Review Summary: What is metal? Ah.
Pericles of Athens first defined metal as a music genre composed primarily of electric guitar riffs and drumming. Around the time of the first crusade, Pope Urban II decreed that metal is “just hard rock, but harder m/”. However, the most important development in defining and understanding metal would not come until the 18th century in Enlightenment-era France. It is there and then that a mysterious scholar identified only as KILL managed to analyse and break down metal into its simplest components, namely: fists, trems, chodes and piss. Unfortunately, this forefather of metal study suffered an untimely demise at the hands of a vicious but obscure ring of child traffickers known only as Periphery. Nevertheless, it was thanks to him that modern research on metal really kicked into gear, and after another couple centuries of scientific study and philosophical exploration, Richard Feynmann famously announced that “metal is all about manliness”.
In other words, metal is a man’s genre. Metal is music by men, for men. Therefore it stands to reason that for a metal album to be particularly strong, it needs to exude and project its manliness unto the listener and affect them thusly. Put plainly, if your son listens to a metal album, he shall become a man. If your daughter listens to a metal album, she shall become a man. If the old lady two doors down who herds cats and occasionally wants to let you in on gossip from her crocheting club listens to a metal album, she shall become a man. Not an old man with dentures and frail hips, but a real man, a man’s man, virile and muscle bound like a classical greek statue, with chiseled abs, meaty buttocks and a long, hard, throbbing, juicy
Anyway. Znowhite is a metal band. They are quite manly. As I trust my readership to be of the scholarly persuasion, I’m sure you have already inferred that they are therefore a good band within the genre. Specifically, Znowhite is a thrash band which already gives them an inherent, natural edge in terms of fists and piss when compared to other bands from non-thrash species of metal. Act of God is their first and only studio album before disbanding, although some members would go on to form another thrash band called Cyclone Temple, but that’s a story for another time.
As far as fists are concerned, this record certainly provides them in ample supply, from riffs to gang shouts and everything in between. The breakdown intro to Pure Blood as well as the intro to A Soldier’s Creed are perhaps the most poignant examples. Also noteworthy is the rare “storm of fists” phenomenon observable throughout the track Thunderdome. Since this band does not do a whole lot of chundering, most of the piss comes from the vocals. Discount Joey Belladonna provides a modestly pissed scream, but luckily the aforementioned backing shouts offer some support on this front.
There isn’t much to be said about trems, as most riffs are quite good though not overly technical or otherwise spectacular. Worth mentioning however is the bass, which is surprisingly audible, and which does shine through on tracks like War Machine and Rest in Peace, adding some much needed depth and variety. On the topic of chodes, the drumming is fairly strong. The mixing is somewhat suspect, with the bass drums being relatively quiet and the snare substantially punchier but this works in the music’s advantage, as every time the drummer hits the snare it feels like your chode is getting slapped by an even bigger chode. Very cool.
Taking into account all of the above, our panel of experts strongly recommends this album as a cheap, natural option to alleviate, mitigate and rectify the effects of: male pattern baldness, hair loss, muscular dystrophy, anorexia, beer gut, chin deficiency, erectile dysfunction and tumblr. We are legally not allowed to recommend this album as a doping supplement or substitute for athletes, underground gladiator matches or military and paramilitary groups. However, we are testing the effects on this album as a potential alternative to hormone replacement therapy for transgender men. If you would like to participate in our next clinical trial, sign up below!
