Review Summary: Really? I could swear I asked the kids and they told me something dfferent.
I remember the day like it was yesterday- August 12th 2009. My cousin and I are in Calgary for Warped Tour 2009, both of us having been for the first time. We have really nothing to do before Bad Religion's set, so we decide to see Millionaires and Brokencyde (or because I know the odd idiot fanboy is lurking around on this page somewhere, brokeNCYDE as the band so prefers it). Millionaires really stunk and because we were in the front row, I was treated to some of the worst lip synching, if not the worst, that I've ever seen. They get bottled and booed, and as soon as they're off, I ask people if they're there because they really want to see either band, or because they love a good train wreck. Of course, 95% tell me the latter. I actually get a sling of insults my way for even asking a fangirl with (I kid you not) rainbow dreads, because "THEY'RE THE BEST BAND EVER!!!" in her words.
Anyways, the band stunk. Truly stunk. They were bad. And I don't mean so bad it's good bad. I don't mean Michael Jackson bad. I mean, BAD. So bad it caused me to question a scientific theory as to whether or not Brokencyde bad was even such a thing. They spent half the set slinging words like "Motherf---er" and singing, erm, talking about drinking and f---ing. Because I don't know better, I decided to download this album when I got back home to Edmonton to see what it was like. Believe me, it only got worse from there.
First off, why does the band need FOUR members?! At least two people could make this kind of garbage in their basement on a computer with Windows 98. Even Blood on the Dance Floor can make this garbage with two people. Not that they're any better, but still, at least they didn't waste their energy on, um, FOUR BAND MEMBERS. The "singing" is often autotuned and the screaming/hissing/puking/whatever it is doesnt help matter either, in fact it's some of the worst stuff I've ever heard. And rhe music? All the same stuff. Even Disturbed has more creativity than this. Same few notes looped over and over with a hip hop beat. Seriously, stuff like "FreaXXX" sounds like it was made on GarageBand. And speaking of that song, immediately after the intro, we're greeted with said asinine "instrumentation" (or lack of), and lyrics about how "they walk into the club looking sexy now" how people "wanna sex me". In fact, I'll treat you to an entire verse courtesy of TheMoonchild:
I got these bitches all tipsy trying to sex me.
I know they want it, alcoholics are some sex freaks.
This ex and chronic gots me wanting to get messy.
So let's get messy girls, come on let's go get messy girls.
Come on bitch, you know you want this.
That hardcore *** will make you feel the toxic.
Fursachi, Rolex watches.
Bently coups with the 20's droppin.
Convertible top, and the wheels spin.
I can taste that ice when my grill is in.
If you want me baby feel me in.
'cause I don't waste my time with lesbians.
So let's see. "bitches all tipsy trying to sex me"? Check. Obligatory weed reference? Check. Insulting slang towards women? Check. Gangsta lyrics? Check. Homophobia? Check. Is there a jackpot of some kind? As you may have guessed, the rest of the song is not much better. In fact, neither is the rest of the album, and this is the second track we're talking about, here
. "Skeet Skeet" is next, and is one of the most disgusting songs about sex I've heard:
"Skeet skeet all up your in your face girl
Now open your mouth and tell me how I taste girl
Peaches and cream drippin down our waist girl
Now give it to me I don't like fake girls
She'll be my *** affair skeet skeet up in her hair
Babyyyy don't be so scared
I got a 12 incher
Aren't people just adorable when they make up a lie about their penis size? Oh, and did I mention "Booty Call"? Actually let's not even go there. Actually, I think I've told you enough about this album as a whole. Let me just tell you this: Brokencyde aren't evern a band but just a bunch of idiots messing around on a computer and talking about drinking and f---ing. Yeah, I guess that can be said about a lot of acts nowadays, but what makes Brokencyde stick out like a sore thumb is that it's all done without even the slightest hint of irony or self awareness. And the band parade themselves on it for that very reason, which may be even worse. But I guess I've got it worse than the people who were kindly sent a copy of this album for reviewing purposes: I both saw them live and heard the album.
And lastly, here's a list of 5 things I'd rather do than listen to this album:
1. Putting 3 boxes of tin foil in a microwave
2. Listen to Rebecca Black for hours on end
3. Watch my copy of my high school production of "Pippin" I was in on DVD 13 times (yes it was that bad)
4. Jump off a diving board... onto concrete
5. Shove a rusty nail into all my toes and fingers