Ed Sheeran
x


1.0
awful

Review

by Scott M. Baldwin USER (89 Reviews)
June 25th, 2014 | 52 replies | 2,340 views


Release Date: 06/23/2014 | Tracklist

Review Summary: A story for the ages.

2 of 18 thought this review was well written

The day after his very short life ended, the son of god, Jesus Christ laid in his tomb for a full three days. When he was risen from the grave, his father had given him a new task: teach the world about indie music. It was an obscure way of life not having been thought up, even when news of Jesus changing water to wine and raising Lazarus from the grave was making its rounds. Nobody had heard of this primitive new way of life, and Jesus taught the world to revel in its sheer earnestness. Not long after, the people of Jerusalem were making their own forms of the "indie" mantra- indie folk, indie rock, indie pop, and indie punk. This once primitive lifestyle that lead people to live better lives was already becoming successful some three days after it was introduced to the public. They sang their pain, joys and sorrows and banded together in peace, hoping that someday, when the gospels were written, people would continue to live this life in whatever part of the world they lived in.

Of course, it didn't take long for this to go awry. Within a month, it got out of hand. People began mixing indie life with hip-hop life and electronica life; people began to do things that were far out of their depth. It fucked up Jesus' vision of a bright and peaceful world. Wars started. Genocide erupted. Extremism was on an all-time high. In a vengeful act of punishment, God ordered Jesus to death by crucifixion one more time, and had vowed to never make this mistake again, thinking that Jesus himself was far beyond his depth and out of his own reach, especially when people who went by the names of Mumford and Sons and Passenger were convicted of such crimes as treason and sedition. And so the few survivors of the horrible events went their way and did the little they could for things to get better again.

But things weren't entirely hopeless... yet. In the year 2010, God thought that maybe enough time had passed for Jesus to be given a third chance. Jesus was risen from the grave again, and this time took the form of a British singer just barely out of his teens by the name of Ed Sheeran. And he was known for his impeccably smooth and soft voice and his acoustic guitar chops. He had worked on electronic music and after a successful EP, he thought maybe it was the right time to preach about the indie lifestyle yet again. And so he grabbed his acoustic guitar and got to a studio and began singing sugary love songs about things such as Lego houses and prostitutes struggling to pay rent. Of course, people weren't warming up to his brand of indie yet, as a different variant from the old book was rampant starting in the nineties. But nope, Ed was here to teach indie the way he knew it. And it worked, to an extent.

And then three years later, the unthinkable happened. He repeated the mistake he was given on his second chance a third time. He let his ambitions get too high when he arrived at the studio to make another collection of songs- mixing electronica and hip hop with this indie motif, adding in stupid, sugar and syrup drenched love song lyrics. And slowly but surely, people began to open their eyes. Their messiah had done it for good. As God, his father looked down and observed what was happening, he realized that resurrecting his own son again was a mistake that was costing him dearly. This was because this time, Jesus truly had nothing to say. Catastrophe was waiting to happen, and unless something was done, nothing would stop the disaster.

So, God took it upon himself to have Jesus punished yet again. The end!



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Comments:Add a Comment 
TheMoonchild
June 25th 2014



475 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

Jesus/Ed's whereabouts currently remain unknown.

Digging: Opeth - Pale Communion

Green Baron
June 25th 2014



19157 Comments


http://www.sputnikmusic.com/review/52232/Mumford-and-Sons-Babel/

Digging: Royal Blood - Royal Blood

TheMoonchild
June 25th 2014



475 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

The Jesus type comparison has been done before that. As far back as 09 I believe.

Green Baron
June 25th 2014



19157 Comments


I'm pretty sure that's the first I know of. This just seems so unoriginal compared to that one, which imo is much better written.

Cygnatti
June 25th 2014



21349 Comments


his first album is an x so this one is a +!!! :D

SowingSeason
Staff Reviewer
June 25th 2014



15599 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5 | Sound Off

This album sucks.

Digging: Low Roar - 0

HolidayKirk
Contributing Reviewer
June 25th 2014



1602 Comments


Four paragraphs. One paragraph devoted to the album at hand.

EDIT: YakNips was yepping Sowing, he does not recognize my existence.

YakNips
June 25th 2014



9175 Comments


yep

Digging: The Brave Little Abacus - Just Got Back from the Discomfort

BMDrummer
June 25th 2014



5523 Comments


It seems like you write way more negative reviews than positive ones

YakNips
June 25th 2014



9175 Comments


i was yepping sowing i do not recognize holidaykirk's existence

Cygnatti
June 25th 2014



21349 Comments


ok ._.

Muisc4Life26
June 25th 2014



2573 Comments


+ is good, this i'm not so sure about.

TheMoonchild
June 25th 2014



475 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

I hope his next album is called -, just for shits and giggles.

hogan900
Contributing Reviewer
June 25th 2014



1580 Comments


I drew that album cover during art class in 5th grade.

TheMoonchild
June 25th 2014



475 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

Who didn't.

FiveLeavesLeft
Staff Reviewer
June 25th 2014



9835 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

Awful review :/

Oh, and a boring album

I can give constructive criticism if you'd like

ZombicidalMan
June 25th 2014



1760 Comments


just delete it tbh

not a good album but it deserves a decent review at the least

FiveLeavesLeft
Staff Reviewer
June 25th 2014



9835 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0

I got the dib on the review for this, so yeah :]

ZombicidalMan
June 25th 2014



1760 Comments


awesome. I always enjoy your reviews dude

Wadlez
June 25th 2014



3868 Comments


My Facebook friends love it though.



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