Review Summary: Why? Why Odin? Why?
I don't make any money off of reviewing things. I merely do this because I enjoy critiquing music, both good and bad. I have heard some very good music in my life (80s Metallica, Slayer, N.W.A., etc.), and I have heard some very bad music in my life (Attack Attack, Waking the Cadaver, Soulja Boy, etc.). I've always thought that there would be no album worse than Waking the Cadaver's Perverse Recollections of a Necromangler. After having reviewed it for both Sputnik and Metal Archives, I truly thought I had hit the bottom of the auditory barrel.
Tragically, I was wrong.
Brokencyde (no doubt a name and group thought up under the influence of some sort of illicit substances), shat its first release, the EP THA $C3N3 MiXTaPe (also most likely thought up under the influence of an illicit substance), in 2007 upon an unsuspecting world of music goers. They later released the music video for their "hit" single Freaxxx on YouTube on October 09, 2008, where, as of this writing, it has amassed 4,843,499 views. Think about that for a second. 4,843,499 times this video has been viewed, most undoubtedly by the same 13 people that think this "band" is good. These 13 fans have managed to propel the group to stardom; they have played headlining bills with Hollywood Undead, and appeared on the main stage of the Vans Warped tour in 2009 (thankfully they got kicked off the bill in 2010). And almost two months ago, this wonderful musical gem entitled "Will Never Die" was put forth for those 13 subhumans that support Brokencyde.
We open this beloved romp through musical paradise with, what else, an Epic Intro. Seriously, the first track is called "Epic Intro". It's just the same midi-synth chord played over and over again for about 50 seconds while some guy talks about how the members of the group will ruin music "just to piss you off". Oh they've pissed me off alright. But probably not in the way they intended. And they certainly have ruined music. Enter track number two, graciously named "Dis Iz a Rager Dude". If you've heard one Brokencyde song, you've heard every Brokencyde song. Some idiot starts "singing" through an incredulous filter of AutoTune over an idiotically simplistic beat that can be recreated in about 45 seconds on FL Studio. I should also note that the horridly out of place screams are also flushed through AutoTune. Why? If I tried to analyze why they are making this ***, we'd be here until 2314.
The lyrics are quite simply ***. Aside from maybe the lyrics used on Perverse Recollections, they are the worst lyrics I've ever heard in music. Every single song on this album, 15 to be exact (I'll explain the missing three later), is about one of or a combination of the following: Getting drunk. ***ing some random bitch. Watching two random bitches *** each other. Getting drunk while ***ing two random bitches. That's literally all this album is about. It's Millionaires written from a male perspective (although after looking at images of members Se7en, Mikl, Phat J, and Antz, their gender is certainly a question to be answered). Here's a small snippet from the song "Da House Party":
I walk up in the house
With my swagga on lock
I got these girlys lookin at me and they just wont stop
I'm pitchin ten
But we got 20,000 bottles of jack
We know the party wont stop until your boy gets back
Get crunk yeah get drunk
Let the drinking begin
I'm at a dope house party with a couple of friends were screaming
You might be wondering where those missing three tracks I mentioned earlier are. Although Will Not Die has a total of 18 tracks, only 15 of them are "songs". Three of the tracks are "comedic" skits, no doubt meant to make the listener have a chuckle or two. I chuckled all right. I chuckled at the thoughts of what I would do to these four primates if I ever came across them. The first skit, "T.M.H.T.S. Lesson 1", consists of someone who sounds like the British lady voice that's the default setting on a GPS navigator teaching the listener how to scream. Apparently the only steps to screaming properly are:
1. Walk up to your microphone
2. Open your mouth (certainly not the only time mouth opening has happened in order to get the funding for this album if you know what I mean)
3. Wait for the proper time
4. Let it all out
(I should note that as all of this is going on, the musical backing underneath it is really basic and horribly played piano notes.)
Now I could expound on all the proper ways to scream without horrifically ***ing up your voice (considering I am an extreme metal vocalist myself), but I'll just let you listen to the person screaming in this skit destroy his voice, hopefully never to taint mankind with his horrid verbal ear rape ever again. The second skit is entitled "Where we @?" Painfully strewn within this track is a sound clip of what seems to be the members of the band arriving at a party while everyone cheers. I pray to Aqua-Buddha that at that party they contract critical cases of alcohol poisoning and vomit up their internal organs. The final skit goes by the name of "Ugly Bitch with a Mustache". In this skit, a drunken moron is pining after a hot female whom he wants to get blown by. He and his posse find out two seconds later that she has a mustache and talks in a voice that's deeper than the average female voice. She walks up to them, offers to get them drinks, farts, and everyone goes "OOOOOOOH!" Because this all is completely ***ing necessary on a MUSIC ALBUM.
The members of Brokencyde themselves are complete ***ing jokes. Mikl is the clean "singer", using the gift of AutoTune to expound on how he wants to bang the nearest "honey". When one thinks of amazing singers, one like me usually thinks of people like Rob Halford, Tim Owens, Bruce Dickinson, Vince Neil, and David Lee Roth. I assure that no one thinks of someone like Mikl (who, might I add, has an entirely unpronounceable name to someone who first reads his name in text? Is it pronounced Mike-Al? Or maybe Mihk-ihl? I like to pronounce it as "***ing stupid". Se7en is the screaming idiot you hear in the "music" of Brokencyde. As mentioned before, I am an extreme metal vocalist myself. The music I listen to and write makes very good use of screaming and growling (bands such as Cannibal Corpse, Deicide, Slayer, and Vital Remains for example). If Don Campan from Waking the Cadaver is the worst at growling, then Se7en is the worst at screaming. Every unrecognizable syllable that protrudes from his throat and out his mouth makes me cringe. Every time Mr. Se7en here conjures up a vomitory display of complete and utter fail, I die inside. And not just a little. I die entirely inside.
Brokencyde are the musical equivalent to biting down on a chalkboard until all your teeth fall out. They are the musical equivalent to slicing your penis off with the same dull knife James Franco cut his arm off with in 127 Hours. Will Never Die is WORSE than Perverse Recollections of a Necromangler. It has cemented Brokencyde's place as the definitive example of "So Bad It Makes You Want to Kill Yourself" in music EVER. I would rather listen to Waking the Cadaver than listen to Brokencyde. Brokencyde and their idiotically named genre of "crunkcore" will hopefully be nothing more than the most idiotic musical fad ever since New Kids on the Block.
Now if you excuse me, I know I left that dull knife around here somewhere.