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Oh man...same avatar craziness. Joel (PDWAB) did that to me for Halloween and it killed me :(

So anyone want to do me a [I]huge[/I] favor and just read [url=http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10346968&postcount=4]this[/url] over and tell me if it's even decent? Like whether it's a plausible start or whether I ought to scrap it. More feedback is appreciated, of course, but at the least I'd like an outside perspective on it. Thanks. :)

/is zep if that garners any favors (a)

Hmmmm, I loathe the All-American Rejects, simply because the lyrics to Swing, Swing make me want to vomit... I've heard worse lyrics, but those particular ones are so juvenile and petty that I can't even entertain the rest of their stuff.

While we're discussing poppy bands, I got my tickets through today for The Starting Line/MxPx gig - I'm quite looking forward to it, as it's the first gig I'll have been to since LostProphets/Avenged Sevenfold/The Bronx managed to put me off going to live shows for about a year.

It's also going to be my first experience with the 'scene', although I'm not sure TSL are cool enough to be scene... either way, I'll probably be the oldest one there by a clear three years. :-\

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been around here lately, just so much going on in R&M what with the new Elitists and then a lot of schoolwork, but finally, free time.

Jason, what was wrong with the Lostprohets/A7X/Bronx show? Surely it wasn't A7X...

Also, I got the new In Flames album [I]Come Clarity[/I], which is due out February 7th, it's amazing.

[QUOTE=metaliq]Thanks.

You know... I dont mind if you call me Konrad. Kinda flatured.[/QUOTE]

wow.... i feel like a dumbass....
:upset:
OH WELL
thank you metaliq for the suggestion :thumb:

It's weird that factor46 and I have never actually held a conversation before. Very weird.

hes a fun man to talk to, haha

[url]http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=410796[/url]

[QUOTE=ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]i like everything except you should go into detail around the second to last paragraph, the one that discribes her giving up.
Aside from that :thumb:[/QUOTE]
Thanks a bunch, I'll look into adding a bit there. :)

[QUOTE=Permanent Solution]Oh man...same avatar craziness. Joel (PDWAB) did that to me for Halloween and it killed me :(

So anyone want to do me a [I]huge[/I] favor and just read [url=http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10346968&postcount=4]this[/url] over and tell me if it's even decent? Like whether it's a plausible start or whether I ought to scrap it. More feedback is appreciated, of course, but at the least I'd like an outside perspective on it. Thanks. :)

/is zep if that garners any favors (a)[/QUOTE]
Nice, I believe:

It's rather linear, to tell you the truth zep... or Mexican hobo...or however you want us to call you know. perm? sol? ok.

It was good, but you could go more in-depth here and there to make it sexier.

Try making larger explanations and more depth while talking about everything... squeeze every character of the 10000 you can use here. :thumb: Other than that nice story to develop there.

EDIT:
[URL="http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10354264&postcount=11"]My shrt story[/URL]

Please any comments or questions you have on this, grammar errors you might find, anything will be much appreciated. :)

Regarding the short story:

I generally liked it, you could have gone into greater detail on a few occasions...just because it's a short story doesn't mean it has to use as little description as possible.

I think you should elaborate more on the period of time they were "in love." It just seems to build up to that, mentions it briefly, then ends. If you talked about things they enjoyed doing together while they were love, you know...a little more passion, romance, things that will make us go "awwww...they really are in love!" That way, when it ends, it seems much more devastating...since (at this point in time) we never really had a lot of time to actually care/become interested in them or their relationship.

I'd definitely keep it, do not scrap it! I like the concept of him realizing that love is very real and very possible, and you wrote that part well. You just sorta lazied off once they actually fell in love.

omgomgomgomgomg please read mine... :D

[QUOTE=thickasabrick]Regarding the short story:

I generally liked it, you could have gone into greater detail on a few occasions...just because it's a short story doesn't mean it has to use as little description as possible.

I think you should elaborate more on the period of time they were "in love." It just seems to build up to that, mentions it briefly, then ends. If you talked about things they enjoyed doing together while they were love, you know...a little more passion, romance, things that will make us go "awwww...they really are in love!" That way, when it ends, it seems much more devastating...since (at this point in time) we never really had a lot of time to actually care/become interested in them or their relationship.

I'd definitely keep it, do not scrap it! I like the concept of him realizing that love is very real and very possible, and you wrote that part well. You just sorta lazied off once they actually fell in love.[/QUOTE]
Thanks a bunch. I'm getting a lot of feedback regarding detail so I'll be sure to add some then. I can definitely see what you all are getting at. I was just really unsure as to the quality because I basically dumped it out ASAP. (Hence the lack of detail). I think part of the laziness is probably also me still being bitter about it and not wanting to go back and touch on the good, but you're right that I do so...painful writing here I come. :)

TojesDolan, I really liked the way you wrote your story. It was very poetic, although at times the sentences seemed a little too choppy and broken for prose....it could sometimes obstruct the reading flow and might make less intelligent readers a little lost, confused, and frustrated.

In terms of actual suggestions for change, I found none that actually had to do with the ideas of the story....but there were a lot of spelling and grammar errors that I've quoted, underneath them I also wrote what I would suggest changing them to. This is going to be fairly long...so brace yourself, and I apologize to anyone else in this thread for such a long post.

[QUOTE]Amazing guy, Crazy music he listened, I remember.[/QUOTE]
Crazy doesn't need a capital, too broken. Maybe try something like "Amazing guy, I recall that he listened to very crazy music."

[QUOTE]he didn't last that long in my life[/QUOTE]
I'd replace "that" with "very."

[QUOTE]efective[/QUOTE]
effective

[QUOTE]so... Indifferent.[/QUOTE]
I'm not sure the exact ettiquette for putting those dot things, I use them quite often. I know for a fact that you don't need a capital on indifferent. I think it might be more like "so...indifferent."

[QUOTE]breathe[/QUOTE]
breath

[QUOTE]and his luck was meant to change[/QUOTE]
substitute "meant" for "bound."

[QUOTE]I remember a time I went to one of his parties, in a time I didn't really knew him, and he invited a numerous group of people to the backyard and we...[/QUOTE]
Run-on sentence? Substitute "know" for "knew." "numerous group" doesn't really work, maybe try... and he invited a large group of people, or, he invited numerous people...anything like that.

[QUOTE]But that's not the case.[/QUOTE]
Misusage of that phrase. I know what you are trying to say, I think something along the lines of "But that's irrelevent" would work better.

[QUOTE]fifteen days before his birthday,[/QUOTE]
Fifteen should be capitalized.

[QUOTE]Rich, succesful. Happy[/QUOTE]
Either use only periods, or only comma's....I don't understand your reasoning to seperate rich and successful with a comma, then seperate successful and happy with a period. You can keep it that way if you really want.

[QUOTE]What he hadn't done yet?[/QUOTE]
"What hadn't he done yet?" would work better, although I understand how "he hadn't" could work. You could also change it to something like "What he hadn't done yet, you ask?" to make it more useable.

[QUOTE]He had perfection in his mind always[/QUOTE]
Hmm...now I'm wondering why I originally jotted this down as an error...maybe use a comma between mind and always.

[QUOTE]as if he had died for natural reasons[/QUOTE]
...died from natural reasons. Not for natural reasons.

[QUOTE]That stupid, bright, beatiful morning of April.[/QUOTE]
Beautiful has a U.

[QUOTE]His neighbour, Ms. Dukofny, was getting fed up of that stupid music his neighbour was listening to, so she came to the house. Find a man unconscious. He survived.[/QUOTE]
The first sentence doesn't make sense. Ms. Dukofny is a women, yet the main character (not the narrator) is called "his neighbour", it should be "her neighbour." Also, "stupid music" is a little lame, "loud" "raucious", or anything like that would work. Found a man unconcious. He had survived.

[QUOTE]...in the most time possible,[/QUOTE]
Hmmm....I don't like the "most", maybe "longest" or something like that. Most time possible doesn't work very well.

[QUOTE]Nonetheless, he was going to commit this crime, he was not going to stop there. [/QUOTE]
He was not going to give up.

[QUOTE]brand new electric shave his mother sent him for his birthday, connected it to the power.[/QUOTE]
"Shave" should be "shaver", and "the power" is a little childish....the power outlet?

[QUOTE]he got inside the tub, with his favorite tuxedo on, expecting for the slim lady to reach the eighth goal... (eight o' clock, you ignorant idiots...). He got inside. Plugged the razor...[/QUOTE]
Please don't call the reader an ignorant idiot for not knowing what you mean by some strange symbol/metaphor. "Plugged the razor.." should maybe be "Plugged in the razor" or "Plugged the razor in"...although you already mentioning him connecting it to "the power."

[QUOTE]For an hour, for two. For six hours he waited.[/QUOTE]
Why use both a comma, and a period? I would suggest choosing one or the other.

[QUOTE]As upset as he was,[/QUOTE]
That sentence works, but perhaps just "Upset as he was,"

[QUOTE]people eating Ice cream.[/QUOTE]
ice cream

[QUOTE]Anthony sit in the park, alone.[/QUOTE]
sits, or sat.

[QUOTE]That particular day I met him. I noticed him, because he was so alone. I was in the talkative mood. "Excuse me sir, you don't happen to have a cigarette?".[/QUOTE]
Didn't you already party with him? Or is this one of those non-linear things?

[QUOTE]He extended his arm a little, but not trying to hard,[/QUOTE]
not trying too hard,

[QUOTE]He inhalated. And the cigarette fell.[/QUOTE]
He inhaled, and the cigarette fell (you could add "from his lips" as well).

[QUOTE]He looked at me... in a way he had never seen a person before.[/QUOTE]
He looked at me...as if he had never seen a person before. That would make more sense.

[QUOTE]I do.[/QUOTE]
WTF? Why a big underlined "I do" that doesn't seem to fit anywhere?

[QUOTE]He opened his eyes, wide as the brightest november dawn, like the sun hiding from the moon... Like a sheep running from the wolf.[/QUOTE]
He opened his eyes as wide as the brighest November dawn, like the sun hiding from the moon...like the sheep running from the wolf. (those are also two way different similies, brighest November dawn seems happy, sheep running from the wolf seems unhappy).

[QUOTE]And I left the park. I left the park, threw my cigarette out, and checked my list, once again. I had completed today's assignment. I can safely go to sleep now.[/QUOTE]
You say you left the park twice. Leaving the park, I threw my cigarette on the ground, and once again, checked my list. I had completed todays assignment. I can sleep peacefully tonight. (as a suggestion for change).

So that's everything I picked out. As you can see, mostly spelling and grammatical errors. I thought it was very well written besides those. No suggestions for actual plot changes or anything like that.

[QUOTE]Didn't you already party with him? Or is this one of those non-linear things?[/QUOTE]

non-linear. Besides there's a little consideration in there I forgot to mention, or can be thought however you might want to see it: He invited a large group of people, therefore, doesn't especify whether it was a personal invitation or just a mass invitation, so I can use that loop in the story to say he hadn't met me, or it can be seen as one of his moments of forgetting everything, due to the novocaine, or something around that line. The space left there is quite open for interpretation, I suppose.

[QUOTE]Please don't call the reader an ignorant idiot for not knowing what you mean by some strange symbol/metaphor. "Plugged the razor.." should maybe be "Plugged in the razor" or "Plugged the razor in"...although you already mentioning him connecting it to "the power."
[/QUOTE]

Yeah, about that I got a little too excited. I changed to something warmer. :)

[QUOTE]WTF? Why a big underlined "I do" that doesn't seem to fit anywhere?
[/QUOTE]

To denote that I am death. Maybe a bit too... hypothetical? Or maybe I wanted to add drama.

Thanks a bunch for the feedback man, I was going to make a revisal, but I will have to make a double one now, because there might be more loops in the continuity of the story itself.

Thanks a load man, I really appreciate it.

[QUOTE]Thanks a load man, I really appreciate it.[/QUOTE]

No problem. I'm on my tenth day of not smoking marijuana (I'm not doing it until Christmas Holidays, for money and tolerance reasons), so I had to choose between reading your story or sitting in a room with my friends watching them all get high....I chose the less tempting path.

And I wasn't aware that you are death (in the book)....that sounds like a very interesting concept for a story.

edit - and where do we go to complain about users? omgwtfboogie (or whatever his name is) is on a spampage rampage.

[url]http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=352244&page=71[/url]

You can report there.

And in the novel I'm a changing character, it's not even well defined, to tell you the truth. I have to add too much garbage to make it full... 50000 words in a month is too much, so content isn't really what concerns now, but a lot of talking. :)

How come you need 500000 (can't read how many zeros that is) words? Is this like for a class?

edit - I've considered writing my own novel, I have a few good ideas that I would definitely wanna make a full length novel out of. But I have neither the time, the patience, nor the writing ability to give them the treatment they deserve at this point in my life.

[QUOTE=thickasabrick]How come you need 500000 (can't read how many zeros that is) words? Is this like for a class?

edit - I've considered writing my own novel, I have a few good ideas that I would definitely wanna make a full length novel out of. But I have neither the time, the patience, nor the writing ability to give them the treatment they deserve at this point in my life.[/QUOTE]
[url]www.nanowrimo.com[/url]

It's actually non-curricular, it's a little project of mine. I wanted to do this on my own, although I'm delayed like, 13 thousand words (it's 50k, fifty thousand by thw way :))

Anyhow, as my workload is going now, I'll have to like... do something off the hook this weekend.

Yeah, so about that In-Depth thread ... I would critique it because I hate to see a guy hanging, but I don't feel like writing a full page of text that basically amounts to

[SIZE="5"]I Don't Get This[/SIZE].

Edit: The title is oddly sexual.

Sup deadest community thread on Mx.

Anyone here listen to Bob Dylan on a regular basis?

Regular basis? Opeth, but not Bob Dylan.

[QUOTE=thickasabrick]How come you need 500000 (can't read how many zeros that is) words? Is this like for a class?

edit - I've considered writing my own novel, [B]I have a few good ideas that I would definitely wanna make a full length novel out of. [/B] But I have neither the time, the patience, nor the writing ability to give them the treatment they deserve at this point in my life.[/QUOTE]

I wish I was in your case.
I have the time and jazz but no ideas.

Dag yo. How did you come across yours?

anyone have the privilege to see Bright Eyes with Spoon, David Dondero, and Willy Mason at the Orpheum in Omaha, Neb. on november 11th? such an amazing show.

no, and i live about thirty miles awayyy.

[QUOTE=TojesDoLan][url]www.nanowrimo.com[/url]

It's actually non-curricular, it's a little project of mine. I wanted to do this on my own, although I'm delayed like, 13 thousand words (it's 50k, fifty thousand by thw way :))

Anyhow, as my workload is going now, I'll have to like... do something off the hook this weekend.[/QUOTE]

I actually ordered 'No Plot? No Problem!' off Amazon yesterday... I read the first few pages using search inside, and it seemed fairly easy going, so I picked it up for about £5. Should be arriving before wednesday, with any luck.

I've been meaning to start writing for years now, and did actually start a novel about two years back, but what with fatherhood and marriage taking hold, it kind of got put on the back burner a bit. :-/

[QUOTE=I Am Vikingcore]
Also, I got the new In Flames album [I]Come Clarity[/I], which is due out February 7th, it's amazing.[/QUOTE]

I saw them supporting Motorhead on Tuesday, spent the time before Motorhead came on saying to the lad next to me "How ****ing good were they?". Absolutely brilliant.

[QUOTE=justinhughes2]anyone have the privilege to see Bright Eyes with Spoon, David Dondero, and Willy Mason at the Orpheum in Omaha, Neb. on november 11th? such an amazing show.[/QUOTE]

No, although i wish i had. Unforunately i live in the UK, and any of those bands making an appearance over here is a very rare occurrence.

Has anyone listened to much of [I]Plans[/I]? I have it but i've bought so many CDs recently it's been difficult to find much time. However so far i've enjoyed [I]What Sara Said[/I] and I [I]Will Follow You Into The Dark[/I]. The latter is quite a cheese-tastic lyrically, but Gibbard manages to pull it off as sweet.

I like Plans. Dan (RollerQueen) said it was one of their lesser albums but it is still good. [I]What Sara Said[/I] and [I]Brothers On A Hotel Bed[/I] are two of my favorites from that album.

Any one happen to pick up the new Spill Canvas EP? It's not acoustic anymore, since he added a full band, but it is still worthy of a listen.

[QUOTE=slackjaw]Yeah, so about that In-Depth thread ... I would critique it because I hate to see a guy hanging, but I don't feel like writing a full page of text that basically amounts to

[SIZE="5"]I Don't Get This[/SIZE].

Edit: The title is oddly sexual.[/QUOTE]

thank you, hey its all good. Not alot of people get my stuff because i usually dont keep with one visual, but one theme. But thanks for noticing.

Ahh, I've given up on the Nanowrimo. There's no way I'm getting past 10000. I put the first 2000 up in the Short story thread but life's getting too dramatic to do something as simple as write. I hate other people's abusive fathers.

And Tojes, good luck with Nano.

cmon guys, am i really the one that killed the indepth thread?

[QUOTE=ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]cmon guys, am i really the one that killed the indepth thread?[/QUOTE]

I'm assuming that everybody is choosing not to crit/post for the same reasons I am....pure laziness. You expected too much out of this crowd of scallywags.

[QUOTE=ATC]Ahh, I've given up on the Nanowrimo. There's no way I'm getting past 10000. I put the first 2000 up in the Short story thread but life's getting too dramatic to do something as simple as write. I hate other people's abusive fathers.

And Tojes, good luck with Nano.[/QUOTE]
I'm inching toward 3,000. I'm going to give it my best shot, I know I won't make it but as far as I'm concerned a 25,000 or even 10,000 word piece is pretty impressive for something on the fly.

So my band knows a college student has access to $500,000 worth of equipment and for a class next semester he is going to record our demo. 5 songs for free. High quality too.

Hey everybody, what's up? How were the weekends? I found my iPod... and I got to see Kill Your Idols live in a local record store basement :).

[QUOTE=morrissey]I'm inching toward 3,000. I'm going to give it my best shot, I know I won't make it but as far as I'm concerned a 25,000 or even 10,000 word piece is pretty impressive for something on the fly.[/QUOTE]
Looks like I'm ahead of everyone. I have 7000 words already. :confused:

I feel strange about it. A lot of content in what I write though, but I develop everything in mini-stories to keep it all the way fresh.

Thanks ATC :D

I'm at 3,568 now. Only 50% behind you. :cool:

I kind of wish I had buckled down at the beginning of November. The month's half over and I'm only just starting.