[QUOTE=GaggingOrder]I intended to leave all the past behing before next school year, because I'll be going to an all new school, but I might fail in a few aspects, and have to leave all behind before the year after that, where I'll be at [I]another[/I] school.

That's more or less the story behind my two screen names, EvenStillRix and GaggingOrder.[/QUOTE]

I'm afraid nothing could possibly change what you really are...

Yeah, but I intend to forget the things that I shouldn't care about (Rix) and hopefully drop some bad habits, and think before I speak/act.

[QUOTE=Stoic]I'm afraid nothing could possibly change what you really are...[/QUOTE]

Stoic does have a point. I move a lot, everytime I tell myself I will leave my old self behind, that I wont be the unusually shy person I am. But everytime my shy nature creeps out against my will :-/

[QUOTE=GaggingOrder]Yeah, but I intend to forget the things that I shouldn't care about (Rix) and hopefully drop some bad habits, and think before I speak/act.[/QUOTE]

controlling yourself and thoughts is not an easy thing to do :(

Yeah, but I've been practicing.


I used a lot of my last school year just trying out stupid things, saying stupid things, doing stupid things, just to get confirmation on exactly how not to act.

I used my peers as test mice for my retarded experimetns because I disliked them all anyway.

[QUOTE=Kingofdudes]Stoic does have a point. I move a lot, everytime I tell myself I will leave my old self behind, that I wont be the unusually shy person I am. But everytime my shy nature creeps out against my will :-/[/QUOTE]

da[I]m[/I]n this shyness. It doesnt let me be and makes new relationships impossible :upset:

[QUOTE=Stoic] suspect it's a big disappointment about everything. You know something happens and becomes the handle to go back and re evaluate your whole life. You realize your mistakes, start feeling guilty about the lost time, you feel there's no way out.[/QUOTE]
If that is what depression is then I suffer from depression

[QUOTE=Six Foot Revolver]If that is what depression is then I suffer from depression[/QUOTE]

heh, then everyone is suffering from depression :p. The point is not to feel down all the time I think

I used to suffer from depression when my step father was abusive but all that changed when I stood up to him a year ago.

[QUOTE=clearvision]I would also like this to happen. I am confused by the state of mind that depression brings and how it affects people and it just amazes me that depression actually occurs and is classed as a disease. I've tried reading up on it and most people say it's all chemical related, while I can believe some of this I really think it is triggered by a bad state of mind and it can be fixed by psycology. 'Cause even when people are on pills they still feel down and stuff. I can't really see myself having depression so I'd really like to see what it is like.[/QUOTE]

You need to go through it to understand it, I'm not some little fag who will blame all my problems with behavior on somebody/something else, and try to cure them with medication, I regularly go to counseling for anger problems, anxiety problems, and depression, and I might have to start taking medication as well as go to counseling, also, trust me, YOU DO NOT want to see what it's like, episodes of depression are horrible, last relapse I had, I couldn't think about anything other than things I've done wrong, the whole time I couldn't pay attention to a single thing other than any bad choice I had made in the past 4 months. And then when I came out of that, I just flipped, and punched holes in my wall and such, it's nto fun, it's absolutely aweful, I try not to even think about how I feel at those times, cause I just get totally detatched, and I don't even care about how I treat my family and stuff in that state.... it's no fun.

[QUOTE]I used to suffer from depression when my step father was abusive but all that changed when I stood up to him a year ago.[/QUOTE]:thumb:

[QUOTE]You need to go through it to understand it, I'm not some little fag who will blame all my problems with behavior on somebody/something else, and try to cure them with medication, I regularly go to counseling for anger problems, anxiety problems, and depression, and I might have to start taking medication as well as go to counseling, also, trust me, YOU DO NOT want to see what it's like, episodes of depression are horrible, last relapse I had, I couldn't think about anything other than things I've done wrong, the whole time I couldn't pay attention to a single thing other than any bad choice I had made in the past 4 months. And then when I came out of that, I just flipped, and punched holes in my wall and such, it's nto fun, it's absolutely aweful, I try not to even think about how I feel at those times, cause I just get totally detatched, and I don't even care about how I treat my family and stuff in that state.... it's no fun.[/QUOTE]I've never had anything nearly that bad. I've been depressed, but only to a certain controlled point, luckily.

I Am Vikingcore

I wasn't accusing you of bieng false with it. But when people close to you are going through depression and it affects you directly it is ridiculously annoying to not have any understanding of it at all. I wouldn't like to have depression as i cans ee it is hell, but I would like an insight so i could be a little mroe in tune with what people around with me are going through.

[QUOTE=GaggingOrder]:thumb:

I've never had anything nearly that bad. I've been depressed, but only to a certain controlled point, luckily.[/QUOTE]

I've only been like that 3 times that I can think of.

When my older brother Jay used to abuse me on a regular basis (we got him commited thank God), when one of my best "friends" basically made fun of me in front of the whole school and treated me like a piece of ****, and told all kinds of secrets about me, and when Lindsay and I broke up.

[QUOTE=clearvision]I Am Vikingcore

I wasn't accusing you of bieng false with it. But when people close to you are going through depression and it affects you directly it is ridiculously annoying to not have any understanding of it at all. I wouldn't like to have depression as i cans ee it is hell, but I would like an insight so i could be a little mroe in tune with what people around with me are going through.[/QUOTE]

true. You cant help people effectively unless you've experienced what they're going through. I just fantasize about having depression and try to identify with the emotions I assume I would have.

The most depressing three times were:

A. When I had to leave my first school
B. When I had to leave my second school
C. When I realized that I suck at life.

750 posts OMGlol.

[QUOTE=I Am Vikingcore]You need to go through it to understand it, I'm not some little fag who will blame all my problems with behavior on somebody/something else, and try to cure them with medication, I regularly go to counseling for anger problems, anxiety problems, and depression, and I might have to start taking medication as well as go to counseling, also, trust me, YOU DO NOT want to see what it's like, episodes of depression are horrible, last relapse I had, I couldn't think about anything other than things I've done wrong, the whole time I couldn't pay attention to a single thing other than any bad choice I had made in the past 4 months. And then when I came out of that, I just flipped, and punched holes in my wall and such, it's nto fun, it's absolutely aweful, I try not to even think about how I feel at those times, cause I just get totally detatched, and I don't even care about how I treat my family and stuff in that state.... it's no fun.[/QUOTE]

That sounds like bipolar disorder, going from one extreme to the next that fluidly.

My brother actually has a minor case of that. Not fun.

[QUOTE=Stoic]true. You cant help people effectively unless you've experienced what they're going through. I just fantasize about having depression and try to identify with the emotions I assume I would have.[/QUOTE]

It's not even just helping. I just want to be able to say yeah OK that's what your going through. Instead of questioning them, what does it feel like? Whya re you depressed? etc...

Whenever i get low I can just think through why I'm feeling low, and plan to put it right the next day.

[QUOTE=Steerpike]That sounds like bipolar disorder, going from one extreme to the next that fluidly.

My brother actually has a minor case of that. Not fun.[/QUOTE]

so is bi polar depression a form of obsession?

[QUOTE=clearvision]It's not even just helping. I just want to be able to say yeah OK that's what your going through. Instead of questioning them, what does it feel like? Whya re you depressed? etc...

Whenever i get low I can just think through why I'm feeling low, and plan to put it right the next day.[/QUOTE]

It can be kind of not feeling anything at all, and knowing that you won't again but wanting it to stop. Even when you're happy it can feel like you're looking at yourself being happy and you're going to snap out of it soon. A moment of happiness is just a moment but a moment when you're down can stay with you and lead to you feeling worse and worse and worse. I think that's tied in with my self-esteem problems though, it may be just me.

[QUOTE=Stoic]so is bi polar depression a form of obsession?[/QUOTE]

Not really. Bipolar disorder is basically when external events result in a chemical imbalance. The result is that you go through a period of either depression or mania for about 2 weeks to a month before dramatically going to the opposite extreme. The point of change can be gradual, but in some people it can take place in less than 24 hours.

Essentially, you go in cycles once the episode starts. You either experience an emotional void and then a sudden flood of almost uncontrollable emotion and energy, or the other way around.

The episodes are triggered by much the same things as what starts a regular depressive episode.

[QUOTE=evilmenhavenosongs]I think that's tied in with my self-esteem problems though, it may be just me.[/QUOTE]

Yes and no. Depression can lead to self-esteem issues because the person tends to focus more on their mistakes than their triumphs.

Whenever I've been asked to list my good qualities, I need to stop and think about it. Whenever I'm told to list my regrets or bad qualities, a dozen things fly into my head every second.

[QUOTE=evilmenhavenosongs] I think that's tied in with my self-esteem problems though, it may be just me.[/QUOTE]

No, I have had the same things explained to me. I just would like to have an insight into it, do understand why it occurs. Which would then help me feel less useless when people are talking to me about problems, but it would also help me notice if I ever get symptoms and help me avoid falling into bigger problems (I hope).

Some one told me I probably have uni-polar depression. What is this? Is this staying in one state or gradually changing or something?

[QUOTE=Steerpike]Not really. Bipolar disorder is basically when external events result in a chemical imbalance. The result is that you go through a period of either depression or mania for about 2 weeks to a month before dramatically going to the opposite extreme. The point of change can be gradual, but in some people it can take place in less than 24 hours.

Essentially, you go in cycles once the episode starts. You either experience an emotional void and then a sudden flood of almost uncontrollable emotion and energy, or the other way around.

The episodes are triggered by much the same things as what starts a regular depressive episode.
[/QUOTE]

I see. I've read about it, the term differs a bit in greek. Roughly translated it's called manic depression.

[QUOTE=evilmenhavenosongs]Even when you're happy [B]it can feel like you're looking at yourself being happy[/B] and you're going to snap out of it soon[/QUOTE]

Is it something like an inner self of your looks at yourself that happy moment and make it feel hollow or something?...(hope it makes sense)

[QUOTE=Steerpike]The episodes are triggered by much the same things as what starts a regular depressive episode.[/QUOTE]
What triggers it normally?

[QUOTE=Steerpike]Yes and no. Depression can lead to self-esteem issues because the person tends to focus more on their mistakes than their triumphs.

Whenever I've been asked to list my good qualities, I need to stop and think about it. Whenever I'm told to list my regrets or bad qualities, a dozen things fly into my head every second.[/QUOTE]

I can't list my good qualities because I instantly think of people who have them better, how I don't use them to the effect I should or times when I've messed them up completely. That and I wouldn't do it even if I thought of them because I would be terrified of people seeing me as arrogant, for the same reason I'll never accept a compliment and just put myself down even more. Hurrah for paranoia.

[QUOTE=Stoic]Is it something like an inner self of your looks at yourself that happy moment and make it feel hollow or something?...(hope it makes sense)[/QUOTE]

Ugh, it's difficult. It's like you can almost see yourself laughing and doing these things but you can't feel them deep inside, pretty much what you said, I don't know. It's difficult.

[QUOTE=GaggingOrder]Some one told me I probably have uni-polar depression. What is this? Is this staying in one state or gradually changing or something?[/QUOTE]

It's essentially what I have. Instead of being grounded at the center of the emotional spectrum, your mind is anchored further toward depression.

I've been near-suicidal in my life, but I've never been better than okay. I've never been euphorically happy in my life.

[QUOTE=Moses]What triggers it normally?[/QUOTE]

I suppose anything would trigger it. Even dropping a glass of water or hitting your arm somewhere could make you think of what a worthless person you are and how miserable life you live.

[QUOTE=Moses]What triggers it normally?[/QUOTE]

Lots of things. Trauma, stress, extreme sadness or rage, prolonged boredom. Whatever it takes to get the ball rolling.

[QUOTE=Stoic]I suppose anything would trigger it. Even dropping a glass of water or hitting your arm somewhere could make you think of what a worthless person you are and how miserable life you live.[/QUOTE]

It's rarely so extreme. For the most part, it needs to have much more impact on you to get things started.

I'm just wondering because my girlfriend has a mild case of bi-polar depression. She's usually extrememly happy or sad. It's really hard to get her out of it because she doesn't care enough to make an effort to get out of the depression she's in.

[QUOTE=evilmenhavenosongs]I can't list my good qualities because I instantly think of people who have them better, how I don't use them to the effect I should or times when I've messed them up completely. That and I wouldn't do it even if I thought of them because I would be terrified of people seeing me as arrogant, for the same reason I'll never accept a compliment and just put myself down even more. Hurrah for paranoia.[/QUOTE]

could this behavior be a result of poor self knowledge and lack of self confidence?