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Old 09-08-2004, 04:18 PM   #1
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Forever More-please crit

Ok...this is my first song ever so please be nice to it.

Intro
Verse
Riff
Verse
Chorus (plays twice)
Riff
Solo (over verse progression) about 50s long (need to write on paper still)
Verse
Chorus
Verse
Riff (fade out during repeat)


All this **** I hold within
I just canít keep takiní it
And every single word you say
Hurts me deeply anyway

Hanginí at the old town park
Thought that we would never part
Then there was that lonesome day
The sky was dark the clouds turned gray

(like) adding salt onto the wound
Like feasting on my long dead flesh
You will always drain my soul
Life carries on forever more
Like adding salt onto the wound
Like feasting on my long dead flesh
You will always drain my soul
Life carries on forever more

Now that you are dead and gone
It seems that my life can go on
Learn a lesson everyday
Must we go or can we stay?

(like) adding salt onto the wound
Like feasting on my long dead flesh
You will always drain my soul
Life carries on forever more
Like adding salt onto the wound
Like feasting on my long dead flesh
You will always drain my soul
Life carries on forever more

Life goes on despite the loss
Nothing comes without a cost
Lying dead upon the cross
When water then begins to frost


Ok...that's it lemme know if you want chords posted for it, starts out at half-time for intro then steps into power chords punkish 150 bpm for the song.
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Old 09-08-2004, 04:31 PM   #2
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Its was going so good until you started talking about eating flesh. Why? Why? Why? That is like the most suicidal thing you could ever do while writing this song! CUT IT OUT NOW!

The last too verse/paragraphs after are not as strong as the first two. I think if you do whatever you did while writing the first two youll make them better as well, just change that refrain and youll have yourself a song my friend.

I dont think its sounds much like Zepplin, but its good.
 
Old 09-08-2004, 06:56 PM   #3
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pretty decent. change the swear word on the first line. Songs without swearings shows more skills
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Old 09-08-2004, 07:14 PM   #4
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thats kik *** ma friend i like it couldnt make a beat outta the flesh stuff thou though
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Old 09-10-2004, 11:17 PM   #5
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i like at first how the verses are kind of normal imagery and then the chorus is really morbid. this would be a good way to continue the song but it kind of ruined that feeling when you kept the morbid theme in the next verse and so on...
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Old 09-12-2004, 02:18 PM   #6
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i liked it until this verse

Now that you are dead and gone
It seems that my life can go on
Learn a lesson everyday
Must we go or can we stay?

the first two lines of that are so cliche. it just kind of ruined it for me

i did like these lines quite a bit though:

Then there was that lonesome day
The sky was dark the clouds turned gray

those seemed to flow pretty well and kind of stuck out to me. i do like this one better than "eulogy"
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Old 11-23-2004, 06:19 PM   #7
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bump...now you all can see how crap I used to be

I still want crits
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Old 11-23-2004, 06:21 PM   #8
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Jeepers... I think I read this ages ago when I first joined (I remembered the flesh-eating crap) but figured it was such crap I wouldn't critique it. Come on zep... but you certainly have improved
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Old 11-23-2004, 06:23 PM   #9
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I agree. whats with the flesh eating!? shall we all bump our first songs and annoy everyone?
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Old 11-23-2004, 06:26 PM   #10
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I still like that line

Anyways, it flows well and was written to the music...I still like it...but the lyrics are atrocious
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Old 11-23-2004, 06:26 PM   #11
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of course, we should. And this sig is dedicated to zep's song:

***************************************
Oh, I didn't realise that you wrote poetry
I didn't realise you wrote such bloody awful poetry

***************************************
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Old 11-23-2004, 06:28 PM   #12
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ritey ho, now look what we've started :unleashes early work:

i feel that may be a little harsh (and amusing) morrissey
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Old 11-23-2004, 06:42 PM   #13
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And if you should die
I may feel slightly sad
(But I won't cry)


^--------- no, that would be harsh. Zep knows I <3 him anyways.
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Old 11-23-2004, 06:56 PM   #14
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[url=o] [/url]
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Old 11-23-2004, 07:01 PM   #15
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Was that really your first song ever? Shit, you've come a long way. Haha you were just like every other noob...posting the whole order of the song and everything, saying how you play everything.

I guess this is to everyone who still tells you to dumb down your songs? Morons, I hope they all see this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zep
I still want crits
Eh, I've got to...erm...go...right now. So maybe later.
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Old 11-23-2004, 07:02 PM   #16
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haha sorry to ruin another one of your threads... here is a quote to cheer you up (...or just so you don't 'wall' me ):

No, it's not like any other love
This one is different - because it's us


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Old 11-23-2004, 07:04 PM   #17
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whos in love?

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Old 11-23-2004, 07:08 PM   #18
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How can they see the Love in our eyes
And still they don't believe us ?


me and zep, only he don't know it yet .
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Old 11-23-2004, 07:10 PM   #19
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Oh well...it was a good attempt at a spamless thread
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Old 11-23-2004, 07:11 PM   #20
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aw come on. can't i get a bit of bitch love on the side?

you should have posted this when mozza wasnt around.
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Old 11-23-2004, 07:12 PM   #21
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but... didn't you read... my nice comments... zep... I give up
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Old 11-23-2004, 07:18 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theredwonder
aw come on. can't i get a bit of bitch love on the side?

you should have posted this when mozza wasnt around.
NEWS ALERT

I will be away for 4 hours on Dec. 16th driving back home... everyone will have a 4 hour time slot to post threads without risk of being hijacked by Mozza... but when I get to my comp at home, watch out
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