Three testicles walk into a bar.... That's it, there's no punchline there.

Two blondes walk into a bar, the third ducks.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants... the bartender goes "hey, did you know you have a steering wheel down your pants?!" the pirate goes "arrr it's driving me nuts!"

[QUOTE]Three testicles walk into a bar.... That's it, there's no punchline there.[/QUOTE]

A baby seal walks into a club...

/guarentees spot in hell

[QUOTE]A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants... the bartender goes "hey, did you know you have a steering wheel down your pants?!" the pirate goes "arrr it's driving me nuts!"[/QUOTE]

:lol:

Edit: Jom, name change:

"The R&M Comedy Hour"

Anyone remember that one chat were we were all just trading off jokes? Those were good times.

A nun, a rabbi, a bishop, two ducks, a donkey, and a platypus all walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What the hell is this, some kind of joke?"

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed for his red shirt. The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request. Captain Bravo calmly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants!"

Heh, that's an old one.

A preist, a rabbi, and the president are all on the same plane when it starts to go down. Luckily there enough parachutes to go around, and evacuation is orderly.


Fooled you.

[QUOTE=Lunch]A preist, a rabbi, and the president are all on the same plane when it starts to go down. Luckily there enough parachutes to go around, and evacuation is orderly.[/QUOTE]

Best. Joke. Ever.

So this dude comes home from work and gets into his apartment, the first thing he sees is his girlfriend packing up her stuff, crying. He asks her, "What's wrong babe?"
She's like, "I found out what you are!"
He's like, "Oh? and what is that?"
and so she says, "A pedophile!"
and then he says, "Pedophile? That's a pretty big word for a twelve year old."

Sup guys? Anyone see the [I]Take This Life[/I] video yet?

NP: Killswitch Engage - Rise Inside

A panda walks into a bar and declines a drink, but asks for a big bowl of peanuts. He promptly scarfs the whole thing down. After he finishes licking his lips, he pulls an uzi out of nowhere and mows down half the patrons.

The panda tosses the gun casually over his shoulder and walks to the door.

Just as he gets there, the bartender grabs him by the shoulder. "What the hell did you do that for?!" he yells.

The panda produces a dictionary, again seemingly from nowhere, and flips it open before going to a specific entry and pointing at it.

[b][u]Panda[/u][/b]: [b]PAN-duh[/b]; [i]n[/i]; Eats shoots and leaves.

A guy walks into a bar and he sees a jar of money on the bar. It has at least 200 dollars in it. He walks up to it and says "Barkeep, what's the money for?" and the barkeeper says "I can't tell you that until you've had a couple of drinks." So the guy goes on drinking and gets pretty drunk. "Hey Barkeep, I'm ... pretty drunk.. what's in the jar?" The barkeeper says "Alright, you seem up to it. Put 10 bucks in the bar and you could win it all. Just do 3 tasks. First, beat that guy over there in an arm wrestling match. Second, I have a pit bull in the back with a toothache. I want you to go out there and pull it's tooth. Third, my mother is upstairs, and you have to go up and please her."

The guy puts 10 bucks in the jar, and arm wrestles the man. He wins.

Then he goes outside. The barkeeper hears a bunch of yelps, screams, growls and barks and the guy walks back in. "Alright barkeep, now where's the old lady who needs her tooth pulled?"

:lol: he had sex with the dog!

I've always been a fan of:

Wanna hear a funny joke?
:::pause:::
Women's rights.

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 20, 1 to screw it in and 19 to say they can do it faster, better, and behind their backs.

[QUOTE=Mister Blue Sky]A guy walks into a bar and he sees a jar of money on the bar. It has at least 200 dollars in it. He walks up to it and says "Barkeep, what's the money for?" and the barkeeper says "I can't tell you that until you've had a couple of drinks." So the guy goes on drinking and gets pretty drunk. "Hey Barkeep, I'm ... pretty drunk.. what's in the jar?" The barkeeper says "Alright, you seem up to it. Put 10 bucks in the bar and you could win it all. Just do 3 tasks. First, beat that guy over there in an arm wrestling match. Second, I have a pit bull in the back with a toothache. I want you to go out there and pull it's tooth. Third, my mother is upstairs, and you have to go up and please her."

The guy puts 10 bucks in the jar, and arm wrestles the man. He wins.

Then he goes outside. The barkeeper hears a bunch of yelps, screams, growls and barks and the guy walks back in. "Alright barkeep, now where's the old lady who needs her tooth pulled?"[/QUOTE]
YES! That is awesome!

[QUOTE=I Am Vikingcore]Sup guys? Anyone see the [I]Take This Life[/I] video yet?[/QUOTE]
Where did you find?

Never mind, got it.

[url]http://www.ferretstyle.com/takethislife/video/[/url]

[QUOTE=I Am Vikingcore]Wanna hear a funny joke?
:::pause:::
Women's rights.[/QUOTE]

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?


Because she was a woman lol

But really, that's the reason.

there's a russian guy, an italian guy, and a chinese guy working for a construction company. the head of the company walks over and says "we need some stuff." he tells the russian guy to get lumber, the italian guy to get cement, and the chinese guy to get supplies. he comes back a while later to check on progress. the russian guy has a pile of wood, the italian guy has bags of cement, and the chinese guy is nowhere to be see. the boss asks, "where's the chinese guy?" at that moment, the chinese guy jumps out from behind a nearby wall and yells, "SUPPLIES."

tee hee.

in other news, i hate kanye west because he is retarded.

At school once, I walked up to a group of 5 or 6 girls and said:

"Why didn't the DMV give Helen Keller a license? Because she's a woman."

And casually walked away.

[QUOTE]Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?


Because she was a woman lol

But really, that's the reason.[/QUOTE]

Dammit.

What do Hellen Keller's parent's do to her when they piss her off?



Re-arrange her furniture.

What do you do when Hellen Keller pisses you off?


Put a plunger in the toilet...


What was Hellen Keller's dog's name?


Uhhhmmuuhghhga

One day, a guy driving home from work has a furious urge to wank. So he parks his car at the top of the hill, gets under his car, closes his eyes and gets to work. He figures that if he's under his car, people will assume he's working on the car. A few minutes later, a cop drives up and says "Can I help you sir?" The man, not willing to lose his vision of 2 lesbians says "Nope, just fixing some brakes." The cop says "That must be hard to do if your car is down the hill."

[QUOTE=SilentScream7]How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 20, 1 to screw it in and 19 to say they can do it faster, better, and behind their backs.[/QUOTE]

:lol: 10/10 imo.

i'm full of horribly offensive jokes that i'm afraid to post on here.

maybe we should have a rock and metal chat.

hehe so vikingcore how'd you like that ban i bet you'll be treading a lot more carefully now eh hehe

[QUOTE=Deconstruction]

What was Hellen Keller's dog's name?


Uhhhmmuuhghhga[/QUOTE]
:lol: :lol: man, that was a good one.

[QUOTE=PinkFreud]in other news, i hate kanye west because he is retarded.[/QUOTE]

got any better reasons than that because i'd like to hear them

[QUOTE=Lunch]A preist, a rabbi, and the president are all on the same plane when it starts to go down. Luckily there enough parachutes to go around, and evacuation is orderly.[/quote]
Fu[size=2]c[/size]king relfcopter :lol:

///

Wake up, Mr. West! WAKE UP MR. WEST! :echos:

Two guys are driving through the country when their car breaks down. Sucks, huh?

Anyway, they spot a light up the road coming from a farmhouse. So they make their way up the road and knock on the door. Less than a minute later, an aging farmer with a weatherworn, but generally unassuming face answers and looks them over suspiciously. "Can I help you boys?"

"Yeah," the one says. "Our car broke down and neither of us has a cell phone. Can we use your phone to call a tow truck?"

"I'll call a truck for you boys, but it won't arrive till morning," the farmer responds.

"Oh... well, do you have a spare room or something we could spend the night in? There's no room in the car, and we'd really appreciate it."

The farmer thinks about it for a moment. "Well, alright. I'll set you boys up some sleeping bags in the kitchen, [i]but[/i]... Don't touch anything in there. I just started harvesting this week and haven't had time to pack up some of the yield."

"Sure, that's cool."

So the farmer brings in some sleeping bags. Sure enough, the kitchen is packed with homegrown produce. Bushels upon bushels of fruits and vegetables on every surface. The old guy is doing pretty good for himself.

So the two guys lay back and turn in for the night. All's well until about 2 AM. The first guy wakes up with intense hunger pangs. He clutches his stomach, blindly groping around in the dark kitchen until his hands grab a bushel of something. In a moment of indiscretion, he shovels the contents into his mouth. Snow peas. Not bad.

He's just hit the bottom of the bushel when the light flicks on and standing there in the doorway is the farmer with a scowl and the biggest... nastiest... most sh[size=2]i[/size]t-your-pants intimidating shotgun you've ever seen in your life. "I told you not to touch anything," the farmer sneers in a gravelly voice.

The guy starts panicking. "Oh Jesus, I'm so sorry! It was a moment of panic, I wasn't thinking! Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The farmer thinks about it a moment. "Alright boy... tell ya what yer gonna do. Take that bushel, go out into my fields, and fill it with anything of your choice. Got it?"

"Yes sir."

"And take your friend with you. Tell him to pick whatever he wants and fill another bushel with it."

So the guy wakes up his friend and explains the situation. They take two bushels and go out into the fields. The first guy decides to replace the snow peas he ate while the second guy goes to pick something different.

After a couple hours of harvesting in the dark, the first guy goes back to the house. The farmer nods at him and says, "Okay boy. Now you're gonna drop yer pants and shove those peas up your [size=2]a[/size]ss one by one."

"What?! No way!!"

The farmer cocks his shotgun and levels it at the guy. Well, it's not like he has a choice at this point. So the guy drops his pants, gets down on his knees and starts shoving the snow peas up his [size=2]a[/size]ss one by one.

Half-way through the bushel, he gets a look of revelation and starts laughing. HE starts laughing until the peas start falling out of his [size=2]a[/size]ss.

The farmer looks at him wierd. "What's so funny?"

But the guy just keeps laughing harder. Peas are now popping out of his [size=2]a[/size]ss as he falls to the floor laughing and clutching his sides.

The farmer's getting pissed. "WHat's so funny, d[size=2]a[/size]mn it?!"

But the guy just keeps laughing and laughing! Tears are streaming down ihs face, peas are [i]flying[/i] out of his [size=2]a[/size]ss!

The farmer shoves the barrel of the shotgun right into the guy's face and yells, "What the f[size=2]u[/size]ck is so god d[size=2]a[/size]mn funny?!"

The guy sits up, calms himself... He wipes a tear from his eye, and takes a deep breath in. "My friend out there is picking watermelons."

[quote=Deconstruction]What do you do when Hellen Keller pisses you off?


Put a plunger in the toilet...[/quote]

:lol::lol:

:lolz:++!!!

Hellen Keller jokes... lawl...

Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away?

Because a woman is to fickle to be responsible for a pet.

/fayle :upset:

[QUOTE]Steerpike's essay of a joke[/QUOTE]

I think pineapple has a greater effect.

[QUOTE=Lunch]I think pineapple has a greater effect.[/QUOTE]
Would an average farmer harvest pineapples?

That was a great joke Steerpike. Make it up yourself?

[QUOTE=Kurtz]Would an average farmer harvest pineapples?

That was a great joke Steerpike. Make it up yourself?[/QUOTE]

My dad told it to me when I was about 11 years old.

Pineapples work better when the joke is used in the island situation, where people stranded on an island are kidnapped and held hostage by a tribe of natives and told to go pick fruits from the forest or else they will be killed. The same thing happens until the third guy comes back with pineapples.

[QUOTE=Lunch]Pineapples work better when the joke is used in the island situation, where people stranded on an island are kidnapped and held hostage by a tribe of natives and told to go pick fruits from the forest or else they will be killed. The same thing happens until the third guy comes back with pineapples.[/QUOTE]

Coconuts would also have a nice impact in the punchline.

I think the spikes on the pineapple cause the greatest amount of cringing.

Or cacti would be good also.

Eggo - How much do you pay each year for Johns Hopkins?

[QUOTE=SilentScream7]Or cacti would be good also.

Eggo - How much do you pay each year for Johns Hopkins?[/QUOTE]

starts with $4

and ends with 5,000

i think it's being raised to $47,000 next year omfg :dead:

[QUOTE=Eggo]got any better reasons than that because i'd like to hear them[/QUOTE]
because he thinks aids was manufactured by the government and placed into africa to wipe out africans?

and i also think he has terrible lyrics and gets way too much hype.

[QUOTE=PinkFreud]because he thinks aids was manufactured by the government and placed into africa to wipe out africans?[/quote]

if you think he's being serious then you just got served

[QUOTE=PinkFreud]and i also think he has terrible lyrics and gets way too much hype.[/QUOTE]

he's better as a producer but he still puts out some really sweet jams

but i guess if you're white and not into dancing i can see why you think he gets too much hype i think

Are you handiling tow magors? where's it at? (sorry for so many questions)