Billy Ray Cyrus
I'm American


1.0
awful

Review

by BigHans USER (117 Reviews)
June 29th, 2011 | 74 replies


Release Date: 2011 | Tracklist

Review Summary: Note to Billy: you are not Bruce Springsteen.

There was once a time when Billy Ray Cyrus might have been able to pull off an album like this. Basically what ol’ Bobby Ray Stewart (his real pop culture identity after years of absurdly atrocious Disney-Channel acting performances that make Nic Cage and Keanu Reeves resemble the 2nd coming of Daniel Day Lewis) is aiming for here is a good ol’ fashioned Country n Western AMERICANA album. The obvious problem is Billy Ray Cyrus’ musical talent is dwarfed by his daughter, whose own ability barely surpasses the philosophical bellows of your average Holstein cow, and the fact his name is not Bruce Springsteen, Toby Keith, or any other artist that likes to sing about AMERICAN concepts like bald eagles flying through the stars and bars clutching an Apple pie at a baseball game. Or playing football with his big bro and how they fought over who got to kiss the local inbred girl first, how a bunch of his pa’s buddies and uncles took a lead sandwich in Nam, or how it was really awesome going to high school in small town jerkwater USA but totally sucked ass once he had to go fight some damn war and tell his ma he’ll probably never see her again.

Billy Ray most likely never got the memo that to pull off something like this you either have to be a legitimate redneck (Keith), or possess a shred of talent (The Boss). Back in the early 90’s Cyrus released the quintessential anthem for good old sister-jamming Redneck methodology in “Achy Breaky Heart,” while easily being one of the worst songs ever written actually had some sincerity because rednecks do line-dance and pump their fists to sh*t like that. It also helped that album cover showcased a glorious mullet that could only be crafted in a trailer park outhouse by a chain-smoking, disheveled Sally-Sue type whose flappy fat rolls are more pungent than a rotting egg travelling through a freshly decomposing corpse. Billy Ray used to be a legit redneck and could have gotten away with releasing 8 songs telling the same story about grandma’s health, ma’s cooking, non-homoeroticly roughhousing with his bros, and how hot his 2nd cousin used to be. When you spend 6 years wearing pretty-boy jeans and spending more time on your pseudo-European hairstyle while managing the shenanigans of a pop star diva daughter and a dumbass son whose intellectual peak is sniffing his own gas, you’re no longer a redneck. Further, collaborating with the likes of Amy Grant (who makes Taylor Swift sound like Death Metal), doesn’t earn any AMERICAN patriotic ass kicking points.

Talking about how freedom aint free is a fun concept to country singers, even if ironically it was best done by a couple of snarky slackers who like to bash every inch of America in a weekly cartoon. The problem with Billy Ray Cyrus is he’s no longer a legitimate country singer, and the only way Americana is done right is if it’s set to glorious anthemic punk, performed by dudes who actually do own a few coon hounds and drink a case of Schlitz every few days, or if their name happens to be Springsteen. Billy Ray is an American by birth, and while we can certainly make an argument about how the cash-grabbing methodologies behind Hannah Montana are absolutely American, the type of “American” Billy Ray is aiming for here is an archetype he cannot legitimately achieve. This type of “American” is a badass, and Miley Cyrus’ pa absolutely is not one.



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user ratings (24)
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Comments:Add a Comment 
BigHans
June 29th 2011


28438 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

Honestly, I should have liked this album since Im kind of a redneck, proud American, like country, etc.

mallen-
June 29th 2011


1240 Comments


he may have the lowest rated discography here

JT2
June 29th 2011


94 Comments


Good job Hans. This sounds terrible.

Fortheloveofmusic
June 29th 2011


491 Comments


I'm American is the free single of the week on iTunes. It's kind of funny reading the reviews for the song and how much everyone hates it.

Anyway, good review, I Pos'd

BigHans
June 29th 2011


28438 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

thanks guys, this really is bad.

killrobotmusic
June 29th 2011


673 Comments


Great review... this guy is a walking joke.

Tyrael
June 29th 2011


21026 Comments


Ripping on Billy Ray Cyrus is almost too easy... Great review as always Hans!

clercqie
June 29th 2011


6520 Comments


Still love him for Achy Breaky Heart

Drsmith4
June 29th 2011


1733 Comments


Post a Billy Ray Cyrus review, incite enormous waves of canned laughter.

BigHans
June 29th 2011


28438 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

just forget you ever saw it, it's better that way





^ I have a 5 year old daughter. Hannah Montana is inescapable.

kris.
June 29th 2011


14570 Comments


super review hansy but to be fair this is probably in the 4.5 range

MURICA

clercqie
June 29th 2011


6520 Comments


The guy is an acting genius!

Ssssssss
June 29th 2011


683 Comments


lol @ itunes comments

MO
June 29th 2011


21937 Comments


hahaha, awesome review(?) Hans. I hate achy breaky heart.

WatchItExplode
June 29th 2011


4949 Comments


It's like Cyrus is playing out my least favorite country stereotypes to the furthest possible extreme...I'm a little pissed that this even exists.

FREEDOM COSTS A BUCK-O-FIIIIIVE

taxidermist
June 29th 2011


7234 Comments


"Note to Billy: you are not Bruce Springsteen."

Of course he isn't. HE'S AMERICAN!

WashboardSuds
June 29th 2011


5101 Comments


review was really funny and well-written, pos'd

taxidermist
June 29th 2011


7234 Comments


That first paragraph made me lol quite a bit. Pos Mr. Hans.

Apollo
June 29th 2011


10670 Comments


what a crap album title

sounds like a poop album too, good job here Hans

Apollo
June 29th 2011


10670 Comments


also:

http://www.sputnikmusic.com/bands/Billy-Ray-Cyrus/4547/

lmfao



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