avengers. A great movie about a billionaire playboy arms manufacturer who realises that it's his responsibility when people who aren't "the good guys" get his weapons. Which actually, as he finds out, includes Iron Man. considering this is a Marvel film we're talking about, Tony Stark is a really well developed character, who despite his unbelievably large ego eventually is more or less shaken down to earth. I mean getting Robert Downey Jr. to play Stark had to be the most dummy obvious casting decision of all time surely. And although the villain was pretty unexciting (money hurr durr), hey, the fight scenes weren't awful!
11Tendon Levey
Winter Owner

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Really the only Captain America film worth a shit honestly. One of the few Marvel movies that's genuinely suspenseful and one of the first with an actually decent roster of characters outside of Avengers. Great character chemistry between Cap and Black Widow and a great sidekick character in Falcon. Also nice change of villain angle with the main antagonisation being institutional rather than some big bastard who really likes to hurt things for some reason. The Cap's alien place in modern America is also played really well in this film and i think his adjustment to this is one of the things that makes him such a cool hero.
10The Flaming Lips
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

Avengers: Age of Ultron
This is probably my weirdest opinion in this ranking (you know, ignoring like…Hulk I suppose) but I actually really enjoy Age of Ultron. Maybe as far as story goes, it's not exactly a boundary pusher and probably feels like more of a character establisher. Though I feel it made much better use of the large ensemble than Civil War did and was a much more exciting film as far as action went. Actually as far as action goes, this is easily one of the better films imo. Also James Spader is fucking great in this movie, I think Ultron was one of the more interesting and dynamic villains in the franchise. A couple of complaints i've seen is that Ultron didn't feel enough like a "robot", but we've been letting them get away with Jarvis the whole time and it was fine so how about fuck you. Actually I quite liked Ulysses Klaue too so you know what this movie actually has one of the best villain lineups. Oh also this movie actually gave a bit more weight to Hawkeye who up
9The Flaming Lips
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

until now had just kind of been there in the background.
8Soundtrack (Film)
Iron Man 3: Heroes Fall

Iron Man 3

Actually i take that back, this opinion's kinda weird too. I feel like this movie made the best use of pacing and actually gave a bit more balls to the Tony Stark character by making him feel a little less invincible. Also holy fuck, this movie actually showed that it's female lead can hold her own (I mean, even if it's just for a little bit at the end). So yeah i felt like this movie also developed Pepper Potts as well as Stark, super refreshing to see them give their female leads some depth (you know, the non-superhero ones anyway like I'm not trying to say they haven't handled Black Widow well or anything, cause they have, or they did in Age of Ultron at least). Yeah i just feel like this movie gets a lot done and does it successfully throughout it's run time, which is more than can be said for like 90% of these movies.
In the Nightside Eclipse

Thor: Ragnarok

Was really, really curious to see what a Taika Waititi directed Marvel film was gonna look like (I'm from New Zealand, this guy's been fucking huge here for years and he's made some amazing movies). Pretty much met my expectations, a serious film made palatable by a considered balance of light-hearted everyday humour. Completely fucking saved the Thor franchise from being a total shitshow and hey, wow, actually fucking developed Loki like, at all. Also, not that it was Waititi's creative choice or anything, I'm glad they fucking wrote out Jane Foster instead of replacing Portman, cause now we have Valkyrie, who's actually cool. Oh and also they developed Hulk! Up until now they'd basically been focusing entirely on Banner, though if I'm honest the new Hulk voice fucking sucks compared to the old one, you can really hear that it's digitally altered and it's kinda naff. Uhhh, yeah I guess the villain still sucked though wow.
6Soundtrack (Film)

Spider-Man Homecoming

I cannot explain how unexcited for this I was. I've never been a huge Spiderman fan (though I did like the cartoon when it was on) and considering this franchise has gone through what feels like hundreds of reboots just this century, i really fucking wasn't in the mood for another one… until I saw Tom Holland in Civil War. For me, what's let down a lot of Spiderman cash ins, is a flashy Spiderman and a bad Peter Parker. Homecoming nailed both. Now while Vulture was kind of an oddly motivated villain, he was a perfect beginner villain for Spiderman. The story wasn't over the top, it told the story of a perfectly normal, decidedly lame high-schooler who's trying to impress girls and his hero while simultaneously trying to balance his life as a teenager with secretly fighting crime. I mean Holland really is in the running to steal this character off of Maguire (which he basically does in Infinity War).
5Soundtrack (Film)
Avengers Assemble


Another classic much in the same vein as the first Iron Man, but like a million times better. The ensemble works where the first Guardians of the Galaxy fails in that these characters are already established going in (fuck knows what this movie looks like as a standalone though but tbh why are you watching them without watching everything else in the first place?). Once you (I) get over the fact that Loki is a fucking bleached asshole of a villain, this movie has grand scale action, higher stakes than ever and a lot of big egos all in the same room. The visual effects are fantastic and the fight scenes are all well choreographed. It might not be the most interesting story of the lot, but it's definitely one of the most exciting and one of the best directed ones.
4Godspeed You! Black Emperor
F♯ A♯ ∞

Avengers: Infinity War
Yeah i like, only finally got to see this for the first time two days ago, so the only reason i didn't post this list then was cause i needed to deliberate on this a bit. And i decided it's my 3rd favourite. (i'm obviously gonna spoil this btw though you'll have seen it by now surely) Phenomenal directing, perfectly handled the enormous ensemble by being clever enough to break them up into several different groups. Was not expecting Thanos to have so much character and fucking bravo to Josh Brolin for absolutely selling it. This movie (though you don't realise it while watching) follows a conventional superhero story, except it's the villain's odyssey. It really is like watching it from the other side, where your side loses, just like the villains do in every other superhero movie. The visual effects could have been better (there was one fucking shot where the green screen was literally reflected in Stark's phone) which might be the Imax cameras making everything
3Godspeed You! Black Emperor
F♯ A♯ ∞

but the background look real (and a couple of moments where Iron Man, Black Panther and Spiderman were obviously in spandex suits) but other than that this movie really lived up to the hype. Also i fully fucking was not ready for Starlord, Black Panther or Doctor Strange to die that fucking caught me off guard. Though i get the feeling they're not gonna stay dead.
2Soundtrack (Film)
Black Panther

Black Panther

Brilliant story about responsibilities, particularly to those who do not share your fortune in life. The African aesthetics didn't feel fetishised, which was one thing i was kinda worried about and was impressed with upon seeing the film. The characters in this movie were all great, especially T'Challa, Shuri and M'Baku (who thank fuck they changed from being Man-Ape holy shit that would have been weird). Killmonger was a great villain, though i kind of wish he had more of a redemption story. And I really, really wish they didn't kill Ulysses Klaue off so early I fucking love that dude he's hilarious. Great story, great themes, noice fuggin fight scenes too well done boys (and girls, a lotta girls in this actually).
1Soundtrack (Film)
Guardians of the Galaxy: Awesome Mix Vol. 2

Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2

For me this movie really does stand above the pack and was exactly what was needed from the first Guardians of the Galaxy to really complete the franchise. Now that you actually know all the characters from the first movie, you finally get to see them develop and they have much better chemistry. Also Yondu is a fucking lege in this movie, he was really disappointing in the first one but he fucking makes this movie. Several plot holes are filled (namely Starlord's dad obviously) and Nebula was seriously redeemed as a character in this, she's basically who I wish Loki was. Everything about this movie is stellar, it's always enjoyable and the visuals are incredible. It's also actually very watchable as a standalone which is amazing. Yeah watch this one, fuck all the other movies tbh.
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