Lou Reed and Metallica
Lulu


1.0
awful

Review

by BigHans USER (108 Reviews)
October 21st, 2011 | 123 replies | 9,290 views


Release Date: 2011 | Tracklist

Review Summary: The guy who spent years doing blow off the backs of hookers and a vast array of trannies with fellow nutcase Andy Warhol should not be criticized anymore for poor decision making. It would be like backhanding a retard for not scoring a 1600 on their SATs

48 of 53 thought this review was well written

It’s an abomination, a trepidation, a correlation to devastation, fornication, and polarization. “Lulu" is easily one of the worst albums ever conceived; anyone who doesn’t suffer from Downs or wasn’t fed a steady diet of rock cocaine by their disheveled crack whore of a mother in the womb can figure that out within a matter of seconds. To say “Lulu” is a colossal failure is akin to saying early 90’s Courtney Love was an unredeemable scourge of heroin mainlining slut-dom, the sky is blue sometimes, Big Bird was a character on Sesame Street, and Ron Jeremy liked to hang out and screw hot chicks. It’s not an argument, and it’s not even close to one. “Lulu’s” conception is in alignment with the decision making prowess of Hitler trying to invade Russia, Coca-Cola abandoning their formula in the mid 80’s, and the green-lighting of the atrociously hilarious Affleck/Lopez vehicle “Gigli,” a “film” so reprehensibly insidious and pants-sh/ttingly awful anyone who watches it would probably prefer hanging out with The Gimp from Pulp Fiction while Marcelus Wallace goes medieval on your ass (from a pop culture perspective, “Lulu” is actually worse). Some things are merely universal truths, and “Lulu’s” undeniable suckage cannot be debated like the fact San Francisco sells more strap-ons and KY jelly than any other city in the world cannot be argued by any sensible human being. The only question is why would anybody be surprised by this?

Lou Reed wrote a 9 minute ode to his crippling heroin addiction over 40 years ago. I’m not a doctor, but it’s pretty safe to say his brain hasn’t suddenly recovered from the miles of drugs he tunneled in the sixties with advancing age. When we account for the mere existence of “Metal Machine Music,” widely regarded as the worst album in the history of music (maybe, until now), we shouldn’t be aghast or even remotely shocked that Lou Reed would put his stamp on something as ass-reamingly insidious as Lulu. The guy who spent years doing blow off the backs of hookers and a vast array of trannies with fellow nutcase Andy Warhol should not be criticized anymore for poor decision making. It would be like backhanding a retard for not scoring a 1600 on their SAT’s. Lou Reed has been gone for a long time, and it would take a special kind of desperate soul to A. not recognize this, and B. decide to drive the last nail in the coffin of a once legendary career, furthering the absolute avalanche of horrendously sh/tty decision making over the last decade-plus. That man is none other than James Hetfield.

To me it’s blatantly obvious that Metallica decided to perform on “Lulu” because they finally realized what everybody already knew; that Metallica is absolutely dead. “Death Magnetic” was like a once mighty but now dying cancer patient summoning one final beastly breath before collapsing under a death most likely fashioned by their own decision making. Anyone with critical thinking ability above Pee-Wee Herman’s before he decided to jack off in a red-light movie district knows that aside from “Death Magnetic,” Metallica hasn’t made a good decision since 1998. Add in the fact that the once titanic Hetfield is now on some type of spiritual “quest,” it’s easy to see how he could get sucked into the alluring and tempting notion of creating avant-garde “art.” If there’s one thing about avant-garde “artists,” aside from the fact the majority of their works would be wildly defeated by the finger painting of any autistic 2nd grader, is that they suffer from grandiose levels of self-importance. The documentary “Some Kind of Monster,” from 2003, complete with a sweater-vest wearing tree-hugging therapist convincing James to accept his inner-child and feminine side proved that Metallica has been searching for something they absolutely cannot and should not even attempt to grasp for a long time. There’s a reason James hummed “keep searchinnnnnnnnnnnnnng, keep on searchingggggggg-AH” right before the FRANTIC TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TOCK on “St. Anger;” it was a cry for help.

It’s clear that both Reed and Metallica are way beyond the stage where relevant, advanced psychotherapy would benefit them, and “Lulu” is the bloody-glove piece of evidence cementing the synapses in their respective brains that control decision making processes have long been eroded. Listen to any 45 second clip of “Lulu” and you will see why it is entirely pointless to identify any songs in a music review, it would be like pointing out examples on why someone who has just undergone a frontal lobotomy is no longer capable of advanced intelligence. If their legacy’s had not already been entirely destroyed a long damn time ago, “Lulu” would be devastating at worst, and sad as the most likely scenario. Within the context of where these men are in their lives, it’s merely hilarious, and that will be the only redeeming factor to arise from this project. If nothing else, “Lulu” is the greatest piece of unintentional comedy in the history of music. So at least they’ve got that going for them.



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user ratings (934)
Chart.
1.4
very poor
other reviews of this album
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Comments:Add a Comment 
BigHans
October 21st 2011



26455 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0 | Sound Off

You guys really didn't think I wouldn't review a new Metallica "project" now would you?

omnipanzer
October 21st 2011



21442 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

I believed!

dnor
October 21st 2011



3978 Comments


Can't wait to read this

dnor
October 21st 2011



3978 Comments


Pos'd for sure.

Sanders
October 21st 2011



2345 Comments


Missing inverted commas on your first "Lulu", but I'm a pedant. Great review, this is garbage.

dnor
October 21st 2011



3978 Comments


Add in the fact that the once beastly Hetfield is now on some type of spiritual “quest,” it’s easy to see how he could get sucked into the alluring and tempting notion of creating avant-garde “art.

How much did it hurt for you to finally admit that this is the case ? I know it hurt me when I finally admitted and accepted that James is no longer a monster...but more of a mere house cat now.


omnipanzer
October 21st 2011



21442 Comments

Album Rating: 1.5

a. and b. need capitalized sir. ;^)


Fun review as always sir POS.

MO
October 21st 2011



18518 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0 | Sound Off

Excellent review, hit it out of the park. Hard pos

Tyrael
October 21st 2011



20824 Comments


Great review as usual Hans, can I ask why you still have the album rated as a 2?

BigHans
October 21st 2011



26455 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0 | Sound Off

the review rating is a 1 because its objective. My personal rating is 2 because it brings the lulz in waves, and I appreciate that.

Meatplow
October 21st 2011



5524 Comments


what a well written critical review, I enjoyed the hell out of this

I do find this a fun listen at times, regardless of its crippling shortcomings from conception to production.

KILL5
October 21st 2011



429 Comments


sweet review

HeathenTemple
October 21st 2011



80 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

"If there’s one thing about avant-garde “artists,” aside from the fact the majority of their works would be wildly defeated by the finger painting of any autistic 2nd grader"

lold hard at this
Great review. Pos'd

BigHans
October 21st 2011



26455 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0 | Sound Off

How much did it hurt for you to finally admit that this is the case ? I know it hurt me when I finally admitted and accepted that James is no longer a monster...but more of a mere house cat now.

^ I accepted it 8 years ago. The first time I saw Some Kind of Monster, it was like realizing your girlfriend had spent the last year gettign gang-banged by the local delta frat house behind your back. I'm over it now, and have accepted Metallica's suckage post 1996

BigHans
October 21st 2011



26455 Comments

Album Rating: 2.0 | Sound Off

Thanks guys. I wrote this really quickly, and I really enjoyed doing so.

Tyrael
October 21st 2011



20824 Comments


Isn't it ironic that just when Anthrax step up to regain their rightful place as one of the big four, Metallica decides to take a massive dump on their legacy?

FruityCatOfDoom
October 21st 2011



2082 Comments


All other reviews should be deleted. This is all that ever needs to be said about this album.

BigBlob
October 21st 2011



1638 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

So many similes....

sublimefan1991
October 21st 2011



754 Comments


holy shit just listened to the first track, is this for real? like is this one giant joke or did this actually take place w/ serious intentions?

sublimefan1991
October 21st 2011



754 Comments


funny review btw haha.



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