Review Summary: Can you feel what I want you to do?
Big Ass Wankers. The title is so blatantly vulgar and in-your-face that you can’t help but be drawn towards it. You see, Big Nig, aka Frippertronics here on Sputnikmusic, is no ordinary musician. For on the eighth day, it was written that God Almighty looked upon the Earth and said, “Let there be horrible noises”. And thus, Big Nig began to bless (or curse) the world of mortals with his style of experimental “music”. Whether it was the layers among layers of vocals on
Trout Black Replica or the loud droning of
2014, Big Nig was always reaching out for the stars. But alas, he was still unsatisfied with his sound. He wanted to create something
revolutionary. Something with no rhyme, reason, or actual thought put into it. Something so random and incomprehensibly over-the-top, that it would literally change music as we know it. Lo’ and behold, on the day of April 1st in the year of our lord 2014, Big Nig crafted his masterpiece. Its name?
Big Ass Wankers.
Big Ass Wankers wastes absolutely no time in establishing its brutality with “Big Ass Wankers Vocal Orgasm”. Here, Big Nig takes a massive conundrum of sounds ranging from an electric guitar playing a random riff to a cowbell’s obnoxious ringing, and slaps them all together with ad-libbed vocals. The song features some of the best lyrics written during Big Nig’s career, including: “
This is a song that went on too long/Now come and suck my dong, Amy Wong”, and
I fucking love the sunshine/I fucking love the rain/I fucking love the pleasure/And I do love the snoopy (???). “Big Ass Wankers: The Original Fucking April Fools Instrumental Cumshot Done in Mixcraft6 in 3 Minutes” follows up on this with the exact same barrage of face-meltingly brutal noises, but without the Cro-Magnon vocalizations of the former track.
Big Ass Wankers is an anomaly. There’s absolutely no structure to it, and the two songs are identical save for the aforementioned vocals on “Big Ass Wankers Vocal Orgasm”. But is that really a negative? When Frippertronics created this project, he crafted every masterpiece with the intention of going straight into the mind of Big Nig. And with each album since its inception, Big Nig’s thought process has gradually become more and more erratic. Perhaps
Big Ass Wankers is that insanity coming full circle. Maybe it’s a metaphor for the sea of madness a man must wade through every day just to get by. Or it could represent the fall from grace humanity is doomed to face, and the void that will be left in the absence of civilization. Or maybe it’s none of those things. Maybe it’s just Fripp fucking around and doing what he does best: Creating awful noises disguised as “experimental music”. We may never know.
If the past two paragraphs of pseudo-philosophical bullshit haven’t convinced you yet, here it is:
Big Ass Wankers is the true culmination of every horrifying act Big Nig has perpetrated on his listeners' ears; it is the aural equivalent of a car accident. With every horrifying peek at the gory splattered metal carnage, you will only be left to want to look once more before you pass it, possibly never to experience it again. It combines the pace of a Mastodon guitar solo, the atmosphere of the experience of slamming a brick into your forehead, and the intelligence of a broken lawnmower to create the year's true classic. And if you put your heart into it, and reach out into places you’ve never felt before, it might just come to you. But if for nothing else, remember:
At least it’s better than the new Opeth.
