Permettez-moi d'embrasser vos pieds
 

Arrive under the cover of night
A thousand miles in the blink of an eye.

Father Orange lays each fragment in place
A mosaic of light, reflects
The blood on the tracks

We march into her throat
Flames cover the shoreline
She smiles wryly;
‘I’ve been waiting for you. I felt your breath from across the steppe’.

Encircle the ivory tower
A fragile dome stands for millennia.
Father Orange leans out;
‘Respect the Lord, my Father is your Father.
I am your Father’.

Permettez-moi d'embrasser vos pieds

Do you remember Thessaloniki?
Cobbled streets engraved with tongues,
The Call to Prayer
Grinds against the mosaic.
The dome shatters.

Smyrna burns.

lol.

All I can say is, "what?"

Yeah you shouldn't use strange words in my opinion, it gives off a sort of power metal vibe, or something

wtf is this

It's awesome, that's what it is. Turkish history in poety-form.

[quote]Yeah you shouldn't use strange words in my opinion, it gives off a sort of power metal vibe, or something[/quote]
what strange words? if you're talking about thessaloniki or smyrna, then rofl

What are proper nouns?

what?

[quote=Mikedrummer;17204954]Yeah you shouldn't use strange words in my opinion, it gives off a sort of power metal vibe, or something[/quote]
Those words don't sound english?! They must be commie words!

maybe i should post that summary i gave you aaron, or maybe not, we can just lol at pixiesfanyo

lol @ him

[QUOTE=rasputin;17205322]what strange words? if you're talking about thessaloniki or smyrna, then rofl[/QUOTE]

it reads like a tolkien poem or something idk

The poem relates to Turkish history and those are actual places. Would you rather I use their Turkish names of Selanik and Izmir, or the anglicized Salonica, so they aren't as strange?

i'd rather you not write.

Dude like, this is alright but some of it is pretty cliche.

yeah i realise the smyrna burns line is pretty cliche, but it's directly referring to a great fire, what else was i meant to do.
pretty much every line in this refers to some historical event, place or person (except father orange's dialogue). i just dont take well to idiocy from smug pricks like dillon.

kitsch, if you read this, i'd like your opinion

word

jared criticized you though, he knows everything

i'm not being a smug prick. this doesn't work. the vocabulary choices make it hard to stomach and the pointless nature of the writing is the worst. you're not the first one to summarize a historical event in prose and the fact that you're willing to defend something so stupid is hilarious. especially when you have lines like "Smyrna burns." and don't expect those to come of as funny, stupid, childish and all around bad.

yes you are being a smug prick. instead of giving me some friendly criticism you just act like a dickhead. i'm not claiming this to be an amazing piece of writing, which is why i posted it here, but i will defend myself when i'm ridiculed. this was more of an attempt to convey personal history, and it was my very first attempt, so naturally it may not all together 'work' as a poem. if you're just going to be a cunt i'd rather you just **** off.

[QUOTE=pixiesfanyo;17214041]i'm not being a smug prick. this doesn't work. the vocabulary choices make it hard to stomach and the pointless nature of the writing is the worst. you're not the first one to summarize a historical event in prose and the fact that you're willing to defend something so stupid is hilarious. especially when you have lines like "Smyrna burns." and don't expect those to come of as funny, stupid, childish and all around bad.[/QUOTE]
boo

[QUOTE=rasputin;17215265]yes you are being a smug prick. instead of giving me some friendly criticism you just act like a dickhead. i'm not claiming this to be an amazing piece of writing, which is why i posted it here, but i will defend myself when i'm ridiculed. this was more of an attempt to convey personal history, and it was my very first attempt, so naturally it may not all together 'work' as a poem. if you're just going to be a squirrel i'd rather you just **** off.[/QUOTE]

Chill dude, it's just his opinion. I think using the sort of other language words and historical places is a bad idea in general, it's just kind of cheesey IMO. Then again I don't know everything about writing so i'm sure there are merits to it I don't see.

I like it. It's an very romantic/traditional style of writing and while some the imagery may come off as textbook, I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing. The whole appeal of romanticism is nostalgia and a sense of 'seen it before', which the lyrics capture, and I assume that was what you were going for.

My Gran live in Thessaloníki, so I can relate too, ha.

Question though, are those French words as well?

I think they translate into "Allow me to embrase your feet"

I lolled.
Pieds are feet right?

It was meant to say 'Let me kiss your feet'. I asked someone who had some knowledge of French whether it was grammatically correct, and he said he thought it was, I haven't checked to make sure though.

[quote]while some the imagery may come off as textbook[/quote]
true, but I'd give 9000 internets to anyone (except Aaron) who can actually guess exactly what my imagery is alluding to :P

why would you be happy if no one has any idea about what you are alluding to and the poem sounds more like an essay with how much you are describing static events?

Quite the sh[i]i[/i]tstorm in here, huh?

I liked the poem. The last line might be a little too melodromatic, but really that isn't enough to make me have a problem with this piece. Very nice imagery, and despite the fact that I don't know about the historical relevance, I still enjoyed this.

[QUOTE=pixiesfanyo;17216117]why would you be happy if no one has any idea about what you are alluding to and [B]the poem sounds more like an essay with how much you are describing static events?[/B][/QUOTE]

master of exaggerations

[quote]why would you be happy if no one has any idea about what you are alluding to and the poem sounds more like an essay with how much you are describing static events?[/quote]
my parents got pretty much all of the imagery so maybe check to see if you know what the **** you're talking about before making a dumbarse comment. just don't post in this thread anymore, it's obvious you didn't like the poem so why do you keep coming back.


also is the french line wrong? can someone correct it if it is. i met a french guy at work today but i forgot to ask him.

[quote=catharsis]I liked the poem. The last line might be a little too melodromatic, but really that isn't enough to make me have a problem with this piece. Very nice imagery, and despite the fact that I don't know about the historical relevance, I still enjoyed this.[/quote]
thanks for the kind words

[QUOTE=pixiesfanyo;17216117]why would you be happy if no one has any idea about what you are alluding to and the poem sounds more like an essay with how much you are describing static events?[/QUOTE]

you don't know what you're talking about

[QUOTE=rasputin;17217116]my parents got pretty much all of the imagery so maybe check to see if you know what the **** you're talking about before making a dumbarse comment. just don't post in this thread anymore, it's obvious you didn't like the poem so why do you keep coming back.


also is the french line wrong? can someone correct it if it is. i met a french guy at work today but i forgot to ask him.[/QUOTE]

It's right.
I just checked Larousse, and s'embrasser is "To Kiss".

[QUOTE=rasputin;17217116]
also is the french line wrong? can someone correct it if it is. i met a french guy at work today but i forgot to ask him.[/QUOTE]

i don't see how you can defend this when you have to ask someone to put a french line in your piece.

why do you put french in a piece if you don't know french?

i don't really think i'm being an asshole. i said lol because it sounds like something a stoned 13 year old would conjure up, but the only reason i've really said anything is because you called me a smug prick and kind of alluded to me having no idea about anything and that is why i don't like this.

that isn't it at all. i've been posting in this s&l forum for probably twice as much as you and i see pieces like this all the time. they are trite. they are pointless and when i feel like commenting on them i do. i remember when i used to write like this so i'm speaking from experience that if you are wasting a line with bullshit foreign languages you have no clue about than chances are the piece is horse ****.

I have more posts, ergo I win.

[QUOTE=pixiesfanyo;17217905]i don't see how you can defend this when you have to ask someone to put a french line in your piece.

why do you put french in a piece if you don't know french?

i don't really think i'm being an spatula. i said lol because it sounds like something a stoned 13 year old would conjure up, but the only reason i've really said anything is because you called me a smug prick and kind of alluded to me having no idea about anything and that is why i don't like this.

that isn't it at all. i've been posting in this s&l forum for probably twice as much as you and i see pieces like this all the time. they are trite. they are pointless and when i feel like commenting on them i do. i remember when i used to write like this so i'm speaking from experience that if you are wasting a line with bullpoop foreign languages you have no clue about than chances are the piece is horse ****.[/QUOTE]

wasting a line with bullshit foreign languages?

it's just in a different language you have no idea of the intention behind it so stop trying to use that to inform your judgement

and never read ezra pound

[quote]i don't see how you can defend this when you have to ask someone to put a french line in your piece[/quote]
i have to ask someone because i don't speak french, obviously
[quote]why do you put french in a piece if you don't know french?[/quote]
because the line being in french obviously relates to something, dolt
[quote]i don't really think i'm being an spatula. i said lol because it sounds like something a stoned 13 year old would conjure up, but the only reason i've really said anything is because you called me a smug prick and kind of alluded to me having no idea about anything and that is why i don't like this.[/quote]
yeah you are being spatula. instead of saying 'i didn't like this poem because such and such' you ridiculed me, both here and in the review site thread. that's pretty much the definition of arsehole, smug prick, or whatever have you
[quote]that isn't it at all. i've been posting in this s&l forum for probably twice as much as you and i see pieces like this all the time[/quote]
oh okay i didn't know sputnik music was the authority on poetry
[quote]they are trite. they are pointless and when i feel like commenting on them i do. i remember when i used to write like this so i'm speaking from experience that if you are wasting a line with bullpoop foreign languages you have no clue about than chances are the piece is horse ****.[/quote]
if you used to write like this then it makes you look like an idiot to criticise me so harshly. and as i mentioned before, there is a significance to why i used a foreign language, and me not knowing how to speak that particular language has nothing to do with it. stop trying to bullshit your way through a criticism.

anyway, i'm completely fine with you not liking this. parts of it i don't like all that much myself, and i have already accepted that certain lines are overly melodramatic and possibly far over the border of lame. i think the deeper meaning behind it is needed to actually appreciate what the poem is saying, but i'm sure that won't interest you.

it's not the best thing i've written, and i can assure you that not all my poetry is like this. maybe next time try to be a little nice before you go plunging into something with some preconceived notions of superiority.

[QUOTE=pixiesfanyo;17217905]i don't see how you can defend this when you have to ask someone to put a french line in your piece.

why do you put french in a piece if you don't know french?[/quote]
awesome criticism dude

[quote]i don't really think i'm being an spatula.[/quote]
thats because your opinion has always been one of the furthest things from existence ever

[quote] i said lol because it sounds like something a stoned 13 year old would conjure up,[/quote]
again, no, you exaggerate everything to sound cool because you're a pompous ***

[quote]but the only reason i've really said anything is because you called me a smug prick[/quote]
you arent a smug prick?

[quote] and kind of alluded to me having no idea about anything and that is why i don't like this.[/quote]
you dont like a poem for personal reasons? cry moar fag

[quote]that isn't it at all. i've been posting in this s&l forum for probably twice as much as you[/quote]
[size=7]OH EM GEE[/size]

[quote]and i see pieces like this all the time.[/quote]
been here for a while too, no you dont, shut up, go make out with burt you queer

[quote]they are trite. they are pointless[/quote]
no, you just dont like the kid, its really obvious

[quote]and when i feel like commenting on them i do.[/quote]
and you say a bunch of petty **** that doesn't make sense in an attempt to seem better than people

[quote]i remember when i used to write like this so i'm speaking from experience that if you are wasting a line with bullpoop foreign languages you have no clue about than chances are the piece is horse ****.[/QUOTE]
great reasoning there dude, it almost made sense

i think the part where you were like I DID IT BEFORE YOU AND I DONT LIKE THAT STUFF ANYMORE really gave your criticism validity

deathcore