Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Don't You Fake It Review

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus Don't You Fake It

Full Review

Tracklist:
1.In Fate's Hands
2.Waiting
3.False Pretense
4.Face Down
5.Misery Loves Its Company
6.Cat and Mouse
7.Damn Regret
8.Atrophy
9.Seventeen Ain't So Sweet
10.Justify
11.Your Guardian Angel

Release Date: 2006

Ranking: #173 for 2006

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1 awful	by Lord Worm (3 Reviews) 2006-12-08 \| 112 comments \| 12625 views
Other Reviews: Mike Roberts * (3.5),

Summary: YOUR MOM FAKED IT

26 of 32 thought this review was well written

I'm sitting here at my computer, staring at the monitor, and I am afraid. I do not want to do this. A few hours ago, I downloaded The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus’ “Don’t You Fake It,” and I am actually going to listen to it. I am going to take a deep look into the lyrics and analyze them as best I can during the song. I am going to actually contemplate whether the musicians are competent or not. That’s right. I’m only listening to this once. I will force myself to sit through “Don’t You Fake It” and write down my thoughts about each song. I’m doing it for you Sputnik. So now I’m gonna cut the shit and get right to it.

One listen per song, no repeats, no rewinding. Here we go.

1. In Fate’s Hands - Okay the intro is nice enough, with some strummed power chords and then all of a sudden there’s this big pop-punk explosion. Okay here I am thinking that I can actually get into this but then the singer opens his mouth and I immediately wish I was doing something else entirely. This guy’s voice is really bad. It’s high pitched, but not the good kind of high pitched like Claudio Sanchez or that Mars Volta dude. This is the forced, New Found Glory hold your nose high pitched. Okay now there’s some screaming and it’s really bad and awful, it might even be worse than Matt Heafy. I guess this song is supposed to be anthemic, due to the “hey hey heys” I’m hearing. God dammit if I listen to this guy’s voice for too much longer it just might kill me. So now the song has slowed down and I’m expecting some kind of climax. The singer does a sort of pig squeal-scream hybrid and goes back into the chorus. I guess I should talk about the instruments now. They are really just boring and average. More to come on them because thank God this song is over.

2. Waiting - Hmm this song starts off sounding like some average pop-punk song that I can’t remember the name of, I think it was something by Hawthorne Heights. Hey that reminds me – this singer really sounds like the dude from Hawthorne Heights! Only slightly less annoying, so he gets a point for that. These guys seem to like chanting unintelligibly underneath their singer; that’s two songs in a row. As far as the instruments are going so far, they’re really unnoticeable. They just kinda plod along trying to hold the song together, which so far they are incapable of doing. Okay so now there’s a bridge, and the singer is singing “Take time to contemplate who you are.” Hey why don’t you take some time to contemplate giving up on singing? Track over.

3. False Pretense - “It’s time to let it go” opens this song up. Lyrics so far talk about being an individual and not listening to all those mean people who say that you’re fat and guys shouldn’t wear eyeliner. Don’t listen to them, emo kid. They just don’t understand you. Hey there’s some badass hand claps in this song! Handclaps make me happy, so this song is a slight step up from the last two. Unfortunately this song is still a gem of mediocrity. Now the singer is all like “I can’t seem to understand it, how you turned out to be so cold.” Wow we haven’t heard that before! “Be as cliché as you can be” seems to be this band’s motto. This is honestly the most manufactured music I have ever heard. I’m trying to think of a joke about how this song is called “False Pretense” and this band is trying to be successful under the false pretense of writing good music. Yeah that joke really did sound better in my head. Next.

4. Face Down - Oh yes here we have the single. God I hate this song. This is supposed to be some sort of anthem for people in abusive relationships. It actually starts off pretty promising, but then it gets to the chorus and I remember how much the band sucks. The singer’s singing is extra annoying, and that guitar riff mimicking the vocal line isn’t helping at all. The guitarists tone is horrible. “Do you feel like a man when you push her around?” says the singer. Well the message is nice enough, but it just comes off as uninspired. Now we get to the bridge and the singer decides to go waaaay beyond his range, and then caps it off with another pig squeal. As if hearing that once wasn’t bad enough, they decide to repeat that section at the end of the song. Oh dear Lord I hate this band.

5. Misery Love Its Company - Okay here’s where I put Winamp on pause, take a look at the song’s title, and acknowledge that it’s really stupid. This one starts off slow, and I am hoping to God that this is not a ballad. Whew it’s picking up and I am thanking Jesus. Oh but wait, the singer is screaming again which makes me honestly just want to chop his head off. Well it isn’t a ballad, but it’s slower. Okay if a member of The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus is reading this: never make a slower song ever again. Your fast songs are bad enough, but this is just ten times worse. In fact, never make any more music again. I really just can’t fathom why this guy is singing for a living. He is the most god awful excuse for a vocalist that I have ever heard. Even when there are some bitchin’ effects on his vocals, like during the bridge, he still sounds nasally and awful and ugh. Now he’s saying “We are destined to fail” and I laugh at the irony contained within. Song over.

6. Cat and Mouse - Piano playing! Okay I am actually happy to be listening to this right now. Shit then the singer dude starts wailing and fucks everything up again. I really hate this guy. Well this one might be the album’s ballad. “Am I supposed to be happy when all I ever wanted comes with a price” are some choice cuts from this track. Yes, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus singer dude, you are supposed to be happy. Being sad sure as hell isn’t working out for you. I was right, this song is the ballad. I hope it picks up at the end because right now it’s turning out to be the most boring song I’ve ever heard. “You said that you would die for me, you must live for me too.” God that is just the most deep, insightful lyrical passage I have ever heard. Now the singer is saying “yeah” over and over and my hatred for him multiples tenfold. Instrumentally this song is nice enough. It’s got some sweet piano and alright drums and I think I can hear some acoustic guitar but it’s really low in the mix and probably sucks anyway. So really the only cool thing about this song is the piano. Yeah.

7. Damn Regret - This song has a swear word in the title! Hardcore if I ever saw it. Man this main riff is annoying. “Damn regret, I’ll try to forget.” I’ll be regretting listening to this and trying to forget about it once I’m done. Okay that guitarist just does not want to stop playing all these annoying riffs. He’s been playing the same thing during this whole song and it’s really all I can hear right now and it’s taking over my thoughts. Well for the last minute or so he stops playing that riff so thank the faggot faux-emo gods for that.

8. Atrophy - Woo this song seems to be a rip-off of Rise Against’s “The Approaching Curve” because it starts off with some spoken word gayness. But unlike Rise Against, this sucks. Hmm this chorus sounds remarkably similar to “Face Down,” and I would not be surprised if they just used the same template for every song, just changing around lyrics and a few notes. Okay this screaming is just god awful. Even though they only do it like once a song, it will probably be the only thing that I will remember after listening to this. Hey more piano! Did I mention that I like piano? Well I do, and that’s the only thing keeping me from hitting the stop button and slamming my head against a brick wall right now. I just heard the singer say “atrophy” and for some reason I doubt he can even spell the damn word. Now there’s some more of those anthemic full-band vocals underneath the singer’s nasal vocal styling and I am really getting sick of it. Track ends with some feedback.

9. Seventeen Ain’t So Sweet - “Well she never was the best at following the trends.” Hey that’s funny because this band seems to be really frigging good at following trends. More average guitar playing and more average drumming and more inaudible bass that sucks anyway and more god-awful singing. “Seventeen is just a test” is probably supposed to be some deep lyric that emo fags everywhere can relate to and sit around on the floor while smoking pot and think about how messed up their lives are because their parents won’t let them get their nose pierced. Okay someone needs to send a letter to these guitarists and let them know that these high-pitched guitar riffs are just not cutting it. The trend in pop-punk these days seems to be “show off your guitar virtuosity by playing a high pitched riff that follows the vocal line.” Well that is honestly the worst musical cliché to ever become popular and I vow to never listen to this song again.

10. Justify - Hmm this one starts off with some effect on the instruments that sounds really bad and I am not surprised. This song is called “Justify” and I really want to meet this band in person so they can “Justify” their reasons for making this awful record. Honestly, this is like a carbon copy of Hawthorne Heights. And if you’re a copy of Hawthorne Heights, then you have reached the bottom of the barrel. This is the kind of band that people like for a week and then forget about once the single is taken off the air. Hopefully The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus will mercifully fade into the inky blackness of wherever it is that mediocre trend bands go when their flame is snuffed out. Once again the singer is going way out of his range and I’m starting to think that I can’t take much more of this. Only two left.

11. Your Guardian Angel - The acoustic guitar strumming in the beginning of this song is making me sick already. “When I see your smile, the tears roll down my face.” What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Why would you cry when you see someone smile? Oh I get it. This pasty piece of crap just can’t stand to see someone happy I guess. “I will never let you fall, I will stand up with you forever.” Wow that is deep. This guy is a poet. Now he’s telling me that “it’s okay.” No Red Jumpsuit Apparatus guy, it is not okay. You have wasted my time with this record. You, your band, and whoever signed you to a record label have a special place in hell. Oh hey the song just got loud and I guess it’s supposed to be a poignant moment because he’s going “whoa oh oh oh staaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.” This is the part in the hero’s story where he begs his emo boyfriend to stay with him because he just can’t live without him. The song is fading out and ending now and I am ejaculating for joy.

12. Grim Goodbye - Okay what the hell. I thought that last song was over. I started a new paragraph and everything! But for some reason they decided to put some pointless minute of silence at the end of that song. God damn I hate this band. The last song on the album starts off with some toneless guitar twiddling, and then some power chords are forcefully banged out. Okay the singer needs to just start singing and get it over with for God’s sake so I can stop anticipating how bad it will sound. Well now I’m hearing some more “whoa oh oh ohs” and I’m contemplating suicide. Lyrics in this one talk about how you can’t break the singer’s spirit and you can’t bring him down. You know, stuff you’ve heard a billion times. “Jericho falls around me.” Bible stories! As if this record wasn’t boring enough already, they just had to go and talk about the freaking Bible. I just looked at the song’s length and I see 7:39. Are you fucking kidding me? Are these guys serious? Seven and a half fucking minutes of this. This is the most directionless song I’ve ever heard. It’s just kind of plodding along from section to section with no real reason or purpose.

That was getting long so I’m starting a new paragraph and fuck you if you don’t like it. So now we have a long screaming passage and I’m hating my life right about now. More screaming and I’m getting the feeling that these guys are trying to be post hardcore but are falling flat on their face. As if seven minutes of this guy’s singing wasn’t bad enough, I have to listen to the most average guitarists and drummer in existence. Seriously these guys’ riffs are worse than frigging Simple Plan. So I’m at six minutes and I really just want this to be over because the guitarist is playing another one of those high-pitched annoying riffs and there’s some more “whoa oh ohs” which the band seems really fond of. Right now the singer’s screaming is really reminding me of Howard Jones for some reason, which makes me never want to touch Killswitch Engage with a ten foot pole ever again. Twenty seconds left and they try to end it with a big huge exploding orgasm of suck, i.e. a loud pig squeal with some feedback. Christ almighty.

So basically, in conclusion The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus is one of the most awful bands that I have ever listened to. They’re bland, they’re recycled, they’re a carbon copy of every shitty faux-emo pop-punk band to surface in the last year or two. The vocals are unbearable and the instruments are about as mediocre as they come. They’re worse than freaking Simple Plan. I hate them more than Metallica. That really takes some doing. The only reason I give this a 1.5 instead of a 1 is because of the thirty seconds of piano on the record and also because I’m a nice guy. Actually you know what? Fuck that. I'm giving this a 1. This is the worst album I've ever heard. This is worse than St. Anger. I hope to our dear Lord in heaven that I never have to hear something this bad again. Fuck you, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. If I had the money, I would buy every god damn one of your records and personally burn each one of them individually. Such is the hate I feel towards this band.

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