Review Summary: Reistu þig við, sólin er komin á loft...must be Icelandic for generic.3 of 3 thought this review was well written
The Dummies Guide To Post Rock
Step 1. Start with a single chord, make it a long simmering chord. Make it really poetic. That’s easy to do, every chord seems poetic in a post-rock album. It’s all about the feelings man, the feelings and the rock. But rock needs build up, lot’s of build up. I mean we’re all about the build. Why? We’re intelligent. So start off slow, really slow, one chord, then two chords, and…wait…wait…wait, what in the hell are you doing. You don’t even think about distortion until we are three minutes in. just meander aimlessly for a minute and a half.
2. Now for the build up, get even quieter, it’s always good to have 3 seconds of silence before the crescendo, that saves you from having to invest any creativity in it. Now distort. Yeah, just look up at the audience and yell “We’re Explosions In The Sky bitch” although your not, you’re a Minor Reflection, but damn is this crescendo fine. What do you mean that this is incredibly generic? No one cares if this is generic. This is post rock. Just make it loud.
oh ***, your done with the song already. But it’s only 4 minutes. A post rock song needs to be at least 7 minutes
Other rock musicians have sex and drugs. We don’t have sex and drugs. We’re post rock. We have 7-minute tracks. That’s all we have. 7-minute tracks. Why do you think people listen to post rock? Have you ever had that feeling that you have more 7-minute tracks on your iPod then anyone else, because post rock fans have that feeling all the time. 7-minute tracks are the only thing that matters. That and cool track names. There are two ways to make cool track names. #1. Be dark and ominous. Works like a charm. Dark and ominous titles spark peoples interest. Why? Only intelligent bands deal with dark and ominous. Like Tool, Pig Destroyer, the Dillinger Escape Plan, and Green Day. I mean you'll be huge on Sputnik, that's all they listen to is Metal. Metal with a Sufjan fetish. What are we talking about. Oh yeah... Reason# 2. Make it completely irrelevant. Mogwai is great at this. I mean you’re like, sweet title, then you put the music on and your like, “what the hell this isn’t young team…” and then there's #3, make it Icelandic.
So clearly this track isn’t long enough. I suggest, put an awkward gap in the middle of the track , then repeat steps 1 and 2 in it like the first half of the song never happened. Then do that all over again. Until the end of the album.
Step 3. Middle of the record, and you’ve done the same song repeatedly over and over again. Well it’s simple, do it yet again, add keyboards, or better yet, since your already using keyboards, set it on grand piano mode, use piano. Nothing spells post rock like piano. Also see if you can find a cheesy poem. Make it dark, and depressing, and out there. Or make it innocent... innocent, dark, depressing,out there,and political. And don’t make it a good poem either; only makes it seem like a good poem. I mean slather ambience on it like butter, or margerine, this is post rock, we’re way to sophisticated for butter. You don't speak English? Fine, ditch the poem, add another crescendo.
Make sure to add lots of crescendos. As long as you do that your album can’t possibly be boring.