Mike Jones
Who Is Mike Jones?


1.5
very poor

Review

by Mr. Lean Mug USER (112 Reviews)
June 14th, 2006 | 54 replies | 8,173 views


Release Date: 2005 | Tracklist


8 of 9 thought this review was well written

Houston, Texas. This town has been very busy in the last year or so. Busy producing some of the hottest, most successful mainstream rappers to recently hit the scene. Notable Houston based artists include Paul Wall, Chamillionaire, Slim Thug, and Mike Jones. Now then, the million dollar question is really quite simple:

Who Mike Jones?

If I was going to dismiss with all eloquence, I’d basically just say that he’s a suck rapper. Unfortunately, I have to look at this from as an unbiased point of view as I can possibly muster. Now, I must admit that the only works I’ve heard from Mr. Jones are contained on his latest studio release, 2005’s Who Is Mike Jones?. I can say this much with an honest heart, though: if his previous works are anything like this tripe, then I won’t feel any remorse whatsoever for my berating of him.

Who Is Mike Jones? is really just absolutely terrible. I can’t really believe how such a ridiculously bad album reached certified two times platinum status in just about a year. I mean, sure, most mainstream hip-hop chart toppers aren’t all that impressive, but at least their music is decent. It’s actually hard to explain in words exactly how bad Who Is Mike Jones? really is. I’ve compiled a brief list of adjectives that aptly sum up the entire album: abhorrent, appalling, atrocious, awful, beastly, dangerous, desperate, dire, disastrous, disturbing, dread, dreaded, dreadful, extreme, fearful, frightful, ghastly, gruesome, harrowing, hateful, hideous, horrendous, horrid, horrifying, inconvenient, loathsome, monstrous, obnoxious, odious, offensive, petrifying, poor, repulsive, revolting, rotten, serious, severe, shocking, unfortunate, unnerving, unpleasant, unwelcome, vile. Anyone of the aforementioned words would do quite well if included in a sentence alongside Who Is Mike Jones?.

Now, just what makes this album so bad? Well, Mike Jones first and foremost, has one of the biggest egos in music history. That’s really saying something. I say this due to that fact that his name appears no less than three times in the lyrics sheet of every single song on Who Is Mike Jones?. I get the freakin’ idea about who you are, so shut up, alright Mike Jones? Colloquialisms states that “Vanity, thy name is teenage girl." However, after listening to Who Is Mike Jones?, you’ll wonder why it isn’t “Vanity, thy name is Mike Jones." Actually, Mike Jones, you could use that for your next album title, Mike Jones; did I type your name (Mike Jones) enough in this run-on sentence, Mike Jones? Right, since the use of his name seems to make up a good percentage of the lyrics sheet how do the other words stack up? Well, they don’t. They actually are the poetic incarnation of a house of cards in a category five hurricane. Mike Jones has absolutely no talent as a lyricist. His rhymes (I hesitate to deign these jokes as rhymes) are inane, sloppy, and just plain stupid.

None of this is helped by Mike Jones’ laughably pathetic delivery. His rapping style is just incredibly poor. He’s annoying, inconsistent, and just plain irritating to listen to. You honestly can’t enjoy Who Is Mike Jones? simply because of the fact that Mike Jones is just horrible at what he does. I mean, on top of that, there’s just no attitude. Hip-hop should have plenty of attitude and ambition. You can hear neither in Mike Jones’ voice. He could essentially be rapping the words “Me, Myself, and Mike Jones" over and over again, and this album would retain roughly the same level of quality. Actually, no, that’s slightly inaccurate. Who Is Mike Jones? would actually improve if it was remixed with those as the only lyrics. I would suggest this to Mr. Jones, but he already has a “screwed and chopped" version of the album out, and the world doesn’t need any other version of this mess. That and the fact that Who Is Mike Jones? would still suck, due to the fact that every third lyric on every song would feature Mike Jones’ name (currently, it’s something like [guesstimate] 1:5).

Oh yeah, as if things couldn’t get much worse, we haven’t even hit the worst part of the record. And what would that be? It’s what I consider to be the life-blood of a good album: rhythm and flow; meaning, the melody, the beat, the general feel. Well, it compliments the vocal style and lyric composition perfectly. Yes, dear reader, that’s right: on Who Is Mike Jones, we’ve reached a holy trinity of suckage. The beats and melodies are just atrocious. Mike Jones just doesn’t have the talent to mesh well with anything. Not only are his songs peppered with soporific musical compositions and irksome samplings, none of it works together in any semblance of a coherent fashion.

Even the singles are terrible. “Back Then" and “Still Tippin’" represent the pinnacle of all of the problems with modern mainstream rap. Hell, the fact that an album that contains these songs can even sell if one of the music industry in general’s biggest problems. Both songs are equally pitiable. The tracks feature Mike Jones’ signature sloppy, repetitive, pull-your-hair-out-in-frustration feel. There really isn’t much improvement on the rest of the album. “Got It Sewed Up," “Turning Lane," “Laws Patrolling," “Cuttin’," and well, a lot of other songs, start off with Jones screeching out “Who Mike Jones?" That’s essentially the sign of a sure-fire flop. However, if I had to choose an upside to Who Is Mike Jones?, I’d say it would probably be “Scandalous Hoes," While this song isn’t really very good, it’s still a head or two above its track listing peers. “Scandalous Hoes" is especially nice due to the fact that you don’t here “Who Mike Jones?" until roughly the middle of the track.

I honestly have to say, I rarely come across an album that I genuinely dislike. Who Is Mike Jones? is a freak occurrence, because I don’t just genuinely dislike it: I hate it. It’s simply a horrible, horrible album. I usually like to compare its contents to other chart-topping rap albums. The results are generally surprising: Who Is Mike Jones? improves the sound of nearly every other low-class piece of trash out there. I eventually started comparing it to albums of other genres, and I must admit I owe Mike Jones for something: he made me genuinely dislike quite a few albums, on quite a broad spectrum. I’m afraid to compare Who Is Mike Jones? to any other albums that I actually hate, for fear that my head will explode. Now, why the rating? Why not just a little lower? Well, for one, because of the whole aforementioned appreciation of trash thing. For another, due to the fact that “Scandalous Hoes" is a decent enough song. Still, I’d be happy if I never had to hear the names “Mike" or “Jones" put together ever again.



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Comments:Add a Comment 
monkey_dancer
June 14th 2006



127 Comments


That this album sold any copies is a testament to the fact that nowadays, suckers will buy anything. Good review, you DID explain why you hate it, which is a sursprisingly rare thing.

But you said the 'word' "guesstimate"!!!!! Its not a word and that always annoys me. Good review of a bad album. (note: I didn't buy it, somebody played me it)

The Jungler
June 14th 2006



4827 Comments


This guy is trash.

Good review Kat.

Rams
June 14th 2006



31 Comments


Back then they didn't want me, now I'm hot they all on me.

When my friend bought this, we skipped to the next track every time he said the words "Mike Jones". I think the album clocked in a little over 8 minutes.

Thor
June 14th 2006



10176 Comments


Excellent review. Mike Jones is total garbage and isn't even funny.

masada
June 14th 2006



2733 Comments


You know what's funny? You not making a list.

Nice review/rant.

masada
June 14th 2006



2733 Comments


Well actually I was speaking to Thor there.

"Freshly Baked"
June 14th 2006



583 Comments


Mike Jones....


...who?

masada
June 14th 2006



2733 Comments


where da sizzzzurp a lurp?

NEDM
June 14th 2006



1113 Comments


Still Tippin is the worst song I've heard in years.
Nice job on the review Hep Kat.

Iluvatar
Staff Reviewer
June 14th 2006



16081 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0 | Sound Off

This guy makes my skin crawl. Pretty nice work yo.

Big Fat Toady
June 14th 2006



2 Comments


Nice job. Mike Jones sucks.

Oddsen
June 14th 2006



1127 Comments


I havn't really heard any of this, but even if it sucks, i can still belive that there are 2 million people out there that are stupid enough to buy this. Nice review

masada
June 14th 2006



2733 Comments


i'm mike jonesier than this

DFelon204409
Emeritus
June 14th 2006



3995 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

This is not THAT bad.

Two-Headed Boy
June 14th 2006



4527 Comments


Yeah. A five. :cool:

masada
June 14th 2006



2733 Comments


that's a bit biased don't you think?

Two-Headed Boy
June 14th 2006



4527 Comments


But Mike Jonez iz a sick rick.

masada
June 14th 2006



2733 Comments


slick rick

Two-Headed Boy
June 14th 2006



4527 Comments


Tomato Tomatto.

metallicaman8
June 14th 2006



4677 Comments


Haven't heard of this guy, based on the review I probably won't look into it.



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