Bad dates suck. :(

[QUOTE=Chaindrive]He'll be back after he eats.

I will say that it sounds like it went worse than any of us expected, though.[/QUOTE]

We've all been there, though. :(

[QUOTE=Chaindrive]He'll be back after he eats.

I will say that it sounds like it went worse than any of us expected, though.[/QUOTE]

OMG!:confused:

The suspence is killing me!

[QUOTE=nobodyblossomsforever]F[size=2]u[/size]ck all you people that said not to worry about anything. FU[size=2]C[/size]K YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!![/QUOTE]

Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes!! RAAAAAASSK!!

Look, it sucks when a date goes bad, but you shouldn't be yelling at us. It's not our fault it went sour. You'll have to describe what happened before I can tell you what issues shot the whole thing.

I think that everyone is bound to have a bad date, or two, or more at some point in their life...

Steerpike, I need a man's view on something, can you help?

EDIT: To nooneblossomsforever; Although you can't see it now, and you wont be able to for a couple of weeks or after more practice, but bad dates are blessings in disguise. You learn from bad dates, and they really are just practice ones till you find the right girl. It's your first date , so don't beat yourself up about it. Remember that you learn from experience. I'm sorry it didn't go too well, just spend time with your friends and try to forget all about her, think of it as her loss.

[QUOTE=Blue Haze]Steerpike, I need a man's view on something, can you help?[/QUOTE]

Shoot.

[QUOTE=Steerpike]Shoot.[/QUOTE]

Ok cool, it might take a while to type, and probably wont make sense.

EDIT: Ok, so as you might have read somewhere in the last 7 pages or so, I have a new boyfriend. We've been going out for two months and everything is going very well (I'm not going to go into details because that'll take ages), he's kind, he respects me, he listens, he makes an effort, and generally just makes me feel good about myself. However;

I have problems with trust/jealousy, and it's getting on my nerves. I've been let down before by a certain someone who wont be named but basically, he was kinda flirty and stuff, leaving very unappropriate messages for girls and things like that. He left a particular message for one girl, saying he wanted to be with her forever and that she was amazing blah blah, two days later, he completely ignored me for four days, and then dumped me. Over the phone.

So yeah, obviously that hasn't done much for my confidence.

When my boyfriend texts me or something and I ask him what he's upto, he'll say he's with, for example; John*, Emma* (who are going out) and Rachel*. Now, as soon as I see the word 'Rachel' I panic. I start thinking 'oh my god he's doing *insert activity here* with her' and all sorts will run through my head. When actually, she's just a good mate and he's doing absolutely nothing wrong.

If he talks about other girls, or even drop a name into conversation, I get really worried that he might think they're better than me and I get frightened that he's going to leave me for them.

Also, if we go on a night out, and he sees one of his female friends and he hugs them, I watch him to see how long he hugs them for and it makes me feel so stupid. :-/

Now, I really must insist that he's done nothing to make me feel like this. It's just my insecurities getting in my way. I have spoken to him about it, and he tried his very very best to reassure me that I'm the only person he wants to be with, and a whole load of other really really nice things. I'll feel better and everything will be great...Until the next time it happens.

I'm getting VERY tired of myself here. He's trying so damn hard, and he's so wonderful, and I can't help but feel this is just getting in the way of things.

So basically I was just wondering;
1. Is there anyway I can start to change my train of thought (cool song) so that I can get out of the habit of feeling like this?
2. Is there anyway I could talk to him about this in a way that I don't look like a clingy girlfriend, or ask him to maybe just watch how he acts around other girls?
3. If you had a girlfriend, and she was talking to you about this, how would you feel?

I know there's alot here, and I'm awfully sorry. I just kinda want a guy's view on this.

Thank you.

*not their real names

[QUOTE=nobodyblossomsforever]Date was a flop. Just like I KNEW it would be.[/QUOTE]
expect to have fun next time



you probably brought this whole really negative/nervous energy on the date


i'm not just being a goddamn hippie right now either

[QUOTE=nobodyblossomsforever]Date was a flop. Just like I KNEW it would be.[/QUOTE]

my first date with my gf sucked

i ****ed up the cinema and food times
i elbowed her in the head in the cinema
the kiss sucked

but its 4 months on and its going great, just keep it cool with her and youll be ok

[QUOTE=Steerpike]Look, it sucks when a date goes bad, but you shouldn't be yelling at us. It's not our fault it went sour. You'll have to describe what happened before I can tell you what issues shot the whole thing.[/QUOTE]

Precisely.

Seriously, man. Don't flip a shi[font=verdana]t[/font] just because your date sucked. Sure, somebody might feel bad for you, but you were frontin' all this negative nervous energy beforehand, and as fate would have it, it didn't go well.

Learn from it / move on / learn from it.

[QUOTE=Blue Haze]Ok cool, it might take a while to type, and probably wont make sense.

EDIT: Ok, so as you might have read somewhere in the last 7 pages or so, I have a new boyfriend. We've been going out for two months and everything is going very well (I'm not going to go into details because that'll take ages), he's kind, he respects me, he listens, he makes an effort, and generally just makes me feel good about myself. However;

I have problems with trust/jealousy, and it's getting on my nerves. I've been let down before by a certain someone who wont be named but basically, he was kinda flirty and stuff, leaving very unappropriate messages for girls and things like that. He left a particular message for one girl, saying he wanted to be with her forever and that she was amazing blah blah, two days later, he completely ignored me for four days, and then dumped me. Over the phone.

So yeah, obviously that hasn't done much for my confidence.

When my boyfriend texts me or something and I ask him what he's upto, he'll say he's with, for example; John*, Emma* (who are going out) and Rachel*. Now, as soon as I see the word 'Rachel' I panic. I start thinking 'oh my god he's doing *insert activity here* with her' and all sorts will run through my head. When actually, she's just a good mate and he's doing absolutely nothing wrong.

If he talks about other girls, or even drop a name into conversation, I get really worried that he might think they're better than me and I get frightened that he's going to leave me for them.

Also, if we go on a night out, and he sees one of his female friends and he hugs them, I watch him to see how long he hugs them for and it makes me feel so stupid. :-/

Now, I really must insist that he's done nothing to make me feel like this. It's just my insecurities getting in my way. I have spoken to him about it, and he tried his very very best to reassure me that I'm the only person he wants to be with, and a whole load of other really really nice things. I'll feel better and everything will be great...Until the next time it happens.

I'm getting VERY tired of myself here. He's trying so damn hard, and he's so wonderful, and I can't help but feel this is just getting in the way of things.

So basically I was just wondering;
1. Is there anyway I can start to change my train of thought (cool song) so that I can get out of the habit of feeling like this?
2. Is there anyway I could talk to him about this in a way that I don't look like a clingy girlfriend, or ask him to maybe just watch how he acts around other girls?
3. If you had a girlfriend, and she was talking to you about this, how would you feel?

I know there's alot here, and I'm awfully sorry. I just kinda want a guy's view on this.

Thank you.

*not their real names[/QUOTE]

Its natural to get feelings like that sometimes, sweetie. Everyone does. I know Im not the "guys opinion" you were looking for, but I would suggest just trying to get past it and take it for what its worth.

You should read the last 3 or 4 pages, we had a discussion like this for quite a while this morning. Read it and see what you think. Its not the same exact thing, but I think a lot of it will apply.

[QUOTE=purplefeet]Its natural to get feelings like that sometimes, sweetie. Everyone does. I know Im not the "guys opinion" you were looking for, but I would suggest just trying to get past it and take it for what its worth.

You should read the last 3 or 4 pages, we had a discussion like this for quite a while this morning. Read it and see what you think. Its not the same exact thing, but I think a lot of it will apply.[/QUOTE]

Anyone who takes the time out to reply to me is appreciated, thanks.

Yeah I brushed over it a minute ago, which inspired me to make my big huge post, but I think I might give it a good read.

Cheers.

[QUOTE=Blue Haze]1. Is there anyway I can start to change my train of thought (cool song) so that I can get out of the habit of feeling like this?[/quote]

The first thing you need to do is understand that what you're feeling is perfectly natural. What your last boyfriend did was completely unacceptable and would have screwed with anybody's head. I'm of the belief that no matter how bad a relationship turns out, just plain dumping someone (especially in a cowardly way such as over the phone or through email) is tactless and immature.

Remember that speech I gave before about inner demons earlier? You're going through something just about every woman on the planet does. The trick is that now that you know this, you can have better control of it because you understand the phenomenon.

Jealousy is a very peculiar emotion. It makes us want to keep what we have, but in relationships it actually drives that which we desire further away. Remember that jealousy is like feeding your relationship a big lump of arsenic. Everytime you catch yourself feeling jealous or worried that he'll leave you, stop and check yourself. Think about the situation, slowly and rationally. You'll realize that you're getting worked up over nothing.

I've used this same approach to try and curb my rather explosive temper. In the last two weeks, I've been less stressed out than I can remember since I graduated high school. And this is just from doing this for a few weeks. It's become a habit.

You need to build up the same habit. Think of it as flicking on and off switches in departments of your emotional matrix. When you see something going wrong, you can hit the off switch and let it cool down and diffuse.

Yeah, I know that sounds really hokey and self-help-ish, but it works.

[quote]2. Is there anyway I could talk to him about this in a way that I don't look like a clingy girlfriend, or ask him to maybe just watch how he acts around other girls?[/quote]

You've already talked to him about it. Bringing it up again probably will look somewhat clingy. And scratching at the issue a third time can be pretty damning.

And for the love of god, do [i]not[/i] tell a man in any way, shape or form to watch his behavior around other girls. We can be as fiercely independent and stubborn as the biggest firebrand of a woman when such suggestions are made. It will take that arsenic your jealousy fed the relationship and season it with a few tablespoons of antimony.

To put it another way, how would you feel if you had a boyfriend who tried to find a way, no matter how tactful of asking you to watch how you acted around other guys?

[quote]3. If you had a girlfriend, and she was talking to you about this, how would you feel?[/QUOTE]

To be brutally honest, I'd be a little cautious. I would do what I could to reassure her, but I would make a mental note to pay attention in the future. If I continued to see obviously jealous behavior and she kept bringing the subject up, I would become increasingly wary.

I've seen what happens when jealousy enters into a relationship and have heard some real horror stories. Not a pretty sight. So naturally, I'd be on the look-out for warning signs. If the problem persisted, I'd choose to end it before one of us got [i]really[/i] hurt down the road.

Now, this is just my personal opinion. It's up to you what you do with that. But my answers to your first two questions I ask you to very seriously consider. You've been hurt once and you deserve better. You can't let the memories of that little skin mark of a human being who dumped you over the phone sabotage the good thing you have going now.

[QUOTE=Steerpike]The first thing you need to do is understand that what you're feeling is perfectly natural. What your last boyfriend did was completely unacceptable and would have screwed with anybody's head. I'm of the belief that no matter how bad a relationship turns out, just plain dumping someone (especially in a cowardly way such as over the phone or through email) is tactless and immature.

Remember that speech I gave before about inner demons earlier? You're going through something just about every woman on the planet does. The trick is that now that you know this, you can have better control of it because you understand the phenomenon.

Jealousy is a very peculiar emotion. It makes us want to keep what we have, but in relationships it actually drives that which we desire further away. Remember that jealousy is like feeding your relationship a big lump of arsenic. Everytime you catch yourself feeling jealous or worried that he'll leave you, stop and check yourself. Think about the situation, slowly and rationally. You'll realize that you're getting worked up over nothing.

I've used this same approach to try and curb my rather explosive temper. In the last two weeks, I've been less stressed out than I can remember since I graduated high school. And this is just from doing this for a few weeks. It's become a habit.

You need to build up the same habit. Think of it as flicking on and off switches in departments of your emotional matrix. When you see something going wrong, you can hit the off switch and let it cool down and diffuse.

Yeah, I know that sounds really hokey and self-help-ish, but it works.



You've already talked to him about it. Bringing it up again probably will look somewhat clingy. And scratching at the issue a third time can be pretty damning.

And for the love of god, do [i]not[/i] tell a man in any way, shape or form to watch his behavior around other girls. We can be as fiercely independent and stubborn as the biggest firebrand of a woman when such suggestions are made. It will take that arsenic your jealousy fed the relationship and season it with a few tablespoons of antimony.

To put it another way, how would you feel if you had a boyfriend who tried to find a way, no matter how tactful of asking you to watch how you acted around other guys?



To be brutally honest, I'd be a little cautious. I would do what I could to reassure her, but I would make a mental note to pay attention in the future. If I continued to see obviously jealous behavior and she kept bringing the subject up, I would become increasingly wary.

I've seen what happens when jealousy enters into a relationship and have heard some real horror stories. Not a pretty sight. So naturally, I'd be on the look-out for warning signs. If the problem persisted, I'd choose to end it before one of us got [i]really[/i] hurt down the road.

Now, this is just my personal opinion. It's up to you what you do with that. But my answers to your first two questions I ask you to very seriously consider. You've been hurt once and you deserve better. You can't let the memories of that little skin mark of a human being who dumped you over the phone sabotage the good thing you have going now.[/QUOTE]

Thank you SO much for taking the time out to write all that. You're exactly right.

From your reply I've decided:

1. The next time I start to feel a bit jealous, I'm going to remember that he's with me for a reason, and that I need to stop thinking so irrationally. Also, I'm just going to remember that when I hang around with my male friends, it doesn't mean I'm going to cheat on Phil.

2. I'm not bringing it up again. It'll get tedious for him and I don't want to push him away. Clearly this is something I need to deal with, and it's more of an issue with him than me. It's not fair he should be constantly reassuring me and trying to justify himself.

3. You're right. I shouldn't talk to him about how he acts with girls. I never really saw it from that perspective to be honest, but it makes sense now. The way he acts with other girls is a part of him, and I don't want to change him at all.

Thanks again for the help. I feel ALOT better about it now.

1. Is there anyway I can start to change my train of thought (cool song) so that I can get out of the habit of feeling like this?

Hmm...I've found that the best way to get my mind off of women (or rather, woman; man in your case- and that's really the way to get rid of worries) is to pick up a book or work on a song that I've been learning. Assuming you're a musician because you're on MX to begin with, I think that might help. If you're around him and doing things with him, you'll think about the positives- you've told us how good the boy is to you. If you're not around him, occupy yourself mentally so that you don't have time to doubt him. If you happen to overhear something that irks you, brush it off unless it's really upfront.

2. Is there anyway I could talk to him about this in a way that I don't look like a clingy girlfriend, or ask him to maybe just watch how he acts around other girls?

I will never ever suggest telling anyone to watch how they act around someone else. You picked him because he's, at the least, the best candidate that you know. Changing how he acts isn't the key. It seems like you trust the boy but you can't keep from worrying. Maybe you and him should do something together when you start worrying- that instant if possible. I really don't know how I would want to be approached about being less flirty.

3. If you had a girlfriend, and she was talking to you about this, how would you feel?

It's according to whether or not she was blaming me for her insecurity. If she knew and accepted that it was something that wasn't my fault and that she needed to work through, I would go out of my way to do things that would make her trust me more. I know the signifigance of sitting with my back to the door in a resteraunt.

If she was blaming me..I don't know. I'd tell her that she needed to give me a chance to prove myself instead of pushing me away because she's scared.

AW, thanks for your reply. It's always nice to get a different view on this situation.

I'm feeling alot better about the whole thing now, as you probably read above your post.

I might do that actually, just keep myself occupied. Like for example last night at work, when I got that text message about him being with his mates, and me worrying about 'Rachel', I was at work, and I was worrying as usual, but because I was at work, I got busy doing things and after half an hour or so when I remembered, I just kinda laughed at myself for being so silly and got on with the night. Thanks for the advice heh.

Steerpike, as always, has good advice.

But let me just say this, and it's in no way condescending: theory is great, but real life is so much more textured. If you can do what you talked about in real life, you will have girls falling all over themselves for you.

Sometimes, in real life, you only end up with PART of the scenario. Sometimes in real life imagination takes over from logic. Sometimes in real life misunderstandings happen. I've been through it. Beckster's been through it. Nicole has been through it. Yeah, we're all girls, but I've seen enough guys go through it in this thread too.

My take on Beck's problem is to talk to him about it if she feel's it's getting too over the top. Because sometimes guys don't (well, f[size=2]uck[/size] that, they usually don't) understand how it is.

[QUOTE=Blue Haze]3. You're right. I shouldn't talk to him about how he acts with girls. I never really saw it from that perspective to be honest, but it makes sense now. The way he acts with other girls is a part of him, and I don't want to change him at all.[/QUOTE]

You've got it. This is all a part of the road to a happy relationship. The important thing is that you understand that this issue is one you must overcome yourself. By doing the mature thing and accepting this and resolving to do something about it, you've already done a lot to eliminate the problem.

Yeah, and it starts now. Clear head time for me. This is going so well, I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I screwed it up.

Thank you so much for all your advice. And Kimmie too. I'm feeling so much better now.

/celebrates

[QUOTE=Chaindrive]But let me just say this, and it's in no way condescending: theory is great, but real life is so much more textured.[/QUOTE]

Naturally. My belief is that everything in life is equal parts theory and execution. I learned the theory in a hurry, but it took a lot of trial and error to learn the execution that works. That's just how it is, and I'm at peace with that.

However, I do try to give people as much theory as I can, because it gives the process of learning execution a stronger method to the madness, a system for knowing what to look for, and in general helps you avoid looking like a monkey trying to screw a football.

If you're all theory and no practice, you're just a talking head. If you're all practice and no theory, you're a blind squirrel trying to find a nut.

[QUOTE=Steerpike]Naturally. My belief is that everything in life is equal parts theory and execution. I learned the theory in a hurry, but it took a lot of trial and error to learn the execution that works. That's just how it is, and I'm at peace with that.

However, I do try to give people as much theory as I can, because it gives the process of learning execution a stronger method to the madness, a system for knowing what to look for, and in general helps you avoid looking like a monkey trying to screw a football.

If you're all theory and no practice, you're just a talking head. If you're all practice and no theory, you're a blind squirrel trying to find a nut.[/QUOTE]

Exactly. But it's been my personal experience (lots of decades there) that guys just meander through relationships without a clue as how to act. Good guys, bad guys, doesn't matter. They all do the same thing, pretty much. They're absolutely clueless. And have absolutely no common sense. The most common thing I've discovered is "Huh?" from them.

It sucks.

[QUOTE=Chaindrive]Exactly. But it's been my personal experience (lots of decades there) that guys just meander through relationships without a clue as how to act. Good guys, bad guys, doesn't matter. They all do the same thing, pretty much. They're absolutely clueless. And have absolutely no common sense. The most common thing I've discovered is "Huh?" from them.

It sucks.[/QUOTE]

To be perfectly honest, up until about the last year or so I used to be like that. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for women.

It's very frustrating that guys never seem to see our side of it. But we, definitely see their side.

[QUOTE=Chaindrive]It's very frustrating that guys never seem to see our side of it. But we, definitely see their side.[/QUOTE]

Well, most of the time. Just as there are guys like me who get our act together and try to understand how this whole thing works, there is an opposite side of the coin with women who cannot for the life of them understand how men work.

It's just something you can't avoid.

[QUOTE=Chaindrive]It's very frustrating that guys never seem to see our side of it. But we, definitely see their side.[/QUOTE]

No way. You can't say that last sentence with any authority if you think you're speaking on behalf of the entire female tribe. I have proof.

I'm not saying that men are omniscient, but there's no way you can say that all women can see both sides to the story, when that is clearly, clearly not the case.

[QUOTE=Jom]No way. You can't say that last sentence with any authority if you think you're speaking on behalf of the entire female tribe. I have proof.

I'm not saying that men are omniscient, but there's no way you can say that all women can see both sides to the story, when that is clearly, clearly not the case.[/QUOTE]

Where, exactly, did you find the words "all women" in my statement?

We're going to play a handy game of Context Clues!

Or, maybe we'll have an English lesson! Whichever is best.

[quote]It's very frustrating that guy[b]s[/b] never seem to see [b]our[/b] side of it. But [b]we[/b], definitely see [b]their[/b] side.[/quote]

Sup, bolded stuff?

Guys NEVER see our side of it. But, I never said we ALWAYS definitely see their side.

Geddit?

Man, I've run across a dumber than rocks woman lately. She's 45 and appears to be stupid beyond belief. Not only that, but she's a total attention whore. I bet SHE doesn't see their side of it.

[QUOTE=funluvinhobo]my first date with my gf sucked

i ****ed up the cinema and food times
[B]i elbowed her in the head in the cinema[/B]
the kiss sucked

but its 4 months on and its going great, just keep it cool with her and youll be ok[/QUOTE]
Don't you feel like an [B][U]IDIOT[/U][/B] when you do that stuff? :p

It's ok Greg. You can still get her next time, first dates don't mean a whole lot..2nd and 3rd ones tend to be the deciders. (No pressure :p)