efp123: I don’t want to be around anymore

Hawks 10.29.24	Damn bro please don't say that. :[
Futures 10.29.24	brother man hang in there. here for whatever you need. life sucks, trust me i know. it gets better, it always does. it's tough man but you can do it. there's so much more music to jam! this bums me out. you're a good dude who makes some excellent music and this place appreciates you. everyone is here for you man. love u.
EphemeralEternity 10.29.24	Besides the usual advice to reach out to any close friends and speak to a professional All I'll say is I have been in your position and I'm glad I hung on (even though life is still a bitch at times) It's tough to see any light at the end of the tunnel when your head is shrouded in fog but trust that things can get better and upward spirals can happen as well and often by surprise - you change a few things with your circumstances and suddenly everything is infinitely better than before If it is a chemical depression as mine was too then obviously meds are usually needed to help drag you out of the mire and get you on your feet...and unfortunately there's no simple solution and you usually need to throw shit at a wall to see what sticks, but something will eventually Go easy on yourself and do whatever helps you get through the days - music has been a lifeline for a lot of people myself included And hit me for a chat if you want
nightbringer 10.29.24	Sorry to hear you're struggling so intensely. While there's that part of you that you acknowledge in this post - the part that's flirting with death, I'm sensing other parts of you that still have a voice. You chose to reach out and share here, which seems really positive to me. Maybe you can try and name and acknowledge these other parts? I think those same sparks that led to this post could also lead you to other sources of support.
Spec 10.29.24	Nah if I have to stick around so do you.
bellovddd 10.29.24	we only got one shot at life might as well make it last as long as possible. all the best and do you're best.
heyadam 10.29.24	Sorry it’s heavy < 3 when it gets like that at night, do your best to just drink some water and go to bed. Fixating on it will make it worse, and going to sleep can do a lot more good than it sounds (speaking from experience).
Purpl3Spartan 10.29.24	Hang in there man :[ I pray things get better for you as you are so talented and have so much going for you!
unclereich 10.29.24	smoke weed
Hendoi 10.29.24	life sucks, hope you have some better days ahead of you. take care.
Icebloom 10.29.24	Echoing everything nightbringer said. Sad to hear you struggle, stay safe.
zakalwe 10.29.24	From this point on things will potentially get worse but they will also undoubtedly get better. All the help, assistance and support means absolutely nothing if you have no hope. There is always hope even if for fleeting moments it’s seems there is none. Hope does initially comes from within, it’s always there it’s just temporarily lost. I hope you that you find hope and I know for a fact that you will you just need to hold on.
artiswar 10.29.24	I've been in the same situation for at least 4 months now. It's been really bad. Meds, music, and friends help
Jurtz 10.29.24	This too shall pass Been there Hold on brother
Slex 10.29.24	I am really sorry that you are feeling like this, all I can say for sure is that you are not alone in that feeling. If you ever need to talk, hit my shoutbox, seriously
Krpa 10.29.24	You're not alone friend, I myself feel like I've done nothing but sideline any potential good chance in my life. Well, almost any, still have friends and family to bring some positivity when needed. But it weighs heavy on your chest, undeniably. No matter, you owe it to yourself to wade through all the shit thrown your way, but never ever call it a day. We need to keep it up no matter what.
NorwichScene 10.29.24	Get help for your thoughts. I know you think it’s bad, but thousands of people have it a lot worse believe me. No one is going to make fun of you, work hard but also try relax when the opportunity arises and take each a day at a time as things will get better!
Jurtz 10.29.24	Telling someone who is struggling how other people have it a lot worse does not help and usually ends up pushing someone further down. You obviously mean well, just something to think about.
arthropod 10.29.24	Suicide is a double-edged sword: what's bad might end, but no more good will happen. It's your life and your decision, but keep that in mind. Some things will propably remain in your head forever, but it's possible to still find joy in life.
Jurtz 10.29.24	Suicide is a double-edged sword: what's bad might end, but no more good will happen. It's your life and your decision, but keep that in mind. [2]
IsisScript80 10.29.24	"A lot of bad things have happened to me the last few years, and it’s getting very hard because I cannot get rid of the thoughts." Obviously, I do not in any way know the specifics of the situation you're in... only from this, it appears that the spell is relatively recent (as in "the last few years", opposed to over the course of an entire lifetime), and that you "cannot get rid of the thoughts". On the first point, I would say that it is possible to have a bad, infortunate run that can last several years... you could even feel "cursed". This though, tends to pass via the natural ebb and flows of life. In terms of "getting rid of the thoughts", there are therapies and meds available, as well as sharing the load (here, for example) with people, either digitally or in real-life. Again, I don't know your social or financial setup for access to either beyond this forum, but if you have some, this too could be worked on in a genuine way (I talk from first, and secondary experience here). "Make fun of me if you want." I suppose a mixed blessing here, with the forum on its virtual knees and having (as far as I'm aware) no current way of accepting new members, is that everyone here, more-or-less, aren't going to significantly troll you because at this stage, an exit is permanent. Even so, if they did, FUCK them. They'd be S-tier cunts. Hope it works out for you.
JohnnyoftheWell 10.29.24	you've always been a gem from what i've seen of you here, and it's rough hearing you've been feeling this way. can definitely relate to thinking life has run out of bones to throw you, and i guess all i can say is that every chance i gave it to surprise me again turned out to be a blessing. take time out/sleep/eat well/travel somewhere peaceful if you're able and give yourself a chance to hit all the reset buttons you need - sending all my positive thoughts
Wildcardbitchesss 10.29.24	I get it man. I’m not gonna sit here and act like life is a walk in the park. Just think of the people in your life that care about you, and how devastated they’d be if you went through with it. But I empathize, not gonna lie, when my dogs are gone and my mom has passed I’m probably gonna check out. I just gotta outlive her, I can’t put her through that. Sending love man, you’re not alone in feeling this way.
artificialbox 10.29.24	You're a good person efp. Stick around a while longer please
efp123 10.29.24	thanks for the thoughtful replies
evilford 10.29.24	Sorry you're going thru this efp...I can relate. Life really sucks sometimes. But I bet there are people in your life who would be devastated if you ended it all. But like wildcard said im not gonna pretend that life is a walk in the park. He'll it's hard for me and I have a lot of things to be grateful for. You ever need to chat or anything hmu, I'd much rather listen to the shit you're going thru than hear that you.....you know
botb 10.29.24	What Johnny and Jurtz said, thought this was going to be a ITYSL meme list, sad to see it’s not. Stay strong. Things do get better if you give them a chance to.
DocSportello 10.29.24	My housemate will often just leave pistols and rifles and shit on counters and tabletops and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t considered blowing my brains out one random night after a midnight snack. Especially these days I’m afraid that the allure of death is more normal and universal than we’d like to admit. There’s a certain thrill to standing on the edge of a cliff and just imagining, what if. But that would be the end of imagination. I’d never get to pet another cat. I’d never get to hear another sick new album. I’d never be able to be moved again, by anything or anyone. To say nothing of the inconceivable grief that would forever haunt the hearts and minds of friends and family. Which is why I’ll never, never do that. Being human is hard, I know it. But please consider sticking with it. I hardly know you but I see you, and neither this old site nor the world you inhabit would be the same without you.
evilford 10.29.24	Hard
Egarran 10.29.24	What are some of the bad things that happened? Doubt not that we need you, you make sputnik better. Your rating list alone is A+.
zakalwe 10.29.24	‘My housemate will often just leave pistols and rifles and shit on counters and tabletops’ Loaded? Christ Almighty. I’d blow me own brains out just to teach the fucker a lesson.
FowlKrietzsche 10.29.24	I don't usually add anything to these since I struggle with finding anything to say but there have been many times where I thought my life was over, I'd made a decision I couldn't undo, and all I could think about was whether I could move past that moment, then life happened and that moment faded into obscurity and I was happy to still be around. Its hard to give your life perspective when you're in the struggle, but I promise you life is wide and wonderous and there is more for you here
anode 10.29.24	yeah bro i feel ya, i dont know if you got the anger inside that i do but these lyrics have really helped me "in spite of the world, my fight will never end". if the world keeps throwing bs at you, more reason to stay alive. fuck em
Clefairy 10.29.24	You’re not alone man. Try to find joy in anything you can, watch a movie you’ve never seen, go to a concert, take a day off from work/school and visit a town you’ve never visited before, try new food, find the smallest thing that feels new and fresh to you. You matter, please talk to a professional.
chemicalmarriage 10.29.24	Have you ever heard about how Alex Grey was suicidal, took some acid, and realized he had a divine talent and love of painting and a new found spark of life that led him on a journey that no one could have ever expected. Just throwing it out there, and no, I'm not telling you to do acid. I hope you're doing better
EphemeralEternity 10.30.24	I feel like takin acid when you're in a suicidal state is like Russian roulette with 5 in the chamber, but I guess a slim chance of having a life affirming epiphany
gabba 10.30.24	Contemplating suicide for real is tunnel-vision controlled by serious fuckup in the balance between chemical systems in the brain. It’s a crisis that doesn’t boil down to “nothing matters anymore”, but is driven by anguish and distress. Life becomes utterly painful with the idea of death offering the only solution. It’s like a magnet, a black hole one can’t seem to escape from. But this will inevitable change if you manage to hang on for a while, and moments will come when you’ll feel happy about not having let it go. Those moments are worth living for. You see already the amount of responses you trigger from others, because we get your pain, either have been there before, or are concerned about feeling the same way in the future. You’re not alone, you shape your environment, and we’re here to talk to you, to others, to ourselves. Your list may help some of us when dark times come, thanks for that.
Get Low 11.04.24	Hope you come out feeling better. The psyche ward I went to when I was at my low point fed me Lorna Doones until I was cured.
Futures 11.04.24	we love you man.
Dedes 11.04.24	I believe in u buddy, I hope some answers can be found in that time away. Find what slivers of joy you can and cling onto them hard, even if it's something that seems goofy as fuck or insignificant.
IsisScript80 11.04.24	Hope you get the support you need to get through this, efp.
efp123 11.11.24	I read this thread every night before I go to sleep
JayEnder 11.11.24	Damn... I can't believe I missed this. Love you lots bro, been feeling the exact same way lately. Hang in there and if you need someone to talk to I'm always here. The sadness comes in waves and will never truly go away, but the episodes will become less and less frequent as time passes and you grow as a person. I hope you can find some peace in this fucked up world, it sure isn't easy but I believe in you.
Faraudo 11.11.24	To everyone around here who's feeling despair and feels like they're falling through the cracks, hang in there; it'll get better, trust me. A little bit of personal background: my little brother passed away almost 5 years ago of a bunch of different diseases at the age of 15 (we're 12 years apart so he was pretty much a son too), and the thought of joining him (if there is such a thing as an afterlife) is very enticing and I think about that almost every day, especially when things aren't working out in my life. For some reason, life gives me a small nod, a small gesture, or a signal to stick around when it gets bleaker. I'm not a religious person at all, but with my brother, I make an exception. I like to believe that he's the one throwing good stuff around just to keep me on this earth as long as possible. Find that little thing that makes you happy efp and please hang in there, life is worth a shot. If you ever need to talk, let me know.
Ray91 11.11.24	just stumbled upon this post and man, I hope you're getting better and hang on. Especially during autumn and winter it's always getting darker in my mind as well. thankfully my dog and girlfriend keep me from isolating and negative thoughts but sometimes it gets the best of me. as many already stated, try focusing on the little positive moments and cherish them as much as you can.
pyroflare77 11.11.24	Yeah shit sucks, I've had depression for like 12 years at this point. But I have some important people that'd be devastated if I clocked out, and that's a no-go. I got into a better state of mind by doing something I am good at ("enjoy" is loaded language), writing. I was getting frustrated and more depressed that I used to be a well-oiled machine back in high school/college and it was all slipping. And I'm the kind of guy that's good at giving advice but then proceeds to not follow any of it, kind of talking out of my ass. Well I did it one time, tricked my manner of thinking to set things down to the lowest possible bar. At least one sentence a day. It'll get done eventually. I don't know how to translate that to other hobbies, but basically get a routine going and don't. break it. Humans may be creatures of habit but it sure as shit is easy to drop something and never return to it, lol. Now I got a book under my belt and published. I mean I'm probably chock full of anhedonia because I don't feel anything, kind of vicarious pleasure when some friends and family congratulated me. I don't know I'm rambling at this point and I'm not here to make this about me, but hopefully something here can help you out.
Ectier 11.11.24	I hope you are doing better now. I dont think i have anything furthur to add that others havent. Just remember if you are at the bottom theres only one way to go and thats up. Also remember that every step forward and out of that place counts and proves you can do it even if its baby steps. Dont be hard on yourself if you go backwards, itll happen and doesnt mean you have failed, it means you are human. I myself nearly took my own life last year and the last few years. In the last few months i have started to feel better about myself and life. Another thing is to Keep connected with people and to talk to your doctor, therapist and if they arent a good fit, try someone else. Therapy is something that requires the right fit, if the psych or therapist isnt for you, thats okay just means you have to find someone who does work for you. Rome wasnt built in a day, neither is recovery from mental breakdowns, suicidal ideation or thoughts or substance abuse. Everything takes time, focus on support networks as well. I babbled a lot, but i really hope you are doing better every time i see this thread pop up im going to check it and make sure i see you commenting or replying to someone. Stay safe friend and look after yourself
Faraudo 11.11.24	Love you all, music discourse around these parts can frequently get rude and narcissistic, but I like to believe that we've formed some sort of dysfunctional, but somewhat tight community and that we care about it on a deeper level.
Frost15 11.11.24	I don't know your particular circumstances, but life can get really hard and tough to bear. One thing that always kind of worked for me was spending time in nature and pushing myself to the limits of the human condition (sometimes forced, sometimes voluntarily). Spend the few $ you have only in what you need to survive (food, water and a place to sleep if you can afford it). Learn to cook (if you don't know how to) and cook your own meals. Eat just the right amount of food to thrive and you will learn to appreciate life as it is in its most essential state. If you got emotional troubles try to surround yourself with people who listen and give insightful feedback and don't be afraid to express your feelings. We aren't meant to be alone and we need good company. I found surrounding myself with elder people gave me a lot of knowledge about life. The kind of knowledge that is missing in school, high school and all the current education system (which only intends to build capitalist slaves). It's a complex topic because what may be toxic for a human being may work for another. Life is absurd, and in the absurd anything can happen, so find what works for you to rebel against the absurd your own way. That's all I can say man.
efp123 11.25.24	It was great knowing most of you here, but I am going to leave. I hope you understand, and if you don’t I totally get that too. Goodnight
Purpl3Spartan 11.25.24	No man.... don't say that! :[ We're all here for you man please stay with us
Futures 11.25.24	maybe this isn't proper to bring up but he emailed me saying he took a flight to san diego to jump off a bridge. idk what to do i'm very worried. i would call the police but i don't know his exact location or even a city. can anyone help? i don't know what to do and feel like this would weigh heavily on my conscious if i didn't try to say something
Drifter 11.25.24	don't do this bro. it's not worth it. things will be better
rellik009 11.25.24	you can give his name and face to police or firefighters, i hope they find him before he does anything serious to himself
rellik009 11.25.24	do you have contact with him in any other way?
rellik009 11.25.24	but didnt he say hes going to san diego? maybe the firefighters and police there can help
Futures 11.25.24	no just a gmail sadly, he shut down his instagram which is really concerning me because it was there
arthropod 11.25.24	Could the fact that he informed you imply that he wants someone to react and doesn't really want to do the thing? I mean, I hope he holds back.
Futures 11.25.24	i know man i'm just incredibly worried
Ray91 11.25.24	hope he'll stay fine. don't let these fuckers win man
Demon of the Fall 11.25.24	fuck, just read the above. Awful news! "Could the fact that he informed you imply that he wants someone to react and doesn't really want to do the thing? I mean, I hope he holds back." I really hope this is the case, otherwise why inform anyone? idk, I'm definitely not a psychologist, just not sure why someone would announce it like that. As someone who's flirted with these thoughts, if I was actually gonna do the worst, I probably wouldn't be broadcasting it (obvs small sample size). Unfortunately I don't know anything about him personally, so cannot help there. Hoping he's alright and gets the support needed (and soon!)
Dedes 11.25.24	@futures What was the insta handle? Might be able to still backtrack from there
Dedes 11.25.24	Also @futures If it's the one I found the city is Saint Paul
artificialbox 11.25.24	efp come back man. we need you here.
Valzentia 11.25.24	Keep your head up dude. We love you. We're here for you. Suicide doesn't end the pain. It just transfers it to others :(
gabba 11.25.24	efp, this is a bad trip you have to get out of, a kind of reality that swallows itself if you let it go, all is lost, your memories, your connections to people, everything you've accomplished though you surely feel that no one ever said it would be so hard, you can still go back to the start
Hawks 11.25.24	Someone please keep me updated. :[ God this is giving me anxiety.
Deathconscious 11.25.24	Why not just hang out in San Diego for a few days and enjoy the sights? Sounds like you could use a break. You may feel like you no longer want to follow through with it. Im moving to Saint Paul in July, youll have a sput buddy in the city if you want one. Hope youre alright.
Koris 11.25.24	^ I really hope that ends up being the case, because I’ll be returning to San Diego on Thursday morning, and I’d be happy to meet up with him and talk things out. I just hope it isn’t too late by then :/
pyroflare77 11.25.24	Yeah only solace I can give other sputbros is the act itself is usually on impulse. Plotting out this flight and bridge jumping is one thing but actually going through with it is something else entirely. That's a lot of thinking time and a lot of opportunities to step back.
DrMaximus 11.25.24	maybe you could message his band that's linked on his insta?
Futures 11.25.24	oh it's back up! that's good news at least.
CaliggyJack 11.25.24	I hope he's okay.
JayEnder 11.25.24	Really hope he hangs in there. He's a great dude and it makes me really sad he's going through it.
Futures 11.25.24	ok i got in touch with his band driftless on facebook. whoever it was did some calling around and found that efp is safe at a hospital getting help. so relieved, i really hope he gets what he needs. btw listen to driftless! perfect blue is an awesome album.
FowlKrietzsche 11.25.24	Fuck that's fantastic news
SomeCallMeTim 11.25.24	thank you Futures, that's amazing to hear
Odal 11.25.24	I am so relieved to hear that. Hope he's doing alright. If you read this, we are all rooting for you man.
CaliggyJack 11.25.24	Futures the absolute GOAT
jrlikestodance 11.25.24	Happy to hear he's safe
SomeCallMeTim 11.25.24	Since he's safe, should probably remove some of the comments with his personal info
IsisScript80 11.25.24	That's great news... and AMAZING work, Futures.
keaton_86 11.25.24	JFC that was an intense read. Glad to hear he's safe now. I don't know you at all but man, OP, try to hang in there. Change your environment if possible, read some different books, change your perspective. Hope you get better man.
Futures 11.25.24	appreciate it but i just did what i hope anyone else would've in my spot. he's a good guy, he's gone through a lot in his life. i hope he gets all the help that he needs and is back jamming with us in no time.
DePlazz 11.25.24	Good news! Hang in there efp, things will get better, they just have to.
botb 11.25.24	Futures you’re such a good guy, OP hang in there man
Feather 11.25.24	Hang in there efp, hope things are looking up over the last month
AnimalForce1 11.25.24	Please hang in there, efp. We're all rooting for you over here
Hawks 11.25.24	WAY TO GO FUTURES!!! EXCELLENT NEWS!
Dedes 11.25.24	I BELIEVE IN U DAWG hope to see u on sput again soon! Also yeah big ups to Futures, your care is insurmountable. No one deserves to feel that level of worthlessness towards living, there's so much beauty that is sadly easily shrouded by how mean the world can be.
Futures 11.26.24	i've been through a lot, not depressed but i do understand somewhat. just gotta take it a day at a time. i'd do the same for anyone here. we gotta stick together here. just pass forward this common decency. you never know what someone else is going through especially on here. this is in strong contrast with what i've been seeing in certain threads here lately.
Dedes 11.26.24	It's in contrast with internet cultural shifts in general imo, people simultaneously get more cutthroat and more pleasant/open in general on all sorts of media, even here. It's good to at least retain a common human identity and remember we all have love or are loved by someone and have self doubts and happiness and sadness and what have you regardless of if we're in the same musical or political vectors.
Futures 11.26.24	well stated friend. thanksgiving this week, be thankful for what you have and don't worry about what you don't. it's always a good reminder. i'm happy to still be around, that's enough for me.
botb 11.26.24	Yeah I’m here for the treating each other with respect shit, even if we rib each other about taste from time to time, but I’ve always been on that wave. It’s not worth actually ruining somebody’s day
bellovddd 11.26.24	im glad he is safe. no one deserves to feel this way. also well done peeps for helping.
mindleviticus 11.26.24	Futures you're a real goddamn good dude, so glad to hear efp's safe. Just read the whole thing what a rollercoaster.
Ray91 11.26.24	glad to hear efp is safe! let's keep up the good spirits here.
arthropod 11.26.24	That was intense. Good job Futures, may he get better soon.
gabba 11.26.24	Awesome news, this is a great community. As for our guy efp, this can be a new start, but there’s work to do. Luckily, nobody walks alone.
Jurtz 11.26.24	I'm glad to hear he's safe and getting the help he needs.
Demon of the Fall 11.26.24	well that's a relief, great news that he's safe. Wishing him well! bravo Futures, that was some good digging!
efp123 11.28.24	Hey all. Yeah, I got a little into my head. Thanks for your concerns, but I’m out now a bit earlier today. Got detained at my airport before flying because word gets around. Thanks Futures for pretty much saving my life. That’s all I have to say for now, and I’m embarrassed it got this far publicly, but idk I’m sick. I felt the need to have an outlet to strangers I guess. I’m getting more help going forward that is already set in stone. I just wanted to provide some sort of closure here. This was not a cry wolf motive, but just a thought that I was actually going through with this. I only traveled with some cigarettes, wallet, and my phone. I have amazing memories over the Coronado bridge that ties with the La Jolla/San Diego area. Felt right. Thanks for reading, and supporting my odd list here
Jurtz 11.28.24	I'm glad you are safe and that you're now getting the help you need!
DePlazz 11.28.24	Good man, stay safe!
Hawks 11.28.24	Glad to hear from you buddy!!
Drifter 11.28.24	happy to hear bro. this community may be hella dysfunctional nowadays but a cry for help will always supported
CaliggyJack 11.28.24	Godspeed Efp!
Futures 11.28.24	we love you brother and are here for you. i hope some jams will comfort you in this time as well.
Ray91 11.28.24	this threat restored my faith in humanity a little. hang in there efp and reach out if you wish to.
Ectier 11.28.24	Hope Efp is doing better
Faraudo 11.28.24	Glad to hear efp! Don't be embarrassed, asking for help is an important move towards betterment. I care for you and the rest of the community, so if you ever need any further words of encouragement, help or whatever, let me know.
Faraudo 11.28.24	I got genuinely emotional by following up on this thread and everything that happened these past couple of days. Sorry for not being around and helping as I should've. Futures, thank you for being such a decent, kind-hearted dude. You might say it is common decency and all that, but in this day and age, not everyone cares like you did (and do for that matter). Regardless, the most important thing is that efp is still hanging in there. So yeah, you've got this, man!
arthropod 11.28.24	👍
Storm In A Teacup 11.28.24	Yay efp
DePlazz 11.28.24	"Got detained at my airport before flying because word gets around." Reading this part felt kinda reassuring, as in social/societal surveillance working in those cases where it really should matter
artificialbox 11.28.24	dont feel embarrassed brother. you are welcomed back with zero judgment.
Dedes 11.28.24	HELL YEAH BRO Idc who you are anyone at that dismal of a headspace is more valuable than they could ever perceive, the curtains you pull over yourself will never allow you to see until you let them go. I hope you can be strong on your path to recovery!!!
AnimalForce1 11.28.24	No embarrassment, no judgement. So glad you're okay, dude, and I'm wishing you the best with recovery
gabba 11.28.24	It takes enormous courage to reach out to so many people you don't know in person, everyone here appreciates that. I'm glad you're over this crisis, hopefully you'll find lots of joy soon!
botb 11.28.24	Stay strong brotha!
JayEnder 11.29.24	Really glad you're okay Evan. Don't be afraid to reach out whenever you're feeling low, there is always help out there and many people who understand just how overwhelming this life can be. Wishing you the best brother! Futures you are the man too for reaching out in the way you did, huge respect.