The Diary of Trent - March 1994
I swear to the god, these have been the craziest two weeks of my life. All my anger and the pain in my life has finally culminated into my destruction. I have had enough of this bull*** constantly bringing my life down. I must take my life into my own hands now; starting today, I must document all of my emotions as requested by my doctor. I surely hope this works.
I woke up to the sound of crashing and banging inside my head. It was living hell, and I felt like it was killing me. There was a voice inside of me, and he commanded me to do as he told. After a few minutes, he went away, and my mind was finally peaceful... unfortunately, it lasted for only thirty seconds before the raging noise filled my head with fury yet again. He called himself "Mr. Self Destruct", and by god, he better not be the death of me!
Well, everything has turned to *** now. I've been worrying about this for a while now, and it finally happened. Bitch decided to leave me all alone, is that what that asshole wanted? That pig decided to leave me in ruins, that's what it got! It's alright though. I don't care. Nothing can stop me now, especially not one little pig!
I realized that a main cause of my anger and depression was the burden and full-on stupidity of religion. Everything is God’s fault; from AIDS, to violence. God is a hypocrite, and he is brainwashing humans to follow his "cult" so they can bow down to him! Not me, though! I’d rather die in Hell than give him control!
Our society is full of pigs, scumbags who feed on the less powerful. Greedy pigs who love to watch others suffer. I want to destroy this flawed world, and replace it with a utopia without these nihilistic pigs. I try, but in the end, these goddamn pigs have won.
An explosion of my hormones rushed through me today as I dreamt of crazy dirty rough sex. I decided to make my wish come true by banging my girl, and as I did, I brought myself closer to God. I realized that doing this will not only bring me closer to God, but to my true self. I felt her from the inside, and I realized that sexual power was my dominance, that my sole purpose of living was sex.
Society is *** nowadays. Our God is a ruiner, corrupting their minds. I observed a group of men today from afar, and I saw how the ruiner had deceived these people. I will win against him, for he is doing nothing but infecting innocent minds. *** him, he can die! I took God down, by myself. Nothing can stop me now!
My life is completely changing, and it’s all The Machine’s fault! I am becoming the type of person that I despise, the person who was part of the downfall of our society! He, the voice inside my head, is trying to kill me, make my life a complete hell! I try my best not to be corrupted by him, but goddamn it, it’s hard as hell!
I’ve all but given up now. It’s hopeless. I do not want this to be me, but what can I do? People try to sympathize with me, I curse them and their families! They have no idea how I feel, to be possessed by your inner demons! Perhaps there is nothing I can do, perhaps this was how I was meant to be. I just want to do something that matters!
Today I went on a spree to assert my dominance, using my anger and frustration to justify my actions. First, I went to my girl and knocked down her door, and forced myself onto her. Pulled out my pistol, and shot that bitch four times in the head. I threw her body into the closet, then took to the streets and grabbed chicks into the alleyways. Rinse and repeat. Four hours later, I was a satisfied man.
It was all calm, a peaceful and tranquil day for once in my life. I knew that this had to be a fluke; something would screw up my perfect day. But nothing did. This was the calm before the storm, and as the day passed, I thought of how I was inflicting pain on the less strong, how I was becoming my own ruiner.
My relationships always follow the same strategy. I long for her, connect with her, and use her only for my sexual desires before smashing her dreams. All of this is why I must be killed, I cannot live my life any longer. I wish it to end, but yet I cannot do it myself. I am not yet ready to take myself away.
I must give myself one more chance to make things right again. My sole purpose of living is sexual control, and so I paid a girl to let me do that. But in the end, this means ***. The whore may tell me what I want to hear, but means none of it. Why am I doing this again? I’m being driven by my impurity, and have no other options left… but one.
This is the end! As I pulled my pistol to the head, I thought, ‘I must do this!’ Because as I killed myself, I would also be killing the voice inside my head, the voice that corrupted me and made me commit such evil and sinful acts. As I pulled the trigger, all of the impure and horrible thoughts of my mind spilled out onto the floor. I had defeated The Machine, but at the price of my own life. It was worth it in the end.
The bullet exited my head. I had been completely defeated by myself. It's hopeless now; no matter what I do, nothing will ever change. I was doomed from the very start. It's all over now, all the pain, and all of my hopes to rebuild myself - were completely gone. In the end, my biggest downfall was with myself. And if I could change this, I would. But it's too late now. All hope was gone the moment I pulled that trigger.