dan, the rhymes sound forced. and the chorus is corny

Andy! :eek:


(Nice song thingy Dan...)

Okay, Dan, the truth is I only read part of it.
But the title is a line from the movie White Oleander.

[QUOTE=Black Ink]I've been dancing as long as you been posting, maybe longer.[/QUOTE]
as long. august 03 was my MX birthday.

august punX unite!

Hey, Dan...

Could you give my song, [url=http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=337765]1200cc Romance[/url] a quick word or three, and I'll give you a full, indepth crit when I get up this afternoon?

I don't really want to bump it myself again...

[QUOTE=CommieCanada]dan, the rhymes sound forced. and the chorus is corny[/QUOTE]
What a shutdown by "emo-core" :thumb:

[QUOTE=Jason101]Hey, Dan...

Could you give my song, [url=http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=337765]1200cc Romance[/url] a quick word or three, and I'll give you a full, indepth crit when I get up this afternoon?

I don't really want to bump it myself again...[/QUOTE]
two problems right off the bat: you say "deserted" in two consecutive lines. don't do that. find another word in the thesaurus or something.

Problem 2: don't use the words "broken" and "heart" in the same sentence. it sounds lame

[QUOTE=CommieCanada]as long. august 03 was my MX birthday.

august punX unite![/QUOTE]

AUGUST 03 punX unite!!!!!

[QUOTE=Black Ink]Ah but what day? My avatar was released on my b-day. Aug. 4th.[/QUOTE]
August 1st. biyotch!

and sorry dan, but really. i've seen better writting from you

heh, they were both intentional, CC. :)

Thanks for the input anyways, still appreciated. :)

[QUOTE=Black Ink]Ah but what day? My avatar was released on my b-day. Aug. 4th.[/QUOTE]

August 4th is my best friend's birthday.


August 1, 2003 punx unite!
I totally forgot that Andy and I share an MX birthday.

[QUOTE=Jason101]heh, they were both intentional, CC. :)

Thanks for the input anyways, still appreciated. :)[/QUOTE]
im sure they were intentional, because they came out of your head, however, as a writter/editor/publisher of fine literary works, i know that those lines detract from to otherwise well thought out lines that sound very good. its a good poem, but those two problems were distracting enough to take away from the essence

I remember the rein of JmE

[QUOTE=RissaPoodle5207]August 4th is my best friend's birthday.


August 1, 2003 punx unite!
I totally forgot that Andy and I share an MX birthday.[/QUOTE]
we rule.

and yeah mark, that is crazy. i still cant believe i had so many dang posts

[QUOTE=RazorsInTheNight]I remember the rein of JmE[/QUOTE]
i remember GoMunnism

[QUOTE=CommieCanada]i remember GoMunnism[/QUOTE]

I remember you :eek:

and....:smash: :smash: :smash:

[QUOTE=RazorsInTheNight]I remember the rein of JmE[/QUOTE]


You do? :confused:

[QUOTE=CommieCanada]im sure they were intentional, because they came out of your head, however, as a writter/editor/publisher of fine literary works, i know that those lines detract from to otherwise well thought out lines that sound very good. its a good poem, but those two problems were distracting enough to take away from the essence[/QUOTE]

Ok, I see your point... I'm not used to critiques given with any major amount of thought, unfortunately... that appears to be the problem with S&L these days.

I shall change them, then. Cheers for the crit. :)

[QUOTE=Black Ink]GoM ruled. I remeber the days before he was mod too when he was just one of the guys. :( We could use him around again.[/QUOTE]
he came back for a while before i left. when did he leave again?

[QUOTE=Jason101]Ok, I see your point... I'm not used to critiques given with any major amount of thought, unfortunately... that appears to be the problem with S&L these days.

I shall change them, then. Cheers for the crit. :)[/QUOTE]
no problemo. if someone tells me to critique something, i go down on that sucka :thumb:

I remember JmE, but only very faintly - I think he was about when I was still a lurker. He left not long after I registered.

[QUOTE=Jason101]I remember JmE, but only very faintly - I think he was about when I was still a lurker. He left not long after I registered.[/QUOTE]
i forgot why he got demodded.

[QUOTE=RissaPoodle5207]You do? :confused:[/QUOTE]

Yes, and dk and how he got banned or whatever when his account was hacked.

[QUOTE=RazorsInTheNight]Yes, and dk and how he got banned or whatever when his account was hacked.[/QUOTE]
yeah. that happened to me like 6 times.

dang i remember when i was almost modded. then that whole fiasco came about with adam hacking the mod forum, and i read it so i was out of consideration. that was all messed up

[QUOTE=CommieCanada]no problemo. if someone tells me to critique something, i go down on that sucka :thumb:[/QUOTE]

Heh, me too... We could do with someone like you in S&L... all we get these days are the occasional good poster: Dan, Bowl_Of_Oranges, A__perfect_sonnet...
and the rest are more or less only there to post their stuff and give you a 2-line crit along the lines of 'good job, flow was a bit off in places 8/10' and then expect you to go to town on them...






...I'm ranting again, aren't I?

Wasn't there a big fiasco with LightRaven or something?

Or was that John that was involved in that one?

[QUOTE=Jason101]Heh, me too... We could do with someone like you in S&L... all we get these days are the occasional good poster: Dan, Bowl_Of_Oranges, A__perfect_sonnet...
and the rest are more or less only there to post their stuff and give you a 2-line crit along the lines of 'good job, flow was a bit off in places 8/10' and then expect you to go to town on them...






...I'm ranting again, aren't I?[/QUOTE]
a little. i would go into S&L more but i hate bad poetry. :thumb:

[QUOTE=Black Ink]Sleepy time[/QUOTE]
me too


























and by sleep, i mean p0rn! :naughty:

[QUOTE=CommieCanada]August 1st. biyotch!

and sorry dan, but really. i've seen better writting from you[/QUOTE]
God I still love this kid..

Es Amor?

[QUOTE=CommieCanada]yeah. that happened to me like 6 times.

dang i remember when i was almost modded. then that whole fiasco came about with adam hacking the mod forum, and i read it so i was out of consideration. that was all messed up[/QUOTE]

That must have just been out of my era.