Man I'd love some 15 hour shifts at work.

Tea spoon of cement funky.

I think my kidney is failing.

Which one?

Definitely the left.

Just transfer your waste to the right one.

[quote=funkyhoney;17500411]Definitely the left.[/quote]

Next time you binge drink, lay on your right side.

Problem solved. Next case?

Guv'ment came and took mah baby.

I'm driknig right now! HAH!

Oh wow, I just saw an SMS porn ad, it said "secretary? more like SEXretary!"

What a good ****ing pun. Amateur ****wits.

And then I wrote this on my works FB page because I had a long day.






There are a lot of things that make me want to shank people at random, but at about the 12/13 hour mark they start to tug at my negative emotions a lot harder. So I made a list.

What's that? It's the sound of the ****-head-mobile pulling in to catch the tallie express!

- When customers demand to have a carry bag for trivial and/or single items. One can does not warrant a carry bag in any way shape or form; when you're at the point of buying single cans no one is going to care if you drink it in public. Conversely, it also irks me when people obviously on some ill-devised 'save the planet' tirade buy three 6packs of beer and claim they do not want a carry bag, not even one. Don't complain to me when you drop them, moron, all you'll get from me is a disgruntled look.

- "What radio station is this?" a question that makes my brain hurt. Not only is it moronic as a corporate company owned by Woolworths (which ironically enough also has its own radio station, surprise!) would surely pump it's own music so it can litter the airplay with ads, but the music itself is almost always some generic pop or overplayed trash and could be heard on *any* radio station - making the question redundant.

- When customers are unable to grasp the concept that a speed-of-light swipe of their cards isn't always the best way to make a dodgy card (in desperate need of replacement, a free service that banks provide) operate correctly. Slowing down the motion so the sensor actually knows that something has passed by usually solves this head scratcher.

- Sometimes after working for upwards of 6 hours at a time my feet get a bit sore from the constant standing and moving heavy stock around and I feel the need to sit down and take the weight off them. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem possible to do this without attracting the attention of a handful of local half-wits who like to point out the 'fact' that I am "lazy". I'm sorry if your 20 years of wearing pluggers and forgoing medical care has developed you some kind of perpetual callous in your joints and ligaments, but I like real shoes and orthopaedic care.

- Customers often come in and exhibit some kind of abhorrent behaviour. Usually I try to ignore this, but the things that usually stimulates my spinal chord is doing kicks, twirls, jumps or playing grab-*** in the isles. It is important to remember that this is a liquor store. This kind of behaviour generally induces a mighty yawn from me and generally a polite "shut the **** up and stop what you are doing". When they come over and ask me why I'm 'thuch a thpoil thport,' I generally respond by informing them it is not my job to be their friend, or be nice to them if they annoy me.

- If you precede a question by saying "I know this is a stupid question, but..." it's safe to assume you will not get a legitimate answer from me because I am too busy trying to understand your incomprehensible idiocy in my head. My furrowed brows and angry demeanour will testify to this.

- I have nothing to do with the price of items in any of the stores I work at. Also, all the prices are universal all over the state. Complaining at me will make no difference to this and will head you down the path to a cool boot in the face.

- If you have somehow been spurned in the past by an employee at a bottle shop, I don't need to hear about it. By stating that you "need" a receipt because you've been ripped off before due to your own idiocy, you are making a judgement call about me. And it's not a good one, kindly die. I'm not going to rip you off for a 6pack, I have better thing to do with my life, like keeping my income stable.

- When customers purchase 6 bottles of the same kind of wine to get the best price possible and they take all 6 out of the fridge as if it is possible to consume that much liquor in the time it would take for one bottle to become chilled in the fridge. Also, taking the last item from the fridge and asking me if there is any more cold items is moronic, if there was no such thing as pity I'd have nothing but contempt for you.

- Coming in and demanding a product that I have never heard of, is not in our computer system, you don't have any idea about and refuse to look for isn't the best way to actually find something. It is the best way to get a cup of shut the **** up, however. Nothing irks me more than someone coming in and asking "what's good" or "what's on special", taste is subjective and the specials are clearly marked, grow a ****ing brain.

I would ask you "what's good?" because I'm rather new to the whole alcohol business. However, it would be phrased more like this:

"Excuse, me, sir. I'm looking for a bottle of spiced rum, but not Captain Morgan. What else would you suggest?"

Then after I make my purchase:

"Thank you, valued employee with a trusted opinion who took time out of his busy work schedule to help me find a delicious bottle of Sailor Jerry. I greatly appreciate you and the services you offer. Please, sit back and rest those tired feet - you've earned it."

If you don't like people just recommend them Coyote Tequila.

That's more like it!

No, I just want something other than:

"What's good?"
"Well.. What is it you're after?"
"Beer"
"... What kind?"
"What's on special?"
"... What do you WANT"

Hurgh. I don't need a big speel about how good of a worker I am; but I DO know enough about beer, wine and spirits to be helpful to 95% of customers, just some common ****ing courtesy.

[QUOTE=gaslight;17500507]If you don't like people just recommend them Coyote Tequila.[/QUOTE]

If it's anythign like Six Shooter; I usually do.

Your job makes you too unhappy at home Funky.

I know. Having said that, my home life mainly involves liquor, facebook and mx. With a bass. I've been pretty boring lately.

[quote=funkyhoney;17500515]I know. Having said that, my home life mainly involves liquor, facebook and mx. With a bass. I've been pretty boring lately.[/quote]

I feel ya. My life has consisted of hours of school and working on my bass picking due to the broken finger. Haven't seen my girl in two weeks, which in turn means, I haven't gotten laid in two weeks. sadface

Cas = Dead.

You're dead.

To me.

omg wanna bang

No.

A gay dude complimented me in the street today. I feel pretty lucky. I mean, if it had been a girl I'd feel a lot better, but its something.

What happened to that hot smart chick you were interested in?

BTW, Ben, my girl wants to plan a trip sometime next year where we fly to Canada and she wants to go to a part of Canada that has a relatively large French-speaking population. Do you live in one of those areas? I figure that she can galavant around speaking in French and you and I can get drunk and play bass.

[QUOTE=BenJammin;17500902]What happened to that hot smart chick you were interested in?[/QUOTE]

>hot smart chick
>hot
>smart

Choose one.

[QUOTE=Pluperfect_Arson;17500944]>hot smart chick
>hot
>smart

Choose one.[/QUOTE]

Haha. The variation I've heard is:

hot, smart, sane. Choose two.

[QUOTE=FunkMetalBass;17500925]BTW, Ben, my girl wants to plan a trip sometime next year where we fly to Canada and she wants to go to a part of Canada that has a relatively large French-speaking population. Do you live in one of those areas? I figure that she can galavant around speaking in French and you and I can get drunk and play bass.[/QUOTE]

Actually, I am. New Brunswick is the only bilingual province in the entire country (a huge amount of French here).

[quote=BenJammin;17500966]Actually, I am. New Brunswick is the only bilingual province in the entire country (a huge amount of French here).[/quote]

Well, if we end up following through with the week in Canada, I'll hit you up (unless you don't want to catch any diseases, in which case, I understand :upset: )

I'd be down, dude.

I'm totally curious to play that Stambaugh. Do you think you'd let me touch it and maybe try to play it a little?

Obviously. I take care of my bass, but I don't baby it or anything.

[quote=BenJammin;17500990]Obviously. I take care of my bass, but I don't baby it or anything.[/quote]

Sweetness. I've never played on a fanned fretboard before, so it'll be interesting.

How's the Brice working for ya? Thrown those TI flats on yet?

[QUOTE=BenJammin;17500963]Haha. The variation I've heard is:

hot, smart, sane. Choose two.[/QUOTE]

well, that is actually the choice I had to make. sanity: not as much as i wanted.

[QUOTE=FunkMetalBass;17500971]Well, if we end up following through with the week in Canada, I'll hit you up (unless you don't want to catch any diseases, in which case, I understand :upset: )[/QUOTE]

I also live in a fairly French speaking area. By the way.

Also, Ben, what do you say to me coming down in a few weeks? or you coming up, either is fine.

[QUOTE=Efrim;17501097]I also live in a fairly French speaking area. By the way.

Also, Ben, what do you say to me coming down in a few weeks? or you coming up, either is fine.[/QUOTE]

Man, I'd be totally down for that. Preferably you coming down, since I'm still in the middle of finding a job and all that jazz. But I can definitely put you up here for however long.

can someone put me up?

[QUOTE=BenJammin;17501212]Man, I'd be totally down for that. Preferably you coming down, since I'm still in the middle of finding a job and all that jazz. But I can definitely put you up here for however long.[/QUOTE]

gotcha. I'm still settling into my apartment/work schedule, so it'll be a couple o' weeks before I'm ready to come down.

Sure thing, man. Just let me know. Any time is good, really. I'll make sure there's Best Bitter in the fridge waiting for you. :p

Damn I love having a full time job and saving all this money I'm saving. I spend as much as I want and still end up saving plenty. Can't wait to buy a Tele... maybe this weekend.

It better be natural finish with a black pick guard or I shall drown a puppy.


Man I saw Bill Callahan playing a semi hollow body tele the other day. It was so sweet.