Emerson, Lake and Palmer
Love Beach


1.0
awful

Review

by Thomas Bambaataa Ghidrah Towers USER (67 Reviews)
November 7th, 2005 | 98 replies | 14,745 views


Release Date: 1978 | Tracklist


10 of 14 thought this review was well written

How perfect of a first review for Emerson, Lake & Palmer (known as ELP, respectively) is their worst album? Too perfect, I’m glad I got to do it first, as sadistic as I am. Let me give you little history lesson first. In the 1970s, it was be a big, pretentious or loud rock band, or nothing at all. And of course all the progressive bands aimed for 'pretentious', including Yes, King Crimson and Genesis, you know, the regulars. ELP proved to be the prog the power trio (Keith Emerson, Greg Lake & Carl Palmer, duh). They made progressive rock at the magnitude of a quartet or quintet, take that Pink Floyd! Albums like Tarkus and Brain Salad Surgery still stand as prog classics today. But after Brain Salad Surgery, ELP started going downhill, like a greased fat man in a water slide. And in 1978, that greasy obese guy hit the bottom, and hit hard. Emerson, Lake & Palmer's record contract was near expiry in 1978, needing only one more album. But instead of taking their time to make a good effort to make Atlantic Records and their fans happy, they churned out this stinker, and did not flush.

If you're a fan of 70s prog, you’ll know that many of these classic bands swapped members, ELP, I suppose, was the result of three guys that had been in prog bands before and decided to kick ass themselves. Most known would be King Crimson's genre defining In the Court of the Crimson King, Greg Lake was the vocalist. He left shortly after to form this threesome. So you would know that Greg Lake is an amazing vocalist and an exceptional bassist. Emerson and Palmer no different, Emerson awesomely dominating his synths, pianos and organs like a pimp to his respective ho and Palmer checking the 'excellent' box for his prog drummer application form. They created harmonious, epic and perhaps too synth-driven and pompous prog music.

What a boring album, to be blunt, why they even bothered making such uninspired music if such atrocious lyrics aren't going to help either? Take Taste of my Love for example, as if the incredibly cheesy, dated synths weren't bad enough, the lyrics are just atrocious as Lake attempts a Robert Plant impersonation with such lines as "I'm gonna love you like nobody's ever loved you/I'm on my rocket and we'll fly". Come on, is that really necessary? Whatever happened to prog bands talking about dragons ands space? That was much more acceptable. Pretty much all the songs are like that, taking every songwriting cliche; and mixing it with disposable poseur-prog pop music. And this is ELP we're talking about. Greg Lake sounds like a sleazy lounge music singer with such despicably lame music. Canario (from Fantasio para un Gentilhombre) is a blatant Genesis rip-off, emulating their signature synth to make a boring medieval sounding instrumental.

When the music isn't drenched in Keith Emerson's now tiring synth, bassist and guitarist Greg Lake lays down some jangly guitar, genuinely unfitting for the album's awkward mood. This is shown in the gloriously originally titles All I want is You, as Lake plays some uninteresting parts while again singing a crappy pop song. Emerson's synth still looms around the music, creating a tacky backdrop, like Love Beach (are these song titles a joke?). As if what was in front of the backdrop wasn't tacky enough: "We can make love on Loooove Beach". Even the album cover is ghastly, blatantly breaking ELP's chain of interesting cover art, the boys are standing on a beach looking like three out of work 70s porn stars ready for their unemployment office profile shots.

But wait Galapogos! How can an album be that boring and crappy with a 20 minute long song to end it?

You'd be surprised, question asker, you see this 20 minute long song, Memoirs of an Officer and a Gentleman, is really just one of those awful short songs stretched out, for increased displeasure purposes. The first 10 minutes are just Greg Lake monotonously moaning with a piano without any changes. After that, Emerson, Lake & Palmer fall back again on their "Plan B" rip-off Genesis. The last four minutes are an increasingly annoying synth anthem. The music starts to fade, and I give a sigh of relieve that the album I over. Then I listen to it again to complete this review which no one will read...

All in all, Emerson, Lake & Palmer are big bricks in the wall of prog, and Love Beach is the clump of shit stuck to that brick. Unless you really enjoy boring uninspired pop music (attention all Hilary Duff fans...) or have a crush on Greg Lake, stay away from this, and don’t even think about listening to it. Believe me, it IS as bad as you think. I didn't at first, I just thought everyone was being snobby, but oh no, ELP let me down big time with this hunk. For Emerson, Lake & Palmer music that's actually listenable, check out the prog goodies: Tarkus, Trilogy and Brain Salad Surgery.

Love Beach----------> 1 star



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user ratings (100)
Chart.
1.8
poor

Comments:Add a Comment 
Electric City
Staff Reviewer
November 7th 2005



15727 Comments


Yay for writing great reviews for crappy folk crap.

Digging: A Sunny Day In Glasgow - Sea When Absent

pulseczar
November 7th 2005



2385 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

I never said they were folk thanks though

Electric City
Staff Reviewer
November 7th 2005



15727 Comments


Sorry not folk my bad.

Zebra
Moderator
November 7th 2005



2647 Comments


ha, this album really is that bad from what I've heard.

Nice review, keep up the good work.

DesolationRow
November 7th 2005



833 Comments


Ehh, this album is pretty bad. I wanted to do Tarkus, myself. That's better than this. Good review, man.

ReturnToRock
November 8th 2005



3448 Comments


is this the one the incredibly cheesy «godzilla goes beach-combing with his dinosaur friends» video is taken from?

masada
November 8th 2005



2733 Comments


ELP is silly.


robo2448
November 8th 2005



132 Comments


Brain Salad Surgery and Tarkus are great albums. I guess I'm lucky that I haven't heard this if it really is that bad. I'm content listening to good ELP.

Spectrum
January 27th 2006



347 Comments


Excellent review. I love Prog, and ELP are legend, but I will now avoid this album for all I'm worth.

freudianslipknot
November 27th 2006



803 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5

Love beach is a very tired middle of the road album. A far cry from Karn Evil 9. I disagree with your Genesis analogy - it's an insult to Genesis. This is ELP presenting a second rate lacklustre version of themselves. The Gambler was quite fun though. . . Incidentally I read a Carl Palmer interview this year saying that he believes that ELP have an epic that can top Brain Salad Surgery left in them - if Emerson and Lake can be convinced to callaborate . . . This Message Edited On 11.27.06

sonictheplumber2
June 19th 2011



256 Comments

Album Rating: 5.0

yeah this album is retarded as fuck

scorpionatorizer
July 3rd 2011



166 Comments


just got my t-shirt today m/

Taoboxer9
July 8th 2011



167 Comments

Album Rating: 1.0

I can't remember if I puked or cried when I first listened to this. Nonetheless, the review was a terrific entertaining read. After that massive live album, these guys took a dive & never got up.

KILL
July 10th 2011



70298 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5 | Sound Off

it cant be that bad

Digging: Gal Costa - Gal Costa

KILL
July 10th 2011



70298 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5 | Sound Off

scorp 5 it

KILL
July 17th 2011



70298 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5 | Sound Off

2.5 it jams

JamieTwort
Contributing Reviewer
July 17th 2011



19897 Comments


Still haven't heard this.

KILL
July 17th 2011



70298 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5 | Sound Off

its pretty gay but m/

RosaParks
August 14th 2011



14592 Comments


LOVE BEACH m/

KILL
August 14th 2011



70298 Comments

Album Rating: 2.5 | Sound Off

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Love-Beach/205586902832578



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