Bon Jovi
Slippery When Wet


1.5
very poor

Review

by JohnnySixGuns USER (8 Reviews)
June 12th, 2006 | 45 replies


Release Date: 1986 | Tracklist


For the love of humanity, this album sucks! Were they trying to drive a nail through the heart of rock n roll with this happy crappy? WTF is this all about? Do my ears deceive me? Unfortunately they don't. Americans must have been desperate in 1986 for something. Anything, apparently. Because this record stinks on ice.

Let's not waste time. We'll get to the incredible suckitude right off the bat. "Let It Rock" kicks off this bland collection of songs with some god awful organ intro reminiscent of some god awful Styx song and then continues to plunder and rape bad bands gone past with over five minutes of what sounds like Kiss at their bombastic worst. "Let it rock/Let it roll/ You can't stop the fire burning out of control". Meh, this song is DOA with stale hard rock riffs and Jon sounding like a screechy Paul Stanley. Yawn. Next we're treated to the over loud and overbearing "You Give Love A Bad Name". Almost right. Rename this super smash garbage "We Give Rock A Bad Name" and it would suit this song to a tee. "Shot through the heart and you're to blame/Darlin' you give love a bad name"! Well, ok. But why do you sound like a choir of fifty proclaiming it rather then the little Jersey band you are, you sugary Def Leppard wannabes. This super smash single gives all involved a bad name. And they go on and on and on with cliche after cliche after cliche. "I play my part/And you play your game/You give love a bad name" they continue with a macho whine that has to be heard to be believed. Well judging from this weak effort you deserve it, you putz.

Good stuff next. What? Someone switch the record? Nope. No such luck. Just a single good song in a sea of poo. "Living On A Prayer" is a good song that hints at some sort of originality and passion, and it's corny, heartfelt lyrics, while coming off like Springsteen lite, are nonetheless effective given this musical treatment. A bouncy pop like tune, this song gets over like nothing else on the record. Or who knows, it may very well suck like most of the record? But I like it.

Going back to the toilet for the next track we are treated to faux horns and bland, tired riffs as "Social Disease" comes blaring from the speakers. More dismal, bloated, silliness. Everything so perfect and in place. And WTF is he singing about? I have no idea? And I don't want to know. This is simply four minutes of unlistenable slick dreck. Not to outdo themselves though, we are then treated to the bland and cliched hard life on the road tune "Dead Or Alive". Apparently these rock stars life on the road is just too much to bear. And they want to tell us all about it with gentle acoustic guitars and some cliched guitar leads. I'm a cowboy/On a steel horse I ride/I'm wanted dead or alive". 'O rly? The whining never stops. And I thought Nirvana were babies, but these guys take the cake. "I've seen a million faces/And I've rocked 'em all", Jon sings. Um, no. You have not. Trust me. Not with this poor excuse for rock n roll.

Second half of the record kicks off with some second rate "Crazy Train" sounding guitar work and reminds us to "Raise Your Hand". This fist pounding crotch rock is yet another DOA track that even in 1986 must have been tired, listless, and dull. This band could be any band. Just pick one. Generic, warmed over riffs from rock school 101 and cliche after cliche abound. It's enough to make me want to hurl. "Without Love" comes along next and despite it's same bloated and sugary production manages to be a good song. What? An actual song on the record? Yup. This makes two. Not to worry though, because things go right back to hell on the next track "I'd Die For You". I'd die for you/I'd cry for you/If it came right down to me and you/Baby you know it's true" Jon sings as the band unrocks out behind him, sounding like some second rate REO Speedwagon. Well if I were the chick, I would take him up on the offer. Then I wouldn't have to listen to this mess anymore.

Album wraps up with the bland and stale ballad "Never Say Goodbye" that finds our hero professing his lame greeting card emotions for yet another girl of his desire while once again the band seemingly plays the same tired song behind him that they have played the whole record, and finishes with the poppy and nostalgic tale of youth gone past "Wild In The Streets". More meh.

This album blows. It has a few bright spots. But a few bright spots does not make an album. Even by it's own studio rock standards this album is dismal. Unimaginative, dull, and without color or flair, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy or ex-girlfriend. And that's saying something. Kid's, if you like the rock n roll, if you respect the rock n roll, if you want the rock n roll, buy this album. And throw it in the microwave. :)



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user ratings (423)
Chart.
3.4
great
other reviews of this album
JTmusic1995 (4.5)
The breakthrough Diamond-certified album by Bon Jovi, who mix Rock N' Roll and Pop in an uncompromis...

deflepp0925 (4)
...


Comments:Add a Comment 
Patrick
June 12th 2006


1891 Comments


wow i can't believe you actually bought this

Otisbum
June 12th 2006


1912 Comments

Album Rating: 3.5

I like a few songs on this album, but atleast you had some good points to back up your opinion. Nice review.

dirty_salmon
June 12th 2006


2 Comments


Good rewiew. I agree with Otisbum.

Bon Jovi has some really, really nice songs, (Dry County, Someday I'll be a saturday night, keep the faith and runaway), but it seems that a lot of his newer songs are watered-down versions of his earlier work.



riobravo1023
June 12th 2006


274 Comments


I hate new Bon Jovi. I got the "Bounce" album free with my PS2, and I still think I paid too much. However, some of these songs are okay.This Message Edited On 06.12.06This Message Edited On 06.12.06

pattern_recognition
June 12th 2006


950 Comments


It ain't rock junior, it's pop-rock. Livin' On A Prayer, You Give Love A Bad Name, Wanted Dead Or Alive and Raise Your Hands are all extremely well-written pop songs. The rest of the album, I can take it or leave it.
This is less of a review and more of a rant. It's a fun album. Think of the cheese...the stadium singalongs...think of the posing...think of the lyrics 'I walk these streets/A loaded six-string on my back/I play for keeps/Cos I might not make it back'...think of all this, then place your tongue firmly in cheek, struggle into your leather pants, strap on your guitar and assume the position.


JohnnySixGuns
June 12th 2006


38 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

wow i can't believe you actually bought this

I wouldn't of bought this if someone paid me to buy this. It came streaming from my music service. And that's where it's going to stay. Where it can't hurt anybody.

EDIT: Hey guys, why are you negging my review? It's well written. You don't have to agree with it, but jeez. It's just my second and it's not bad at all! And it's the "Featured Review". Thanks to those who have left kind words. I'll keep trying my best....This Message Edited On 06.12.06

The Sludge
June 12th 2006


2169 Comments

Album Rating: 3.5 | Sound Off

What the hell, I didnt like this review.
Still not gonna neg it though.

onefortheman25
June 12th 2006


196 Comments


"Shot through the heart! and your to blame!... you give love... A BAD NAME!"

yeah!!!!

The Sludge
June 12th 2006


2169 Comments

Album Rating: 3.5 | Sound Off

I sort of liked the Atreyu cover of that song...

Wanted Dead Or Alive pwns.

onefortheman25
June 12th 2006


196 Comments


yah it does. this album isn't all that bad,

Zesty Mordant
June 12th 2006


1196 Comments


Sorry, but this was not a good review. Its fine that you don't like the album, but you don't offer any basis as to why it sucks beyond the fact that its over-polished studio rock with "tired riffs". Well duh, its Bon Jovi; not Bob Dylan, not Sonic Youth. They are SUPPOSED to be exactly that, nothing more, nothing less.
The fact of the matter is that you seem to use an inappropriate "lens" in reviewing the album. Now, if you reviewed it under the standards of pop-rock/hair metal/etc and found it poor, this would've made it a much better review.

Ive seen a million faces/And Ive rocked em all, Jon sings. Um, no. You have not. Trust me.

No actually, given their massive record sales and concert numbers, those lyrics are pretty apt.


spoon_of_grimbo
June 12th 2006


2241 Comments


i've only heard the famous singles off this, but they're pretty good. no-one writes great pop-rock like bon jovi.

Zesty Mordant
June 12th 2006


1196 Comments


yeah, but they probably knew that this was gonna make them big given the way the industry got behind them in the producing of this album. Kinda like when Fiddy started to rep himself even before his debut came out.
And did you make this the featured review?

The Sludge
June 12th 2006


2169 Comments

Album Rating: 3.5 | Sound Off

I dont know, my Pickin' On Green Day review is looking better after reading this 'featured review'.

John Paul Harrison
June 12th 2006


1014 Comments


I thought Nirvana were babies


This bit made me cry a little.

But overall, I enjoyed your review. Took guts, it did.

The Sludge
June 12th 2006


2169 Comments

Album Rating: 3.5 | Sound Off

[quote=Zesty Mordant]yeah, but they probably knew that this was gonna make them big given the way the industry got behind them in the producing of this album. Kinda like when Fiddy started to rep himself even before his debut came out.[/quote]
This was their third release, they didnt have high hopes before this was released, just that they were touring extensivly after 7800 Degrees Farenheight was released.

NEDM
June 12th 2006


1113 Comments


I never liked Bon Jovi at all. The music is just so mainstream-sounding, with the cookie-cutter vocals. My parents grew up with him in high school though, in Asbury Park, New Jersey. But even my parents think that his music is crappy.

JohnnySixGuns
June 12th 2006


38 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

overall, I enjoyed your review.

Thanks John Paul.

It's a fair review, as it is not unheard of that many people feel this sucks as bad as I do. I just wish they would show up.This Message Edited On 06.12.06

Med57
Moderator
June 12th 2006


1001 Comments


This album is great. It's cliched as hell, but it's great anyway because it writes the cliche. A lot of Bon Jovi's stuff is rubbish, but I rate this very highly...within the genre, it's one of the best albums that there is. I liked the review though. Delightfully opinionated.

Storm In A Teacup
June 12th 2006


13161 Comments


this review was well written.
I like You Give Love A Bad Name.



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