Review Summary: Neckbeards of the World Unite.
Why musical evolution nowadays is regarded as awkwardly hobbling together disparate genres bewilders me, but makes sense considering the nostalgic nature musical youth have begun to take in lieu of actually rebelling against the internet and Justin Bieber. Japan's Babymetal are easily the worst product of this lazy man's 'innovation', the result of Japanese music industry types recognizing the strong crossover in fedora-clad fanbase who absorb speed metal and J-Pop and tricking those undesirables into believing that they have found a band on the cutting edge.
On their frustratingly and idiotically titled debut, BABYMETAL
, awkward heavy metal non-compositions give way to embarrassingly misplaced J-Pop sections, sickeningly saccharine sweet choruses that would not sound out of place on one of the worse-off Sonic the Hedgehog games rubbing up against riffs so turgid even Jeff Waters wouldn't give them the time of day. With the exception of "Megistune" and other fleeting moments of pleasure (chorus of "Gimme Chocolate!!", occasionally hilarious moments of self-parody on "Head Bangya!!"), Babymetal don't actually fuse genres as much as they force them together like 2 jigsaw pieces clearly not
designed for each other. Nothing clearly stands out, either; far too often the songs fall into the basic song structure of 'pop bit/speed metal bit/repeat'. With that in mind, stupidity has never been a bigger prerequisite for listening to music.
Many have said the problem with Babymetal haters is that they take themselves too seriously and have problems letting themselves go. I can safely say though that the problem here isn't so much 'letting go' as it is 'ignoring all self-respect'. To regard the dreadfully childish vocals and puerile guitars as anything other than a chore would be wrong. In Layman's terms, Babymetal are diluted purveyors of hastily knocked together shi
te, passed off as 'new' and 'exciting'.
Among the bevy of poorly informed metal bands today like R'n'B/metalcore fusion act Issues, Babymetal stick out primarily for all the undeserved critical praise lauded upon them; simply put, Babymetal don't make me angry because they aren't 'pure metal' or 'true metal' or whatever-the-fu
ck neckbeard minorities want to label it, Babymetal make me angry because they've had the cart placed before the horse. Removed of journalistic nonsense and inane critical platitudes, Babymetal are just about the single most unlistenable band to emerge from heavy metal in the '10s. Avoid.