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Old 11-07-2008, 06:22 PM   #5
ATC
Thru leaves,over bridges
 
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 6,746
RAR- 1
It's a mouthful, eh? I like the idea of there being a disconnect between the mind and the page. The body as an imperfect vessel for the mind. The mind is both the originator and the translator according to your song (which is a point you'll need to make but not quite so rushed) The mind voting on the word gives it a strange sort of agency. What are the two sides on the issue? I'd avoid using direct similes and saying like. I'd suggest for the last stanza, with the hungover to play up the staccato nature of your thoughts. Single pointed words maybe?
Surtr- 2
I'm not sure what the uneven line lengths are doing for you. If you have one or two word lines with that structure, you want those words to pack all the emotional power possible. Of drugs isn't doing that. Used to say it in such a way. What way? The ending isn't subtle at all but you're going for the sort of lyric where that isn't the point. Avoid saying 'and' multiple times in a line if you can. Now the last line sort of wants to invoke the dad who is on the other side of the tinted glass (why that?) The dad does not have any markers to evoke him and by the time we get to the end, he's almost forgotten.
Powerban- 3
Sounds thrashy. I'm not sure I can find a coherent narrative in this yet. Is this a married couple/divorce song, a violent breakup song, a societal angst song? The song has to make up its mind.
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