Chris Brown
Fortune


1.5
very poor

Review

by Ben Thornburgh CONTRIBUTOR (112 Reviews)
May 6th, 2013 | 43 replies | 4,433 views


Release Date: 2012 | Tracklist

Review Summary: Chris Brown's Fortune is an [REDACTED] album.

This review was written on May 6, 2012

I am sitting in a cold room the size of a small gymnasium. The walls are slate gray. I’m in the direct center; in front of me are a steel table with one notebook and one pen and a leather chair facing away from me, beyond that is a closed door, flanked on either side by a menacing pair of huge speakers. I’m somewhere in Hollywood, California. I filled my chest with a deep gulp of air in an attempt to make my environment feel less sterile and unforgiving but to no avail.

Lets back up a little. One month before hand I had received an invitation to an exclusive listening party for Chris Brown’s up coming album Fortune. I was invited as an “esteemed Sputnik Music critic” which was odd because I hadn’t written anything for them in months nor was I considered staff of any kind. This was clearly some kind of mailing mix up but there was no way in hell I was going to pass this up. I get a free trip to California and a chance to rub elbows with the critical community? Totally worth listening to some lame pop album for an hour or two. I sent back my RSVP and the tickets come in the mail a week later.

When I got to the airport, I was escorted into a van with blacked out windows, taken to the facility in silence, and escorted into this room. I had a feeling my elbows were going to remain unrubbed that day.

I had been sitting in that chair for three hours when a knock rattled the door. It opened a crack and a voice echoed through the room, “Chris Brown is ready to see you now.” Terror pulsed through me. My eyes began darting around the room, desperate for some kind of escape. Too late. The door burst open. Chris Brown, decked head to toe in gaudy designer fashions, stands in the doorway, legs spread, silhouetted against the light from outside. For a second, I thought he was going to mount me. Instead, he seized one end of his Oakley sunglasses and fired them onto the adjacent wall, where they shatter and dropped onto a pile of broken sunglasses. I realize he has done this every time he has entered this room.

He saunters up to the leather chair, twirls on his heel three times before dropping into it and spinning to face me.

“Whattup bitch!”

Totally and utterly unrubbed.

He reeks of booze and ego. In fact, I don’t think he had been drinking at all, I was smelling pure and unadulterated arrogance seeping from his pores.

“Soooo” he starts, “My music is the sh*t, you know that, and I’m being a gentleman and giving you the privilage to hear my perfect new album in advance so you can write about how great it is for Mikhail Music.”

“Uhh, its Sputni-“

“Whatever. LEHGO!”

He points one finger to the ceiling and on cue the album starts.

I recognize it as lead single “Turn Up the Music”. It’s actually not awful; if it were by anyone else I might praise its heady maximalism. Chris mistakes my tolerance for enjoyment and begins dancing vigorously while maintaining total eye contact with me. It’s creepy. He seems to be dancing purely for his own pleasure; it’s like watching someone athletically masturbate. While they look you right in the eyes.

The next group of songs drifts by with little notice, I don’t think one solitary second of Chris’ voice goes un-auto tuned on this record. Suddenly, Chris stops dancing and sits down to face me again as a ballad creeps out of the speakers. It’s a disgustingly manipulative song, it involves Chris chastising his girlfriend for having the nerve to bring up his infidelity, “Everything I say right now/Is gonna be used in another fight…Just let the past/be the past”. I look up from my notebook and to my amazement; tears are streaking down Chris Brown’s cheeks. “After everything that’s happened, I just want people to move on you know” he stammers. Clearly he’s talking about the time he brutally battered and threatened to murder Rihanna, he seems to regard this as his cross to bear. “I did my time dammit!” He embellishes this part with melodramatic flare, throwing his head back to cry the last word at the ceiling. I check my notes; he was ordered 6 months of community service. Time done indeed.

Suddenly he snaps back to normal. “In the music video for this one I save the world, it’s going to be f*ckin’ tits.”

Following that comes the endless sex jams. The chorus to one goes, “Let me sex you babe/Girl, you better not change your mind”. I feel bile churning in my stomach. Once again, Chris seems totally unaware of my presence, enthusiastically humping the empty air. A group of songs drift by. My forehead is on the desk now, I’m starting to wonder if I can drive my pen into my ears far enough to deafen myself and remove the memory of the music.

When I raise my head, Chris is standing next to one of the speakers, his hand on a volume knob I cannot believe I didn’t see before.

“Ready for this sh*t bee-atch!?”

“Whats going on? Whats this song? “

The music is rising in intensity, “Don’t wake me up, up, up up, up, up.”

He begins turning up the volume.

I fold my hands and bow my head, “Strike me down lord, strike me from this earth.”

“Don’t wake me up, up up, up. Don’t wake me up. Don’t wake me…”

Suddenly he slams the knob as high as it can go.

“DON’T WAKE ME UHHHHHHHHHHH-PPP-ULA-AH-LU! YEE-AHU!!”

An auto tuned buzz saw slices through my forehead; the last thing I see before passing out is Chris Brown doing backflips.

When I awake, Chris is sitting in front of me on a cell phone.

“Yeah I’ve been working on this painting, its me as Jesus on a cross cause that’s how I feel you know? The f*cking f*ggots in the media keep crucifying me. Well, I’ll talk to you later, this punk b*tch passed out because of how great my music is.”

He ends the call. “So what’d you think?” he sneers.

I clear my throat and the blood from my ears. I feel supernaturally calm and collected.

“When you were a child you saw your mom abused by her boyfriend right?”

His eyes narrow, I should stop now but I keep going.

“You’ve fulfilled the cycle of violence by abusing your ex-girlfriend. But that somehow isn’t the worst part. In the wake of this, you’ve become something that is unprecedented in modern culture. You have become a pro-abuse role model. You’ve shown millions of men that you can repeatedly slam your girlfriend’s head into a car window and go on to make huge piles of money and sell millions of records while doing almost nothing to atone for what you’ve done. People keep bringing up the incident, because you clearly could give less of a sh*t. Your music is a reflection of who you are; even when you end up with some interesting production you inseminate it with your toxic personality. Fortune is a waste of the disc is printed on.”

His fists clench and he begins to rise from his seat. “This is it”, I think to myself as I close my eyes, “I wonder if I can get a book deal.”

Suddenly a sack is thrown over my head, I’m dragged from the room and forced to sign an agreement that states I wont publish anything on the album for a year. I’m shoved into the harsh light of day. After regaining my senses I check my pockets, “Sonvabitch”, I sigh, “They took my return ticket”.



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user ratings (58)
Chart.
1.4
very poor

Comments:Add a Comment 
HolidayKirk
Contributing Reviewer
May 6th 2013



1602 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

This will (hopefully) be the longest review I ever write.

In order to prepare for the review, I watched a 30 minute interview and listened to the whole album front to back blazingly
loud on headphones.

I was worried about the length so before uploading I proofread it 3 times and edited sections of it down but its still quite
long so I can almost promise something slipped through. Please suggest edits below. Thanks for reading!

And if you decided "tl;dr", I understand.

MO
May 6th 2013



18441 Comments


...ok

Digging: Immolation - Dawn of Possession

YoYoMancuso
May 6th 2013



10999 Comments


For a second, I thought he was going to mount me.

lol have a pos because i enjoyed reading



Brostep
Staff Reviewer
May 6th 2013



3413 Comments


fantastic work have a pos

Katechon
May 6th 2013



684 Comments


Aw and I was hoping it was going to turn into an erotic fanfic.

AliW1993
Contributing Reviewer
May 6th 2013



7322 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

On a purely musical level, this is the worst album I've heard in the past few years. will.i.am's new one pushes it close though.

HolidayKirk
Contributing Reviewer
May 6th 2013



1602 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

I actually don't think chris brown is that terrible of an r&b performer

^^

His voice is thin and reedy, he can dance sure but he's not an innovator in any significant way.

fromtheinside
May 6th 2013



17911 Comments


this is like 4 sentences it's not too long

this isn't terrible but it's his best so take that as you will!

Digging: Coroner - No More Color

toxin.
May 6th 2013



12182 Comments


"I was smelling pure and unadulterated arrogance seeping from his pours. "
pores*

oltnabrick
May 6th 2013



30523 Comments


recommended by reviewer
Frank Ocean Nostalgia, Ultra



um pls dont

Digging: M-O-R-S-E - Empty (Extended)

VicariousIntent
May 6th 2013



1593 Comments


I had great fun reading this. It's far too difficult for me to look past his character to enjoy his music, that's the simple truth. You're right when you say that every promising moment on the record is ruined by the fact that he's a despicable human being. It's pervasive.

pizzamachine
May 6th 2013



12571 Comments


love the review

AliW1993
Contributing Reviewer
May 6th 2013



7322 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

Just read the review, Great work, best super-negative review I've read since Viney's Palma Violets.

MyCarandMyGuitar
May 6th 2013



728 Comments


One of the better reviews i've read like all year

HolidayKirk
Contributing Reviewer
May 6th 2013



1602 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

Wow thank you so much! I was nervous since it ended up being so long but I guess it worked. It's one of those ideas that's been floating in my head for a long time and I finally had to get it out today.

AliW1993
Contributing Reviewer
May 6th 2013



7322 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

If a review is as well written as this and has a clear plot it can be as long as you like, barring something ridiculous.

HolidayKirk
Contributing Reviewer
May 6th 2013



1602 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

lol I'm planning a 5000 word epic on F.A.M.E.

StrangerofSorts
Contributing Reviewer
May 6th 2013



2714 Comments


Who wrote the artist bio? Because it's golden.

"Christopher Maurice Brown is an American singer and dancer who rose to fame in 2005 with his platinum selling, self-titled debut album. His first single was a Scott Storch-produce.

He beat the shit out of Rihanna one time."


Brostep
Staff Reviewer
May 6th 2013



3413 Comments


lol that's fantastic

fromtheinside
May 6th 2013



17911 Comments


Chris Brown
Soul, Pop



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