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2017 NFL Regular Season Predictions

It's that time of year again and I'm just beyond excited. ALBUMS=DIGS
1Black Sabbath
Sabbath Bloody Sabbath

1. Pittsburgh Steelers
Ceiling: 13-3 | Floor: 8-8 | My Prediction: 12-4
With Big Ben contemplating retirement this offseason, it is more obvious than ever that the Steelers must win now. 2018 is no guarantee. James Harrison is pushing 40 and as of right now he's still the best player on the defense, and if that doesn't change by Week 6, expect a rehash of last season (this time with an earlier playoff exit). However, the Steelers will benefit from an easy schedule and will win a few more games then they probably should, or maybe not considering the Steelers’ track record of losing to sub .500 teams under Mike Tomlin, but I digress.
2Dire Straits
Brothers in Arms

2. Baltimore Ravens
Ceiling: 11-5 | Floor: 6-10 | My Prediction: 9-7
Out goes Steve Smith, in goes Jeremy Maclin. In no way is this an improvement per se, but more of a testament to how attractive the Ravens are to free agents. They also added Tony Jefferson and Danny Woodhead. The former will pair up Eric Weddle to make the most low-key scary secondary in the league, while the latter will pair up with Joe Flacco and will probably lead all running backs in receptions. Joe Flacco will continue to be Joe Flacco (that's up for interpretation), and I think this will be enough for the Ravens to make a return to the playoffs.
3Das Racist
Shut Up, Dude

3. Cincinnati Bengals
Ceiling: 11-5 | Floor: 5-11 | My Prediction: 6-10
Last year was not a down year, it was a sign of decline. For a second year in a row, the Bengals failed to resign any of their key players. John Ross and Joe Mixon (who didn't see that pick coming?) are cool and all, but a competent replacement for Andrew Whitworth would have been a little more worthwhile. The team will struggle to keep pace in the AFC North race, Vontaze Burfict will pick up a few fines, and Andy Dalton and Marvin Lewis will be back in 2018.
4Daft Punk

4. Cleveland Browns
Ceiling: 7-9 | Floor: 2-14 | My Prediction: 4-12
For the first time in a long time, the Browns are not unquestionably the worst team in the league. In fact, they actually seem to be moving in the write direction for once. The addition of first round picks Myles Garrett and Jabrill Peppers will be difference makers in year one, fortifying a defense that will be the strength of the team. Expecting Isaiah Crowell to run for a very quiet 1,000 yards as quarterback play struggles. As optimistic as all this sounds, the Browns still won’t be going anywhere, unless Brock Osweiler is thrust into the lineup and plays up to his contract.
5Death Grips
Government Plates

1. Tennessee Titans
Ceiling: 12-4 | Floor: 6-10 | My Prediction: 11-5
Being my sleeper pick for the AFC, I’m expecting the Titans to do big things this upcoming year. Newcomers Corey Davis and Eric Decker will assist Marcus Mariota in playing up to his draft value, while Demarco Murray and Derrick Henry (and I guess Mariota as well) will form the leagues #1 rushing offense. Much like the Cowboy’s defense from last year, as long as the Titan’s defense doesn’t suck complete ass, they’ll win games, and as much hype as the Cowboys’ offensive line is hyped, the Titans o-line is arguably just as good (and according to PFF, the best offensive line of last year).
6Rise Against
The Sufferer & the Witness

2. Houston Texans
Ceiling: 13-3 | Floor: 7-9 | My Prediction: 10-6
The Texans continue to show year in and year out that they don’t need a quarterback to win the playoffs. Last year I predicted Brock Osweiler would become the Texan’s franchise quarterback, and we all saw how that turned out. There’s no way Tom Savage can be any worse, right? Best case scenario is Deshaun Watson beating out Tom Savage for the starting job in camp a la Russell Wilson/Matt Flynn in 2012, which I think will happen, but I still think the Texans win relatively the same amount of games no matter what. Houston fielded one of the top defenses in the league WITHOUT three time DPOY J.J. Watt last year, so I’m confident the Texans can win around ten games as long as the offense averages at least 18 PPG.
7The Roots
The Tipping Point

3. Jacksonville Jaguars
Ceiling: 11-5 | Floor: 4-12 | My Prediction: 8-8
Another offseason, another round of Jaguars hype. Will the team ever take the next step forward? If Blake Bortles plays like he did last season, then certainly not. However, I think the addition of Leonard Fournette will help take some pressure off Bortles, and (on paper) the defense should be solid at the very least. Bortles and the Allen brothers will be back to putting numbers similar to 2015, but will continue to struggle in games that mean something.

4. Indianapolis Colts
Ceiling: 11-5 | Floor: 2-14 | My Prediction: 6-10
One very important storyline that has flown way under the radar this offseason: Where is Andrew Luck? The Colts’ franchise quarterback/only reason they look like an NFL team has not thrown a football since the end of last season and has since had surgery to repair torn labrum. Training camp is just getting underway as I type this and there is STILL no timetable for his return, and the fact that Irsay and company are still playing this off like it’s not a big deal is a very worrisome. If Luck is completely fine and this really isn’t a big deal, I still don’t expect Indianapolis to win many games just because there really isn’t much on this team that makes me think otherwise. If Luck is not ready by Week 1 and Pagano rushes him back before he’s ready though, expect a repeat of the Colts’ spectacular 2011 season.
9Theo Parrish
Parallel Dimensions

1. New England Patriots
Ceiling: 16-0 | Floor: 10-6 | My Prediction: 15-1
Ten years removed from their 18-1 2007 season, the Patriots look like they are once again equipped to chase perfection. The reigning Super Bowl champions added Stephon Gilmore and Brandin Cooks during the offseason, and Gronk is expected to be back at 100% after missing most of last season. The majority of us are expecting (more like praying for) Brady’s play to take a 2015 Peyton Manning type fall off this season, but it doesn’t look like it’s gonna happen. I’m expecting the Patriots to gun for the perfect 16-0, but Belichick will sit the starters around Week 16.
10Masta Ace
A Long Hot Summer

2. Miami Dolphins
Ceiling: 10-6 | Floor: 5-11 | My Prediction: 6-10
The 2016 Miami Dolphins were an apparition. Out of the team’s ten wins, eight of them were by seven or less points, some of the opponents being the Jets, Browns, Rams, and 49ers. While consistently winning tight contests is a sign of a great team to some, the Dolphins aren’t a great team, no matter what Ndamukong Suh says. Ryan “Captain Screen Pass” Tannahill will continue to be Captain Screen Pass, and that won’t beat the AFC heavyweights.

3. Buffalo Bills
Ceiling: 10-6 | Floor: 5-11 | My Prediction: 6-10
Well, the Rex Ryan experiment was fun I guess. The Bills have the potential to surprise a lot of people this year, but they aren’t quite there yet. Tyrod Taylor will be Tyrod Taylor, Lesean McCoy will be Lesean McCoy, Sammy Watkins will play in like six games (if that), the defense will continue to underperform in spite of the amount of big names it fields, and the Bills will finish with just about the same record as they did last year.
12The Fall
This Nation's Saving Grace

4. New York Jets
Ceiling: 5-11 | Floor: 0-16 | My Prediction: 1-15
Yeah these guys are gonna suck next year, no other way to put it. Brandon Marshall? Gone. Eric Decker? Gone. Nick Mangold? Gone. Darrelle Revis? Gone. Ryan Fitzpatrick? Gone. Okay the last two should be gone, but you get the point. The Jets have jettisoned so many of their best players in favor of rebuilding to the point where not only Jets fans, but Jets PLAYERS believe that their higher ups want them to tank. There’s even reports out there that QB Christian Hackenberg has been so bad that he’s accidently hit reporters with some of his throws. All in all, the Jets will most certainly be the worst team in the league next year, with 0-16 not being out of the question.
13David Bowie

1. Oakland Raiders
Ceiling: 13-3 | Floor: 8-8 | My Prediction: 12-4
Expect Derek Carr to be back with a vengeance this year. Last year’s Raiders team was 11-3 before the darkhorse MVP candidate went down with a broken leg. With the additions of Jared Cook and Beastmode to an already high-powered offense, the Raiders should find themselves in a similar position towards the end of this season (except without the broken leg of course). Outside of last year’s DPOY Khalil Mack, there still isn’t much on the Raiders defense, but they’ll be okay, because they have Khalil Mack.
A Moon Shaped Pool

2. Kansas City Chiefs
Ceiling: 12-4 | Floor: 8-8 | My Prediction: 11-5
Looks like Alex Smith’s episode in Kansas City will be coming to an end soon, but most likely not this season. The Chiefs still field one of the league’s best rosters top-to-bottom, even after the departures of Dontari Poe and Jeremy Maclin. However, Alex Smith is still the quarterback and Andy Reid is still the coach, so expect the Chiefs to be a regular season juggernaut who will fall to the first real contender they play in the playoffs, just like they do every year it seems.

3. Los Angeles Chargers
Ceiling: 11-5 | Floor: 5-11 | My Prediction: 7-9
If the Chargers were in a different division (like almost any other division), they could maybe be a playoff team. I have trouble seeing them getting their in this division. Last season, Melvin Gordon played to his draft value, Joey Bosa won DROY, and Hunter Henry emerged as a possible replacement for the seemingly ageless Antonio Gates. In spite of all of that, this team still feels like it’s a year away from being contenders, which isn’t exactly a good thing when you consider Phillip Rivers’ age.
16Linkin Park
The Hunting Party

4. Denver Broncos
Ceiling: 11-5 | Floor: 5-11 | My Prediction: 6-10
I could only imagine the hype around this team if they had somehow acquired Tony Romo, but the thing is, they didn’t. There isn’t really much to look forward to with this team until they figure out the quarterback situation. The defense showed towards the end of last season that it can’t consistently score touchdowns and win games on it’s own every week like it did on that magical 2015 Super Bowl run (honestly who wasn’t expecting that?), and all the sudden noodle-arm Peyton Manning looks much more desireable than Trevor Siemian or Paxton Lynch. While this team could be primed to surprise, I’m not expecting too much.
17Tyler, the Creator
Flower Boy

1. Green Bay Packers
Ceiling: 13-3 | Floor: 7-9 | My Prediction: 11-5
The Packers are going to open the season with a wide receiver starting at running back, a defense that pretty much sucked last year now without future HoF’er Julius Peppers, and without one of their best offensive lineman in recent years (T.J Lang), but when you have a guy like Aaron Rodgers at quarterback, does it even matter? Well for a good portion of last year it kind of did if we're being honest, but it didn’t after Rodgers infamously proclaimed the Packers would “run the table”. Looking at the rest of the NFC North, nobody can really match up with them. You’ll be able to catch the Packers in Lambeau at least once this coming January.
18Massive Attack

2. Minnesota Vikings
Ceiling: 11-5 | Floor: 6-10 | My Prediction: 8-8
This season will be the start of a new era for the Vikings, due to Adrian Peterson no longer being on the team. How will the Vikings respond? Sam Bradford will get a full offseason to really learn the offense which should help him a lot, and the additions of Dalvin Cook and Latavius Murray should resurrect a rushing offense that ranked dead last the previous year. The defense will rock solid as usual. While the team has the ability to give the Packers a run for their money, I see them falling pretty short.
19Kendrick Lamar

3. Detroit Lions
Ceiling: 10-6 | Floor: 5-11 | My Prediction: 6-10
It’s safe to say that Matthew Stafford and the Lions overachieved last year. They couldn’t run the ball, the defense was average at best, and team essentially relied on Matthew Stafford pulling off fourth quarter comebacks every week to make the playoffs. As much as I personally like Stafford, it’s hard to win that many games like that on a consistent basis, so I expect their win total to drop. Ameer Abdullah playing a full season would be a big help, as would Ziggy Ansah making a return to form.

4. Chicago Bears (3-13)
Ceiling: 7-9 | Floor: 2-14 | My Prediction: 3-13
Cutting Jay Cutler was a good idea, signing Mike Glennon was an alright idea, but trading up one spot to pick a guy the team you switched spots with wasn’t going to pick in the first place? Lol. Can’t help but think this Glennon/Trubisky dilemma is going to set the Bears back a couple years. On the brightside, Jordan Howard was an absolute stud last year, but I have a feeling his numbers might look similar to Todd Gurley’s numbers from a year ago because no quarterback. Oh yeah and Alshon Jeffery is gone, not that it even matters at this point.

1. Carolina Panthers
Ceiling: 13-3 | Floor: 6-10 | My Prediction: 11-5
2016 was an absolute nightmare for the Panthers and their fans. Pretty much everything that could go wrong went wrong. There’s too much talent on this team for it to happen two seasons in a row. Ron Rivera said he wants less running and more pocket passing from Cam, and with Christian McCaffrey now pairing with Jonathan Stewart in the backfield, I think Cam will somewhat accomplish that. The defense looks pretty similar to how how it did in 2015, but this year there will be a lot less miscommunication in the secondary. Expecting a bounce back year for Cam and company.
22Marilyn Manson
The Pale Emperor

2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Ceiling: 11-5 | Floor: 6-10 | My Prediction: 10-6
The Bucs have been hyped up a lot this season, and for good reason. Jameis Winston looks like he’s ready to take the next step, and now that Desean Jackson and O.J. Howard are on the team, Mike Evans will get a lot more one-on-one looks. There’s still a lot of questions in the backfield but it should be fine. The Bucs’ defense was top flight down the stretch of last season, leading the league in takeaways during that span. I expect the Bucs to get to 10 wins and at least pick up a wild card spot.
23Kool and Kass
Peaceful Solutions

3. Atlanta Falcons (9-7)
Ceiling: 13-3 | Floor: 7-9 | My Prediction: 9-7
28-3. The offense should be next to unstoppable once again, and Dan Quinn has low key built a defense reminiscent of the LOB in their younger years, but one can’t help but think of that blown 28-3 lead. On paper, the Falcons should find themselves in the same place they were last year. Maybe not all the way in the Super Bowl, but at least in the mix, yet the same was said about last year’s Panthers after their Super Bowl meltdown. The Falcons could very well be that same team they were last year, but I think that loss will hurt them psychologically, translating into a couple losses that shouldn’t have been losses and third place finish.
24The National

4. New Orleans Saints
Ceiling: 10-6 | Floor: 5-11 | My Prediction: 6-10
Drew Brees says he wants to play until he’s 45, but why would he want to do that? The Saints front office continues to fail to bring in anyone that will help him get to the playoffs, and continues to trade away all his favorite targets (Jimmy Graham, Brandin Cooks). The team signed Adrian Peterson five years too late, and the defense is still void of playoff pedigree. Seems like at this point Brees just wants to pad his stats, I mean he has to know that this team isn’t going anywhere right?

1. New York Giants
Ceiling: 12-4 | Floor: 7-9 | My Prediction: 11-5
Not sure if the Giants have ever looked this good on paper during Eli’s career. In fact, it looks so good that Eli is apparently one of the team’s biggest question marks. Eli may be getting old, but he’s gonna be throwing to both OBJ AND Brandon Marshall, and don’t forget Sterling Shepard. The defense was stellar last year (at least during the regular season), and Landon Collins has turned into a complete game changer. There hasn’t been a repeat NFC West champion in I don’t know how many years in a row now, and next year will be no different.
26Jefre Cantu-Ledesma
Love is a Stream

2. Dallas Cowboys
Ceiling: 12-4 | Floor: 7-9 | My Prediction: 9-7
Last August, I, like many others, saw Dak Prescott absolutely light up the preseason. I thought he was so great that I jokingly suggested to my friend (a Cowboys fan) that Romo should be benched for Dak. Then Romo got hurt of course, so Dak was locked in for at least a couple months. Little did I know that he, along with Zeke, would lead the Cowboys to a 13-3 record and the no.1 seed in the NFC, while pretty much kicking Romo off the team in the process. Now that defensive coordinators have a full season’s worth of film on Dak, I don’t think he’ll be as effective, and couple that with the fact that Jerry Jones failed to patch up the secondary, and the Cowboys will narrowly miss the playoffs.
27John Talabot

3. Washington Redskins
Ceiling: 10-6 | Floor: 5-11 | My Prediction: 7-9
I don’t think a single player has ever fucked over their team as hard as Kirk Cousins has fucked over the Redskins. The dude is getting payed like an NBA player now, and next offseason, the Redskins will either have to a) give him the absolutely massive contract he’s been asking for, b) franchise tag him for the third year in a row (34mil guaranteed), c) transition tag him (28mil guaranteed), or d) let him walk and start from scratch at quarterback again. No matter what Dan Snyder chooses, he loses. Really not much else to say other than that the average Redskins will win an average amount of games.
28Earl Sweatshirt
I Don't Like Shit, I Don't Go Outside

4. Philadelphia Eagles
Ceiling: 11-5 | Floor: 5-11 | My Prediction: 5-11
The Eagles should be pretty good next year, well, in theory. Something about this team just doesn’t sit well with me. I like Carson Wentz, and I definitely think he has the potential to be better than Dak one day, but the guys around him concern me. We all know Darren Sproles is gonna do what he does year in and year out, but is it possible for LeGarrette Blount to be successful outside of New England? Can you trust Alshon Jeffery? Where is Ryan Matthews? He has a great o-line and a solid defense, but does Carson Wentz have enough help at the skill positions? Maybe I’m overthinking this a bit, but I’m not liking the Eagles going into this season.
29Travis Scott
Birds in the Trap Sing McKnight

1. Seattle Seahawks
Ceiling: 13-3 | Floor: 8-8 | My Prediction: 12-4
Three years ago, Seattle was on top of the football world. Then that one dude jumped that one route in that one game yeah we all know already. Since then, I think it’s safe to say that they have underperformed, especially after trading for Jimmy Graham, which in hindsight was almost like a precursor to Kevin Durant joining the Warriors. Anyways, the Seahawks still have maybe the most loaded roster in the league (just gonna pretend o-lines don’t matter right here), with essentially all their key players returning. They also picked up Eddie Lacy, who the team hopes can P90X his way into becoming Beast Mode 2.0… but even if that doesn’t happen, I still expect the team to at least win the NFC West.
Hungry for Stink

2. Arizona Cardinals
Ceiling: 11-5 | Floor: 6-10 | My Prediction: 9-7
No disrespect to the rest of the team here, but it’s gonna be the David Johnson show. It will have to be if the Cardinals want a shot at the playoffs. Carson Palmer showed major signs of aging last season, and I’m not sure how Larry Fitzgerald is supposed to keep being Larry Fitzgerald after all these years. Arizona also lost Calais Campbell and Tony Jefferson in free agency, so there will be some holes in the defense. In spite of all this, I think Bruce Arians can lead the team to a winning record, and maybe more if everything goes right.
31The Avalanches
Since I Left You

3. San Francisco 49ers
Ceiling: 7-9 | Floor: 2-14 | My Prediction: 4-12
The 49ers are more than likely gonna suck next year, but that’s perfectly fine. John Lynch and Kyle Shanahan seem like they have a plan, and judging by this past offseason, it looks like they are on the right track. Brian Hoyer (yes Brian Hoyer) will keep the Niners somewhat competitive, while a promising young defense slowly but surely makes a name for itself. After virtually throwing away the last two seasons, it seems like things are finally looking up for the 49ers.
Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

4. Los Angeles Rams
Ceiling: 7-9 | Floor 2-14 | My Prediction: 3-13
It’s probably too soon to say, but I do not believe in Jared Goff. He’s shown absolutely nothing that indicates he was worth the #1 overall pick a year ago, even with Todd Gurley taking literally all possible pressure off of him with just his presence in the backfield. You can’t really blame it all on Goff though. The dude has nobody to throw to (please stop trying to make Tavon Austin a WR1 it’s just not working guys), and his offensive line was mediocre at best (they did sign Andrew Whitworth though). The defense will be very good but not good enough to carry the team, and Sean McVay will disappoint in his first season as head coach.
The Shape of Punk to Come

1. New England Patriots (15-1)
2. Oakland Raiders (12-4)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4)
4. Tennessee Titans (11-5)
5. Kansas City Chiefs (11-5)
6. Houston Texans (10-6)
34Do Make Say Think
Stubborn Persistent Illusions

1. Seattle Seahawks (12-4)
2. Green Bay Packers (11-5)
3. New York Giants (11-5)
4. Carolina Panthers (11-5)
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (10-6)
6. Arizona Cardinals (9-7) [Somehow beat the Cowboys in a tie breaker don't ask me lol]
35Vince Staples
Big Fish Theory

The playoff pictures and all the records come from this full season pick-em thingy that I did. You can do your own here:
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