Lou Reed and Metallica
Lulu


1.0
awful

Review

by ImNobody787 USER (1 Reviews)
January 8th, 2012 | 22 replies | 2,425 views


Release Date: 2011 | Tracklist

Review Summary: "...the greatest disappointment..."

3 of 5 thought this review was well written

Notice: This is my first review I have ever done. I want to get kinda good at this, so if you got any constructive criticism, can you please give it? Thanks!!

PRE-REVIEW INFO


Let me start off this album review by saying that I am a Metallica fan (in fact, I can say that their first 4 albums were the albums that got me into metal in the first place) and I am somewhat of a Lou Reed fan (I like his stuff with The Velvet Underground and his early solo album, Berlin, but I haven’t listened to much else by him), so I was kinda intrigued whenever I heard about this collaboration. I mean, one of the things that I had missed the most out of Metallica’s post-AJFA output was the complex and almost Progressive nature of some of the songs on albums such as Master of Puppets and …And Justice For All. Lou Reed has spent much of his 40+ year career challenging his fanbase, but sometimes he challenged them just to be a troll. Some examples include 1975’s Metal Machine Music, a hour-long album with nothing but guitar feedback played at different speeds to produce electronic-like effects of WTF-ery and an 18-minute long song about possums.

I knew from *** like above that this could either be something fresh and new for Metallica, or be one of the worst things either musician has ever done. I can say that after listening to it THREE ***ING TIMES in order to get the whole thing in my brain in order to review it, that this is not just ONE of the worst things Metallica has ever participated in, it is THE worst thing Metallica has ever participated in. You read that correctly, THIS IS WORSE THAN ST. ANGER!!!!



THE REVIEW

With an album this bad, I don’t even know where to begin trashing it, so I will give the few positives first. One positive is that it does have better production better than Death Magnetic, so you will not experience the Loudness War. The other is that it at least has an interesting concept behind it. It is based on two HIGHLY CONTROVERSIAL early-20th century plays about the life of an abused dancer (who I assume is pictured on the cover) who would work as a prostitute, only to get brutally killed by Jack The Ripper. The plays themselves were, to my understanding, very sexually explicit and caused a huge uproar whenever they were originally released.


However, that is where the positives end. The first thing I can trash are the cases of absolute lyrical stupidity, which is a shame considering Lou Reed has had some pretty good lyrics in every other album I have listened to in which he has participated in. Here are some examples of some of the album’s worst lyrics….


"I would cut my legs and tits off
When I think of Boris Karloff and Kinski
In the dark of the moon

It made me dream of Nosferatu
Trapped on the isle of Doctor Moreau
Oh wouldn’t it be lovely"

The very first lines of the first song on the album, ‘Brandenburg Gate’.



"I will swallow your sharpest cutter
Like a colored man’s dick"

One line of BS from Track 3, “Pumping Blood”



"Spermless like a girl
More man than I
More man than I"

I kinda wish I was joking about this one, but sadly, I’m not. This appears in track 7, “Frustration”, the opening track of Disc 2. I call that a fitting name because that is exactly what this album is to me.




Not only are the lyrics complete ***, but the vocals are as well. Granted, Lou Reed has never been a good singer, but here he is just unbearable. He sounds like Metallica literally found a drunken hobo out on the street, took him into the recording studio, and told him to sound like Lou Reed. It sucks.

Now, I bet many of you are asking, “Why are you focusing on Lou Reed’s issues? What do you have to say about Metallica’s contributions on here?” I think Metallica is not really to blame for this album sucking royally. Lou Reed has shown time and time again that he is going to have full control on anything he does and everyone but him is a slave to his work and LuLu is no exception.

Metallica’s playing, like Lou’s vocals, are COMPLETELY OFF-TIME. There is one major problem that comes in two ways on this album. That problem is that what Metallica is playing does not fit Lou’s shoddy performance. An example of this would be Track 4, “Mistress Dread.” Here Metallica are playing a REALLY FAST riff that sounds awesome (at first, it gets REALLY boring after nearly 7 minutes of the same riff with literally NO CHANGE), but what really kills it is Lou’s not-so-brilliant idea of slowly mumbling the lyrics in a random fashion at about 10 MPH while Metallica are playing this pattern at about 200 MPH. This problem happens in this album A LOT in varying different manners and it kills just about every song.

The ones that are not killed by that issue are killed by another issue altogether: poor editing. There are three songs that go past the 11 minute mark on this album. All three of them do not need to be that long. Cheat on Me, the first of these abominations, repeats its chorus of “Why do I cheat on me” for 5-6 minutes before finally ending disc 1 of 2. Dragon is something I can’t honestly remember, though. The last of the mammoths, Junior Dad, Track 10 and the last song on Disc 2 and the album as a whole, lasts a grand total of 19 minutes and 23 seconds. At first, it seems like it is alright, even though it blatantly re-uses a riff from “The Unforgiven III” from Death Magnetic. The lyrics here are ACTUALLY GOOD, but they are very sad too. However, just when you thought the album would end on a decent note, something is thrown at you that just kills the song. That issue is the use of the fakest string sounds in the history of recorded music playing a two-note hum. Why is that an issue, you say? Because…..THIS GOES ON FOR AT LEAST 8 GODDAMN MINUTES!!!!!! I almost fell asleep because of this! If the damn strings faded out after about a minute, it wouldn’t be THAT bad. It would be a bit annoying, but it would be tolerable and it wouldn’t COMPLETELY KILL THE ONLY DECENT SONG ON THIS ***-STAIN OF AN ALBUM!!!



BOTTOM LINE & SCORE

This is the worst album I have ever heard. It makes St. Anger look like Master Of Puppets. It is that bad.


user ratings (924)
Chart.
1.4
very poor
other reviews of this album
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Comments:Add a Comment 
TheVoiceAndTheSnake
January 8th 2012



3663 Comments


Riffs are like banana pudding

SLAUGHTERDOZER
January 8th 2012



278 Comments


we stopped reviewing this album a long time ago

and word of advice dont write reviews like this

zaruyache
January 8th 2012



5909 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

yay!

Digging: Sunwolf - Beholden To Nothing And No One

Pentagon
January 8th 2012



1998 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

if you want your review to look professional, then don't caps lock random shit. Also, work on your tone and ditch the layout.

ConsiderPhlebas
January 8th 2012



6157 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

Avoid autobiography when reviewing other people's work. Whether you were intrigued or not before hearing a record isn't a vital piece of info for anyone, and such inclusions clutter the review. Might be worth avoiding referring to yourself 'trashing' an album; be brutal if the album is shit, but come from as objective a position as possible. Trashing something isn't reviewing, after all. You obviously know how to put a sentence together, but give a little thought toward a structure for your review, and be concise. There's no need for a pre-review section, you can quite neatly put some band history etc in the opening of a review. Not a bad start - check out some of the better reviews on here for some ideas and keep practicing.

dodderidget
January 8th 2012



7 Comments


Not a bad first review. The first review I ever wrote was pretty weak so you're off to a good start.

Try to make the whole review roll together, so don't put any Pre-Review Info and if you use lyrics, don't use up unnecessary lines.

It wasn't a bad read at all. You knew what you were talking about. Good luck with your reviews in the future!

DeadBeat
January 8th 2012



529 Comments


Only heard "The View" and it was enough

I can't understand how this band still has fans

ImNobody787
January 8th 2012



2 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

I originally posted this review on my Tumblr, so I just copy-and-pasted it, so that explains the bad formatting. I'll try to write my future reviews on Sputnik first and then re-purpose it for Tumblr.

Also, I think I had only heard one previous review actually mention the instruments being as off-time as the vocals and it was a review from some guy on YouTube named Subrick.

I think in future reviews, the pre-review will be the 'opening' section where I put the history in. I want to be a little bit different from other reviewers here in order to REALLY stand out. I think some of the early reviews that I'll be doing are going to be bad albums because I think whenever I listen to an atrocity such as this, it really makes me analyze WHY it's bad more than why a good album is good. At least in my case. I just figure it would be easier to develop my own style while doing what is necessary for a good review.

austin888
January 8th 2012



331 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

Yes this album is beyond aweful, but I agree with the reviewer that Metallica is not entirely to blame.

patrickfannon
January 8th 2012



886 Comments

Album Rating: 3.0

This review is terribly written on every level.

Digging: A Tribe Called Quest - Midnight Marauders

iambandersnatch
January 8th 2012



1466 Comments


I can see this being a "safe" place to start reviewing, but it is sort of pointless to write a 1.0 review on an album that already has six 1.0's and a 1.5 :P
Maybe your next one can be on something that isn't so heavily reviewed.

TheArkitecht
January 8th 2012



1665 Comments


I listened to one song from this, never again.

Shuyin
January 8th 2012



11180 Comments


will you all stop reviewing this album? we all know how bad it is allready.

Digging: Blut Aus Nord - Memoria Vetusta II: Dialogue with the Stars

North0House2
January 8th 2012



5821 Comments


"Notice: This is my first review I have ever done. I want to get kinda good at this, so if you got any constructive criticism, can you please give it? Thanks!!"

Thus, I stopped reading the review.

Never put too personal of a statement in the intro of a review... if at all. Also, don't use words like "kinda".

Digging: Polyenso - One Big Particular Loop

ZilbelPing
January 8th 2012



6031 Comments


It would have been better to review an album that you enjoy but can find flaws in it. Like a 3 review.

Ditch the layout. I actually didn't read the entire review because of that. Also, don't caps lock in a review. It makes you look unprofessional. Try to think of this as writing a book report for an English class. Try to keep the vulgar statements to a minimum, that way if you do use vulgarity, it can have a higher impact to support the claim that the album is shit. Try to have as little, or preferably no, 1st person view when writing a review. We want you to describe the album, not have an insight on what went through your mind when you listened to it. I didn't spot any grammatical errors (because again, I only red about half of the review), so I think you're okay in that department.

patrickfannon
January 8th 2012



886 Comments

Album Rating: 3.0

Also, don't use words like "kinda". [2]

I would refrain from taking up half of the visible review space with cited lyrics as well. Keep the citing to a minimum and include the citations in the body of the review.

"Metallica’s playing, like Lou’s vocals, are COMPLETELY OFF-TIME."

Watch subject-verb agreement as well.

letsgofishing
January 8th 2012



900 Comments


Oh are we reviewing this review...My Turn

No need for "pre-review" and "bottom line", If the content is on the screen then it is part of the review. And if you feel that the content you wrote in the "pre-review" isn't important enough for the main review, you might as well just trash it.

Your arguments would actually come out a long stronger without caps lock and exclamation points. It's all about the words man, not what gimmicks you can wring them through.

And lastly a challenge: Avoid using the word "I" entirely in your next review. You'll be amazed at how much it'll improve your quality.

Still, you have tons of potential to get "kinda good" at reviewing in no time at all, you could even get "very good" if you are inclined. And I hate negging first time reviewers. Keep writing man, I'll invest a POS. your next review will deserve it, I'm sure.

WashboardSuds
January 8th 2012



4984 Comments


my first review had a rating of 1 and was for an album that already had a dozen reviews too, except mine was much worse.

This review is terribly written on every level.


not at all. its "raw" but he at least has a clue what he's talking about

TriangularDuck
January 8th 2012



85 Comments


oh hey look a negative review for Lulu, just what the internet needed more of

patrickfannon
January 8th 2012



886 Comments

Album Rating: 3.0

"not at all. its "raw" but he at least has a clue what he's talking about"

Point to the parts that demonstrate as much. Saying Metallica played at "200 MPH" indicates otherwise. This is a gleeful hate bashing, nothing more. And it is atrociously written, both stylistically and grammatically.



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